Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Almost Home

This waiting. This in the middle of here and heaven point. We are seeing that right now. Grandma is there.
You expect to lose your Grandparents in your lifetime. They live a long and happy life. They do all the things or most of the things they dream of and they leave with an amazing legacy.
But so many times there is this point where they are still here but not really here. They are not themselves and its pretty much a waiting game until they return to heaven.
Its so hard to watch. Its hard to sit there knowing they hurt. Knowing the amazing things that are about to come but just are not coming fast enough.
No matter the age I think when it gets to that point you are so focused on that person that you don't even think of your real feelings. You so badly don't want them to hurt so your praying for God to take them home.
I almost feel guilty saying that. Its not that I don't want them here. But even more than that I want them okay. I want them to be there.

I remember that feeling for a few days before Makenzie passed. I remember thinking on one hand the time was just moving far to quickly. I knew when it would end and I wouldn't have her anymore. But then I would look in her eyes and see how much she was hurting. I would see her gag every time her breathing tube would move even a little. I would see how much she hated those treatments. I saw how hard it was for her to just move. That makes me more sick than the thought of not having her anymore. To know she is living like that. I would give anything to have that end. Even if it meant giving her up.
Those words hurt so incredibly bad. To give her to God. To know I will no longer get to hold her or look in her eyes or kiss her lips or see her grow. To know I was giving the most important thing in my life to someone I have to trust is real.

I love my Grandma to pieces. She is the sweetest/ funniest lady around. She is an excellent example of perfection. How she carries herself. How she smiles. How big her heart is. How much she loves.
I cant imagine her not being here. I cant imagine thinking I wont see her for a long time. But right now. I'm so praying for that. I want her to be back with her husband. Back with her son. Back with her Grand babies. She needs to be free.
She is so close. She is almost there. She will soon be with them all again. She will get to hold my Makenzie.
She is the closest thing to my baby right now. I pray she gives her so many loves from me.
I pray she doesn't have to wait much longer.

Death is so not scary. Its the most amazing thought to me. I don't want to lose someone that I love, but taking myself out of the equation and thinking about that person. What an amazing world they are now getting to be in. How lucky are they. How beautiful it must be. To be with Jesus.

I wish I could understand. Why everything happens. Why people go the way they do. Why they go when they do. Nothing really makes sense. Its rather frustrating. But I have to stop thinking about the problem. I need to focus on the outcome. Its the outcome that really matters. Its the end that is all that we should think about. The problem will never be clear. It will never be understood. But God has that all worked out. He knows why.

When Grandma goes. It doesn't mean its not sad. It doesn't mean all that are left here wont hurt. We now have to say goodbye to someone we love dearly. We are the ones who now have to keep going. In this life. Waiting for our turn. Its so hard. Its a hard balance. Thinking of them and feeling your own feelings. Its not easy. Its almost impossible at times. I am catching myself now and again from feeling jealous. Jealous that she is soon going to be with Makenzie. Jealous that she gets to love on her as much as she wants. That aches. Deeper than most any other ache. Its not suppose to be all good thoughts. All acceptance and being "okay" with the events in life. What would we achieve in that? You have to be a gargoyle not to hurt. Not to think of yourself. Not to wish and miss and dream of a different way.  I guess its more trying to keep that side of the outcome as minimal as possible. Trying to get out of that state of mind when you find yourself there. Trying to remember the big picture. Trying to see them and that new life. 

SO much easier said than done. Believe me. I couldn't get myself out of my one sided thinking for close to a year and I still fall back into that quite a bit. I am better at getting myself out of it faster but I still go there. I'm human. I have real feelings and it would be crazy to think different.

At the end of the day I just pray. Pray for all of these things all these things I tell myself, all those things I imagine all day, are real. That they are really really real. I believe it. Deep deep down.
My daughter is waiting for me. She is just as excited to see me and her Daddy as we are to see her.

Its going to be extremely hard to say our final goodbye to Grandma.
After all she is the beginning to all of our stories.


Olga said...

Those pictures are so sweet and a great thought about what will be able to happen soon :) Prayers for you and your family during this transition, and hopes that it will be an easy one for your grandma.

Benjamin and Jennie said...

I know that feeling. my grandma is there, but here. Passing their stories on keeps them living in our hearts forever!!:)

crystal said...

That was so touching. My granny passed away in July and she was a wonderful Christian lady and left behind a great legacy for us to follow as well. She left behind 9 grandchildren, 20 great-grandchildren, 2 Angel great-grandchildren, and 4 great-great-grandchildren and 2 Angel great-great- grandchildren. I wanted her to stay around until I had Maddox but it didn't happen that way. I was being selfish. She was ready to go home and she had hurt for so long, but it was hard letting go. When she passed away, she had the prettiest smile on her face and it was just so peaceful. I know she was smiling because she had seen Jesus, her husband, her son, and her grandchildren and she had waited so long for that day. THe thing that we (my family) have to do now is make sure we live our life right and keep/accept Jesus so that we will get to see her again. I am so ready for that day and I don't believe that we have much longer because God will be calling his children home soon. All we have to do is read the Bible and then we can see that we are living in the last days. How wonderful it will be there, we will finally have our family back together as a whole and no more pain or sickness will we have to suffer. Praying for you and your family. Also praying for your grandmother that God's will will be done in her life. I hate you are having to go through this again.

Diane said...

Hey Sunshine, your words are so wonderful, I lost both my parents over 20 years ago and I prayed so hard cause they were in so much pain and when they were gone, to this day, I miss them and wish they were here, but what got me thru it all was knowing they were free, at peace, pain free. It is the hardest thing for "me" cause I am "left behind". But God knows when it's our time and we will be with our loved ones then. You are and continue to be the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure to know. You, Sunshine, are a true blessing to all who know you.

Shawna said...

What great pictures Kendra and a wonderful, sweet post. I am sorry that you are going through the anticipation of a loss again and soon will be going through dealing with a loss -- but you are right, where your Grandma is going is so much better and it is those left behind, not those that are moving on who hurt. Keep praying and holding your Grandma in your thoughts. God is holding on to her too -- and that is a truly amazing and wonderful thing.


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