Sunday, December 27, 2009

dumb breast milk

we went out to a movie with a&d last night. we love them. it was a great night but on our way home ry and i both agreed it felt like we were missing something. we both kept thinking we forgot something or we weren't being responsible. it was a strange feeling. a&d are amazing, thanks for being there.

when we got home i was feeling good, i didn't want that feeling to end so i had to stay busy. i couldn't think. i started to clean. my house is gross. after being gone for a month then coming back and having no energy or desire to clean it- wow... it got bad. it would have been worse if my amaZing sista A wouldn't have come to clean it a few times. anyway--- i started cleaning out the fridge, moved up to the freezer... in the very back i found those dumb bags of what used to be like gold... breast milk... all you women who breastfed/pumped know what i mean. those things are very special and should be kept forever! okay maybe not for forever but its like you just cant throw that precious stuff away. well i was pissed. it brought me back to the end of sept.
makenzie was doing great breastfeeding from the beginning. she never ate a lot but she ate well. pumping was great for me because it kept the milk coming and it kept my freezer stocked. (if you don't remember i kept having nightmares before kenzie was born that i would forget to feed her so i became crazy pumping lady in order to always have enough on hand so she would never go hungry) anyway--- when kenzie was turning 2 months it seemed that over night she couldn't nurse anymore. i didn't know what the problem was. she would drink fine from a bottle but couldn't get anything out of me. i felt like a failure of a mom. i was always told YOU BREASTFEED... no matter what, you're a bad person if you don't. whatever! i really felt guilty but i really just wanted my baby to eat. i would try everything she wouldn't nurse. i had to just pump- all the time... that didn't last long. she didn't like my milk in a bottle. this girl was picky! i gave her formula.. she ate. whatever i didn't care as long as she ate. my milk dried up but it didn't matter, i just wanted her to eat.
fast forward to the hospital around the time they were trying to diagnose her---
i kept getting asked the question why i stopped nursing. i told my same story a million times. she just stopped. i didn't know why. they would ask if she was picky about her bottles. YES. she was... i had to get her certain bottles that she could get formula out easy but not easy enough that it was drowning her. after the diagnosis came back that she did have a neuromuscular disease they told me that a big first sign of it was that she couldn't nurse anymore. she lost the strength. her bottles didn't make her try hard.
fast forward to last night when i found my bags of gold---
i felt sick. i was so proud of myself when i got the hang of feeding her. i felt powerful as a mom to be able to provide for her like that. i kept thinking about watching her while she ate.
i threw them all away.

i had a horrible night. cried pretty much all night. ryan tried to help but i couldn't stop. at one point i passed out from exhaustion but continued to cry. when it came time to wake up this morning i didn't even think, i went in her room. i stood there for a while. touched her things. opened her drawers. i found my way to the corner where her dirty clothes were. i collapsed in that tiny area. i sat there. smelling her shirt that she wore the night before she went to the hospital. she threw up on it a little. she slobbered on it. i held it so close and wanted to just have this all stop. right now, i hate God. i hate him for taking my daughter. i don't remember her smell because the last month of her life she smelled like all that crap in the hospital. she smelled like the tape on her face, she smelled like the weird formula they gave her. I'm so angry. i have ever been so angry. i said some things last night. ryan understood and agreed with me but i don't know if we really feel like that or we were just so unbelievably sad. i really don't want to keep moving. i don't want to think life will get easier. i just want makenzie. i feel so sick all the time.

throughout the day today i was having ok moments but pretty much all day i was not even close to being okay. i know ryan wishes he could help more and its not like him to just sit around and hold me while i cry, he wants to help me, he wants to change things. he gets frustrated when he cant. i hope I'm not pushing him away. i screamed today. most of the day. there were a few times i didn't even feel like myself. i felt like something was taking over me. i kept crying. ryan had to give me some tough love. i hate tough love. i kept yelling that God would bring kenzie back if i just kept praying. he kept telling me that she isn't coming back, God isn't bringing her back. for a bit- i hated him for saying that. i didn't want to hear it. i still don't. finally i just pushed her out of my mind. he asked if i wanted to go on a walk or drive. i couldn't move. i was able to get myself in a position that no pictures were in my view, i was able to get my mind onto something not her. i was able to breathe. ryan sat there until i feel asleep. i slept for a few hours. before i fully woke up- i had this dream. it was a dream or a wish or my mind making something up i really don't know. but it was kenzie. she was older though. she had fair skin, long dark hair, she was thin, she was beautiful. i couldn't see her face but i knew it was kenzie. i was starting to wake up so i made myself fall back to sleep because i didn't want to lose that image of her. i hope that was her.

ryan wants me to get some help... i got annoyed because i think- hello, my baby died. what else should i be doing? maybe he is right. the last few days I'm not feeling better, I'm feeling worse. i get into this mode where i feel so out of control. i sometimes scare myself. like today.
i don't even know what to do or where to start. i have been in and out of counseling my whole life. i have always been messed up that way. i have been on and off different meds my whole life. i just don't know how i should be feeling now. people keep saying this is all normal so i don't know what is normal and whats crossing over being normal and when i should get help.
this blog helps more than anything. it get everything sorted out. sometimes ill go back and read what i have written in the past. so far i cant read about when kenzie was still here. it makes me made at myself. i think why the hell did i blog- i should have been holding or watching or playing with makenzie.

everyone has different views of heaven. I'm not sure what i believe. i read what i wrote before about heaven over and over and i wonder if that's true. i hope it is. i hope makenzie is happy. i hope she is pain free. i worry so much about her missing ryan and i. i hope she isn't scared. i hope she is being held, loved and kissed.
i miss her so much. i wish we could have grown old together.


Katie Danner said...

Kendra, I really can't begin to imagine what you are feeling or going through. There is no way I could fully understand- however, I want to say from my outside perspective, it does seem normal to me. It seems normal for you to be feeling maybe a bit crazy at times. I am sure it is normal due to all the things that have happened with mackenzie, as well as possibly all the other things you hae gone through before.....I am not sure- that is just what I feel. Don't be too hard on yourself- be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel the pain. I think that is what is healthiest. I want to tell you about something else- but I think I will do it through email. A good quote I love that helps me in trials is, "This too shall pass."
Love ya Kendra.

Chris, Molly, and Baby said...

Hi Kendra
I wrote you a note here when you first found out what your sweet baby had. My daughter was born on 5 Oct. 2009 and died on 27 October 2009 from SMA type 1. I have my first counseling session today and I'm actually excited. I like you went through a period of several days week before last where all I did was cry. My husband came home from work scared of what was going on. I had been handling things "normally" up until the two month mark of my daughter's death. And even though I knew all of what I was thinking was "normal" i just couldn't turn the thoughts off in my head. My husband and I are also getting couseling together and separately. I should have asked for help before now. The grief comes on me at such unsuspecting times and I feel I just need someone to help me help myself. Everything you write could have been written by me too and I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in trying to process this horrible disease and your grief. If you want to "talk" at anytime please don't hesitate to email me.
Chris, Molly, Virginia, and baby June our SMA Angel

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. I know your loss is just so incredibly painful. I wish I could help.
I will pass this along in case you haven't seen it, but there is another family who has suffered loss less than a year ago, and she has a blog. I'm sure if you contact her she would be glad to talk to you.
The Bible talks of heaven and what we have to look forward to. I assure you your baby is whole where she is now. And she is with her creator. I know you would rather have her with you. It is something we will never understand until we enter the gates of heaven ourselves. I'm praying for you.

Alerie said...

I am SO sorry Kendra!! My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are not "crazy". Everything you write, my sister-in-law has said to me at one point when she lost her boys. Also, I know that she didn't feel like she wanted or needed to talk to someone. She ended up finding this group that met every other week for parents that lost their child. I know she found it very helpful to be with others that really understood. Everyone is different though and so you do whatever you feel is best for you. There has not been a day that I have missed praying for you since I came across your blog and I hope that in all of this pain that you can feel at least a little bit of everyone's love and support for you and Ryan. We are all here for you, even those of us that don't know you personally. You are amazing, I hope you know that. Much love to you!!

Nana said...

I cannot even imagine where you are at. I have said that before. You are greiving. I don't think there are rules about how you should act or feel. Everyone does it in their own way. I don't think seeking help would be wrong but, I certainly don't think you are crazy.

I do think (this is my opinion) that Kenzie was reaching out to you. I think we see things in dreams, we are told things in dreams. It has happened to me. Some dreams are just that a dream but, sometimes you just know. Like you knew it was her in your dream.

I really don't have any advice. I don't know what to say. I can't make anything better. Only you can make it better for yourself and who knows how long that will take. Sometimes I wish there was a turn off button we could push when we are aching and sad.

Don't be hard on yourself or Ryan, you are going through one of, if not the hardest thing a person can go through. Don't underestimate that. You are not going to magically feel better, either one of you.

Anonymous said...


I have known you practically your whole life. You are far from crazy!! You have had many challenges, and they have made you who you are today, which is an amazingly strong woman! Of course you are mad! You have every right to be. You can take your frustration out any way you want! I have never been very religious, never really knowing what to believe. One thing I do KNOW, Kenzie is happy! SHe is no longer in pain, no longer fighting to eat, or even breath! She is surrounded by people who love her very much. I truly believe you will be with her some day. I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better. I just want you to know that people love you and are here for you!!


Orley said...


I am starting a grief support group for adults at PCMC startibg Jan 13th at 6 pm - 3rd floor - near the north elevators. Come meet other parents who are going through simliar experiences. Give me a call or jsut show up - no charge.

linda Miller said...

Dear Kendra,
I found your blog last night and stayed up most of the night reading, crying and praying for you. I am a complete stranger but come to you with so much sorrow for the loss of your most precious baby. She was so beautiful, full of hope and light and love. I just don't understand how God allows a little baby to suffer as she did. But God has certainly changed your life forever. These are lessons you didn't want nor need but he has brought out such a beautiful woman and mother in you. My gosh, you've been through so much! You were strong when you needed to be but now you need to really take care of yourself and your husband. My heart just breaks and aches for you. I have a grand daughter that is 10 months old and I am so grateful for her.....even more now after reading about your Mackenzie. What a baby doll! The pictures of her capture a very special little angel. Love the way you dresses her with her bows. We do the same with Callahan. She pulls the hairbands off now so we're down to little bows. How I wish this terrible disease had a cure and that no other baby and family would have to go through your pain. I am so sorry Kendra.
If you get time, I would like your address so I can send you a little something in memory of Mackenzie. Thank you. Linda Miller....Charlotte NC
p.s. I will be praying for you often.

Amie said...

Hi Kendra, I am a friend of Mariah Cade's...I live in Spring, TX. When I saw Mariah's post regarding your loss, I quickly looked up your blog. I, like many people cried when I read your blog. I have been in your shoes...I have had to make that "decision" however, know in your heart that Kenzie DID make that decision so that you would not have to. I don't know you but you seem like an amazing wife, friend and mom! It has been 14years since the death of my son and I promise day, it will get a little easier. You and your husband have been thru so much together and I am sure he feels lost like there is nothing he can do to make it all better for you. I noticed you love music so I am sure you have heard "Stand Back Up" by Sugarland...know that you will stand back up one day but allow yourself to greive. Cry, scream, fall's okay! From one mom to another, I do encourage you to see a greiving counselor, someone who specializes in death...I just saw one last year for other reasons and learned that many issues that I have with my daughters (I am what you would call a little ((which means alot)) over protective) all go back 14yrs ago when I lost my son. Anyway, I will pray for you and Ryan. Please reach out to me if you need to talk to someone who understands what you are going thru. my email address is

Anonymous said...


Emma said...

Kendra, first of all YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!! What you are going through is so, so normal....although I wish no mother had to go through what you are, what you are feeling is normal under the circumstances. I remember telling our dear friend the same thign when she was feeling angry, mad etc just as you are. Yell, scream, fall to your knees, do whatever you need to do to grieve in whatever way you need. I do think talking to someone can help, but only when you are ready and with someone you find that you can really open up to. Be open to the idea and one day you might feel ready. I know you and Ryan will have good and bad days with one another, as although you are going through the same thing you will both grieve differently. As much as he hurts you do, but I will say I think the bond of a mother and child is like no other and noone can truly grasp the loss other than another mother, although his pain is so extreme too. You won't alwyas but when you can lean on him, talk to him and just remind him although he can't 'fix' it like he would like that hearing what you are saying is all that matters. Hold tight to your love, hold tight to the love your sweet Kenzie had for her Daddy and although SO hard to believe time will ease the pain, change the pain, take away the 'take your breath away pain'...but it takes time. Remember your loss is still so, so new. My thoughts and prayers for love, peace and comfort are with Em

The Call's said...

Kendra. I have found your blog in the last couple of weeks. I do not know you personally, but I would like to you to know I think from reading your blog you are increadibly strong. Your daughter's pictures are beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss and your family will be in my prayers. Thank you for sharing such a hearfelt story of love with everyone.

Josh and Paige said...

Kendra I am so sorry. Its hard to know what to say to someone when you don't exactly know what they are going through :( I just want you to know though as i read your blog I felt peace in knowing that you will be with your daughter again someday. I know that God has a plan for her and you. Pain that you are going through now, will make you stronger, and a better person in the future. I look up to you, because that would be such a hard thing to go through. I just know that God loves you and even though these trials are hard it doesn't make him care for you less. He loves you, and through people around you he will show you that love :)
I hope you know your thought about, and that so many people think about you!


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