Monday, August 18, 2008

Perfect Weekend

So as the letters keep coming in the memories and images keep popping up out of no where. I had the beautiful Teagan Mae and Devlin Don this last weekend. It was a weekend that was not the same as many other weekends. It was a weekend my mind was on everything but the little things. A spill happened here, I stepped on a really sharp toy there and again for the 10Th time in the last few hours Teagan spit up all over me. Between sippy cups, bottles, changes of clothes, laying on the ground that needs to be vacuumed, a second trip to the store in the same day because I forgot formula my life seemed almost perfect. I don't have children, (other than my husband and dog) yet when I have these 2 perfect little babies I become someone other than the soon to be 21 year old college girl.

Watching Devlin smile, run around, help me water the garden and tell me how much he loves his new backpack we got for school.

Watching Teagan kick, roll, flip that little body in every direction, lighting up the house with her smiles and giggles, holding her own bottle at 3 months.

~~~~ I started to cry. The world stopped this weekend. My Sunday morning was filled with more happiness being with these kids.

*****I wish Ryan was there- its the opening weekend of the hunt and

*****of course he couldn't miss that.

I started to think about the day before when I sat at Ryan's uncles funeral. Watching as the room wept. Life is so short. Days are so short. My life is running by me so fast that I'm starting to wonder if ill catch up. I keep falling behind. I see the beauty in these children and it makes those memories of being 5 come back. I was not a child I was an adult doing and seeing things I shouldn't even know about yet. I don't understand why the thoughts keep coming back so much now at this time in my life. My therapy away from simply being with Ryan is watching the life of my nieces and nephews. The smiles and joy I see from them almost makes everything that happened to that little girl go away, Like it doesn't matter because as long as nothing happens to these kids.

The past is really just filled with confusion. Not anger or hate just the lack of understanding what happened and why. Ill never get answers and especially not a good enough answer for causing so much pain and chaos. I really don't care though- The letters still keep coming and sometimes ill read them and sometimes I wont.

I didn't read the last one. **Instead I had this perfect weekend with the joy I forget exists when I read those letters.

My life is full of Love for Ryan beyond measures. This man who put all the dreams of a "perfect" wife aside to be with me and love me unconditionally! This crazy, full of extra baggage girl. Along the road of my life I have been blessed enough with some of the best people. I hate the fact I don't have contact with all of them anymore. Its sad that when someone touched your life so much, little things get in the way of holding close to them for forever. Of course I don't place blame- Its really probably my fault but to those who have ever been in my life for the positive I thank you. You have all given me my perfect weekend. Seeing the love, joy and beauty in this world is something I hope I can hold on to everyday. Its not all bad and I wish there was a little less of those bad times- however someone like me needs those bad times otherwise I wouldn't have had that perfect weekend to fully realize all the good.


Esther said...

Beautiful post Kendra! That is the best attitude to have as a mother, you will be a great one! Thanks for your example.

ML said...

It sounds like you are meant to be together!


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