the last few days...

we had the mini (niece) again so the weekend was all about her. all girl. and lots of fun.

this silly thang decided to give herself a new hair do a few days earlier so first thing saturday morning. we took her to get it fixed. love you girl but seriously it was a hot mess.

see what im sayin. apparently the 90's are back and she needed to join the mullet gang.

they had to cut it rather short but i must say she looks pretty dang cute.

after the beauty parlor we had lunch with our best buds.

whenever these girls get together its like they have never been apart. 

dress up.dolls.barbies.books. you name it. it was everywhere.

b-man was all about chasing the girls. he is definitely going to be a ladies man.

Ryan ditch his girls and went camping - boys only!

so us girls made the most of it and had a girls only night and morning.

we snuggled tight in bed and slept in. got up and made yummy berry smoothies. watch 3 princess movies. did a little cleaning. fixed up our hair. did a few clothing changes. 

tried on jewelry and put on mounds of "lips" (lip gloss)

*poor harley. she takes a lot from this girl*

after ryan got home we decided to soak up some of the good weather and took the fam. out on a walk

ryan+kendra+mini+jill+harley

i couldn't resist. this girl wanted picture after picture taken and she gave me every facial expression she could think of. i was cracking up because this lasted well over 5 minutes. 

we ended our weekend with a very yummy dinner accompanied by our other (couple) half- the andersons.

what else is new?

- school starts again this week

-there has been more work to be done on ryans truck :(

-the warm weather is starting to come out and we cant be more excited

-our long time basement roomie has decided she is heading out on her own and movin out

-i passed ALL my classes!! woowoo.. my grades... A-B-C.. seriously. ha.

-we are mapping out our summer weekends and they are filling up fast

-mrw live, laugh, breathe event in july is coming along well. so anxious! 

back to everyday life. back to work. back to responsibilities.

Kenzie Day #17

I cant believe it had been 17 months since I held her last. Since I saw her beautiful eyes. I miss her.

Kenzie Day #17 = Movie Night

movie = tangled

Not many could come this month but thats okay, we still had a great time. We had plenty of food and treats. The girls bounced between the barbies, the movie and dancing outside.

We sent the balloons first since it would be getting dark soon.

The pizza was pretty good... dont you think?

The adults had all eyes on the show as the girls were in and out of it.

Kind of funny. We kept telling them to be quiet.

What a fun night. We all love and miss our Makenzie.

You were dancing right along with your cousins love, I know it!

... just a preview of what we got to watch for seriously over an hour.

Why I Blog....

I write because I have freedom. I don't need to worry about what other people might think. What kind of reaction ill get. I can talk about the same things over and over. I can be irrational. I can say what I'm feeling right in that moment and then move forward. I am compiling my blog book for 2010. Its a whole lot of Makenzie. A whole lot of my feelings on the same topic. We are into 2011 and I'm starting to see the same trend. Funny thing is... I don't care. I mean I kind of do because I would like to share more of my life to an extent since this is my journal but in reality I don't have much more to share than my deepest feelings. and. those feelings are Makenize. There is not a second that goes by that I don't find myself thinking about her. Thinking about her new life. The life I was able to share with her. The life we will share again someday. I get lost in a single imagine of her in my mind and before I know it minutes or sometimes hours have passed. I decided early on in this process that I would not be done. I would not give up and I would keep breathing. 
I am still here and I am still breathing.
Life isn't about the end result, its about the steps along the way. These are all steps I'm taking and in order to take that next step--- I cant ignore how I got here. Everything in life is what brings you to where you are right now. The good and bad. As much as I could wish the rest of my life that I had my Makenzie with me, I have to understand that is a wish that it will not come true.
Its a wish that was, A wish that will be again- but not now. 
I write about her so much because this is my escape. Its my escape from the front I put on every.single.day. The happy-silly-life is good- persona.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not always un-happy. I am learning how to be happy. I have great days and I have alot of good in my life.

But if I really wanted to- if I really let myself give in- My life would be on pause. I would stay home and hold all of her things. I would watch her videos over and over. I would bury my face into her dirty clothes that still smell like her. I would never leave my house because, whats the point. She was my reason and its a daily task to remind myself that there are other reasons.

It has been very interesting to see what people say after something like this happens. More often than not, I hear... "I would just die if that happened to me" "I would never get out of bed" "I would kill myself".... So on and so on.. The reality- I said those same words. Before I had Makenzie. I said those words while I held her in my arms when she was "healthy". I said those words when she was in the hospital bed with the unknown still in front of us. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I really am doing this. The unthinkable. I am still living.
The morning after Makenzie returned to God Ryan and I were staying in a hotel... (we couldn't go home that night) I laid in that bed, awake but refusing to open my eyes. I screamed. I cried harder than I had ever cried before that moment. I begged God to let this be a dream and to please not let this be real. I was out of control. Laying next to my husband-both realizing what our world has just become.
I made a choice that day.
I got up.
I held her blanket.
and I started moving.
Her life would not end. My life would not end. Ryans life would not end.
Why?
Because we still had to survive- not only for her but for the future that we would be given.

What am I trying to get at here?
This blog has become my security. Its my place that I can totally crumble and give in. I can say things that I cant always say out loud. I can express my feelings better than I can anywhere else. I can get the anger. The hate. The sadness. The missing. The wanting. The hurt. The ache... Out.
I can put it here and than go back to reality.
and reality is not always so easy. Its work, school, family, friends, chores, errands, responsibilities...
There usually isn't time to just sit there and miss. Its when I'm here and in this state of mind that I can drift away for a bit... Well here and in my car!

I write about her so much because I miss her so much. I want to be a mother. I was ready to be a mother. She was the best thing to ever come into my life and she made me a different person. Not only the life she gave me but the life she endured has made me who I am. She is my daughter and I miss her more than I could ever explain. I was not ready to let her go and that is never going to change. I am learning to live my life around this. There is no having this go away or get better. Its simply moving everything else around it in a way that life can still move forward. I know this life was meant for me and Its my obligation to live it the very best I can. This blog is now apart of my moving forward.

fighting with myself

Last night was a night I could have really used that punching bag I gave my little brother.
I was punching air.
I was swinging my arms and fist so vigorously I thought my arms might fly off. I guess I was making funny faces because Ryan was silently laughing. I know he was trying to just be a support from afar. He could tell I was just off. I kept swinging. At nothing. My arms started to really ache but I kept going. Then I stopped long enough to turn and look at Ryan who was trying so hard to hold back a smile. There was his wife. Standing in the dark, In his over sized Tshirt and under-roos, hair in disarray, makeup totally washed off, face beat red, swinging at nothing. I am not a fighter. I have always been one to say if I ever was put in a situation where I needed to fight someone, I could lay down and curl up in the fetal position and cry. I cant fight. I can pinch and scratch but that's about it. So for me to stand there punching as hard and as fast as I could with no real form. I can imagine it was rather amusing. I kinda gave him a glare to warn him that I would come over there swinging if he started to laugh but then started punching nothing again.
There was so much built up. So much pressure bursting from my body and the only way I could figure out how to let it out was to just get up right then (10pm at night) and start wailing on nothing.
There was no specific emotion. No specific reason. It was everything. Everything! I was mad at the world. I was furious with God. I was disappointed in myself. I was irritated with Ryan. I was fed up with everyone else around me that breathed. It had been boiling. For a few days. In those days nothing really happened. No one tried to kill me or hurt my family. There was no huge milestone that was overly horrible. There is no explanation.
I don't understand myself sometimes. I do things that really don't make sense. I act in ways I cant explain. I don't blame that on any particular issue in life but rather--- I am human.
You are given so much, good and bad. You have expectations. You have rules. You have slip ups.
There is so much. Which sometimes leave people like me, having a boxing match with themselves at 10:00 at night.
I have been so overwhelmed. I have been piling so much pressure onto myself. I have been building these expectations that are a mile high. I don't give myself a break.

- ha, I don't need a break. There are so many other people who are going through so much worse than me and doing so much more. I am just a simple person with everyday things and I shouldn't complain. I need to do better, be better and act better than anyone.

rigggghhhtttt....
That's what I tell myself everyday. I get upset when I don't get up early enough to put another load of laundry in before work or if I don't make Ryan lunch...
I get angry with myself if my car is a mess, if all our regular doctor, dentist and other misc. appointments are not set up for the next year. I stress over the check list after check list I create for myself on a daily basis. Then I feel foolish when I complete everything because in reality nothing is complete. I should be doing something else... Like clean out that window well!
The house is never clean enough, the laundry is never REALLY done, the car is never full of gas, there isnt enough money.
Its never enough. There is no end.
When will I stop?
There is so much pressure. For all of us.
I need to stop. Breathe. Know I have done good.
No matter how much or how little I get done, Its enough.
Easier said than done right...
Can you relate?
I feel I'm not giving enough attention to Ryan.
I feel I don't give enough to my friends and I'm not around them enough.
I feel I am neglecting my family.
I feel I ignore important responsibilities.
I feel I lack in my school and career.
I feel I'm not listening for Makenzie enough.
Over and over. Again and again.
You see someone else from the outside. They seem to have it all together. They seem to get it.
What don't I get? Why cant I figure it out and get myself together?
The realist in me says-- they don't have it all together. They are human and probably have 10pm nights like me.
The un-realistic side of me... the one who shows its self more... It stuck thinking I'm not enough.

If you get this... If you can relate... Help!
As much as I love to hear--- You just have to believe your enough--- Its not working for me. Is there something else? Should I be doing or saying something else?
Tonight I might be to tired to have a boxing match again. It took a lot out of me!

Mothers Day

July 18 2009

my first moments as a mommy

lucky for me, it was to an incredible little girl named Makenzie Rye.

There is so much in the name MOM.

so many titles, duties, roles, responsibilities....

being a mom

has highs and lows

big moments and little moments

nap times and bed times

snacks and messes

bath routines

story time

worries and fears

laughs and smiles

dreams and wishes

choices and mistakes

hugs and kisses

tears and snotty noses

blow outs and clean up

laundry and laundry

milestones and moments

minutes and seconds

holding and snuggles

spit up and farts

cartoons and music

blocks and dolls

planning and delays

happiness and joy

proud and honored

warm and fuzzy

the littlest moments mean the most

Well Ms. Thang- Makenzie Rye.

 Another year. Another day. You there, me here. I still have those days and today was one of them. Not being with you has been weighting. I am wanting. Wanting you more than everything else in the world. More than any-thing I could imagine.

Oh how big you would be. How much you would have grown. The attitude and personality you would have developed. I can just see it now. My little spunky girl. 

Oh lovie. I am so thankful for you. I am so very honored I can call myself a Mother because of your beautiful life. You have blessed me in more ways than I think you planned. 

Happy Happy YOU Day!

Today is simply MY day because of YOU. I wouldn't be who I am without you. 

I wouldn't be a Mother without you as my daughter. 

You are my first and the only one who can call me Mom. 

You are my dream. You are my wish. and you came True.

Thank you for your eyes, your smile, your kisses, your heart, your fingers and toes, your hair and your nose. Thank you for every breath you took and I thank you for every second of your life you blessed me with. I love you to the moon. I love you with everything I am.

You are the reason I keep going, To be with you again. 

For that first Mothers Day I will get to spend with you. I cant wait. 

xoxoxo

Love Momi

My day didn't feel like a mothers day. I wish I would have taken more advantage and did something.

Breakfast = left over burrito that tasted like, blah...

Felt horrible and was just sad so went back to bed. Slept.

Ryan finally got me up at 4pm. Wasted the day away.

Went to dinner with Ryans mum. Dessert with my Mum. 

We tried to spend as much time with those amazing ladies as possible which left our visits going past 9pm. Still didn't get to see Kenzie. Needed to go there. I had flowers for her.

Ryan drove there in pouring rain. 

To make us feel better I just blamed the rain on the fact that she must be having a bubble bath and splashing way to much :)

It was pitch black and we were soaked. 

But I gave her kisses. 

I told her my I love You's. 

I dropped off her Sonic drink and I stood there sipping mine knowing she would enjoy hers as soon as I left. I'm thankful for her. For every second she gave me then and for every lesson she is teaching me now.

Cant end our Mother Day without telling our Mothers how much they are loved. We are blessed beyond measures to have them in our life. They are the reason we are here. They are the reason we had our Makenzie. They love us, support us and give so much to us. 

We love you to bits and pieces.

I have to send a very very very special Happy Mothers Day to all my mommy friends who are in the same missing boat as me. All those amazing Mothers who don't have their lovies with them. I am praying for you all. To have them hold you tonight. This road is long, to hard and so not fair. What amazing women there are. Those I know especially are just so incredible. I'm thankful for your guidance. You are my rock and you help me and inspire me more than any of you could ever imagine.

Thank You.

Happy Mothers Day.

at the store

standing in that isle.
every card is pink.
everything says celebrate. love. lucky. thank you. happy. mothers. day
i am trying to find a card. for my mom.
a dad and 2 little girls stood in front of me.
i stepped back and watched them. couldn't move. the littlest had to be around kenzies age.
she kept picking up cards saying..... happy mothers... then putting it back and finding another.
they were there at least 5 minutes before they each picked out the perfect card.
i still couldn't move
i didn't want to read a single one.

i imagined her mothers day without me.
her day because its the day she made me, me. a mother.
god i miss her.
i wish she was picking out a card with ryan.

so there i was. surrounded by people. pushing around me. and i still didn't move. i cried. one that just hurt.

after a quiet car ride home i told ryan that i wish i was a mom.
of course he got on me. told me how i am and forever will be a mom.
i guess he is right, but. she isn't here.
im not getting up early to get her out of bed. im not saving for college. im not thinking about preschools. i don't spend my nights playing on the floor. i don't worry about dirty diapers or healthy foods. i don't think about spills, falls, tears, scrapped knees.
its hard to feel like a mom.
its hard to remember i am a mom.
it was such an honor to worry about all of that before. it only lasted such a short time. how can it still ache so much. maybe because for us. we are mothers the moment we find out they exist.
once we see them, touch them, feel them... we become different people and there is no going back.
its in us forever.
im so very thankful for being then. for her life. for the short time i was able to call her mine.
i am dreaming our world is different. even for a day. i don't need her to do anything for me. i just want to feel that again. a mom. being her mom.

The winner is.....

Thank you to everyone who played. I know it wasn't the very best prize and ill get better ones soon but the lucky #6 COURTNEY will be given the 5 pack of hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works!

Notice on her comment... Its her birthday today!

YEAH!!!

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to YOU, Happy Birrrthdayyy to COURTNEY

Happy Birrrttthhhdaaayyy tooooooooo YOU!

(I was singing so loud)

Hey Birthday Girl... Email me so I can get your stuff to you.

Remember our yard sale!!!

Only 2 days away!

AND I'm selling a Nikon Coolpix camera that's less than a year old. If you are interested send me an email!

life

Sometimes I still find myself surprised that life is still moving. That nothing will last forever. No one. Nothing. It will all end. You sell it, lose it, burn it. Someone dies, runs away, moves away, goes missing. Nothing is permanent. My anxiety is kicked into high gear. Seeing how little control there is over anything really.  These are the times I have to sit down and just breathe. I have to give all my fear, anxiety and doubt to God and pray he gives me some sort of relief. I still have this dumb earthly mind that still doubts who God is, what he looks like, how he runs things, what is going on up there, is it really "up" there, does he have a desk, do we all have a file in a filing cabinet?  What do the angels do? Are they all in white, do they have wings, do they wonder around with their hands pressed against each other and sing? Is the ground just clouds? Do you eat? Do you poop? Do you get a tummy ache or rashes? Do you still need to get your shots if you are a baby (Makenzie is past due for a few)... Is there houses? Do you sleep? Where do you go?
You see my mind is spinning all the time. The wondering and fear. The what ifs and who is there.
I am learning to trust in my faith.
I'm learning my faith.
I'm still learning this new world.
Ryan and I decided we should sell our video camera. We bought it a month after Makenzie was born. I had to have something to capture everything about her. I needed to remember everything then. Who would have known how precious and irreplaceable those videos are to me now. How just the sound of her breathing will take me to a different world. This camera is great. However, we got a new computer for Christmas this last year, an Apple. Love the computer but our computer and camcorder don't sync. Weird. Every other brand would work on an Apple but not Sony.... So we have had to convert all of Makenzie's videos to a format that we can play on our Apple. THANK GOD. I also have those videos in a couple other places... Just in case! But the point is we think its silly to keep this camcorder around when we should get a new one so we can capture memories of future children. The decision to sell wasn't a huge deal. That is until I realized I will have to delete her videos off it. It has internal memory so we never had an SD card or anything. Those videos are on that camera. There is no taking them off without deleting them. I have them in several other places, I have them all, I will never lose them but the thought of hitting that delete button on those videos makes me want to throw up. I want to pull out my hair. I want to scream and hide. My anxiety is on overdrive.To have them gone off that camera.
Irrational. Crazy. Doesn't make sense... All Yes.
But its real.
Its another thing. Another reminder. Another milestone to crawl through. Makenzie is in heaven. Those videos are the best things I have now of her. They are what make me feel her the most. I watch them and I am there. I can feel her skin, smell her, drift into that. Her Mother.
Those videos remind me how amazing she is. There are videos of her before she went into the hospital and was struggling so much. I see how much strength she had. I think about what she must have been thinking and feeling. Working so hard just to breathe. Just to breathe.
She knew I needed her. She knew She couldn't let go yet. She knew she had more to do so she worked harder than anyone has ever worked to just be.
My worst days- I think of her and I make my mind shift... because I know if she got through that I can get through this. Its now my turn.
I know she needs me here, I know I cant let go, I have more to do and ill now work harder than anyone to just be.
These videos.... ahhh.... it hurts.... That camera... it will be gone soon... but ill never lose her.
That camera is not life. Its a thing. Its disposable. I am grateful I had it but I will not let that define my life. I will not let the camera that once held her videos become more precious than the world that's in front of me.
My faith is learning because of this. The selling of a camera. Silly-Doesn't make sense- Yes.
But sometimes those are the very best things that help you learn the most.
Another memory. Another day. Another thing.
I will not let go.
I will learn to live through all of this because I am lucky enough to have her teaching me what life is really about.

Freeeee

Woo...
Just took my last final!
Not sure how I did on any of them. Very worried. But for now, I'M DONE!!
So ill celebrate by finishing our painting project.
I need to relax and enjoy this no homework time because I only have a short 2 weeks before summer semester begins.
However this week is still going to be a bit busy.
Painting. Packing. Fixing the truck (again). New windshield for my car. Get ready for the MRW planning lunch this weekend. Cleannnn. and get everything in order for our big YARD SALE!
Remember if you are in the area, stop by!

Saturday May 7th
7:00 am - 10:30 am
900 South Lloyd Road
Fruit Heights Utah 84037

You will see all our balloons and posters!
We have tons of stuff
furniture, home decor, clothes, DVD's, hunting stuff, outdoor items, baby stuff... etc...
seriously we have alot of stuff.
Please stop by if you can.
Ill let you all know at some point what the money is going toward, but not now... :)

Hey did you see the new little badge on the side of my page? At the top! Just click it... Doesn't matter who you are, just click it! It would be fun to be a top mommy blogger. You don't have to do anything but click that button. easy-peasy.
AND if you want to win that awesome sanitizer pack (I know not the best prize but who cant use a little sterile-ness in their life) you better get your commenting on. Remember you don't have to have a blog of your own to leave a comment. Get over THERE and share some wisdom!

This is what ill be thinking of today...

Our Weekend

1. Painting... Trying to get a few more details extra perfect so our house might sell SOON

2. Soaking up a few sun rays... Aww... Spring please come.

3. A night in for the girls & a night out for the boys results in my windshield being broken. Thanks Ryan.

4. Sunday Din Din with the fam. Ryan Loves his Mama

5, 6 and 7. Remember finals are next week. I have been doing that. Non-Stop.

This weekend has been busy yet so laid back. We have been doing stuff - yet doing nothing. 

hmm. I want to run away to the beach. I'm trying to tell Ryan that if I was able to study on the beach I would get much better grades which would help me graduate top in the school which would get me a super amazing job with Oprah or something which would allow me to make mega $$ which would then pay for Ryans ranch stalked with horses. 

See its the perfect plan. Lets move!

I am missing my love. My mini. My muffin. My midget.

I am watching her movies when my brain gets overloaded and I need a little break. I cant believe how much I am forgetting. I always said I would never let myself forget this or that and now here I am- Forgetting it. Reminds me to never say I would do "this" or "that" if I was in someone elses shoes.

I miss those details. The details I have forgotten. The details I never thought I needed to pay attention to. How did I let that happen? How did I let those moments slip away? 

I have learned so much this past year. These past 2 years. I have learned what an amazing gift that life is. I have learned what love is. I have learned what commitment is. I have learned what determination is.

I have to keep moving. I have to keep breathing. How many times a day do I just wish I could stop breathing and this could all just end? Sometimes I think others feel it should just be done. She will never be forgotten but I cant live the rest of my life pretending she is still here. I just cant do that. I don't even need to close my eyes without having constant flashes of her. Her moving. Those legs. This same image. Over and over and over. Her legs. In the hospital bed. When they started moving less and less. The little movement they had, Its always playing in my head. How can I not think of her ever second still. How can I not always always ache for her? How can you expect me to be okay now? 

I am focusing on school. For tonight. To get through these tests. Physics tomorrow. 

I hate to say it but I have to push Makenzie out nights like tonight. If I think of her I'm done. There is no focus. I want her. I want all of her. I get angry or sad or low or heavy... I just want her. I want that family. Ryan and I started our family over 2 and a half years ago. Today its just us. No one to take care of. No one to care for. We need to share this life. We want to share this life. We hate knowing when or if it will ever happen. It should be simple right? I mean we did it once, We should be able to do it again. Wrong. Its not that simple. I wonder what the plan is. Not our plan but the plan God has. Its obviously different than ours. Than all of our dreams. From the beginning. He is in control. I know he is. I hate being out of control. I need to build that trust. Trust in his plan.

I believe, but it doesn't make it easy. 

Its just a moment. A moment that will pass. A moment that I will get through. I am not wasting my life away on the pain. I will never do the good I want if I do that. But this is part of the journey. To embrace even the lowest of lows. To know this is real and this isn't going away. She is part of this process. Even though she isn't here. Its because of her. 

Ill keep breathing.