Monday, October 24, 2011

We Need Her

I was cleaning up files on my computer and stumbled across her videos.
I put them in a file- not on the desktop.
That's where they have called home for most of the past 22 months. But I started to watch them... To much... So I put them in a file.  I say to much only because watching them isn't a good thing for me right now.  It has been one of the worst things I can do.  I don't see the good and the amazing life I had with her. All I see is the signs I wish I would have seen then.  I see her body. Her lack of movement. Her breathing. The way her hands were curling. The loss of strength. The weight dropping. 
I want to scream when I watch these.
Why the hell didn't I see it. Why didn't I help more. How did I let her hurt for so long?
When I start 1 video, I usually don't stop until I have seen them all.
Last night I was laying on the ground.
Ryan came and laid down by me after he heard the first video and knew exactly what I was watching.
We laid there. There was maybe 3 videos I watched the whole way through. 
I had to turn them off.
I stopped breathing.
I almost screamed.
I almost threw the computer across the room.
We cried.
We are so angry.
We couldn't watch them all.
We ended with the very last video we have of her. 
I was holding her and it was minutes before our parents came in the room the day she passed.
To see her awake. Looking at me. To see me kissing her. 
I. Literally. Want. To. Die
I would give anything. ANYTHING. To feel that girl again. To kiss her. To touch her face. To hold her little body. To take that pain away. To give her the life she deserved. To not ask her to work so hard.
I miss my daughter.
and it still feels like there are days where they are harder than any other day.
Ryan and I cried ourselves to sleep. again. for the millionth time. 
We woke up with headaches and knew what our day would be like.
We only talked once and it was to give each other instructions for what needed to be done that day.
I kept the blinds closed at home and completed nothing on my to do list. 
He did what he does best and worked his butt off but kept her in the back of his head.
Then he came home. and the anger unleashed on each other.
What we hold in. To try and not take it out of the rest of the world. Total strangers. We took out on each other. This time it didn't last more than half an argument before we both lost it. 
The hurt was greater than any anger we felt.
We were driving. 
I wish we would have kept going and never stopped.
To run away with Ryan and find our way to heaven would have been my idea of a perfect day.
We came home.
We talked.
We said all the usual inappropriate, rude, mean, harsh things we say when we are this angry. Not to each other but about the rest of the world and how unfair this whole thing is.  You know sometimes you have to do that. We keep it between each other and eventually talk each other down, back to reality.  Its necessary though.  We miss her so much. We want to hold her and kiss her and take away all her pain. 
I hate to see what her life was. 
I pray she could see how incredibly in love we were with her.
I hope we took away some of the hurt. 
I dream of our life. The life I see when I close my eyes. A life like the one we had--- minus SMARD. 
I hate that disease. I hate what it did to my baby. I hate that Ryan and I are infected with it. I hate that we cant protect our children from ourselves. 

Makenzie Rye...
I hope you heard our prayers. I hope you can feel how much we love you. How much we miss you. There are absolutely no words. 
Love seems inadequate. Its more than LOVE. There is no word to explain it. What we feel for you is unreal. Its out of this world. Not many get to feel this magnitude of love for someone and we feel beyond blessed to have it.  
Miss, doesn't even begin to describe this hurt.  The ache. This constant. Heavy. Weight. You are our life. Without you there are more days than not that it just seems we cant keep going. That we cant do this anymore without you. That we cant live this way any longer. That we will give up everything to just be with you.  Makenzie- you are the absolute best thing we ever did. You are the reason we know of Love. What we felt before you was nothing compared to what we feel now.  Not only for you but for each other. You have given us the greatest of any gift. You. The strength you had is one we strive to gain.
To be like you. We are living everyday to achieve that goal.
We love you. We miss you.
Please dream with us.
We need you. 


Mary said...

I am so sorry you and Ryan have to bear such unspeakable pain. No one understands why your perfect, beautiful daughter had to endure so much in her short life. Her eyes seem to look into one's soul as if she understands even though we do not.
I do not have any answers...I only know my heart aches for you. I pray very soon you will no longer have empty arms. McKenzie lives in your heart and I pray soon she will be helping her mommy bring a new baby into her family. Even though I don't know you, I love you and care very much about you and Ryan.

Mary said...

I apologize..I misspelled you sweet daughter's name. I also hope, along with you that your little
Mackenie comes to you and Ryan in your dreams tonight. Just as I was typing this, the song "Somewhere out there" started playing on your playlist. "Somewhere out there...
someone's saying a prayer...that we'll find one another...
in that big somewhere out there."
I will be praying that you find one another in your dreams tonight.
Lots of love.

Anonymous said...

Our little Kenzie knows just exactly how much her parents love her and she knows they always will. Her name is written on your HEART so the love and all those amazing wonderful memories of her will never go away. We all wish that things were different....I wish that for all of us (me included) but her life meant something to everyone who knew her, who drank in those eyes, who kissed her and prayed for her. When of think of her, I think of perfect peace, no pain, forever beautiful. Does she miss you? For sure!! Is she near!! You bet - probably closer than you will ever imagine. I love you and Ryan and pray you can find some peace in this life and have more children very soon. Kenzie needs her parents to do that for her and for themselves. Be strong my sweet friend - as my mother would have said, we all have a hard row to hoe but we can do it. We all have a tremendous love and admiration for you both. Love you always, Aunt Mary

Toni ~ Mom to 8 heavenly Angels and 1 earthly Angel. said...

Sending ((hugs)), I wish there were magic words or a wand to wave to make this nightmare have never happened. I wish, and that is all I can do is wish. I would say "I'm sorry." but to me those are empty words, when no one knows what to say. Do I know what to say? Not really, what do you say to heal a wounded, grieving heart? A heart that will never full heal… I have held 3 of my children in my arms as they have passed in and out of this world, I only had them for a short time, I cannot imagine having them as long as you have and the pain.

Erin said...

I wish I knew you and could give you a hug. You are in my prayers.

Ashley said...

She's absolutely beautiful Kendra. Look at those big eyes and lashes.She loves you, missed you, and understands what you're going through. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through a friend of a friend's and have been following your story. Your story absolutely breaks my heart. Thank you for being brave enough to share it with everyone. I have never commented before, but I just wanted to say that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kendra, I feel your pain through the computer screen in your words. Makenzie knew how much u loved her from the minute she was conceived and you can see her love back for you in her eyes. You did everything right for her. You are an amazing mother to her. You will be again. Did you test again. You know you tested way to early ;) xoxo

Rosalie said...

Oh sweetheart what a day you have had. I wish I could take all that hurt from you. I wish I could take away your pain. Our prayers are with you and Ryan, please don't give up. We wish peace and comfort for you each day! She loves you and misses you too I am sure of it! Much love and hugs!

Amanda said...

Ok, so to say that I am OBSESSED with your blog is an understatement... I love you Kendra and your beautiful words. I wish so badly I could take away at least a little of your pain, but unfortunately I can't :( Sorry love. I am sorry for all that you have been through. Stay strong. Kenz is watching and preparing a baby brother or sister to be with the most amazing mother... YOU!! You can do hard things...and you are. Love ya girl!!

Brittney said...

I am so sorry Kendra and Ryan, I hurt so much when I read your blogs that I cannot even begin to imagine how you both must feel and how much you both must hurt. Your baby girl knows love probably more than any other baby in the world, you do not need to worry about that! This might sound crazy, but I am such a better mother to my 3 children (Sam 4, Ashton 3, and Aja 1) because of Makenzie. Days when I feel low in patience, tired, or grumpy I instantly feel the strength of Makenzie's love, which you and Ryan gave her and continue to give her everyday. I instantly feel a sense of peace and am reminded how much I love my children. I am not that spiritual so I know this sounds weird and crazy but it is such a strong and powerful feeling so I know I am not crazy, I know it is her. She knows how much she is loved and she is sharing that love with others.

A Mother's Love said...

I came across your blog and have been reading about your beautiful daughter. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our son, Grayson, to SIDS years ago. He was healthy and beautiful, we had no idea anything was wrong. After that we adopted from China and then had two more biological kids.
Thanking and praying for you - Kelley

Em said...

Oh Kendra, I wish I could come over, sit with you, give you a big hug and let you cry and talk about your sweet baby girl. Please, although so difficult, don't look back and wonder why you didn't "see it"-you weren't looking and why would you?! You had never heard of this awful disease and had no idea as a new mom, but you did know how to love and that you did!! Focus on all the love you filled your little girl with, she KNEW and FELT your love every second-don't doubt that, ever!! She still feels it and knows how much you miss her, ache for her and want to hold her and I wish you could too-I know you know she is there, but it isn't the same and I am so sorry-but she is holding you, loving you and she will give you the strength to keep going. I hope today is more peaceful and I am glad that although you and Ryan lash out at one another sometimes you knwo it is because of the deep hurt you feel, it isn't about one another. The two of you are hte only ones who know what it is like to lose Kenzie as your daughter, and always let that lead you back to one another. Hold onto one another-you are incredible parents and I know Kenzie is so blessed to know her parents love one another and are helping eachother through this. All my love and hugs, Em

Robin said...

I am beyond sorry you two have to deal with this pain. I am praying for you two. I pray you can feel the love and comfort from God always, but more so in the most hard and painful times. Makenzie knew how much she was loved, I can guarantee you that. We can all see how much you guys love her. I hope and pray tomorrow brings you both a happier day. God bless.

Anonymous said...

Oh this post is all too familiar. We lost our son at 4 months old from complications of RSV in February 2005. In that moment his spirit left his body, our lives were forever changed. We felt emotions we'd never felt before. We didn't know how to talk about it. We were lost. A few years and miscarriages later, we divorced. EVERY SINGLE DAY I regret not finding a professional for us to talk to about our sweet Brady. Please, consider talking to a counselor or therapist. I wish you the best in the future.

Anonymous said...

Your sweet angel is a beauty. I can not imagine what it would be like to live this lifetime without her by your side. But I do know this- i hope if I ever go through anything like this that I am half as strong as you!!!!! Cling to your husband and to your faith. They won't let you down. And start testing again this weekend :) can't wait to hear- I'm gonna see you through the finish line and can't wait to watch your beautiful miracle unfold. Much love.

Mandy said...

Kendra- I don't think that I can say anything that hasn't already been said in any of the previous comments, but I still feel like I should say this. You are an amazing mother and your sweet baby girl had an amazing 4 1/2 months of life because she was able to experience your and Ryan's unconditional love. She knew how much she meant to you both and how lucky she was/is to have you for parents. She was so beautiful and strong and I totally believe she got those amazing qualities from you both. You say that she gives you strength and I bet she felt the same way while she was here. You gave her strength. I read your posts and am constantly reminded to never take my children for granted and to always be the best mother I can be to them. I know that God has a plan for you guys and your next miracle is just waiting for you. Praying for you.

Melanie Parker said...

Kendra, I am so sorry for the hurt you and Ryan experience every day. You have helped me understand more of a parents perspective and what my parents (and all parents) must have gone and continue to go through that they don't discuss, as parents who have lossed a child. As insignificant as it may sound, I am sorry. I know you will see Makenzie again. I pray things will work out for your family and that your desires will come soon.

Lisa F said...

Thank you for sharing with me!

Anonymous said...

Angel came down from heaven yesterday

stayed with me long enough to rescue me

And she told me a story yesterday

about the sweet love between the moon and the deep blue sea

Then she spread her wings high over me

she said she’s goin' now, come back tomorrow

And I said, "Fly on my sweet angel, fly on through the sky Fly on my sweet angel tomorrow I’m gonna be by your side" Fly away, high away, fly away

I thought of you when I saw this Kendra

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry - I lost my brother, not the same, but still devastating and agonizing. I know grief is terrible. My brother died in a terrible accident and it has always been difficult to live with knowing his last moments where so horrific. But re-living those moments does not help him or me - for him it is over and he is well and happy - those moments were not his entire life, just an instant and now he is safe and probably thinks little of it. I try to remember the perspective he must have and make it my own - not that he didn't suffer, but that it is over and he does not want that to be my defining memory of him. We can coach ourselves to fixate on the good or bad - but you are devastated and it takes a lot of strength to keep focus, so just keep trying to survive. God bles you.


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