Thursday, October 23, 2008

my thoughts are jumbled and I don't make sense

***A quick update before I begin- I made it out of this last weekend alive. Yes I almost froze to death at night but it was actually a blast! Flaming Gorge is BEAUTIFUL. I told Ry we are taking the boat up there first thing next summer! My camera is MIA at the moment so I will post pics once I find it (hopefully soon)

ON a different note... If you remember (or look in my past blogs) my Grandma Murtle who recently turned 100 is again not doing well. This time its much worse than a few months ago when we were told she only has a few days. She cant get out of bed now and really doesn't even wake up along with that her muscles are tightening. I was finally able to get out of school earlier than 9 PM last night so I took full advantage and went over to see her. I sat for a little while next to her holding her hand and playing with her hair. My mind wondered on a million different thoughts as I looked at all the pictures in her room. It has been 11 years since my sister passed. I then see my Grandma who has lived a very active life and is now 100 and my sister who died at the age of 20. What happened in these 2 peoples lives that made one live 80 years longer than the other?
After my sister died I hated the fact the sound of her voice kept slipping away. I tried to hold onto it but it eventually went away completely- I have a few very clear memories of her and each time I think of them I feel like its happening right now. She was such an outgoing person. She had a lot of love for everyone around her and she was so talented. It was after she died and I got a little older that I realized how much she was hiding from us. That she was not always happy and sometimes in a lot of pain. I feel like that so many times in my life.
My dad was consistently my whole life taking from therapist to therapist having me take pills here and there. I never really felt "normal" What is normal?
Sitting with my Grandma my thoughts are obviously all over the place. They go from one thought to another- While sitting there I realized it was October- the end of October. The month I have been fearing for years is in 3 short months- January. That is the moment my life could dramatically change, not just mine but my whole families. My fear is now so intense even though I have a husband who will not let anything happen to me along with every one of my siblings and most importantly, I am an adult and stronger than I have ever been. He cant hurt me now.

--- as much as I say that I cant get myself to believe that.
There is a picture of him in my Grandmas bedroom. It was taken years and years ago. What changed from that time in the picture to what he has become? Can so much pain in someones life make them go crazy? I wonder if I lost my spouse and one of my children if I could actually stay sane. I know I wouldn't do what he did but maybe he just lost his mind. I still will never see justification in his actions but I guess this is me trying to understand. I pick everything apart far to much I guess. So its only 3 months- what ever will happen will happen. I need to stop stressing. Focus on now! I love my Grandma. She is still so beautiful. I tried to call my incredible sister Kristianne who lives with Grandma this morning. No word yet how she is doing today. Have I said before I have amazing siblings? How did I get to be so lucky as to have each one of them?


ML said...

Cute pictures. You look gorgeous! I like the blog backgrounds you have done. Where are you getting all of them?

Gaspegirl said...

What a great post and tribute to your sister.


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