Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I need to get ready

Things have been rather chaotic around our area.

There are lots of new opportunities, lots of new adventures, lots of stuff happening.
Something’s are exciting. Something’s are just life. Something’s are terrifying.
I feel like things are always crazy in our home and I honestly would love to slow down a little and just have things be boring. Routine. I should be thankful that life is keeping me on my toes but I guess its one of those things that when you have it you don’t really want it and when you don’t have it you do want it.
I am thanking God everyday for our life though and for the things we have to look forward to.
Getting closer to this little boy coming is both exciting and very scary.
I keep telling myself things will be good and fall into place the moment he arrives. and when I say things-- I mean the emotional things. The whole part about us being parents again is keeping me up at night.

Its been hard when people ask if this is my first or second. I always respond with our second. We have a girl and now having a boy. They get so excited for us and start asking question after question about if our girl is excited and ready and that we must be pro's at the whole parenting thing now and that #2 isn’t that bad. There is some advice given but mainly people just assuming we are already in the routine of family life and this will be a piece of cake. Working at a baby store I have only told people my baby isn’t still alive to maybe 2 people.
I have gotten pretty good at knowing how to answer questions when people ask about my kid/s. I have been able to come up with some good answers to a fictitious life that I only dream about.
I’m sure many of us at some point in our lives have looked at another and kind of envied what they have.
I have found myself guilty of that more in the past couple years than ever. I am doing better at just being thankful for what I have and being grateful for the unique life we live but it can be hard. It can make for frustrating days when everything seems to be going wrong and everything’s going right with someone else. Which we all know is not accurate. We all are living with different issues and no one has it perfect.
but we like to imagine someone does right.

Anyway... back to what I was talking about... We only have 1 trimester left until this little boy will be in our house. Such a short amount of time until life will change. Such a short amount of time to get ready for him. Such a short amount of time to prepare for my heart to grow. I have been missing Makenzie so much. Missing that short life we had with her. I pray we get much more time with baby T. I pray we don’t ever have to say goodbye to him. I pray I never have to know what its like to hold my child’s lifeless body again.
I am so anxious for our family to begin as a family of 4. I am so anxious to have a son.
I want to be a Mom.

I know life is always changing and for us it might never slow down. We might always feel like things are making a complete 180 change every week but I know that no matter what I have everything I need. I am thankful for a healthy pregnancy. I am thankful God is allowing me to carry this baby and that he is giving me a chance to be a parent again.

I might be having issues with depression and this weird separation anxiety from Ryan and all the other little complaints about pregnancy but I am honestly so thankful for my life. I am so thankful for the time I had with Makenzie. I wish more than anything she was here. I wish I could have held onto her for a while longer but I am now finding myself just thanking God for taking care of her. For keeping her smiling and for helping her understand how much her mom and dad miss her. I am thankful for this little life we get to welcome into our home. I am scared about being a Mom again. I am scared about his little life and I am scared about all the regular responsibilities that come with kids but I can’t be more thankful for getting this new start.

When it comes to preparing for him. I am letting things fall through the cracks. I want to get stuff done. I want to get his room all ready and set up. I need to get a pediatrician picked out. I want to read up on all those books that are going to help me get him on the same routine we did with Makenzie. but I have no will to do it. I have every intention to. I have gone to the hardware store I have to say a dozen times and have yet to make purchases. I carry that book around with me but have yet to open it up. I have a list of numbers to call to interview pediatricians but have never made the call. When I think about what we will do when he gets here I honestly freak. I have no clue. I feel like we are doing this for the first time. Except without the over eager excitement. I am so excited to have him in my arms but I am terrified of everything else. I haven’t quite figured it all out and why I am putting everything off. I find other things to keep myself busy and just don’t do those things that honestly stress me out having undone. I feel like i'm always stressed because I can’t stop thinking about what needs to be done but then I stress even more when I start to do it. What the hell is happening?! I think about where I was with Makenzie at this time. What we had done and what I have done now. hmmm... totally different. We painted his room and I did get his dresser painted BUT no hardware put on it. and that’s it. There are still piles in his room, no decor, no newborn diapers, no thermometers, no diaper bag packed, no wipes... We do have a pair of cowboy boots so we are ready in that aspect! I guess we have the necessities in Ryan’s mind :)
I know we still have time. We have over 2 months. but what scares me more than not having things done is just how undesirable everything is to me. I don’t want to be in a slump when he comes. I don’t want to be sad. so that is what I am trying my hardest to figure out and change.
I remember with Makenzie having those baby blues before she came. I kept reading online that sometimes the post pardon stuff actually can start before the baby even gets here. I was so worried about how I would be once she arrived and other than 1 breakdown I was pretty good after she came. We stayed busy together, we were happy and I had a great support system. I am kind of hoping this is just the same type of thing. That when he gets here things can just simmer down a bit emotionally. That I can just take every minute with him and enjoy it. That I can soak it all in. That I wont be wishing time would speed up.
Every minute he gives me of his life will be a blessing and I just hope I can live up to being the mom he deserves.


Auntie EM said...

I'm not sure what kind of advice an old grandma like me can give you but all I know is that when we got the call to pick up Trent, we had about 16hours to get our act together. We had a crib but it was full of all our camping stuff. We had a few things but no diapers, bottles, wipes, diaper bag, formula, etc. All we had was our love and that helped us go forward at a time when we had no clue. I still remember sending Grandma Dorothy to the store for binkies while Grandpa Joe was holding our new baby and unwrapping him to see his feet and legs. He was holding him like he'd never seen a baby before, all amazed with Trent's dark hair and his perfect little face!! You will be just fine. Things will fall into place and you will do what you need to for T. He won't care if his dresser isn't finished or what color the paint is on the wall or whether you threw stuff together at the last minute. All he will know is that you and Ryan love him (and the rest of us too) so very much and you will be there to hold him, kiss his head, cheeks, hands, feet and he will finally get to really hear your voice. In that perfect moment when he is born, he will know you when he looks into your face. That bond will be forever. You know---he has been dreaming of you for a long time too, waiting patiently to get to know you. You will be everything and more than he could possibly want in a mother. You have so much wisdom and strength and you will be the perfect mom for T, just as you were the perfect mom for Kenzie. Take it one day, one minute, at a time. I don't want to mimimize your worries or frustrations but I think you will do just fine and everything will be ok. Love, Auntie M

MByram said...

I have followed your blog for a while and have never commented. Bless your heart! You have been through the hardest thing possible as a mom. It's ok you feel like this and I admire you so much and your determination to go on. Your baby boy is so lucky to have you and I hope you feel the peace and comfort his little spirit brings. Hang in there. :)

Maine Baby Treats said...

Get on these things girl! You may think you have 2 months BUT he could make an early appearance. Just pick one afternoon and sit down and charge through your to do list. You will feel so much better!

Anonymous said...

Kendra, I know that things will fall into place for you in preparing for baby T. Try and take one thing a day. Maybe start one day with organizing his clothes (whether you have the hardware on his dresser or not). Another day maybe get some newborn diapers and put them away. Then another day maybe start getting some of the decor items out up. I would start with the simplest tasks first, so you can get them done and finished. Maybe have Ryan help you with the harder things such as decor, that way you two can do it together?
Good luck! I am procrastinating getting things ready for my next baby. She will be here in just 6 weeks and I still need to find a dresser---an affordable one from Craigslist--so I can wash her clothes and put them away. I wish I could come to Utah and help you!

Kellie Staats said...

Kendra..I did some of this to. I was so scared for Jackson to be here. But, seriously once he was here it was all gone. I do feel like I was always worried about him and I still am. I have bad anxiety to leave him just in another room. Poor guy he will be with me till he's like 30. lol. But what I'm trying to say is I understand. All that you are feeling is normal. I went through it too. I kept thinking to myself should I even buy things because I just had this mind set he wasnt going to be here to use them just like Maddie. Thats all I have ever known.
I am thinking about you. I am here for you if you need me!

Alana said...

Seriously, seriously you ARE and will be the best mom ever, don't stress about reading the books, it will come and you will know what to do, I know this because you are already the best aunt ever...except maybe when it comes to objects like seran wrap (haha, I can't wait to get back at you with all the silly things I can do with baby T :)) Seriously though, I know it is easy for me to say but you will be just fine and what else are a million brothers and sisters good for than giving you advice? I love you and Ryan so much and you are stress, just try to relax and take care of yourself (btw my jetted tub is available anytime your back needs it). Love ya ~A

Tiffany Kay Designs said...

Thank you Kendra, you hit the nail on the head with this one. I found your blog through Ashley Sullenger's. Watching you progress through everything you've been through gives me hope. My husband and I have been married for almost seven years, but to this point have not been able to have children. We had a miscarriage about 4 years ago, but that was it. All we ever experienced, and I didn't even know I was pregnant. I understand the longing. There's sort of a ghost feeling that you get when you see other people with their kids. For me I get an aching in my arms. A literal aching. I so appreciate the gratitude you feel and express. Sometimes it hard for each of us to remember that. I know I do constantly. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for this post.

CTownsley said...

Hang in there, Kendra.... One day at a time :)

Jessica said...

You will be the mom he deserves! All those things you are feeling are totally normal. Especially for a mom who has lost a child. I think every pregnant mom feels the way you describe and if you think its serious enough to warrant help, talk to your ob/gyn. Also, don't worry so much about everything being ready. I didn't do much of anything until the last month of my pregnancy with our daughter. OUr oldest has SMA and although we knew our second was healthy, I still had major anxiety and stressful moments until she arrived. That last month, my nesting urges must have kicked in and I got her room put together, but it didn't really matter since she spent the next two months with us in our room anyway. When she was born I finally felt some relief, although I did look for signs of SMA even though I knew she was perfectly healthy. It wasn't until she started crawling and eventually walking that I let go of all those crippling thoughts that something would happen to her too. I love you blog and read frequently. You are already doing a wonderful job being a mommy to your baby boy. I wish you well in your third trimester. Try to relax, do some things for you, and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. You seem to have a wonderful family and I am sure they would jump at the chance to help you put his room together and such. Hugs to you!


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