Friday, May 14, 2010

didnt happen

I tried.
Harder than I ever have before.
It was forced though.
it didn't happen.
I wanted to dream of her last night.
I wanted to live in a different world for just one night.
Even if it only lasted a few seconds.
I wanted to pick her up in my dream, hold her and kiss that face.
I need it.
I am ready to crumble because its been to long.
there really was no sleep, definitely no rest. i was trying to picture her. i was pushing it into my brain. i was begging God and Makenzie to please let me drift off into that life. the few moments i actually was asleep dreaming, they were of dumb-weird-crazy dreams that i hardly remember. i would wake myself up mid dream realizing she wasn't in them and force myself back to her face. i kept asking over and over to please let me dream of her. i was squeezing her blanket, i was imagining her laugh, i was doing anything i could to get her in a dream.
i woke up and was angry. i didn't want to get up. i told ryan to go to work and i might call in. now here i am. needing to write. debating on weather to go to work or lay here the rest of the day and cry. its not fair. she isn't here. I'm trying to accept that. but. let me please dream of her. let me have a pretend life every so often.
my breathing is shallow. my eyes are fuzzy. its like i need that drug. that drug of my daughter. i need her. its deeper than wanting, its heavier than wishing- its every muscle in my body, its every emotion you can imagine, its a physical need. i know i need to get up. keep moving. i have things to do today for makenzie. today I'm going to talk about her. if you want to hear- ask. i don't care today. I'm not going to hide it. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm sad. i miss my daughter. i want to hold her, kiss her, lay next to her- oh how i miss laying next to her. i want to feel her. today- I'm doing whatever i have to do so i can feel her.


Emma said...

Tears. Hugs. Love....wish there was more I could do, wish she was with, so sorry. Love you Kendra. Em

Laurel said...

I found your blog last night. I love my children dearly. Love them. Reading your blog made me think again how blessed I am to have children. That I need to spend more time with THEM. I need to play with them, sing with them, enjoy making food for them, bathing them, holding them. Thank you so much for being willing to share your story. It had made me cherish my children all the more. If that is the ONLY thing positive that comes from sharing your experience know that you have caused me to love my children even more than I already do.

Makenzie is beautiful. She is with our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the knowledge that we will get to see our beautiful families again. You will have her forever.

brigette said...

Oh kendra I'm so sorry!! I wish she had been in your dreams. I'm sorry your hurting so much! I know kenzie is proud of u and loves you so much!! Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help!! Even to talk it really helps to talk to someone that knows what ur going through! Much love

Alerie said...

Kendra I don't know what else to say other than I am so sorry. I wish more than anything you were able to visit her in your dreams last night and I will keep praying that is happens. I wish there was more that I could do. Sending you a BIG hug!! Much love!!

Candace said...

Praying for you, your husband and sweet baby...

Heidi said...

I don't know you, I have been following your blog for awhile now. My heart breaks for you and your husband! I'm so sorry you don't get to hold and love on your Kenzie for now! You are in my thoughts and prayers always!
This song made me think of you and your pain...Ache by James Carrington

Anonymous said...

You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't that my sunshine away.
I love you Kendra!!!
I love you Makenzie!!!
I MISS Her!!!
Love mom

Ana Oh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ana Oh said...

Thank you for your honesty Kenzie. You will get through this, you have to, for Kendra. Remember, Christ doesn't give us anything we can't handle and your just as strong now as ever. Lift your head up a little higher everyday, don't stop the tears. They help.
I'm praying for you and no, we haven't met either.

SewLindaAnn said...

Maybe someday we will know why some people have to take the hardest journeys thru life. Until then, what you give to others will make the moment by moment of living go by with reason. Maybe a book, a compilation of your journals. I can think of a lot of reason why, but it would take strength from you to make it happen. I'm so sorry for your loss, your need and wanting. I hope for many dreams of you and she together sharing the sunshine and warmth of each other.


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