Thursday, June 7, 2012


I'm in the process of getting some of my pictures organized and trying to find some space in my house to put pictures of baby T when he arrives. All of our shelves and walls are covered with our muffin which is fine but our boy does deserve a pic or two displayed somewhere. So the picture redo is in progress. I knew I couldn't just take her pictures out and put his in. I needed to redo it all. That way I could make sure it was equal without feeling like I was taking her pictures down. I found some really fun ideas on pinterest (where else) and cant wait till its finished. The best part is I have everything I need already and don't need to buy a single thing. and I have about a billion pictures already printed that are sitting in a drawer so that helps on the printing costs. Ill take some before and after pics. I'm doing this faux canvas style collage on the wall in our living room. I hope it turns out good.

well while I was searching through photos I came across these little gems.
Oh how I miss that girl.
She was so funny about her fingers and hands.
All she wanted was to put her whole fist into her mouth and she would be happy.
It just wasn't fair they were usually covered with needles and iv's so it was not possible.
This is bath time and her expressions when I would take her hand away from her face.
-- ryan is bathing her here and notice the death stare she is giving me out of the corner of her eye but goes right back to getting those fingers in her mouth and looking at her dad within seconds --

She is such a love.
I cant believe how much I miss her sometimes.
I feel like there is no way I can possibly take another breath.
There are moments, like when I see these pictures, I will become numb. My fingers tingle and when I close my eyes I can actually feel her. I can feel her fingers. Her arms. I can feel that water. I can feel the wash cloth in my hands and I can smell everything about that moment.
Its just impossible to imagine feeling this for the rest of my life.
I just cant grasp the fact that there will never be any closure to this feeling. There is never going to be a day that ill be all better. There will forever be this empty sick pain. This intense missing that completely stops me dead in my tracks.
As much as this hurts. As much as I just wish it would ease up.
I know the only way that would be possible is to forget her.
and that is something that will never happen. and something I never want to happen.
I need to feel that hurt.
I need to miss.
I need to have this empty place in my soul.
Its the reality of her.
Its the reminder of the life I did have with her.


Kerri said...

I can't get over how absolutely adorable she is. The death stare pictures and then going back to being happy made me laugh. She is just beautiful. I can't imagine the hurt you feel everyday. I think about you often and I'm so excited for you to have a baby in your arms again. You are an amazing mom!

Auntie EM said...

So sweet. I was there for one of her baths and I will never forget the sweetness, those eyes that spoke since she couldn't, and the last time I saw her before the end.....beautiful, peaceful, in white, a glimpse of heaven right before our eyes. I have only a small inkling of how it must be. I know that empty place in my heart missing the love of my life. Be strong Kendra. Your little miss is still herself and she is close by watching over her good parents who will love her forever to the moon and back. Love Auntie M

Anonymous said...

I love Makenzie's little red nails! So sweet.

Ashley said...

She looks so sweet in those pics. They definitely show her personality. I know I've never met her, but I honestly love her.

Good call on taking them all down. I redid all my walls too. When we took Ledge swimming last week, it was perfect family moment, except we were missing someone. I too became overwhelmed that its going to be like this for the rest of our lives...

Love, ya girl.

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you and I can't even imagine what you have gone through. I did lose my mom when I was 22 and it took me a long time to realize that allowing the hurt to take over my life didn't mean I loved her more. I hope one day the hurt and the sting isn't so bad and it is more celebrating the joy of her life. I can't wait to see your photo project, what a great idea!

Marion said...

Too much pretty for one post! She says it all with those eyes.

Tracie said...

So, so precious. You are very brave.

AJ and Cindy said...

what a beautiful baby! that is so cute about her putting her fingers in her mouth, Phoebe does that all time :) I love how much you love your sweet Makenzie, you are the best momma

AJ and Cindy said...

what a beautiful baby! that is so cute about her putting her fingers in her mouth, Phoebe does that all time :) I love how much you love your sweet Makenzie, you are the best momma

Robin said...

She is so beautiful precious! I am praying for you. Stay strong and take comfort in the fact that you will hold sweet Makenzie again. She is in good hands until that day! ((hugs))


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