Tuesday, January 12, 2010

learning something new everyday

I'm someone who is learning something new- ALMOST everyday.
I'm trying to learn how to deal everyday- most days I'm not so good but sometimes, i feel I'm making progress. as much as my daughters death is killing me slowly everyday, it was suppose to happen. i hate saying that- i hate realizing that.
I'm planning- planning different ways i can make a difference in memory of makenzie. a way that people will get to meet her even though she isn't here and get to see how special she is, that she is really an angel.

I'm learning something new everyday- last night i realized i need to find strength even when i don't feel i have an ounce of energy left. after school i was driving home. i just lost it. i realized (for the millionth time again) that i wasn't going home to see makenzie. i cried and screamed. i yelled at God like i do quite a bit. i tried to stop crying and pull myself together before i went home. i even drove around the block a few times to calm down. once i opened the door and saw ry- i started again. this time- he started crying to. after we both let out a good cry i asked what was wrong. he told me he has been having a hard time since i went back to work. he has been coming home to an empty house without a baby. he was so used to coming home with her and having that alone time to play, laugh and nap with his makenzie. he broke down again. i ask him all the time if he is okay, if he needs to talk and its always followed by no. last night i ended up holding him. i couldn't fall apart and crumble to the floor because my husband needed me. it was the first time i was the one holding him instead of us holding each other or him holding me. i realized i HAVE to stay strong. i have to keep going.

later we were talking and ryan said- don't you think it will be cool when makenzie gives up her brother or sister and sends them to us. whatever way that will be. they will have so much of her in them because she sent them.

I'm learning something new everyday- someday ill realize its okay to think about being a mom to someone else.


derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

We love you guys so much. Let us know if we can do anything - you know we're here for you and anything you two may need.

Thank you for everything you have taught me. You are amazing.

Benjamin and Jennie said...

she just has the cutest face:) I look at her and smile every time!!:)

Emma said...

Thinking of you today....and sending a couple of poems for Ryan. I agree with them that so often we "forget" about the Dad's because the Mom's need everyone so much. Remember you aren't forgotten about and you are in all our prayers too. Take care,Emma

A Man in Grief
(Eileen Knight Hagemeister)

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

Here is another one....


Don't cry for me Daddy,
I am right here.
Although you can't see me,
I see your tears.

I visit you often,
I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time to close your eyes,
On your pillow is where I lay.

I hold your hand and stroke your hair,
And whisper in your ear.
If your sad today Daddy
Remember I am here.

God took me home,
This we know is true.
But you'll always be my Daddy,
Even though I'm not with you.

I am Daddy's little girl,
We will never be apart,
For every time you think of me,
Please know I'm in your heart.

Anonymous said...

what a SWEET thought your husband had!! Its true, cute little kenzie is sculpting her sibling to perfection, ALL for you


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