Monday, November 29, 2010

1 am

i don't want this time to keep moving. i just want to freeze time. i don't want another minute to come. i don't want another day, night, dream to come. i want to stop. stop everything from moving. how can everything keep going when i am not. my heart is not there. my mind cant comprehend whats happening. life has continued. this isn't real. its like the last year has been forgotten. it was put on fast forward and i just floated along for the ride. we experienced every holiday for the first time without you. every holiday. we experienced just about everyday without you. how did that happen. how did almost 365 days come and go and you were not in a single one. that feeling of getting stronger, that feeling of feeling like i can do this. that peace that started to come more often than not. i feel like its gone. its like i woke up and I'm not sure where i am. I'm just sitting here, looking around, running through the past months trying to understand what has really progressed. in the last year i went from having a family, a baby, a future, a happy home to planning a funeral, holding my child as she took her last breath, visiting a grave, sleeping at a grave, crying everyday, feeling a huge void in my heart that cant be even the least bit filled no matter what i do.
how did i walk out of that room, that hospital- get in the car, drive away and wake up the next morning with everything that just happened the night before. how did i do that. how did i wake up every other day. how have i made it through easter, mothers day, fathers day, july 18th, halloween and now thanksgiving?
oh my love i miss you. how has it felt like an eternity that i have felt you yet i sit here in disbelief that its almost been a year. a year. how have i not had you for a year. oh kenzie. how do i go on. how do i live the rest of my life. these moments are the moments i can only take one breath at a time. because. if i think about even 3 minutes from now, i want to just stop breathing. i cant. im just trying to hold on. will i be holding on for forever? do others understand? it hasn't been a year for me.
to the outside world there have been 12 months of sunrises, sunsets, family dinners, new accomplishments, new dreams, new additions...
for us, its still now. its still every second. there is no days, weeks, months or years that you can measure. there are no new things that have come and gone because we are still there. we are still so much in you. your not here. we cant hold you. we cant go home at the end of a hard day and just forget about everything. those things we want to forget is the fact that your not here but the only thing that will help is to be with you. bouncing back and forth, there is no way out. there is no where to run. its everywhere around us.

what would you look like now.
how long would your hair be. im sure you would be walking. would you be running to. how fast would you run. what toys would you like. what food would you enjoy. what would drive me crazy. what would melt my heart. what would we do. what would you say. what would our plans be. what would this last year have been like. who would you be like.

i think about you in everything i do. every choice i make. from what i want to be in life to what i get upset with (ie: milo) i am trying to be a good person. im trying to always do what is right. i want to live to make you proud makenzie. im trying. everyday. im trying to be more like you so i can be with you again. i just cant think of how long its going to take me. i have so much work to do.

i miss you. every inch of me. my whole body aches. i just want to hold you. see you. make sure you are okay. make sure you are happy.

you are mine. 
makenzie rye.
you are my daughter.

please come hold me tonight. i need you. please oh please, just let me see you in my dreams.
just for a second.


GINA. said...

I'm praying for you. Right now. And I'm also crying with you. Yup...that I can't breathe cry.
There is nothing I can say to make this pain go away for you. We, as those who haven't experienced your caliber of loss, probably don't understand fully what you live through each and every day. That said...these letters you write to us...well, they sure help give us an idea.
To sleep by her grave. *gasp* I couldn't imagine how difficult it is.
To imagine where and who she would be today. *Sigh*
You get me sobbing every time you write.
So, for now, all I can say is cuddle yourself into Ryan's arms. Cry. Pray.
Then live. In her honor. In whatever way you can. Because she is PROUDLY watching you from above. You are an AMAZING woman! And Mom! And an inspiration for us all.
I'll be praying for you as always. Really, if you ever just need someone to listen, reach out. I'm here. We all are.
Sending love, peace, and a billion hugs (as I'm sure Makenzie is as well)...

brigette said...

Oh Kendra.... I wish I would have called or texted you last night... I was up to mind wondering,missing thiking about the past and how I got to where I am... somedays it just doesnt seem real. I totally understand I know its been almost a year but that makes no difference to us the moms/dads of babies that have gone to soon.. no one will understand unless theyve been through it. You have to move at your own pace, dont let anyone tell you where you should be in your grief they have NO CLUE!! Im here for you if you need me!! Much love today and always!!

Devon said...

Sending prayers and hugs to you. This just rips my heart out. But thank you for your honesty, Kendra. You are amazing.

Shawna said...

Praying for you Kendra. I hope your morning is a little better than your night was and I hope that you felt Kenzie, even if only for a moment, through your tears last night. The love you share with her for each other is always with you both.

Emma said...

I hope last night was a 'better' night, that you felt some peace, you felt wrapped in love. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling. Try not to be discouraged, to feel like you don't have the strength when these tough days or nights come-to be honest, I am not surprised with you coming up to the year mark...let yourself know it is okay to have these feelings, these thoughts, that it is NO WAY means you aren't just miss your baby. I know she is there, in your dreams, by your side, even when you don't see her in them but I pray ou will feel her, feel her love, feel her strength guiding you through each of these rough days. Thinking of you and sending you love and hugs, Em

Alerie said...

Oh Kendra this rips my heart into a million pieces. I'm so sorry!! I know you were starting to feel a little better and some more peace, but it is ok to have these times of not breathing or thinking you can't go even one more second. This doesn't mean that you are moving backwards. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong time limit. I think you are so strong and so amazing!! I know right now you don't feel like you can go on, but I know you can do it. But let yourself have the time you need to grieve and miss your baby girl. We are all her for you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are able to feel her love surrounding you these next few days. Much love!!

Sara said...

Hi Kendra,
I don't think I have ever commented before, but I have been reading your blog since just after Kenzie went to Heaven. I think I found you from a commenter on Dakin's blog, I don't remember...
I was reading your post last night, and as the first commenter here said, each time I read, I just cry and cry and cry with you. Your words bring such clarity to your pain, and I almost feel like I knew Kenzie too. I hope that makes sense. Last night after I finished reading this post, I prayed to God to please let you dream of Kenzie, let you be able to see her again, and I hope you were...maybe if not last night, then tonight.
Another reason for my comment was to tell you about something that my friend does for her little boy, Eli, who is also up in Heaven. He had SMA Type 1, and left us in Jan. 2009. When they go out to the cemetery and release balloons for him they attach little slips of paper to the strings with a picture of him and a little bit of information about SMA, also with a link to the petition to cure SMA online. That way, any balloons that may fall to the ground, if by chance someone finds them, they will know about Eli. And about SMA. I just thought it was a neat idea.
You and Ryan are in my thoughts and prayers. I see "MRW" sometimes on the license plates of cars, or other random places, and anytime I do I always think of Kenzie. You guys are never far from my mind.

Alissa said...

I have no words to say different than those that have been posted...but I want you to know that I hear you...and I want so much to take away the pain you feel, I feel, we all feel. It's a pain so intense and so real. I completely relate to the feeling of living in the now. I have no idea what has happened in the last year, but I can remember everything about the days that I had my little girl. I do hope that I can feel like I'm living again someday, but the "living" will forever be different. ((hugs to you, hun))

Kristen said...

I hear you! I understand you! Wasn't it just yesterday that I held my beautiful baby? Wasn't it just moments ago that I heard her laugh? The nightmare sounds of the beeping bipap still haunt me. The pain is awful and we search for something to hold on to. Keep holding on. You are surrounded by love and so many of us are praying for you. ((((HUGS))))

The Holland Family said...

Kendra - I just read some of your blog and I am touched by your words. I too feel your ache. You put into words so well how I have felt at times. I lost my little Mia 7 years ago to SMA. I'm sure you know all of the same doctors she saw at PCMC. It is an awful disease. I'm sorry for anyone that has to endure it. You have a way with words. I love quotes so I hope you don't mind if I steal some of yours and add them to my blog. Feel free to steal any of mine.

I also belong to the angel blog. That is where I found you. My heart is with you today. Thank you for your inspiring and real words.

Nicole Holland - Mia's mom ^i^

val said...

I know exactly what you mean! I have the exact same thoughts and it has been only 6 weeks since my 12 year old son was killed in a freak accident. Some days I feel very strong and just want to honor him and some days I feel like I can only curl up in a ball and never stop crying. I can't handle Christmas songs right now. I have panic attacks and find myself going back in to that feeling of total shock at what has been lost. We are part of a group of people that no one else can ever understand how we deal with each day considering what we have gone through. I hope and pray that not one more person has to enter this group or "club" as I have heard it referred to. Just know that you are not alone in this walk and in the thoughts you are having. I find myself blogging about what I can't handle talking to people about right now. Just not sure if they could actually handle all of my raw emotions. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now and I have been praying for you and your family and I will continue to do so. You can visit my blog at It is titled Never Alone. If you want to listen to that song it is by Jim Brickman with Lady Antebellum.

Your sister in grief,


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