Tuesday, May 4, 2010

levels of pain

pain is such a strange word. it has so many levels- to many meanings. you can fall and scrape your knee while playing, you can break up with a boy/girl friend, you can miss the bus, you can fail a test, you can have a falling out with a friend, you can burn yourself, you can lose a grandparent.
the levels are endless.
everyone feels these levels at one point or another.
life sucks!
why do we have to experience these levels?
why do we have to know the deepest darkest levels of pain.
sometimes i wish i could experience the pain i used to feel a million times over to never learn of this pain. this level, i don't think it is even on the charts. its grater than anything you could imagine. i used to say if something ever happened to my husband or my children i would just die. i would lay in bed and never get up, i would run my car into a wall, i would just stop breathing because it would be to hard- to imaginable.
how is it that I'm now in it? what happened? i feel part of my life was put on fast forward and now its on pause- now I'm realizing what happened. i see what life was like may 4th 2009 and now what may 4th 2010 is. what cruel joke was played on us? what did we do or not do in that time to get to this point? the level of pain. this level that makes me forget to breath.
that saying would come into my head over and over through life "just breath". you say it but in all actuality you are still breathing, its just a way to calm yourself and slow down.
on a daily basis now- i start to get light headed, the room starts to spin, i cant feel my fingers and then i realize- i stopped breathing. its not just a saying anymore. I'm not breathing. its like my whole body is so tired, so exhausted, so done with just trying to breath that it stops. without warning. i feel everyday I'm working harder than i have ever worked before just to keep from falling, from crumbing, from curling up under my desk, from hiding in the bathroom, from just running away from it all. many moments i just cant anymore. i have to stop. my heart stops, my breathing stops, my mind stops and i just freeze. this pain is indescribable. its everywhere. its all over me. every second. I'm learning everyday how to hide it. I'm doing a good job of it. some days better than others. what i feel like doing is running away. forgetting life. forgetting people i love. forgetting people who care about me. forgetting money, work, food, responsibility's. and just running. hiding from every single thing that reminds me of her. i have mapped it out before. i have planned my escape route. but then-- i realize that no amount of running or hiding will take me from this pain. she isn't here. that is covering every inch of me. sometimes i imagine pain being this black heavy tar. that tar is dumped on me by the truck loads. now I'm trying to fight against the tar but its weighing me down, its hot, its heavy, its crushing me and it never stops. this big tar truck follows me around everywhere and keeps dumping it on me. if i was to run- that truck would follow me.
oh how i ache. i say those words yet they don't have the true meaning behind them.
its not a side ache like when you run to much, its not a back ache like when you work to hard, its not even a missing you because your far away but coming back ache.
i wish i could come up with my own word. something that would explain this feeling exactly.
** i just named a whole list of things that might relate to what this feeling is- it was things like getting your arms and legs cut off- so i deleted it... no reason for everyone to see my twisted mind.
but even then-
its still an indescribable pain. its torture. and all those things i listed- still didn't compare to burying your baby.
there is no word. there is no definition. its unimaginable. it hurts.
but its the truth. its the scary- raw- not sugar coated truth.
you could never imagine this unless you were in it.

i wish she was here.
i wish she didn't hurt.
i wish i could have taken that from her.
this pain....


Tara Bennett said...

Your words are so poignant and beautiful and break my heart. I cannot imagine your pain, but I pray for you to be comforted every single day. I pray you feel Makenzie in your life. Love you.

The Call's said...

Thank you for posting this. I can't imagine the pain you are going through especially at this time..I have said this before, but you are an inspiration to so many people. Makenzie is an inspiration. I also pray for you and Ryan every day. I hope for you to be able to feel Makenzie and feel peace.

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I'm truly sorry for your pain. I wish I had some words to comfort you, but I know there aren't any. I pray for you and hope you keep moving day after day.

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine your pain and what you feel every single day. My heart just aches for you. Please know that there is not a single day that goes by where you don't cross my mind and that I don't pray for you, Ryan and Makenzie. I know that doesn't take any of this pain away, but I hope that you are able to at least feel everyone's love for your family. I hope that you are able to feel Makenzie's sweet little arms wrapped around you and comforting you a little more and I hope she visits you in your dreams. She loves you more than anything!! Much love!!

Melissa said...

I wish so very bad, in the depths of my soul that I could bring her back for you! I hurt for you more then I knew I could ever hurt for a complete stranger. Your pain takes my breath away because it is such a raw pain. My gosh life isn't fair. I will continue praying for all of you.

Emma said...

Kendra, you are right, the pain you are in is unimaginable...and I wish you and noone else in the world had to go through it. I can not even begin to imagine what burying your child is like, noone can other than someone else who had to go through that pain, and even then everyone feels their grief in such a different way. I wish there was a way we could help you, help you dig out of the 'tar' as you describe it...just know there are so many of us sending you our love and prayers. You are right, running wouldnt take it away, you don't need to see things to remember Kenzie, she is always on your mind...I just hope at least some moments of your day you feel peace knowing that she knows how much you love her, that you did all you could for her and still continue to and that she is loving you just the same. Mostly, I pray for a cure for SMA, so no other mother, father or family have to go through this pain you describe. Loving you, Em

Chels said...


Your right there is no pain like burying your own child, unfortunately there are too many parents who have had to endure this pain, this torture that you describe. I can not promise you that is gets easier because we all deal with it in different ways and on many levels, but please know she is with you everyday even when it doesn't feel like it. She is an amazing part of you and Ryan and she will forever be your precious angel. I pray for you to please find peace and feel the love she has for you everyday. You truly are an amazing mother how lucky Kenzie is to have you.

Thinking and praying for you.
Much love, Chels

Jenni said...

I'm so sorry Kendra. I don't honestly know what else to say. I'm just so, so sorry that this had to happen to anyone. But even more sorry that it had to happen to an amazing family. **Hugs**


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