Wednesday, June 20, 2012

a bit off

I have no idea if its the pregnancy. If its depression. or what is going on but somewhere along the lines I have developed this overwhelming anxiety to be away from Ryan. and that's even being away for a normal days work. I start to breathe heavy, I cant sleep, I seriously have a daily panic attack thinking we will be apart for 10-13 hours. Its crippling because once he leaves I go into this super heavy, cant really move around, kind of state. It takes a good amount of time for me to get going. If I am working I am usually late because I honestly cant get going. If I don't work It takes hours for me to just get ready and get the house picked up. I have tried to get in a morning routine in. Work out, get ready, a good breakfast, get going for the day.. etc... but no matter what I do it seems like I am moving at a snails speed and the clock is just racing. I cant think of anything but when will Ryan and I be home. I have been obsessed with trying to figure out what I would do if something happened to him. What would happen to the baby. I have had horrible thoughts and I get so upset with myself. I usually end up crying hysterically several times a day because I hate feeling like this. I hate having these thoughts and I just want them to go away.
Ryan tries his best to understand but seriously who can understand a crazy person.
I know many of my thoughts and emotions are totally unnecessary and unrealistic.
I try to talk myself down and I try to get a better hold on whats really going.
and I don't know.
I feel like a child.
I feel like I am a crazy girl who has a weird obsession with a guy.
I am a bit embarrassed.
When I am with Ryan I honestly have to be right there.
Like, not giving him an inch of space. and if you know Ryan you know this annoys him. He is not a cuddler and needs his space. He has been very patient with me and wanting to help but I know this is out of control.
What am I scared of?
I am scared something will happen to Ryan.
I am absolutely terrified that something will happen and I wont have him anymore.
I keep thinking, I need to get pictures of him doing this or that. I need to record the sound of his voice. I need to remember what he smells like, what he feels like. I am acting like I was just told he only has a week to live. This has slowly been getting worse and worse over the last few months.

I don't know why this is coming on now. I don't know what has changed.
A few weeks ago we signed up for life insurance. (yes big step in the world of adulthood)
The whole process has seriously made these fears sky rocket.
I remember in November of 2009. Makenzie was having issues but it was something we thought she was going to grow out of. I was signing up for my benefits at work for the next year. My job at the time offered life insurance for you, your spouse and your child. I remember looking at that page and thought how unnecessary it was. Obviously I didn't get it, how important it is to protect both my child and my spouse in case something happens but at that time... nothing like that would ever happen. I remember clicking NO for Makenzie. Thinking that would be a waste of money.
How was it that just a month later she was gone?
Lately I am just fearing that something will happen. To Ryan or to this baby.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I have been really sick and couldn't breathe so I had to sit up and catch my breath. I looked over at Ryan and fell apart. I just kept praying over and over for God to please never take him away from me. That I cant imagine a day without him in my life and I just couldn't continue without him by my side. I watched his back go up and down as he was breathing and just kept saying how I needed to remember this. That I cant forget what he felt like. I worked myself up into such a tizzy that I couldn't control my silent tears anymore and shoved my face into my pillow and just begged God and Makenzie to not ever make me live in this world without Ryan. I hate that I had to let Makenzie go and that I just cant have him leave me too. I fell asleep again sometime after that and woke up just feeling so off. I hate this feeling. I hate fearing that the most important people in my life are going to die. I can only imagine how I will feel when T is born. and it scares me to love him that much. It scares me to hold him and to kiss him and to fall completely head over heels for him. and I know I will. There is no way I can stop that. What happens when you see your child for the first time really is out of this world and I know once I lay eyes on him there is no turning back and that scares the shit out of me.

I know we all have fears and even before losing Makenzie I always had the fear of something happening to her or Ryan but it was always just that, a fear. Something I would worry about but something that most likely would never happen. I know this fear wont go away completely but I need to be able to function in life... good heavens... Its really not okay to be this upset because we have to go to work.
Its always so frustrating when you can logically see how you are being silly but you still feel it.


Amy said...

When you have been through something as traumatic as you have, and then you add the scariest thing in the world, risking doing it again, coupled with hormones, well only a complete idiot would think your reaction was unusual. I've had 5 miscarriages and when I first met my MFM with the twins he told me I was at a very high risk for losing them and I quote "would probably lose one or both babies". I was 14 weeks along and I spent the next 21 weeks in absolute fear that at every appointment they would tell me one or both had died. Now that I have them here and know all was ok I wish I would have been able to enjoy my pregnancy more. I hope that once he is here and once you get to see he is healthy and perfect you can find some peace as well.

Pogue Mahone said...

It sounds like you might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD). It makes fears turn into an obsessive state of anxiety and your sense of safety and security is shattered. I have gone thru this many times following several traumas.For me anyway the only thing that lessened it was time. For me it took on average 9-12 months each time to lessen but to this day I still have my moments where it flares up again and it's been years.When you have suffered a traumatic experience you are terrified of a repeat.I completely can relate to this.

katie said...

you dont know me at all but i suffer with the same kind of fears...mostly fear of the unknown! I know I cant control my life and I have to trust God but it is so hard. I have no idea where it comes from. I am married and have a daughter and I too feel like a crazy woman with all my anxiety. I just want to embrace life and not be consumed with so much worry. My point in all of this is to tell you that I will be praying for you! You have a legitimate reason to feel this way. I dont...other than not feeling good and not being able to get answers! Take care! You are so strong and I admire you SO MUCH! You will find peace! God Bless!

Jill said...

A few months ago, my husband started working a couple nights a week in addition to his already long day job. I was a wreck. I cried a lot, especially when he was leaving after just being home for an hour or so. When he was gone, I would tell myself that I would keep busy so that I wouldn't notice missing him so much. It never worked. I would sit on the couch, feeling paralyzed, and blog-surf for hours, unable to sleep until it was very late and I crashed. When he had an evening off, I would always want to be right by him. In my mind I knew all the reasons why I was being ridiculous, but I couldn't get over it.

I am not pregnant and I have not lost a child, and I still have some of the same feelings as you. We NEED our husbands!

Larkspur said...

This post made me cry a little bit. Because I know exactly what you are saying. I didn't lose a child, but my fiance was murdered 10 years ago. Now I have those same overwhelming, somewhat irrational (but at the same time very rational because I HAVE been through it and it is REAL) fears and I cry and beg and pray too, for the person I am with now. I also have a hard time getting close at the same time that I have a hard time with loss becuase I am so afraid of the loss! It is a HORRIBLE type of limbo to live in and even when you KNOW what it is and where it stems from, there is NOTHING you can do about it.

You can't be therapy-ed out of it either because there is NOBODY that can stop or control that our lives here end. There is no one that can tell you when or why or how. So you have to figure out how to live with it, for the REST of your life. It SUCKS. Sometimes you have periods where you are fine. But then there are times when you can't cope.

What can you do?? But pray and lean more on God and have Faith that this is only a passing step in our eternal lives together?

I really hate to sound morbid. I just want you to know I totally totally relate to the fear, the helplessness, the anxiety and the awareness that it is "silly" but rational at the same time.

I don't have advice or answers. I never will. But you're not alone.


Jessica said...

I have never lost a child--I've never even been pregnant. But I have had these exact same feelings about my fiance, down to the thoughts about needing to get pictures or record him, and those moments of seeing him do the simplest thing (you mentioned watching your husband breathe--I remember watching my fiance turn down the stereo in the car and I freaked out thinking I needed to remember that). You're definitely not alone; I thought I was insane too. And I had this happen without the things you've gone through, and given the fact that you are pregnant and you did lose a child, you should cut yourself some slack! And at the same time try to relax . . . so much easier said than done, I know. But remember that even with the pain you have a beautiful life, and a beautiful husband, and a beautiful little boy on the way, and a beautiful angel watching over you.

Missy F said...

Kendra you do not sound crazy at all, you have been put thru the ringer..I am by no means a mental health professional, (and I'm not being a mean-y either, I know you have gotten awful comments in the past) but after years of fertility treatments & a very traumatic birth of my son I was dealing with a lot of the anxiety symptoms you describe..turns out I had post partum ptsd- it's so hard b/c it will come & go and then memories come flooding back & the anxiety was crippling..I guess what I'm saying is that maybe it would be worth looking into, if it could possibly be helpful for dealing with some of the stress/anxiety ; ) You soooo deserve to enjoy this, I hope you find some peace & relief. *hugs*

Emmi Morrison said...

Hi Kendra! I love reading your blog! So inspirational and REAL.
What you are experiencing is completely normal (or so I tell myself). I deal with the same stuff. I had severe PPD after my son and ever since then, I HATE being alone. I live for the hour that Matt comes home! He leaves next Monday for a job 3 hrs away and will only be home 1 day a week. Yep, I may be shecking into a nut house! LOL You arent alone in your feelings! =) Hang in there!

Auntie EM said...

I remember thinking some of those same everyone I love going to go away? My sweet mother, my Arvel, my Richard, our beautiful Makenzie.....all in 14 months. How did that happen? And, I'm still here and lived through it. It was so hard. For quite a long time, I was so so worried about Trent. He was still single and doing the late night thing. He stopped living at my home 4 months after Rich passed away so I worried worried worried. I had all these thoughts of "what will I do if I lose him too?" and then he gets married and they have their cute Braxton. Now I worry about the 3 of them. But really, it is needless worry. I know that things happen for a reason and most things are not in my control and that's good because I wouldn't want to have to control all that stuff. God will do what He thinks is best for each of us individually and what happened to Rich was between Rich and God. I was just a sideline player wishing it could have been different. But I find it comforting that even though I lost those 3 from my life, I had 3 come into my life - Trent, Braxton and Cortney. Of course, they don't replace my parents or Rich but they have brought me such joy. I really finally feel happy most of the time and I feel a sense of contentment that I haven't felt for a long time. So I will continue to pray for you that you will get there too - get where you feel safe, contented, happy, peaceful, and so in love with your son that it overrides all the fears and worries about T and Ryan. Becky is right - Ryan is such a good man and he will always be by your side and will always love you and your children. Don't think you are silly. I've done some of the most ridiculous things in the name of fear but I'm doing much better and hoping for a bright future for me and for everyone I love, which includes you, Ryan, Kenzie and T. I love you so much and hope and pray you find that good place very soon and that your fears, worries, and heartaches will subside a little. Take care and know that many of us love and care about you and your little family.
Love you, Auntie M

brigette said...

I cant say that I blame you! You have been through lots of pain and stuff that shouldnt happen to people. I totally get this! Loosing another person who means so much to you is unimaginable. I will pray for comfort to head your way. You are doing an amazing job and I bet with time this scariness with ease as well. Big hugs girl!!

Jake and Courtney said...

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis last year, had surgery and went through the grieving process when I was told I probably wouldn't be able to have babies. I suddenly felt the same way you do.

I was overly attached to my husband to the point where I would have the worst anxiety when we were apart. I felt like he was going to leave me at any moment. I hated it, especially because I'm pretty independant. This went on for a good 6 months and I was constantly picking fights just to have is reassurance. It was awful.

I went to a counselor who explained things in a better way. Once something is lost, we tend to hold on to whats here with us a little tighter. So in my case, I was told I might not be able to have babies and therefore I was clinging to my husband whom was feeling my grief and his own. I felt like I wasn't woman enough to even be a wife anymore.

After that, I made it a point to leave the house to the store alone or have a girl's night a little more often than once a month and FORCE myself to go out without my hubby. It got so much better and the feeling soon passed. Have patience with yourself. When you feel that awful try reading a book or a magazine to change your mind frame. I can't imagine your loss.

When those horrible feelings come on, just distract yourself. Easier said than done right? Sometimes it's pretty tough but I really believe that once I started changing my frame of mind, things got back to normal. Hang in there!!! Everything will be just fine. Positive thoughts your way! Oh PS-Pinetrest is a great distraction-especially late at night ha ha

glenda said...

Thinking if you. I think anytime you lose a child or someone very close to you (in my case: my mother, father, 2 brothers, grandma and a niece) you always fear the worse.

Best to you and your Lil boy !!!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you talked to your doctor about any of this? It really might help.....I am praying for you!

Shannon said...

OMG Kendra. I had the EXACT same feelings when I struggled with postpartum depression. The separation anxiety is crippling! My boy is now 2 years old and i'vefully recovered from the PPD but reading this brought tears to my eyes remembering what I went through and knowing that you are now struggling with it. No matter how much you will yourself out of it or tell yourself locially it doesn't make sense - that does NOT matter. There is no way of talking yourself out of feeling that way. Seeing a counsellor helped me a lot. I don't know if you're seeing one, but if you're not I would highly recommend it. I wasn't working at the time because i was on mat leave. I CANNOT imagine dealing with those depression/separation anxiety feelings while having to go to work. I don't think i would have been able to do it. I would have gotten myself fired, which would have made it even worse. Anyway, Good luck! And know that you're not alone! If you ever want to message me, my email address is I am just so amazed that I have found someone else who knows exactly how that weird separation anxiety feels. The reason that we don't have a second child right now is because I'm TERRIFIED of having PPD again. You are strong and you will overcome this. It will just take time, as all things do.


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