Thursday, November 4, 2010

November 4th 2009

THIS was today last year.

I think she is pretty amazing. Those PJ's she is wearing- they are my most favorite ones. I made her wear them as much as possible. They had cupcakes all over them. They fit her perfectly. We didnt have many clothes that fit her good. She was long and very skinny (incert baby leggings). These were from gymboree and I bought as many as I could in this style. They were made for long skinny babies.
She looked so cute in them.
This night- we were watching the tele together. I was trying to feed her. It wasnt very successful. This girl wasnt eating much at the time. We now know its because she was using all her energy to breathe and didnt have any more strength to eat. It kills me to see this. To know the pain she was in.
I wish I could remember more from November 4th 2009. I wish I knew what we were doing, I wish I knew what I dressed her like that day. I wish I knew when we put her to bed, what story we read, if she got a bath in the morning or at night. I know it was a hard day because I was calling her pediatricain on a daily basis by this time asking what was going on. On November 4th 2009 I was planning on taking Makenzie to her doctors the next day. She wasnt getting any better.


Anonymous said...

Such a big girl - holding her bottle and trying so hard to get big. I can't begin to understand the heartache and missing that you and Ryan must feel every single day. My only words of wisdom today are to keep on going, keep remembering her, keep doing those wonderful things in her memory, and keep loving her. She is never too far away and knows of your love for her. I love and miss her too but I have faith and hope she is ok - well, maybe better than ok - she's perfect. I know for sure she still very much loves her mommy and daddy. Thoughts of you, Ryan, and your baby girl today and always. Love ya Auntie M

Emma said...

I think she is pretty incredible too, and cute to boot-lucky girl!! I know you wish you can remember every little thing all the time, but those little memories will come to you, when you need them, when you hear a song, when you smell something etc.. I can't imagine how hard it is not to be able to bring up the memories when you want to, but trust that the major ones are there and will come just when you need them most. Thinking of you all and sending my love to you and your sweet baby girl. Hugs,Em

bibc said...

she is just gorgeous and i think she looks just like you. i hope you can find some comfort in knowing that in the time you got to hold her you made her life wonderful.
thinking of you all tonight

Alerie said...

She is amazing!!!! AND so beautiful!! What a strong smart little girl holding her bottle at only 3.5 months.

Kendra I can begin to even imagine your pain and heartache thinking about this time last year. I'm so sorry. I know this is easier said then done (because I would be the same way I think), but don't beat yourself up over not being able to remember all the little details of her life. Just know that Makenzie was given the best detail in anyone's life. LOVE!! You and Ryan gave her all of your love and more!! She was one lucky girl to experience that level of love. I promise you there is no better thing you could have given her.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Much love!!

Andrea said...

She is beautiful. I'm sorry that she had to be in pain and that you have to look back and remember that. I hope that as you're trying to get through the next few weeks that you'll have good memories to think of.

I have a package of baby leggings to send to you! I'm going to send them early next week so they should get there in time for you to take them up. I can't wait to hear the total number that you end up donating. such a great project and way to honor kenzie.

summergibbs said...

I found your blog through Ashley Sullenger's and as I read through it I just bawled like crazy. My heart aches for you...I cannot imagine what life is like for you. I lost my mom when I was 11 and it was very tragic, but losing a child is something totally different. She is the cutest little thing and very lucky to have parents that love her so much!

The Ellis Family said...

Hey Kendra,

I am Cassidy's friend Hollie, I met you wednesday night. Your baby is adorable. You did a great job sharing your story and I was glad to have been able to come listen. I would also like to see if I could donate some leggings but need to know how to make them. Will you email me with the pattern or call Cassidy and she could give you my number? I love this project and would love my baby to wear them, now with a special meaning! Thanks so much!

Jessica and Reece said...

For some reason, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I just want you to know how grateful I am for your example, and what a fantastic mother you are. You, Ryan and Kenzie help me remember to look for the beauty in the everyday things. So thank you a million times over for sharing your angel baby's story with us. She has changed my life for the better :)


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