Friday, March 18, 2011

Happy 20 month Birthday

Its been too long since I have written you again. Please forgive me. Life gets a little crazy and I'm talking to you every other second of the day so these letters seem to slip my mind.  You are always there though.  Can you believe what today is? Its your 20 month birthday! I cant believe how big you are. I cant believe how much I have missed. How have I missed 3/4 of your life so far? There is never a day, never a minute, never a second I'm not thinking of you. I am missing you like crazy. I am wishing I could hold you. I wish I could kiss you. That sting. That really sharp sting of knowing your not here is always there. Everything I see I'm seeing knowing you are not seeing it with me.  I don't understand. I try. I try and pray and ask and figure out why. But I don't get it. I don't get alot of things. Grandma H is not doing well. I know she is ready to see her husband, her baby boy, her family and you. But its still hard. I don't understand why we have such a hard time with saying goodbye when it means you are going to be in such an amazing place. I think maybe for me its that deep down I'm still worried. I still worry about all the "what if's"... What if there isn't anything after this, what if you got lost along the way, what if there isn't a God.  I never doubted if there was a God until I lost you. I have said it before--- I guess its because I'm just wanting it so badly that I worry its not real. I am aching for it so much that my mind gets the best of me at times and those clouds of doubt come in. I have to push them away. I have to make myself see you. I have to remember your face and know there is no way there isn't a God if you were real. You were sent straight from him. I'm praying extra for Grandma. I'm praying like I prayed for you. To keep her comfortable, free of pain and be able to be close to God at all times.  There are so many things I want to tell her. A check list of things I need her to do when she see's you. I would be lieing if I said I'm not jealous. Kinda silly? But I want you. I want to run to you. See you and hold you and know I will never have to let go. I want to wrap my arms around your tiny little body and just feel you. I want to kiss your toes, tickle your back, blow on your belly and hold your fingers.  You have some amazing people taking care of you. I give them orders every night of what they need to do with you tomorrow. If I know my sister- she will listen to me. AND she is probably doing a million more things with you.  Tomorrow is her angel day. Its been 14 years. How has it been that long? I hate that I cant remember her details. I hate that I cant smell her. I hate that I cant close my eyes and feel her skin any more. That scares me to death- to think I might loose that with you. I hate memory. It makes me angry. I just want to bottle everything about you so I can keep it all with me all the time. Do you remember what I smell like? Will you be able to know its me when I can finally see you again?

Give Donette extra kisses tomorrow. Make sure you tell her how much we all love and miss her. Make sure she knows how amazing she is and that she made a huge difference in our life. Tell her we all think about her.
She will tell you great stories. I can remember a few. She probably hated all of these things but whenever I was around it was all about ren and stimpy, spaghetti o's, converse shoes, sleeping in, coffee and random crazy pictures.  Okay so she loved some of those things- but even if she didn't, I know she would have pretended for me. She loved her family. She adored her brothers. All of them. I miss her like crazy. I think about who she would be today. What she would be doing. Make sure she is happy Kenzie. You can make anyone happy... and Donette- take care of my baby. You know how to love and make sure you give her lots and lots of loving. Spoil her rotten. You never knew your nieces and nephews but now you get one all the time. Give my baby kisses from me. Make sure she knows who I am. Make sure she knows how much I love her.

Makenzie- please be with Grandma to. Make sure she stays comfortable and make sure she doesn't hurt. Help her. Help her when she goes home.

I love you to pieces. To the moon and back. More than all the stars in the sky. You are my everything
Ms Makenzie Rye.  You cant even comprehend how much your daddy loves and misses you to. He talks about how he just wishes he could hold you. We will someday.
Sending a million kisses.
Happy 20 month birthday love.

Love Momi


Emma said...

Happy 20 Months Kenzie!!
I know these days are tough Kendra and I won't even pretend to actually understand but please know you and Ryan are always in my thoughts and prayers, as is Kenzie and now so will be your Grandma. We know that them leaving this Earth is good for them, that the pain is gone, they will be in Heaven but the pain we feel is knowing we won't have them by our side, and no, it isn't selfish, it is normal! I can't believe it has been 14 years since you lost your sister but I can just imagine the joy your little Kenzie is bringing her and the love she is giving her until your return!
As for Kenzie remembering you, knowing it is you when you are by her side...oh my goodness, Kendra try to push those doubts OUT-Kenzie does, will and will always know you are her Mommy-you are the best Mom for her and she feels your love every single second-that is something I have NO doubt about!! Your love for eachother is not bound by this Earth, it is infinite and I know when you hold her in your arms again you will have no doubt and although the time seems so long now when you are with her again it will be forever!! Sending you tons of love and hugs, Em

crystal said...

I wrote this really long post and it didn't let me post it for some reason. I just wanted to tell you that Makenzie is there with you all the time. She is your Guardian Angel not only that, she is in your heart. She loves you and will never forget about you. If you get the chance I hope that you will go out and get the book "Heaven Is For Real" Its about a little boy who died and spent 90 minutes in Heaven and then came back. I do not like to read but I couldn't put this book down. It will help answer a lot of what ifs. I am praying for you and James. I know that I can't wait to see my Angel and I believe that they will be waiting for us at the gate. Below is a poem I found. Hope you like it.
Love in Christ,

A letter from Heaven

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

"It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.

I need you here so badly, you are part of my plan.
There is so much that we can do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you.... in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night...."My day was not in vain.

And now I am contented... that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile."

So if you meet somebody who is sad and low;
Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going.... you're coming here with me.

Author Unknown

brigette said...

Happy 20 months sweet kenzie!! What a sweet true amazing post kendra. Always praying for you and ryan and picturing our sweet babies in heaven. Ill be praying for your grandma as well. Much love always! Your so amazing and strong!


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