Wednesday, December 9, 2009

she is sleeping so i blog.

my babe is asleep so i figure instead of staring at her and waking her up ill blog a bit... yesterday was a great day for kenzie and i. a great day meaning it was just her and i all day. i told her story's i imagined i would tell her when she got older, i sang her songs i thought we would sing together, i told her about when she was born, i told her how much i love her, i talked about meeting her daddy and what an amazing father he is. we laughed- well i laughed, she would have if she could make noise. she was smiling soooo big. i kept blowing in her arm pit. she thought it was hilarious. i know how funny i am so it was refreshing to see that makenzie got to see a little bit of that. i held her quite a bit. i would say 3 or so hours throughout the day. it was simply amazing. i feel so lucky to have my daughter, for however long that maybe. i feel peace today. i don't feel this all that often so its good to feel it and i needed to write it down.

this morning was a rough morning for kenzie. i feel bad for some of these adorable nurses because i have learned i like things a certain way and i have learned what is normal and not normal for makenzie. when they do it differently i get a little upset. this poor girl this morning I'm sure wanted to call security while i was demanding the RT and drugs for kenzie. she was so uncomfortable and i could tell she was having trouble breathing. i know it sounds weird- (I'm not a doctor i know) but even though her stats were fine i could see her and i saw that look in her eyes and i knew she needed help. after battling for a while i convinced her to get someone to help. she got another nurse who came in and sucked out the biggest mucus plug i have ever seen. i later told her i was sorry for being rude and i didn't mean to but when your child is crying and throwing her body around when she usually lays there i know something is wrong. i hope kenzie knows i would have always stood by her side and been her voice and strength when she needed me.

kenzie got a bath this afternoon. she melted into that water and i know she didn't ever want to get out. i hope heaven has a pool or a hot bath for her.

her room is full of fun pictures, colorful balloons and cute stuffed animals. kenz is one lucky little girl. i read to her and i cant tell you how much she loves books. the jazz came by last week and she got a signed basketball, small just like her. it was pretty awesome.

i love everyone here at PCMC. her nurses are awesome and her RT's have been out of this world. i fall in love with each of them. its weird how fast you can trust someone with your child when you really find that amazing person. I'm so grateful for everyone here. they have made this horrible experience a little better.
i wanted to thank, from the bottom of my heart, every single one of you out there for your prayers, thoughts, hugs, visits, phone calls, text messages, gifts, everything you have done for our family. it has not gone unnoticed. I'm sorry i haven't responded to all of you and i haven't called some of you back but please understand its not because i don't want to talk to you its just because my mind is scattered and in another world. i love you all so much and even if we have never met, i talk to makenzie about you and our whole family is grateful for you.


Emma said...

I am so glad you "stuck to your guns" when you knew Kenzie wasn't herself-you are her mother and you know her better than anyone, than any machine can tell, anything. She is such a lucky little girl to have you there, to be her voice for her and to always be looking out for her best interests.

I am glad you found some peace today, I hope you get more and more along this journey.

I often think of my friends little girl in Heaven (she passed away in April of SMA) and the things she is doing. She loved balloons. We "send" her them whenver we can and I said to my friend I think she must have a ball pit of them up there to bounce in by, healthy and watching I am sure there is a beautiful pool up there too!!

You are doing an amazing job, letting Kenzie know how loved she is and knowing she has someone by her side always watching out for her. I'm sure she loves the stories about you and her Daddy!

Thoughts and prayers are with you each and every day. Thanks for the updates, they certainly let us know what you are in need of prayer for and also your sweet baby girl. She has already touched so many....amazing isn't it?!

The Johnson Crew said...

So happy to hear of a good day. I hope many will follow. I am also glad to hear you fight for your baby. Mom's know and I am glad you can stand up for that.
You are still in our prayers and we pray you are able to cherish every moment with that little angel.


Anonymous said...

Since your mom told me about your blog, I have been following you every day. Little Kenzie is so lucky to have you and Ryan for her parents. I am sure she knows how very much you love her and each other. She is such a sweet little angel. One thing I like most is when you write about kenzie being in heaven and what you hope it is like. I like to think that she will be with Daddy (your grandpa) That is a good thing. He will take such good care of her.

I am glad you had a good and peaceful day with her. Keep reading and singing and talking to her. Those are important times for you two. Sweet little kenzie has put such a smile in my heart. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

When my granddaughter Tessa was born 2 years ago, I started singing “You are my sunshine” to her every time I saw her. Please do me a favor and sing it to kenzie and tell her it is from her great aunt Joyce.

I love you Kendra
Aunt Joyce

Robin said...

Having a good day is awesome. It's nice to know that you guys still get to share those times. I have thought about you all a lot over the past few months and I have sent my messages, and emails and whatever else. Don't worry about getting back to me. You don't have to tell me that your mind is in other places I would expect it to be. Work is so much more boring without you here. I always want to to the elevator up and visit but then I remember that you are not here. But that is ok because you are right where you are supposed to be. Spending you time with the person that needs you the very most. You are an awesome mom. we love you.

Benjamin and Jennie said...

Kendra I'm not sure what to say. I can't be silent when something has touched my heart so much. I cry. I cry for you and your family. I cry for Kenzie and all the hardships she is facing. Your posts make my heart sink but I also find joy in the little things you cherish about having your daughter in your arms! You are an amazing mother watching out for your little cub!:) It sounds like you are doing what has to be done to comfort Kenzie!!!! Hang in there, Heavenly Father is with you!
My thoughts and prayers are for you and your family!!

starnes family said...

I am one of those who you do not know, but I am praying for you guys. Lots of love coming your way from Kansas City.


Jennifer Louie said...

I read the blog everyday Kendra and your such an amazing writer, keep doing it. I am grateful that I get to find out what is going on and keep up on Kenz and you guys. Lots of love for you guys coming from California, even though I can't be there close to the rest of my family, I think about you everyday.

Big Love and Hugs everyday to you and Kenz and Ryan and let's not forget Harley in all this.


Cousin Jenn

Unknown said...

Grandma Phyllis and I are really glad you are having Kenzie bless with a name. I think that in the long run she and you guys will be glad you had it done. I'm so sorry about all that is happening to Kenzie and both of you. Just remember you have a lot of family to lean on for the rest of your life. love aunt sherry

Anonymous said...

Even though we dont know one another you are my sister in Christ! Our womens bible study here in Texas City, Texas lifted your family up today. You and your daughter are inspiring so many of us to just love on our kids and make every second count!

Devon said...

Something I've learned through our experience is that I always know better than nurses or RTs. You stick to your guns, girl. You have that instinct, trust it.


Tara Bennett said...

A doctor told me once that DM (doctor mom) knows a LOT more than any MD ever could! Boy is that the truth. I'm so glad you trust your maternal instincts. I've had many a nurse and doctor want to call security on me, and I say, let 'em. I don't care. I'm here to take care of my baby not make friends. Most of the time, we do make friends, but when I have to get pushy and people get annoyed, well that's just tough.

I'm so glad you were able to have a peaceful day with Kenzie. I am so grateful you are getting to know her and letting her get to know you and tell all your stories. You just leave me in awe every single day at your courage and strength. I know Kenzie knows you are the best mom alive as well. She is one lucky little girl to have a mom like you to care for her.

God's ways certainly are not our ways. But I do know that He loves His children, He loves Kenzie and you and Ryan. I hope you feel that love and find peace and comfort from it. I know that angels are real and with you. I pray that when you're not able to hold Kenzie that the angels will hold her AND you. I pray that you will feel their loving arms.

Love you. {{HUGS}}

Chanse and Janell said...

I'm so happy you get to spend so much time with her and do happy things with her! Stay strong, you are a great mom. Much love!

Lorraine Wood said...

Kendra and Ryan -
You are both amazing individuals, your strengh and love for Kenzie and eachother is amazing.
Both of you and Kenzie are in our thoughts and prayers daily.

Lorraine, Samantha and Kelcey

Gaspegirl said...

I pray for you everyday Kendra! I just want you to know that we are here for you and I love that you are making every moment count with your precious angel! (((hugs)))


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