Friday, November 19, 2010

Drum Roll Please....

The moment you have all been waiting for,
Which I am sure has kept you up late at night,
And probably been on your mind non stop,
What will I be when I grow up!

HA. Okay so this was just a fun little make you smile thing. I know its not that big of deal what I'm going to be. I mean it is to Ryan and I, but I definitely don't expect it to be your tip top concern in life :)
At least I hope not.
I just wanted to get a little fun back into the day and it gives me an excuse to do a crafty project.

Like I said in my last post- growing up I wanted to run a daycare..
That ambition didn't last after I graduated and got into the real world needing real money.
I started school fall semester of 2007. I started out with 1 class a semester then graduated into 2 whole classes a semester! So 3 years later- I am still a long way off from just my ASSOCIATES!
I have hated school- I am not good at learning. I am hands on and learn if I'm in the middle of it.
I also hated school because I never knew what I wanted to get my degree in.
It never motivated me to do well. The only thing that motivated me not to fail was that I was paying for every second I was wasting away in that class room and I hate wasting my time. So if I passed I felt it was worth it.

When Kenzie got sick I turned into a mother doctor/nurse over night. I knew everything they were doing, I knew the lingo, I knew what each test did, I knew what was happening to every part of her body.
It was definitely the mother in me because within weeks being back home and without her, I have pretty much forgotten everything. If I see certain things in pictures ill remember a little but not like I could then.
I thought about being a nurse, being a doctor, being a scientist. Thinking I have a huge connection there and I would be able to help others. Then I looked into the schooling, the things you do, the different areas of the job and never really felt right. I kept thinking what it would be like to tell another mother their child was dieing. It made me sick. I couldn't even say those words.  The people in that profession are incredible. They have a special gift that not many have.  Every person that had to break some bad news to me did it in such a loving and supportive way.  I never felt they were rude, ignorant or that I was just another patient.  They cried with me, they hugged me, they mourned the loss of a beautiful little girl that they grew to love as well.
I might be able to do the empathy part- but I couldn't handle being on the other end of the news because I know what will come after- I know what those parents will feel in a week, a month, a year. They will never understand how much pain they will go through until they do- and I know they will. That is what made me know that isn't my calling. I want to help- I want to help all the time- not just on good days. I don't want to break bad news to a family.

So until a few months ago I had NO idea what my plan in life was. I would stress and stress, cry, wonder, pray. I couldn't understand why I had to stay here, live this life, without my baby. AND why did I have to lose my baby. It wasn't just a random act, she was special, she was chosen, she had a special purpose and I believe it was mainly to help me.
Oh that girl has changed me in so many ways its unreal. Every thought, every action, every emotion, everything is done completely different than it was a few years ago. Before she came into my life- I had no life. Not a productive life anyway. My daughter saved me. I owe her my life for that.

The hardest part of Kenzie being sick was watching her lose everything. I remember watching her the weekend before she went to PCMC and she was laying with Brady on the couch. Brady was huge, kicking his legs, throwing his arms, holding his head up. He was thriving. I looked at my tiny, limp baby and felt sick.  That night I prayed that she was okay. I didn't know why she wasn't kicking her legs, holding her head up, moving, babbling, growing.  The next few days was pure hell watching her lose the ability to breathe.  Then lose the ability to move after being tied down with tubes. Then losing the ability to eat- even with a feeding tube. Watching my daughters body fail was the worst torture I have ever and will ever have to face. Watching her life end. Watching her freedom be taken away.

I want to help.
I want to make a difference. So a few months ago I heard of a profession from a good friend. Her beautiful daughter saw one. It helped her. It gave her more freedom. 
Then it clicked. I didn't even know what this profession really was before I knew this was it.
I researched online, I went to an information class, I met with school counselors, I shadowed.
With everything I read, every class I went to, every form I filled out I couldn't deny the incredible urge to put my life into doing this.

I am going to school to become an Occupational Therapist.
Occupational therapists help patients improve their ability to perform tasks in living and working environments. They work with individuals who suffer from a mentally, physically, developmentally, or emotionally disabling condition. Occupational therapists use treatments to develop, recover, or maintain the daily living and work skills of their patients. The therapist helps clients not only to improve their basic motor functions and reasoning abilities, but also to compensate for permanent loss of function. The goal is to help clients have independent, productive, and satisfying lives.
AKA: Freedom.

The ability to improve ones life in the simplest way makes me want to jump up and down with excitement.
I did everything possible to give Makenzie as much freedom as possible. Trying different positions in the bed, hanging toys in certain ways, holding her hands when she needed help holding onto something, massaging her body to keep the blood flowing and decrease pain. I would have gone to the moon and back to give any little bit of her freedom back. If she could just eat, just breathe, just kick her legs-- anything. I would give up everything.

So dedicating my life it is. And my husband gets to come along for the ride.
Good thing he is sooo supportive and amazing and so excited for me to do this to.
First thing on the agenda---
Putting our house on the market. We want to move closer to school so we can cut down to only 1 vehicle. Which brings me to the next step, selling our prized possession. Ryans best friend. His Truck!
Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is, For him to offer to sell it so we can pay for school!
The shock of our decisions has sunk in and the scared, jittery feeling is gone. Now we just feel this is right. We are excited to embark on the next chapter of our lives and see where it takes us.  Ill be starting school full time this spring. EEEK!!! That's what makes me nervous.
Ryan will be going as well so hopefully we can cross paths every once in a while. 
We keep saying-- only 5ish years and then it will all be done.
And for Ryan being such a wonderful and loving husband--- I promised him his dream! The next house we purchase will have land so he can buy a horse!
(if you don't remember, he thinks he is a cowboy)

Unfortunately NO ONE guessed my future profession right!
But that's okay, I still put all of your names in a hat and drew it with a blind fold on. I promise I didn't cheat.
So the winner of custom magnet stand....

Thank You everyone for playing!


caitlin and brinton said...

Good for you Kendra! You will do amazing.

Annie said...

We love our occupational therapist! She has made such a difference in Conner's development and she has been a lifesaver!
You will be amazing. You know. You understand. And that makes the biggest difference.

Jeska said...

What a great career choice! I looked into that as well as physical therapy but never went and pursued it so good for you. Good luck, I'm sure you'll do great!

Shawna said...

What a great plan Kendra. Even better than the plan though is knowing this is what you want to do and feeling an emotional connection to. You will do great if for no other reason than your passion for this career. Of course, you have more reasons than that, which will make you even more wonderful in this position and enable more people to get help. And what an amazingly supportive husband -- you should definitely by grateful for him -- but you already are and know how wonderful he is.

Jackie Koll said...

What a fantastic choice! You will be so compassiante with both the children and the parents. So happy for you!

Emma said...

I am so excited for you! I know you will be incredible at anything you do but an OT, that will be so amazing. I worked at a school with kids with all different special needs, we worked with OT's, SLP's etc and I have to tell you, the work these therapists do is incredible. To see the difference it makes in these children's lives, their families lives, it is awesome!! What an amazing choice for you and I know it will bless you each day, just as you will bless all those who have the opportunity to work with you.

I am so thankful you have such a supportive husband, what a different that makes. I know all these changes will be good for so many reasons and I can feel the light coming back into you life. Kenzie has given so much to you already, but she has also given you the strength to make these choices, to see the path that is really for you!!

Good luck and i can't wait to hear all about this newest journey, love and hugs, Em

Tiff@ny said...

I am so excited for you Kendra!!! I truly think you will be so amazing in this profession!!! You have so much to give back and it makes me smile when you talk about how excited this makes you. I know you still have those bad days but you have come so far and seem to be coming back to life. =) Ryan is an amazing person and truly loves you. Where are you guys going to be moving to? Where is your school? I am so happy for you guys!!!


Alissa said...

That's a wonderful profession, Kendra. You will do wonders!! :) Congratulations.

Andrea said...

You will be a great OT!! So happy for you!

debbie said...

That is so exciting! For some reason I sat here and cried reading this post just as much as some of the heart wrenchingly sad ones you've written. I'm not sure why - I guess I'm just happy that you are looking forward to something. I know you won't ever have the one thing you really want on this earth, but you are doing such an amazing job looking forward, and every person you work with will be so lucky to have you as their occupational therapist (especially all the guys who have a crush on you and work extra hard to impress their hottie therapist!;). You and Ryan are such awesome examples. Thank you so much for sharing!! love you!

brigette said...

This will be amazing kendra!! You will do a fabulous job!! Im so super excited for you! Uou make me want to do good things!! So excited for you!!

Alerie said...

You will be perfect in this profession!! I am so happy for you!! I am glad you have such a great support system in Ryan, that is important. You will be in my thoughts and prayers that everything goes well with selling your house, car and just with school in general. I know you are going to conquer this with every part of you and you have the best little cheerleader cheering you on!! I know Makenzie is SO SO SO proud of her mommy!! You are amazing!!

Tristan said...

I'm so happy you are figuring this all out and opening the next chapter. We have received so many wonderful tips from our OT to help out our sweet son. He has been an amazing support and encouragement for our family. Good luck with your plans!

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I'm excited for you as well. I know you will do well in your new career. I'm excited for me as well! I never win anything! Especially to be pulled out of a hat! The odds are always against me. I will love it. Thanks. My address is BOX 122 Cokeville, WY 83114. Thanks again and good luck!

Summer said...

Oh Kendra, I'm so happy for you! I'm sure everyone at work is going to miss you a ton, but I know that you are going to be amazing! Good luck with everything and I can't wait to hear how you are doing. I'm sure you will be absolutely amazing! Don't worry, going to school full time isn't that scary, it's just an adjustment.


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