Friday, August 12, 2011

Angel Wreath

A few months ago I saw on another angel moms blog a wreath she made for her little girl.  There are no rules or directions. You just make something that is so them. I sent the idea to a couple other moms and begged one of them to do this with me.  I never forgot about doing it but with our crazy life I never had time to do it.  When we went to Pocatello last month my sweet Misty presented me with a half way done wreath for Makenzie. It was perfect. Better than anything I would ever come up with. 
I was told to take it home and finish it. Make it all about Makenzie.
I took it home and for the next month it hung on our door half way done. It still looked amazing so I wasn't in a huge hurry to finish it.  Well another angel mum wanted to make one for her little boy so we planned a day to get these things done.
A trip to the craft store
Glue guns
Yards of fabric
They turned out perfect
I feel Makenzie's was a bit busy but I couldn't stop putting stuff on it.
Everything needed to be put on there.
Anyway I can have her things out, in the middle of our everyday- I take full advantage.

The before...

The after...

Bows... Bows... Bows
I couldn't pick just 1 or 2. These are the ones she wore the most. I can still see her in them.
The last time she wore
The orange flower:  With her polka dot fall dress.
The red flower: The weekend before she went to the hospital. She wore it for our UofU night
The white bow: She wore this one a few times in the hospital.
The camo bow: A couple days before she passed away. It took me forever to find this bow when I was pregnant. I had to find something for Ryan.  She was almost 4 months before I found this. She only wore it in the hospital.
The white and pink bow: She wore this when we went to visit Grandma H and Aunt Robin in October.
The blue flower: She wore this all the time. It matched most all her outfits and looked so cute on her.
The white flower: She wore this the most. It went with EVERYTHING. It was my favorite.

I loved these. She got the white for one of my baby showers and I bought the pink one for her. 
She wasn't crazy about them. and to be honest I wasn't either.
They looked so cute on her but she flung her arms around so much they would whack her in the face and scratch her when she would get to crazy.  She wore them for special occasions.
The sweet lady who came to take pictures of Kenzie from NILMDTS the day before she passed away gave her and I matching bracelets.  Makenzie still has hers. I love mine. 

I had a hard time finding socks that would stay on her feet. She had these long skinny feet that was impossible to shop for.  These were the last pair of socks she wore. She had a matching shirt and cream colored leggings that she wore on November 17th.  My mom dressed her that morning.  She was watching her while I went to work. Ill never forget staring at these socks as I wondered around the hospital trying to get upstairs form the ER.

Need I say more.
I loved those chicken legs in these leggings.
I picked my favorite pairs.
She wore all of her leggings all the time. These were the most popular.
They would dress up any outfit.

The binks...
Always a must. Always a few spares. Always looking for new fun designs.
She loved the binks.

The finished project.
You are suppose to hang it on their birthday and angel days. Not sure if ill ever take this one down.
Pretty obsessed with every single thing of hers.

As I was going through her stuff to pick out what to put on here.
The anxiety kicked into high gear. So much of her stuff is boxed up and at my moms since we are trying to move- we decluttered everything.  I about lost my mind wanting everything of hers back and where it belongs.  It wouldn't make sense nor do we have the money to buy all new stuff for another child.  While this anxiety was taking control and I sat there feeling my heart beat increase, my mind become more and more dishevelled and my body begin to shiver.  I imagined them. They don't have a face, or even a body yet in my mind. I pretty much just imagine their spirit. I imagine this new life. Then a whole new sense of anxiety makes its way into my mind...
 That there will be another life in our home.  
I know I cant live in fear but the fear of what "could" happen makes me about lose my mind. I don't even know who or when we will have another child, but I feel this incredible love for them already. 
How is that possible? I don't know. and. I cant explain it. 
I have never felt this. Not even when I was pregnant with Makenzie. Never have I loved something or someone without knowing them.  I so want to love again. Love this much. I just pray, this next child will know how incredibly wanted they are. How I ache to know them. How no matter who or what or how they come into our life- they are already growing in our hearts. 
and this new anxiety- this fear- is the fear of what we have already lost. 
Losing again. Losing someone we already love and don't know. 
I fear living this life again- but with another life I am missing.

I guess I cant prepare for the worst because there is no preparing. I have to stop and trust.
Trust that God and Makenzie will pave the way for this next step.
For this new life.

I could never have imagined loving someone as much as I love Makenzie. I could never have imagined missing and longing for someone like I do every single moment with Makenzie. Never would I have thought this would have been our path in this world. 
I just cant wait to say...
I could never have imagined my heart would grow this much... again...

PS... Thank you for all your encouraging words and support with our decision to move forward with Adoption!  You have no idea how much your words inspire Ryan and I. We go back and read them over and over.


AJ and Cindy said...

I love the wreath! It is perfect! I am so happy for you guys and excited to see what the future holds for you two. Whoever comes into your family will surely be the most loved little baby ever!

Emma said...

I love the wreath, it is beautiful and SO Kenzie!
As for loving again and not knowing how you can love someone you don't know etc, this is another gift your sweet Kenzie gave you. She taught you to love like a Mother, and there is nothing like a Mother's love. I know with my first I loved her during pregnancy, but with the second it was different, more intense during that time because my oldest gave me the gift of loving like a Mom-and nothing will ever take that away. It is amazing how our hearts and love just grow with each child, and we learn how to love our older children in new and wonderous ways, loving the roles each child plays in our is amazing. Kenzie gave you and Ryan the gift of parenthood, the gift of love like you have never known and I know she is so excited for you to share it with another little one again one day!!
Love and hugs, Em

Anonymous said...


debbie said...

Your wreath is so cute and so you and Kenzie! I am so happy for your decision to do adoption. I am always afraid to say the wrong thing, so I didn't comment earlier, but I am so excited for you guys. How awesome that you already feel love for your future little one. Love you and always pray for you!

Robin said...

Mackenzie's wreath is beautiful! You did a wonderful job! I am so happy you two have decided to give a child your love, and share your life with them. Any child will be so lucky to have you two as parents! There is nothing more loving than adoption. I wish nothing but the best for you guys, and I know God has a plan for you!

Alerie said...

Your wreath is beautiful and such a sweet tribute to have of your little Makenzie. I am so happy for you guys that you have decided to have another child in the way that was best for you. As I read the post below I couldn't help but cry many happy tears for you. This child is going to be so blessed to have you and Ryan as parents. Already so loved. I know Makenzie is watching over this whole process and will help send you the perfect child. How special!! This child will have the best big sister, a guardian angel forever!! You all (You, Ryan, Makenzie and your future child) will all be in my prayers. Much love!!

brigette said...

Thanks for making them with me!!! I love kaels and kenzies turned out so cute!!! Thanks for being a great friend!! You are amazing! Im so excited for you and ryan!! You are great parents!! Love u jendra!!

Ashley said...

I had thought about making one too... You gave me inspiration! I think it turned out so very cute, it fits her perfectly. I want to share a quote that's helped me with fear/worry-

" Worry is the anticipation that the outcome will be bad
Faith is the anticipation that the outcome will be good
Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the anticipation that whatever the outcome, it will be for your good"

It's hard, but I think about this every day. Love ya!

Anonymous said...

The wreath is wonderful and congratulations on adding to your family.

Kellie Staats said...

I love this. I want to make one for Maddie.

The Romig Chronicles said...

I stumbled upon your blog attempting to learn more about SMARD. A dear friend of mine just lost her baby boy to it. I just wanted to thank you for speaking about it so openly, and having so many amazing suggestions for how to be there for someone who has suffered such a loss.

Thank you for having the courage to write about such personal things, it has been so helpful to me. I wish you the best. :)

Kristina said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog and find myself coming back because I too have two angels in Heaven. I never had the chance to meet them. I praise the Lord for my 3 sweet kids today. God is good. :)

What a beautiful way to remember your sweet little girl! Praying God will give you grace and strength as you embark on this new journey of Adoption. :) A mommy's heart will always yearn for her baby, but somehow God enlarges our heart to love again a sweet little life.

Anonymous said...

Good luck on your adoption journey. I hope all goes well for you. We have been waiting seven years to adopt. It can be a long and frustrating process. I read on Brynlee Liston's site that they had used a sperm donor for their second child. I was wondering if that is an option you have considered. It might be much faster and cheaper than adoption. If I had viable eggs we'd definitely go that route!!! We are now considering Foster care. The kids don't always get to stay but it will get kids in our house much quicker than the adoption route for us and that is what we really want. Good luck with whatever you do!!

Michelle said...

That wreath is beautiful, and so is Makenzie. I'll be praying for you as you start your adoption journey!

The Pachuilo Family said...

I just LOVE the idea of the wreath. It turned out great. You can also add things to your wreath once you have moved. Good luck with selling your house, we just sold ours and it takes time.
Also good luck with your adoption. Such a great blessing, and that little baby will be so lucky to have you and Ryan as parents. Our prayers are with you and your family.


Ginger said...

I came across your blog from another angel Mommy blog I follow. I stayed up last night crying and reading your story and about those last days before Kenzie got her angel wings. She is beautiful! I will be praying for you and your family that God gives you strength and guides you as you give Makenzie a baby brother or sister.


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