sneak peek

We Ryan has been working so hard to get TK's room ready. 

If you remember my vision when we first started planning was a modern, unique space. I wanted lime green, grey, black and white with lots of chevron prints. As I started getting fabric samples and drawing out how the room was to look Ryan quickly nixed my vision. He wanted a more boy-ish room and thought what I wanted sounded a bit to girly. Whatev. So we started changing little things here and there. Before I knew it- the whole vision was completely changed and we were now working with a western theme. Oh dear. All I kept imagining was cheesy cowboy prints, bandannas everywhere and horrible colors mixed together. It took a while but we finally found a balance on the different styles, decor and furniture. Now that we are just about finished I am so happy with how things turned out and honestly cant imagine it being what I originally wanted.

This little boy is completely Ryan's mini me. I sure hope he ends up liking the whole hunting/cowboy/rugged thing because Ryan's is totally running with it.

I cant wait until its completely done and I can show off all the completed pictures.

Its definitely a change to walk into his room and not see the bright pink walls. 

What I am more excited to share is the TINY budget we had to work with and all that we were able to do with it. Seriously there have been some creative minds in this house the last few months.

4th of July

We didn't do anything for the 4th this year. Nothing. We stayed home, spent time with each other here and there but I mainly was burring my face in books studying for a state test I was taking.

We were able to get away long enough to see our Makenzie and leave a few decorations for her.

We went to bed fairly early and didn't even see a single firework. 

We have some room for improvement next year- especially with a little one in the house but this year was not a big deal. We are still grateful and remembered the amazing freedom we have.

That is something we will never forget or take for granted.

3 years ago

3 years ago I was having some crazy contractions that were keeping me up every night for a full 2 days before actually giving birth. During the day I was perfectly fine. We decided to head up the canyon on the 15th with our friends for a last little evening before we were both going to pop. Allie was having her baby just a couple weeks after me. That night was the start of those crazy contractions. 

Its kind of crazy to me to remember 3 years ago. Never imagining what it would be like to be a Mom. Day dreaming about what this little girl would look like. Scared how our lives would be changing. 

My baby would be 3 years old this year. 

I wonder what she would like. I wonder what kind of spunky personality she would have.

What would the last 3 years have been like raising a little girl?

It almost seems impossible to have a life like that. 

Its hard to imagine a life with baby T. Its hard to picture what we will be doing this time next year. That there will be a child in our home. That we will be a Mom and Dad. 

I am so looking forward to that. 

I am missing my Makenzie so much right now. I missing everything about her. I miss her smell and her eyes and her toes and her ears and the noises she would make. She was the very best thing to come into our lives and I cant believe its been 3 years since we first laid eyes on each other. Some days hurt so much I wonder if ill be able to keep breathing. There have been so many emotions that have gone into this pregnancy. Good and bad. Happiness and fear. Excitement and worry. 

Being 9 weeks away from meeting Makenzies little brother is surreal. 

I cant wait to hold him. I cant wait to love on him. and I cant wait to feel his sister through him.

We have family in town this week which has been keeping us busy. Its nice to keep our minds occupied. We are having a party on Wednesday and I hope it turns out like I am imagining. 

Celebrating my daughters birthday without her here has yet to get easier.

--- The last picture I took being pregnant. July 15th 2009. Life has changed so fast ---

31 Weeks

How far along? 31 Weeks--- Single digit countdown!
Maternity clothes? The majority of this week has been 100 degrees +. I don't think its fair to expect pregnant women to live in this kind of heat let alone be dressed in this heat. Who wants to see this ever expanding body? No one. Not even me. but maybe we should be able to have like some kind of nude pregnancy resort we can run away to...
Best moment this week: Celebrating Rykers birthday, friends, family, swimming, doctors appointment.
Not so good moment of the week: No sleep. Insomnia is back...
Miss Anything? It would be nice to be able to shave my legs without smashing my baby in half and feeling like I am going to pass out... Its really tricky to work around this belly. and shaving other areas--- lets just say it will be nice to have a normal view again.
Movement: All the time. All night long...
Food Cravings: No cravings right now.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Feeling fine. Just exhausted all day and cant sleep at night.
Gender: BOY.
Symptoms: Heartburn has been a beast this week. Its so weird because I haven't really had any heartburn with this boy and that was one of the first symptoms with Kenzie and was horrible all throughout my pregnancy.
Emotions: This week has only been a little better because I have been even busier which has left little time for tears.
Looking forward to: Family being in town and celebrating Makenzie and Ryans birthday this week. I cant believe we have a 3 year old and I cant believe I have will be celebrating 7 birthdays with my best friend.

Doctors appointment went good. I didn't get to see my OB again because he was delivering a bebe. So crazy to think about all the miracles he helps welcome into the world everyday and that in a short amount of time he will be welcoming ours. eek. Its so surreal. His nurse did my checks and I just love her. They are the most amazing team and I know if we ever were to move I would be driving or flying back here to have them watch over my pregnancy. TK is still measuring a full 14 days ahead. Cindy laughs and just tells me to prepare for a big boy. I imagine this little squashy muffin and just cant wait to eat him up. He is head down still using my bladder as a play toy. His heart rate was perfect and super strong. I lost 6lbs since my last apt which was less than 2 weeks ago. I was scolded but explained I have been eating no less and just super busy. She said she expect that to not happen again but isn't near as worried because I am still measuring bigger. I am not concerned at all because this kind of happened before with Makenzie. For some reason my body gains quite a bit in the first trimester... slowly increases in the second and pretty much doesn't gain any in the third. I just stay the same weight and the baby keeps growing. We will see by the end what happens this time but so far its been the same as with Makenzie. Speaking of... I cant believe 3 years ago today I started having crazy contractions that kept me up all night starting today. They never got close enough to go to the hospital (around 10 min. apart) and didn't happen at all during the day just all night long. It was a rough couple of days before she finally decided to make her entrance.

30 Weeks

*my 2 bebes*

How far along? 30 Weeks--- We are almost to the single digit count down people!
Maternity clothes? Have I mentioned I hate clothes? You should have seen the show I put on for Ryan the other day. Outfit after outfit didn't fit and trying to take them clothes on and off was like an Olympic sport. He couldn't stop laughing. After I was done I was all hot and sweaty and my arms were jello-y like I just lifted weights.
Best moment this week: We made some major progress in TK's room. I cant wait to show everyone. I am so in love with it. Thank God for Ryan and his Dad. They have saved me.
Not so good moment of the week: Feeling sick. Consistently studying (ill post about why another time) and being gone day and night and not seeing much of Ryan. Someday we will be together again.
Miss Anything? Being able to get dressed like a normal human. Not needing to pee 3 seconds after I just finished peeing, feeling comfortable.
Movement: I honestly wonder most of the day what the hell he is doing in there. I get the weirdest sensations that is not a jab or kick and I cant figure out whats going on. I read a lot about how big he is and try to imagine him in there. It sure doesn't seem very comfortable to me. I need to stretch out. I guess that's what he is trying to do most of the time.
Food Cravings: No cravings. Just very picky about what sounds good at any given moment. I have totally stopped planning our meals for the week ahead like I have done since we have been married because I never what what we are suppose to have. and I usually want something that we don't have in the house. Its very sad some days.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I have been feeling super queasy this week but haven't really got sick. Just feeling off and uncomfortable.
Gender: Still a BOY.
Symptoms: Just being large and in charge.
Emotions: Doing better. I probably only have 1-2 breakdowns a day :)
Looking forward to: Doctors appointment this week- I am going every 2 weeks now. and having a special birthday celebration for Ryker this next weekend.

Being in the moment.

8 days from today back in 2009 I gave birth to my first born.
I became a Mom.
I had a daughter.
My life changed.
I have been planning her birthday. I have been thinking of her birthday. I have been dreaming of what life would be like with an almost 3 year old. and somehow the reality of it really being this time of year just hit me. Maybe that's where all my insecurities have come from lately? Realizing that this time 3 years ago I never dreamed it was possible to lose something so precious. I am pregnant and the crazy emotional roller coaster that puts you on is one thing but to add the rest of emotions that come along with this time of year is probably whats sending me over the edge. Other than Makenzie Ryan is the most important person in my life. He has been the very best thing to ever happen to me and I just cant imagine life without him. Knowing I really have no control over what could or could not happen to him drives me crazy. Have I ever mentioned I'm a control freak? yeah its kind of a sickness. and I really try hard to keep it in check but most of the time I cant. So there is my control freak coming out with Ryan. Fearing what I would do without him. Who would I talk to. Who would hold me. Who would understand what I'm feeling? He has been that for me for going on 6 years now and has carried me through some of the darkest times of our lives. So if he goes. What will I do? How will I be able to survive? How will I get out of bed everyday? How will I deliver this child without him. How will I raise a baby without him. and heaven forbid anything happen to baby T. Who will keep me from going crazy like the last time?
I have a great support system with our families and I am so grateful for them but they are not my husband. He is my very best friend and if he wasn't here I would be lost.
but unfortunately like many- I don't have control over what is to come in our lives. I cant stop something from happening that is meant to happen. and that control issue will just drive me to a very bad place if I keep it up. No one is exempt from death. No one is exempt from tragedy. No one is exempt from the worst case scenario. No one is exempt from losing your whole life. Many times when we hear of something tragic happening to someone we always think that will never happen to us. It only happens to other people. but really it can happen to any of us. There is not telling when something life altering will happen and to whom.
I have seen the worst case. I have been there. but that doesn't mean I'm exempt from it ever happening again. With another child or with someone else I love.
It really sucks to say that. I wish there could be some kind of guarantee. I wish that especially since I already lost Makenzie I could be promised nothing like that will ever happen again. but that's not how life works. That's not how God works and that's not how my plan is laid out. I pray nothing like that ever happens but who knows if it will.
The only thing I can do today is make sure I tell Ryan as many times as possible how much I love him. Make sure he knows how truly thankful I am to have him as my husband. and stop at every busy rushed moment and just enjoy him.
The best thing I ever did in Makenzies life was to savor every single day with her. To soak up every minute that she was here. At the time I did that because I knew I only had 12 weeks of maternity leave and I just couldn't imagine what my days would be when I only got to see her in the mornings and at night. So I didn't rush it. I didn't wish she was sleeping better. I didn't pray she would let me lay her down while I did chores. I soaked up every breath she took. I took advantage of every waking moment she gave me.
When T is born I know I will do the same. but instead of it being because I'm on maternity leave- it will be because I don't have control over what will happen tomorrow and I don't want to rush it. I don't want to rush whatever else is in store for us. I don't want to rush him growing up. I don't want to rush missing out on every moment he gives me.
I pray everyday- several times a day- God lets me keep him. That he lets me have a long life with him. That Ryan and I get to be parents for the rest of our lives. I am working on my faith and trusting in that. but its hard. and I have bad moments that sometimes last a couple weeks or months. but then I slowly come out of them knowing I am not in control. and just remembering to thank God for what is here and now.
I was so anxious to be done with pregnancy this time 3 years ago. I wish I would have savored those days. Those few days before she came. When she was safe. When I could take her everywhere and I could feel her all day and I could take complete care of her.
I am so excited for T to get here but I can wait. Right now I am just enjoying the moments when I feel his cute butt shove into me. When he jabs and kicks and punches so hard I think he will do some serious damage in there. When I sit back and just watch my belly mold into all different shapes. He is growing. I am protecting him. He is safe. and I don't have to let him go right now.
I am thankful for these moments. I am honored that he has chosen me to be his mom.
Only 66 days until he makes his arrival. Only 66 more days I can keep him this close. Only 66 more nights he wakes me up at all hours with his incredible acrobatic skills.
This time is so important and I don't want to rush it.

oh the tears keep flowing

okay I know this is like the 14678 post I have done about how I cry and how I miss Ryan all the time and how I am having a hard time. but here is another. because this helps me get things out.


I cry because I am happy. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am scared. I cry because my house is a mess. I cry because I feel like I never get to see Ryan. I cry because Ryan is working so hard. I cry because its hot. I cry because I feel huge. I cry because my belly hurts. I cry because money is never there. I cry because I miss my baby. I cry because I miss being a mom. I cry because I worry about this baby. I cry because I need this baby. I cry because my DVR broke. I cry because the dog stinks. I cry because I need to get my car washed but don't have time. I cry because I don't have time to do a lot of things. I cry because I miss not having responsibilities. I cry because of lies. I cry because of movies. I cry because of songs. I cry because I cry to much.
Sometimes its nice to have a big huge cry. Sometimes when you have that huge cry it calms you for a while and you feel better. That was me last night. Crying for a long while. While Ryan held me. Crying about missing Makenzie. Crying about how unfair it is that we don't have her anymore. That the thoughts, feelings and memories of her are fading away. I cried about how I hate being so clingy to him. That I hate how I literally think I'm going to stop breathing whenever he leaves my side fearing that will be the last time I ever see him. I cried and cried and snotted all over him. Then I felt better. for the rest of the night.
Now its another day and I am back to wanting to cry.
I think I am ready for the emotions of pregnancy to be over with.
I am ready to be somewhat normal. and that is my kind of normal. which is even crazy for the average. but at least my kind of normal I am used to and I can for the most part handle.

After Makenzie passed away whenever someone would hear they would say something along the lines of...
I don't know how you even get up in the morning... or... I would just kill myself...
Honestly at that time- it was so so hard and like I have mentioned the first couple weeks after she died my sister came over every single morning to get me out of bed. but after that initial period I had to go back to work. I had other daily things I needed to accomplish. I had a husband to take care of and I didn't feel like laying in bed or killing myself was really an option.
I wish I was filthy rich and could go insane and never get out of bed but for us poor folk its not really a possibility.
The past few weeks I have started feeling that same not wanting to get out of bed feeling. I get so frustrated because I think-- if you survived the death of your child why cant you handle the birth of your next?
Its so hard for me to understand so I don't expect anyone else to.
I am scared. Of everything. I am scared of loving him. I am scared of not loving him. I am scared about the whole sperm donor thing. I am scared about his health. I am scared about my patience. I am scared about his life. I am scared about Ryan. I am scared about raising this child if something happened to Ryan.
Over and over in my head I get these images that I am giving birth to this baby alone because Ryan died or something. I try to shove them out of my head and they don't leave. They are like tattooed in there just eating my away. I get all hot and panic-y, sweaty and nauseous and then usually end up just feeling ill the rest of the day. That's everyday.
What is so hard to understand is that I have always prepared for the worse case scenario in life (other than losing Kenzie) Its like I have a plan that if this... happened I would do this... just so I wasn't caught off guard. and the death or separation from Ryan has come up in our almost 6 years of marriage before and although I would be absolutely devastated I was able to somewhat come up with a plan of what I would do... Now please know that this plan would be thrown out the window if something ever really happened because I have no clue what I would really feel or what I would really do. This dumb "plan" is more just to calm my anxiety. I just don't want anyone who has unfortunately been through this, feel like I could sit here and say I would have the slightest idea what I would actually feel or do because I just cant imagine. I cant imagine what you are continuing to go through.
.... so I have had this "plan" mapped out before but since I got pregnant and especially in the past couple weeks/months I honestly cant even fathom something happening to him. I cant even try to make up a plan or prepare myself for what I might feel. Why is it so different? Why is it so much worse now?
and for pregnancy. This is what I wanted. This is what I planned and dreamed and prayed and begged God for. Why is it so scary. Why does it seem so impossible. Why cant I just enjoy this. Its going to be over so soon. I am definitely not ready for him to be here. I am excited but my fear is taking over the excitement.
I watch Kenzies videos and look at her pictures and everything about her was so not scary. It just fit. It worked. We made it work. We did our best and we loved that girl more than anything in this world.
Why cant I just have faith that will happen again?
I don't want this little boy to come into this world to greet such an emotional mess of a Mom.
I am trying everything possible to get myself in check.
My biggest help is crying. After I cry I feel normal for a little while. I feel like I can do this and things will be good. but then I hate crying all the time.
So ill go have a good snotty cry and hope to figure this all out someday.

29 Weeks

*the only picture I have this week. woah belly*

How far along? 29 Weeks
Maternity clothes? I hate maternity clothes. I hate clothes period. I am on my way to buy a cart full of mumus...
Best moment this week: A whole day spent with Ryan. I have missed him the last few weeks. Greeting each other in bed at night and saying goodbye in the morning is not enough for this lady.
and getting to hear this little boys heart beat and being reassured he is doing great.
Not so good moment of the week: The horrible blood draw at my glucose test.
Sweetest lady- bless her heart. but I have never been so close to passing out in my life.
Ms. next time please dont start chatting without holding onto the needle that is dangling from my arm which fly's out and shoots blood all over. and then be so busy talking that you then throw away all the blood you just collected and need to draw from me once again which after a few failed attempts you cant get a vain so you ask your sweet helper who comes and stabs my other arm.
Miss Anything? I havent really missed anything this week although it would be nice to not have to get up and pee every hour during the night.
Movement: He is very violent at times. I love watching my belly move around and be so active.
He is very calm during the day but at night he doesn't stop. He wakes me up several times a night with his strong jabs.
Food Cravings: I am still on this aversion to food. I am hungry but cant get myself to actually eat anything. Everything sounds gross.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing this week.
Gender: BOY.
Symptoms: Oh my lord. I honestly thought I knew what heartburn and acid reflux was but I have learned this week I clearly didnt. I have had some sleepless nights because of it.
Emotions: Doing a LITTLE better but not much. I am not sure how to help my little problem with being away from Ryan. I guess it will just take time, I hope.
Looking forward to: Almost to week 30! The whole month of July is crazy busy but full of fun. Visits from family, tons of birthdays, holidays, a little vacation. I cant wait.

Starting around 15 weeks I have been measuring consistently 10 days early. At this last appointment my doctor said I am now measuring 2 full weeks early. No change in due date, just means this boy might be big! Oh heaven help me. I am perfectly content to have a tiny little peanut like Makenzie. I fear for those 10lbs babes. They are so dang cute when they are all cubby when born but man I don't know if I can do it.

Work Party

On Saturday Ryan had a work party up in Park City.

I was extra excited because it was suppose to be over 100 degrees at home but only 80 in PC so I was all over the 20 degree difference. Aside from the heat we were excited to experience all the fun at the Alpine Slides. We got together at this beautiful park before for a little recognition ceremony and a yummy lunch and then headed up the mountain. I read ahead of time that I could ride everything except the zip line being prego so I was happy to get to enjoy some of the activities. His company got everyone an unlimited daily pass which meant we could ride the slide, coaster and the zip line as much as we wanted. 

We took full advantage and spent the whole day there. It ended up being rather warm and Ryan got completely fried but had the best time. I loved spending time with all the people Ryan is with all day and it was even better getting to spend a whole day with Ryan. I have sure missed him.

Ryan had a great time racing with everyone but I was perfectly content making sure this baby didnt get hurt so I went nice and slow. Baby T was not bothered by all the excitement. He was just as mellow as ever and the second we got home and ready for bed he was going crazy. 

This boy is seriously going to be trouble if he keeps this up.

We are so lucky to be apart of a company that treats their employees so well and Im so thankful Ryan has such an amazing group of people to work with everyday.

The Alpine Slide

The Alpine Coaster

The Rock wall.

The views were amazing.

We didnt leave until after dark and we were all exhausted.

It was a great day.

Its HOT outside.

It has been an unusually hot June and we are feeling it.

So what do we do on a HOT summer day?

SWIM!

Well we wanted to swim but found that Harleys pool had a hole so we had to improvise.

We blew up this floaty thing and filled it up with water along with a bucket.

Harley was in heaven and played for hours.

My job this week is to get this girl a real pool so she can actually lay down in it.

We are just entering July and still have a long hot summer to go.

I hope we survive.

She was one happy happy dog.