Dancing Queen

This is my adorable niece.

She has one of the best personality's ever. She is 5 going on 30

(seriously, she is smarter than me)

we are great friends.

we have many of the same interests:

barbies, lady gaga, skirts, pink, sushi, shopping.

we are like 2 peas in a pod.

i love the frosting - she loves the cake

This girl had her end of season dance recital.

AND

It didn't disappoint.  She did amaZing!

Seriously look at how cute she is.

She wasn't shy, or nervous, or scared

She jumped on that stage, did better than anyone else and shook her little butt for 2 hip hop songs!

I had a great time watching her perform.

I love you to pieces Ms. O!

merry go round

her life was summed up in 4 songs.

baby mine - alison krauss

chicken fried - zac brown band

cryin for me - toby keith

the dance - garth brooks

from her first picture to her last.

how is it already done?

how is it already over?

i thought it was just the beginning.

life is spinning out of control and im loosing my grip. i cant hold on much longer.

i feel im holding on as tight as i can, some days the merry go round isn't so fast so i can get a better grip but most days it just keeps spinning at uncontrollable speeds.  others are holding on to. others are on this merry go round. some are stronger. some have more drive, some have tricks or have learned other ways to stay on. i haven't learned those ways yet.

how has it been 6 months-

half a year-

27 weeks-

183 days-

to many minutes

and an infinity of seconds.

Oh Makenzie,

I am missing you so much. Every ounce of me is hurting. Aching. Missing you. My life needs you in it. Here with me. I need your smell and your wiggles and your sound and your amazing everything.

why isn't it getting easier? why isn't this pain feel less sharp? why is it that i feel it was yesterday?

this numb is so strong. this void is so vivid. this loss is too great.

how is it real?

how is life really without you now?

i want to scream, i have no control, i want to run and keep running until i get to you.

i have never felt so out of control.

i cant do anything- nothing- no amount of praying, pleading, begging, bartering will bring you back.

why did he take you from me?

your journey was over- you did all you needed- you were too perfect.

of course, i know that, but i don't understand it.

i never will.

please oh please God love her. 

give her kisses, give her loves, throw her in the air and make her squeal.

show her the world that i couldn't. give her the love i didn't. tell her how much she means to me.

tell her ill see her again. no matter what. i know you wont keep her from me. we will be together again. someday.

to far away.

Volunteer Pizza Party

Tomorrow June 12th from 6-7 PM is our Volunteer Pizza party for

Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe Event!

If your planning on volunteering or would like to, come sign up tomorrow. 

We would love to have all of you.

Go to our MRW blog for the address and directions.

Remember who this is for!

missing my daughter

I am missing you like crazy today.
I am imagining your arms, your legs, your butt. I cant stop thinking about your lips. Oh how I want to kiss those lips. I wish we had more time. I wonder what your doing. Do you laugh everyday? Does Grandpa carry you around on his shoulders? Do you sleep in Grandmas arms? Is God giving you kisses? What is heaven like? What do you do up there? Is it all white and your walking on clouds or does it look like this world?
Ryan and I agree that balloons never pop in heaven so you and all those other angels must be going nuts over the rooms of balloons :) I think about you watching them. I think about you meeting new friends. Other friends that are with you to soon as well. Do you all watch your Moms and Dads all day or are you to busy having fun? I hope your to busy having fun. I would much rather that. I hope you are so busy with play time, being tickled, getting zerberts and smiling that your to busy to think about anything else.

I say your boyfriend last night. I think about how big you would have been. I think about the things you would be doing. Its so strange to think I'm not going to have that experience with you until I go back to heaven. It hurts me to know that. I miss being a Mom. I miss having someone to take care of. I miss being your hero. I miss being the one who did it all. I know I'm still your Mom but your not here. I'm not being your Mom. I got sick to my stomach the other day while driving, a sudden overwhelming pain came over me when I realized I'm not being a Mom anymore. Why is it that its taken almost 6 months to realize that. How has it almost been that long? I wish I could have taught you more.

I found my "Mom" book that I put together while I was pregnant with you. Its full of ideas from magazines that I wanted to remember as you grew up. It had everything from healthy snack ideas to how to stop tantrums. Oh how I wish you would throw a tantrum. That would be the sweetest sound right now. To hear you scream and yell and throw a fit until you got your way because it would be then that I would realize you are here and REAL. I promise I would have worked at being a better Mom everyday. I would have done everything I needed to so that you would have the best life possible. I promise I would have had patience, I would have listened and more than anything I would have showed you how much I absolutely adore you every day. I miss being your Mom. I miss waking up in the middle of the night, I miss doing your laundry, I miss buying diapers, I miss smelling your hair after a bath, I miss changing your diaper, I miss spending way to much money on clothes and bows and shoes for you. I had to stop myself at every gift shop last weekend from buying you something. I wanted to buy you so many things. I kept thinking you would probably be in almost 12 month clothes so I better just buy 12-18 month stuff. You would have come with us. I wouldn't have left you at home. I never did. I wanted you to be a part of everything we were. I didn't need to go out to the bar, I didn't need alone time, We didn't need date night, I didn't need a break, I didn't need any of that because all I needed was you.

I miss carrying your car seat, I miss looking in my rear view mirror and seeing you in the car seat mirror, I miss hearing your funny sounds, I miss running out of clean socks, I miss having a messy house because I spent all my day with you- now its just messy because I'm lazy... I miss stepping on toys, I miss smelling your butt to check if you pooped, I miss you sucking on my finger until it looked like a prune, I miss having Harley chew up another binky and bottle, I miss buying you new bottles, I miss bath time.
Oh how I miss being your Mother. I wish I could hear that laugh again, see that smile again, take care of you for the rest of my life. I wish I could have heard you say Mama.

Yellowstone

Earlier this year Ryan and I were invited by this amazing couple (Travis and Katrina) to come stay at their lodge in West Yellowstone this spring/summer. I have never been to Yellowstone so I immediately jumped at the opportunity. We have been counting down the days to go. I have been so anxious awaiting an encounter with a bear- yes I was hoping to run into a bear.

A friendly one though- kinda like pooh bear- a cuddly one!

We left early afternoon on Friday with no real agenda but to get there. It was so nice to stop when we wanted, drive however long we wanted and have no deadlines. Ryan got me an iphone for Mothers Day and I was very happy to have that on the road. HOWEVER I really wanted to rent a movie but needed to be connected to wifi to download anything so I made Ryan drive around for close to an hour in Pocatello looking for a place with wifi-- and we never did find a place. Its okay though. we played car games, sang really loud, made fun of each other and pigged out on pepsi and dr. pepper.

We decided to stop at Bear World- literally at the last second.

Ryan cut off 2 cars in order to not miss the turn off.

I was so overly excited I cant explain myself.

I'm in love with animals and I couldn't wait to see a bear...

Remember- I was determined to hug one.

(Check out this white elk!)

This little fella came right up to our car. I tried to open the door knowing he would leap into my loving arms and give me a nice wet kiss, but- Ryan locked the door and pulled my hair until I promised I wouldn't get out.

And we continued on our journey. We were following the gps on my phone until we lost all service about 10 miles away from West Yellowstone so we got a bit lost but finally found our destination. As soon as we pulled in I was in aww... This place is incredible. Seriously you all have to promise me to plan a trip to Yellowstone and stay at The Hibernation Station! We checked in and were escorted to our cabin.

We wondered around town that night (in pouring rain) and ate at a yummy barbecue restaurant. We ended the night by chilling in their hot tub and finally crashing in the amazingly comfortable bed. I haven't slept that hard in months.

Ryan doesn't believe in sleeping in- esp. on vacations (drives me nuts) so he woke me up bright and early... and when I say early, I mean 7:15 am!!!! Are you freakin kidding me.

After a few choice words with my sweet hubby we went to a Bear and Wolf sanctuary. Now this was amazing. We got there just in time to watch both the bears and the wolfs get fed.

The bears are named Sam and Illie.

and Ryans favorite animal- The Wolf.

After our awesome adventure we headed up to Yellowstone National Park! It was amazing. We were in the park a total of 6.5 hours. We ate lunch, saw Old Faithful, stoped at approx. 4 gift shops, saw one car accident (a car ran into a tree) took a million pictures of trees, took a hand full of pictures of buffalo, saw 6 wolfs- 1 black one, saw a few cow elk and one bull elk. It didn't rain, The weather was nice, pretty much drove the whole way with the windows down, listened to lots of music and smelled lots of hot pots :(

We had a great time.

We of course created our MRW in Yellowstone.

We left the park and headed back to our cabin. Katrina and Travis invited us to go horseback riding at their property. We couldn't say YES fast enough.

Ryan and I would love to own horses someday. We are both city people don't know the slightest thing about country living but its still a dream.

This was my horse = Fancy

And this was Ryans = Mistletoe

We jumped on and headed up the mountain. I cant begin to explain how amazing this ride was. The views were amazing. We loved getting to know Travis and Katrina, we watched out for that cuddly bear, galloped, ran and trekked it through snow. We got pretty high up before we turned back because the snow was getting to deep and the mud to muddy. Although I definitely don't have a horse riding body- seriously my butt is beat up and I hit my knee on a tree which left it black and blue- we loved every second of it. It was definitely the highlight of our already amazing vacation.

We seriously cant thank The Hibernation Station, Katrina and Travis enough for their amazing gift. We are so lucky to have them as new friends and cant wait to go back- seriously: we are already planning our next trip out there.

After a yummy dinner we headed back to our room and enjoyed our last night in paradise.

Ryan let me sleep in until 9am and then we headed back home.

Against our will.

I wish I could move there.

...someday...

10 Months

Hi Baby,
I'm very late. I should have written this to you weeks ago. Just haven't been able to do it. You turned 10 months on May 18th. I cant believe it. I bought a 2010 calendar while I was on maternity leave and filled out every 18th. I also filled out things like goals and milestones I predicted you would hit through the year. I see them everyday. I think about that time. Our time. Those few months you were mine, all day, all night. I miss them. We had a great time didn't we? We had our favorite shows to watch every morning- of course Regis and Kelly, GTU and The View. We would do our exercises on the floor together. Well you would last only a few seconds on your tummy before I would give in and turn you over or let you join into my workouts. You would lay on my legs while I moved them up and down. You would lay next to me while I did sit ups. Lets be honest- you never could see a difference, probably because it was more play time than workout time. We would jog every morning. You, me and Harley. It was peaceful to go early- before the heat. We kept the same routine. I haven't walked it since. It wont be the same without you. I would always get you dressed first thing. Mainly because I loved dressing you and couldn't wait to pick out what adorable (non funtion-able) outfit you would wear today. You always looked fabulous. I promise. People ask how I painted your teeny tiny toes- I tell them, she wanted to be beautiful from top to bottom so she layed there without moving while I painted them. It was you that wanted to look beautiful. I promise- you didn't have to even try. you are unbelievably beautiful. I wish I would have taken you more places. I wish I would have showed you the world. There is so much to see. Although- my favorite moments was anytime I was alone with you. Looking at you, holding you, loving you. I cant begin to tell you how much I love you. You are my world little girl. You are so amazing. I knew that from the beginning.
While I was pregnant I was terrified of getting stretch marks. I used all different kinds of coco butter, oils, etc. WELL none of them worked. I got these horrible ugly stretch marks. At the time, I was devastated. I thought I would just die. (oh how silly those worries are now)
Every morning I see them now, they make me smile. I am proud of them. They are my scares. They are the physical proof I carried you for 9ish months and its the proof you are real. I wouldn't wish them away. Although they are not the most attractive thing you will see and you better believe I wont be sporting any string bikinis, I still love them. I hold them. I trace them. Because they are you. They are a part of our miracle. Thank you for giving them to me. Thank you for giving me you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I love you. To the moon and back. Last night I held your little hand molds that I have. I love them because they have every detail of your sweet fingers. I loved your fingers. I loved your tiny nails. Everything was perfection. You are my angel. Please give Daddy loves. He needs you now. Give him strength. We are trying to keep moving. We are doing it together, some days, most days, are just so hard. We need you. Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep farting. We are missing you. Everyday.
Happy 10.5 month birthday!
Hugs and Kisses.
Love Mom

untitled

more than missing.

aching.

arms are heavy.

breathing is shallow.

don't want to fake this smile today.

don't want to keep moving.

needing you.

** check out MRW's blog for awesome news**

memorial day

its a tradition on memorial day weekend to head down to the cabin, open it up and on our way home stop at the cemetery's and pay our respects. last year was no different. the only difference was we kept talking about how our loved ones were playing with our baby and getting ready to send her to us. we kept thinking about this time next year and how we would have a crawler on our hands. we imagined getting ready to plan her first birthday, take a summer vacation, buy her first bikini so she could show off that adorable plump belly we knew she would have.
this year... our tradition changed. the boys went to the cabin the weekend before and we went to st. george this weekend. our life isn't anything like we thought it would be. on our way home from st george ryan and i talked about how last year they were giving away hot dogs at the cemetery and how we thought it was weird and a little gross to eat food at a cemetery.
oh how our life has changed.
never would i have thought i would not only be eating but sleeping/taking naps at the cemetery.
never would i have thought it would hurt this bad to go to the cemetery.
never would i have thought my daughter would be someone i visit at the cemetery.

they had a program of bag pipes and Scottish dancers.

we showered makenzie with lots of flowers and balloons.
ryan went to tie the ones we brought to the flowers but one balloon got away. we brought 2 that were different colors, one was for Makenzie and the other was for her angel friend Ryker. Apparently Makenzie became to impatient and grabbed hers before we were ready to let them go, I quickly let Rykers go so they could play with them together.

we are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends.

they came to support us and we supported them. we have all lost so much. i hurt to see them. i know they don't have Makenzie either. I wish we could all hold her, kiss her and watch her grow up. She loved her grandparents. She loved her cousins and aunts and uncles. She loved everyone. we are all so blessed to know her. she is such an amazing person. she is so strong, so determined and we can all learn so much from her. I cant begin to express how honored I am to be her Mom. It was a hard day, but at the end when I went to bed, all i could do was thank Makenzie for being mine. I am so lucky to have had her. I am so lucky to have known that level of love. She has taught me so much. She continues to teach me. I love her to the moon.