Monday, July 18, 2011

She is 2

Couldn't sleep last night. I was remembering every minute 2 years ago.  Funny how at the most unexpected times you remember things you haven't before now.  I remember the clock. Remembering time seemed to be going by faster than I thought. Thinking how I wanted to soak in every second because I never wanted to forget this. Being scared. Not knowing what would be happening and what this would really feel like. Never doubting I could do this. Knowing it was going to happen. Thinking over and over what she would look like. Wondering what I would do if she turned out to be a he. Worried for Ryan. Thinking of this new life we would live.  I never would have imagined the amount of love that would come over me the minute she came. It was surreal.  Like nothing I could ever experience. Our first. The unknown. Our future. Taking her first breaths. Her eyes. Her fingers. Her tummy and that hair.

I wish I could relive those minutes again. I wish I could rewind. What our life was 2 years ago. The happiness we experienced. The purest kind of love. Our family.

I still cant believe she is mine. She is Ryan's. She is our daughter. That God trusted us enough with her. With that life. With everything he knew would happen. He gave her to us. That she would choose us. That she would know that we would love her more than anyone could love her. That no matter what she would be the reason we did anything. That we would think about her and only her for all of her life. She knew. God knew. But we didn't know that all those choices and trials and hardships would happen years before we ever imagined. Never would we have thought her life would be so short. Never would we have thought that purest of love would soon end. That the love we would develop would be so different. With a life in your hands. A future of her being there or here. She knew. God knew.

I so wish life would have been different. That we would have had a silly sassy 2 year old running around this house. Causing utter chaos. Making me pull out my hair. But giving me that purest of love every single second of her life. Life is so full of the what-ifs. The wishing and hoping. The praying for something different. You want something so much. Nothing will change what is done. God is not a genie and will not grant you wishes. You have to make those wishes come true. My wishes may be out of reach for right now. But I have to know I will have those wishes come true. I will be able to hold her again. As much as I ache for that day to come right now. I have to know it wont.

When she gave us her life 2 years ago today. She knew what her life would be. She knew what would come of her Mom and Dad. She knew we would have her life in our hands and we would have to make a choice. No matter our decision she knew we would make the right decision for her. She knew we would listen to her. As much as I wish she would have been able to hold on a little longer. We know she couldn't and she knew we wouldn't ask her to.

She chose to give us her life. For some reason some where down the road we must have done something good because there is no way we deserved her life. This amazing little girl who completely changed everything we knew or thought we knew about life.  I am honored that she chose us. I am honored that she gave us every single breath. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it 2 years ago. I couldn't imagine being able to function without her. Yet she knew we could do it. She knew we wouldn't let her going back home stop us from living our life for her. As much as I feel most of my days the past 19 months have been spent wishing for what I cant have. I am still here. I am still breathing and that is more than I thought I could ever do.  She has given me something no one else could.

Happy Happy Birthday Missy.
Have the very best birthday in Heaven while we celebrate your birthday here.
Our life is just beginning here and because of you, we are living.
Because of this day 2 years ago. You have given us more than we could ever give you.
Thank You for being ours.
Daddy and I are so proud of you. For everything you have done. For everything you continue to do.
We will forever celebrate the life you gave us.
Until our wishes come true....
Dream with me baby.
I love you to the moon.

Love Mom and Daddy.


the Sorensen's said...

Happy Birthday Makenzie! You are so deeply missed by everyone - you are such a lucky girl to have Kendra as your mommy. Your parents love you so much!
My lil girl is up in heaven with you - you two can look after each other. :)
May all your wishes come true!
Look after your mom and dad from up in heaven!

The Mac's House said...

Happy Birthday little lady!

I will look up at the stars tonight, knowing that you're safe with Jesus. He will tell you what a special little girl you are for the short period of time you were here on earth you made a huge difference in the lives of those who loved you and later to the ones who never met you.

Happy Birthday kisses to you.


Hugs to Mommy & Daddy today!

brigette said...

Written so beautiful as always Kendra!! Happy birthday sweet McKenzie!! Im sorry we cant make your bday party we dont want to get everyone else sick but well be thinking of you!! We will send you a ballon from our house and think of your sweet smile. Happy birthday sweet girl!! Big loves to your mama and dada today!!

Emma said...

Kendra, this is such a beautiful birthday letter to such an amazing little girl! You were chosen, by God and by Kenzie for this journey and you are making her just as proud of you as you are of her! The love you and Ryan shower on your sweet girl is felt, even through words, and she certainly feels it every second of every day. Yes, we wish she was in your arms, but I know she feels the love you have and knows that you and Ryan are her perfect parents forever and always. You spoke for her when she had no voice, you made all your decisions with her in mind, and you are continuing to do just that.
I know the days without her in your arms are so, so tough, but I hope today you especially feel her wrap you up in her love, her comfort and peace.
Happy 2nd Birthday Kenzie! I hope you are bouncing in a huge ball pit filled with all those amazing balloons you get sent, eating lots of cake and dancing the day away!
Love and hugs, Em

Alesha said...

I just bawled and bawled reading this. It hasn't even been one week since our little guy passed and I cant imagine living 19 months. My hearth hurts so bad. I cant stop thinking how bad I hate that this is my life. And why me? I would love to get your email so I can ask you a million questions. :)

Alerie said...

Happy Birthday sweet baby girl!! You are loved by so many and you have changed so many people's lives (even people you never met). Not many people can say that. You are amazing!! I know your birthday in heaven is going to be amazing. I'm sure you can get and eat anything you want!! How fun!!

Kendra and Ryan - my thoughts and prayers are with you today. This was so beautifully written. Yes, God and Makenzie knew that you were her perfect parents for her on this earth and continue to be the most amazing parents to her. Your love for her is so special and I love being able to see such pure, love with your whole being kind of love. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you feel her love and comfort surrounding you today. I know she is always with you. Much love!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday baby girl.. That today and everyday you are looking over your mommy and daddy. Hold them extra tight tonight. :-)

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday sweet Makenzie rye. Kendra you are an amazing woman and mother. I've read most of your blog over the past few weeks (probably gonna get fired for spending so much time reading at work!) But anyhoo, you are incredible and inspire me everyday to be a better mother and human being. Your little angel continues to touch lives here on earth and I think of her and picture those eyes every day. Much love

Kami Satterlee said...

Happy Birthday Super Princess! May the stars shine extra bright tonight for you:) We sure love your mommy & daddy & can only imagine what parts of them you inherited, & are showing off in heaven. Do a birthday dance today & I hope you twirl & twirl!:)

Shawna said...

Thinking of you today Kendra. Hope the birthday party is amazing. Happy Birthday Makenzie! Prayers always.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday baby girl. You brought sunshine and happiness to your parents all of us. We love you. We miss you. Love Aunt Mary

Our Family said...

Happy birthday to your sweet little love! I'm sure she had a beautiful day. I have never commented on your blog but have read for about a year. I am so very sorry for your loss. I actually have something that I would like to mail to you if that's ok. Is there a mailing address that you use for public use? Or you could email me an address. It's just a little something from one mommy to another. My email is

Victoria Strong said...

Happy, happy 2nd birthday beautiful Makenzie. You are loved by so many and although you have spent more time in heaven than on earth, you changed people -- for the better. Sending butterfly kisses from Gwendolyn.

Brittany said...

Kendra, you don't know me, but I stumbled across you blog and just wanted to let you know how strong and wonderful I think you are. Please know that you are a stalwart example of exactly what a mother is and should be. You are a beautiful example to me. Happy Birthday to your sweet Makenzie! May you feel her close and feel God's arms wrapped securley around you.

bibc said...

your writing is so beautiful and we can all see just how amazing your daughter is through your posts. i don't comment a lot (bc i read your blog on my phone mostly) but i wanted you to know that i read every post and i think its amazing how you keep the spirit of your daughter alive in your everyday life. thinking of you and ryan at this bittersweet time of your daughter's second birthday.


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