Thursday, July 29, 2010

unlike any- old- regular- kind of love

needed our mommy daughter time.

hate that its here.
i laid there.
my head on her head stone.
i talked to her.
had her listen to some new songs that i found.
i love them.
they speak to me and they have perfect meaning.
funny how music can do that.
put things into better words and feelings than you could ever express.
it was the first time in days that i felt okay.
all i want is to be okay.
i am not asking to be where i once was- that will never happen.
i just want to feel i can still live.
i want to continue breathing.
its so hard.
i have asked myself lately-
how is it possible that after 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days I'm this much effected by someone.
i have always been so stand off-ish. i don't let everyone in. not until i know they are staying.
with her. it was so different. during my pregnancy i wasn't one of those mommy's that was over the moon about this little person inside them. don't get me wrong, i was so excited and happy but i was always so worried because i never really felt a "connection" with her. i didn't know her face or her hands. i didn't know what she would look like or smell like. she was this little alien rolling around in me and i was just ready for her to be out so i could have a new little toy to play with.
funny how the moment i saw her she stole my heart. my life. my everything.
it didn't take but a second.

i had a counseling appointment last night, we were talking about things and i said
i could have helped how much i loved Makenzie if i knew our time would be so short. i said i wouldn't have let myself fall that in love. i would have loved her but not to the extent i do now.

on my way home i broke down because i realized how stupid that statement was.
it was totally out of my hands.
i never ever for one second had control over my love for her.
she completely owned me.
she captured every love string i had. she made me love, a whole new love that i never knew excised.
how silly of me.
to think i could have controlled how deeply in love i am with her.
the love is so deep. so powerful. i felt like anything was possible. there was no limits with her. i would have done anything and everything to give her the world. to give her all the love in the world.
i hope i gave her enough love in her lifetime.
i know i have never loved like that. and. i don't think ill ever love like that again. it was precious. it was rare. even if more children come into the picture they will never have her love.
theirs will still be great and powerful but it wont be like hers.
i don't think many know this level of love. I'm blessed to have felt it. to have loved someone this much.
in 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days my life was given a whole new meaning. a whole new purpose. and in that time i was given a lifetime. so i have asked how this could have effected me so much. and the answer- because it wasn't like any other kind of love. it wasn't like any other kind of gift. it was one in a billion.
it is one in a lifetime.
so that's why its so hard. that's why it still feels like yesterday. that's why i still cant breathe, i still cant live. because to have that level in your arms. to experience it everyday, then all the sudden its gone- there are no words. there is nothing to say because most will never understand. you have to have felt it to know.
love is not a big enough word for what i fell for my daughter.


Alerie said...

I love that you bring Makenzie a drink too. I am glad you felt ok while you were there and were able to share some special moments with her. The love that you and your daughter shared was so beautiful and so special!! I am glad you were able to feel that and still do feel that for her. How amazing!! AND how amazing for her to feel a love like that . Always thinking of you and praying for you!! Much love!!

Emma said...

You and Makenzie have something remarkable, incredible, hasn't and will never end, just as her life's impact on yours will never stop. I am glad you felt okay when you were visiting her, I am glad you are going to councelling and it seems already it is teaching you things-to accept this amazing gift of love, that she is so incredible that you had no control...from day one you didn't have control and none of what happened was in your control, you were here to love her and you did, you do and always will! Hugs, Em

onlymehere said...

I've followed your blog for awhile but rarely have time to comment since I check it on my break at work. I'm wondering if it may help you to visit this blog

They lost their sweet little Cora before she turned a year old. They thought she had ear infections and one routine visit went so wrong with the diagnosis of cancer. She can understand your pain more than I can since I have not lost a child but I did have three miscarriages. I know it's not the same at all for me to even try to compare but she'll understand and maybe together you can lean on each other and help each other through. Her faith is amazing but she still struggles.


brigette said...

Im so sorry Kendra. Its not fair you have to have your mommy daughter dates at the cemetery. Thank goodness we have a place to go visit them though. How awful would it be if we didnt. The love you have for Kenzie is amazing and im glad that you have it. I have a little gift for you. Will you please email me your address to my email its in case you dont have it anymore. Sending much love and hugs everyday!

Chels said...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is my favorite quote about love and like you when I fall in love I love with my whol everything and thats how I love my children those here and the one who is not as well as my husband. Its like you don't even care about anything but them and you would walk to the end of the earth fo them and want nothing but their happiness in return.
You learned that lond of unconditional love and Kenzie taught you that as she continues to keep teaching. Stay strong Kendra we are here and praying and loving you more and more everyday.


Victoria Strong said...

Your love for Makenzie is absolutely tangible. And you are is truly special. She will always be a part of you. It's learning how to hold that part close to your heart and still move I'm not sure how to do this. But I do know that you will find a way. Thinking of you and your beautiful little girl, Victoria

Britney said...

I was told about your blog by my sister (she is a friend of your sister's), and I have been following it for a long time. I have a little girl who was born 10days before your Makenzie. I just want to tell you THANKYOU! Thankyou for sharing you story and your love for your precious daughter with all of us. You have made me laugh, cry, and most importantly treasure and appreciate every second I have with my kids. You are an amazing woman, and I know that without even "knowing" you. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly and I admire you so much for the work you are doing to honor Makenzie. Hugs... Britney

Jenni said...

What a lucky little girl to have a mommy like you! I know that she knows how loved she is by you. I'm glad that you have a will to continue to breath and take one day at a time. That shows that you haven't given up. But I will never doubt how hard this is, and how tender those feelings will be for a very long time. You are a special girl. I wish I knew you better. I think of you often. *Hugs*


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