Tuesday, January 18, 2011

18 months

18 months.
she is 18 months.
funny how life is still moving. in case you didn't notice. i have finally caved and submitted to the reality.
there is no stopping. so very much missing her. funny how the pain never eases. the only thing that changes is the periods of relief. those breaks seem to come more often. thank GOD.
but the empty is never gone. she is never out of my mind. the fact of life is always here.
no matter what comes up in life, no matter where i go or what i see. i think of her with everything.
after the year mark i have really felt like the "sensitive" first year is really really gone.
i have gone through every holiday, everyday, every minute for a year so things shouldn't be that bad this time around right?!
i should be able to think about the future. stop the poor me. get over the bad---days, weeks, months.
its hard to explain what im trying to say. maybe those who have been through grief know without me really explaining.  i guess i felt like i always had this protective shell around me. almost like i was put in a bubble. even if i was the only one who put this bubble around me, i felt like it was always there to shield me from the everyday living. weird. sounds funny seeing it written out like that.
but that protective shell doesn't last forever. like i already said- life has continued- the bubble is gone.

my grandma hasn't been doing very good.  she is seriously such an amazing person. what she has lived through, what she has endured and who is is now is simply amazing.  i feel honored to be apart of her legacy.  she is the sweetest, funniest lady i have ever known. i look up to her in so many ways but especially for the wife and mother she is. i cant help but think how close she is to being home. to being with her husband her son her grand kids.  what a reunion that would be. i know she will take good care of makenzie. i hope she showers her with kisses and tells her how much i miss her.
they will be a good team soon.

so she is 18 months. what a monster she would have been. almost 2. i miss the quite. i would give anything for the messes. i dream of her attitude. i can only imagine the trouble. oh how i would give anything for that. but. ill have to wait. my grandma has waited a very long time to raise her baby boy. i can only imagine the pure joy she will feel when she is given him for the first time. 
happy 18 months makenzie rye.


Ashley Sullenger said...

Love ya girl!

Anonymous said...

Happy 18 months little sweet girl. Oh, Kendra. I can't know how you feel about missing her but I do know the heartache you must feel deep inside. I wish I could take it away but we know that our trials and our triumphs make us who we are. We still have our wonderful memories that can never be taken away and we have our own mission to fulfill. Kenzie is perfect, beautiful, happy, smiling down on you and is surrounded by amazing people who are watching over her, the most important ones are Heavenly Father and Jesus. They take good care of her. Hang in there and know that you are loved. Aunt M

The Hickman Family said...

You are such a strong woman to have endured all that you have! I truly admire your strength and your honesty. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and am constantly amazed at all you do to live your sweet little girls legacy! My son is almost 18 months and WOW he is one busy boy! You really help me to be a better mom and appreciate all of the little things... even the tempers and messes! Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have him! :) Ps... he LOVES to look at pictures of McKenzie. He will literally sit next to me and just smile and laugh as I look at your blog. As weird as it may sound, I think babies have a closer connection there!
Hang in there and good luck with your school!!!

Emma said...

Wow, 18 months....Happy 18 Months Kenzie!! I know she is loving being free, to breath, to play, to run. I can't imagine the missing but i am glad the sharp, stop you in your tracks pain is lessing/becoming less frequent. Thanks for sharing about your Grandma, she sounds like an incredible woman and I am so glad you have had her to lean on, to learn from and to love-I know she will hold Kenzie close to her when she does join her in Heaven. Hugs, Em

brigette said...

Happy 18 months Kenzie!! Kendra I totally understand what you are talking about... some people think and sometimes I even think it should all be "normal" again or whatever people call it the truth is... I dont think it ever will.. It is nice to get those breaks though when its not so hard and such a strong sting in the side. Much love to you and your sweet Grandma!!

Anonymous said...

Kendra: You are so sweet and so strong. I sm sure little Kenzie is doing well and proud to be your daughter. We have a picture of her in our living room. Her little (big) eyes say so much.
Thank you for the beautiful things you wrote about Mom. She is such a wonderful woman and seeing the picture of you with her is so special to me since I am far away from her. I am coming to Utah this week to spend a few days with her. Hopefully someway I will be able to see you also.
All my love to you and Ryan

Aunt Joyce


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