Thursday, July 14, 2011

3 days until she is 2

Just wish I could make sense of this.
Stayed up till early morning the other day trying to figure out the movie maker on this computer. Made a long one of her life before she went into the hospital. Picked songs we listened to together or songs that have since become our songs for her. I watch it over and over. I want to pause and take her. Take her right out of the screen. To feel her face. Her skin. The heat from her breath. How is this real. This happens to other people. I am not someone who would lose their child. Not Makenzie. Not so young. Not forever. Its July. Days from now would be the very best day of my life just 2 years ago. How did it end.
I had to get my blood drawn the other day and the lady was taking quite sometime. She started talking about kids and asked me about how many, the sex, name... etc...
Her name is Makenzie and she will be 2 on Monday.  She asked what she likes and if she understands her birthday is coming. I tried to answer how I imagined I should be answering.  It was like it was all real. Like that life was some how my life. I cant look at the family pictures we took the day before Makenzie went into the hospital. I cant see those people. That life. That never imagined what life would be just 24 for hours later. Those people who had the life. The life I now dream of. Those people who never had this kind of stuff happen to them.
Today I'm hiding in my house. In bed. Hating the sun. Smells. Food. Outside. Being asleep. Being awake. Scared. I have lived a year and a half. 19 months. With my life being everything I never imagined it being. Her birthday is in 3 days. I will have a 2 year old girl who lives with Jesus in just 3 days. I cant believe how much I miss her. I cant believe how much I miss that life. I cant believe how much I am so not wanting this life now.

I have to breathe. I know what I know. Tomorrow will be another day closer to Makenzie.


Ashley said...

Too bad we don't live closer to each other, it sounds like we've been having the same kind of days. We could hide out together. It's crazy how our death dates and daughter's Birthdays are only days apart in July and December.

I too finally watched Preslee's slide show yesterday. I sat their and sobbed and felt what you did. I too wanted to reach out and touch her, feel her, love her.

I'm sorry Kendra, I still struggle with being asked about my kids. It's just hard, because you want to answer so bad like they are alive, and don't want to go into details. I wonder if their Birthday's get easier. I hope so. Hang in there, you're in my prayers.

Tiffany said...

Hey girl!! I know. Birthdays and anniversaries are tough. This year Jack's birthday was harder than his "heavenly" birthday. I wished could have hidden away. It was a GLOOMY day...but when we got to the cemetary...the sun came out and somehow melted away some of the hurt. I felt Jack and know that he was celebrating in his own way the best he could. Kenzie will be there too in all her glory and brillance...if only she could actually be seen. HONESTLY...we should get at least ONE day a year for a little visit don't ya think??!!

Sometimes, I pretend that Jack is still here. Sometimes when I talk to complete strangers and they ask about my kids, I just say 3 boys. They ask the ages and I tell him. They ask their names and I tell them with pride...but sometimes they ask where my "middle" one is and I tell them..."Oh, he's with his father..." Because that's not a lie...really...right? Then I get to pretend a little longer. But one day we won't have to pretend. One day they'll be able to see the sweet little angel we have loved for so long! :)

Hang in there girl!


Shawna said...

Prayers for you -- today and always.

debbie said...

Kendra, I have been thinking about you and Kenzie a lot lately. Always praying for you!

B.J. said...

I have not been following your blog for very long, but I find myself thinking about you often. I am praying for you and your husband!


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