Friday, May 4, 2012

a wee bit controlling?

When we found out baby T was infact a boy and I started looking for things for not only him to wear but to put in his room, different fabrics for blankets, etc. It has proven to be a bit of a challenge so far. With this little man I want things simple and different. I am not really into all the characters and shirts with words on them. I think they are so cute and love them on every other kid but I just not for T. I love anything that looks like its one of a kind, has stripes or is grey. If you can combine all of those into 1- I seriously will scratch your eyes out to get my hands on it.
In my attempts at finding T the best wardrobe, decor and accessories I have stumbled upon some amazing finds but they are very limited. He has a couple things in his closet already but most were gifts or hand me downs. What I have personally purchased will last him an afternoon of spit up's and blow outs.
I have been to seriously tons of stores/boutiques all around Utah... I have spent the majority of my time online searching. I have bought a few things and honestly returned 75% of what I have purchased for him already. I get it and just don't love it so I send it back. I have no idea what my issue is. Everything for him has to be perfect. It has to be something I LOVE and not just like. His room is so important to me and I have no idea why I am so controlling about everything in it. EVERYTHING.
I have even gone as far as going through all of the children's books we have and taking several out because I just don't want to read those ones to T.
I am not sure if I am like this because its really the only control I have over him. I don't know. I am getting a bit frustrated and really overwhelmed. I mean there is no way I can control that much. There is no reason for me to control it. Its silly. and I know that.
The only thing that is steering me away from being 100% all over his stuff is Ryan. I honestly want him to love his room and his clothes and his books and his... whatever...
So I am really controlling about making sure Ryan loves everything as well. There are a few things that have gone into his closet and his room that I don't LOVE. shocking! but Ryan loves them so I am fine with it. Our styles are so different and what we love is so different. If Ryan was able to have totally control over T's room it would be painted camo, with camo bedding, with deer antlers hanging in every inch of the wall, with some dead animal on the floor and a closet of only camo and cowboy boots.
I love Ryan and want him to be apart of it all but that's a little to much for me. I don't want to scare my son. So we are settling with antlers in his room, lots of camo in his closet and the knowledge that this boy will always own a pair of cowboy boots. He already has his first pair. and honestly I love them. They are so cute.

When I step back from all of this I get frustrated with myself because me of all people understands that everything in that room and in that closet are so NOT important. They mean nothing. They are just things and will never define who our son will be or the amount of love we have for him.
Packing up box after box after box of all the things Makenzie never used, never touched, never grew into, never care about... I know all that shit is just that--- shit. Its nice and some things are necessary but most are not. He could sleep in my dresser drawer and be just as happy.
So knowing all of this why is it so hard for me to let go?
Why cant I just chill and enjoy it?
I refuse to buy anything that is bigger than 3-6 months. I honestly wouldn't have even purchased anything that big but a cute outfit was on sale so I got it in the last size they had which was 3-6 M. Everything else I have bought is either newborn or 0-3. My mind cant even go past that. Thinking he will grow bigger than that. I cant even get my mind to go there. It almost feels like an impossible accomplishment. Whenever I tell Ryan this he agrees with me and then says-- well that is all we know.
It breaks my heart that his mind goes there to. I wish I could be the only crazy one and he could just live in a life of bliss where you get to raise all of your children and you never worry about them leaving you before you leave them. I wish I didn't know that either but I wish he didn't more.

I want to let go. I need to let go. I cant control this.
I wish I knew how to do that. Just do it. Just stop. Just walk away. Just live.
I tell myself these things over and over and without even thinking about it my mind goes back to the controlling--- no that cant happen--- no he cant wear that--- no that cant go in his room--- no one can step foot in his room--- that's his, only he can sit there, only he can use that. and it becomes an obsession. I have to protect that. My mind will focus on that thing and that thing only because that is T's.
I feel like I did when Makenzie first died. I became obsessed with every single thing of hers. I didn't even want people to look at certain things because it wasn't for their eyes. I feel like I am doing the same thing but in reverse. I am obsessing over T's things before he even gets here. Things he has yet touch or see or feel. Everything has to be protected and preserved for him.

Jesus Christ I am a little lot messed up.
Sometimes just writing things out and seeing how ridiculous I am being helps. I am hoping it does this time because man alive I need to get a grip. I have the logic in my head and for some reason cant actually do it. I guess its good I can at least realize my craziness and now I just need to learn how to get over it.


Ashley said...

Thanks for sharing, helps to know I'm not alone. Ledge has started wearing 18 mo shirts, next in line... 2T. Something we never got to. Weird as it sounds it gives me anxiety, while I've been able to avoid it, next little while I won't be able to. Who would have thought something like this would bring on so much anxiety?

And hey, if all the control helps right now, let it come. Do what you need to do. I'm guessing you'll be a little uptight until the little guy passes 5 months... something I can't wait for, to have Ledge reach 19 months.

I can't wait to learn this little guy's real name!!

Allison said...

Hi Kendra! I read your blog , but have never posted. I love the camouflage part of your post today, it made me giggle! I think most dad's would do the same decor if they could. I know you said you thought the things in his room weren't really important. While that might be true to some extent, don't feel guilty. There's a new little fella coming and so much to be excited about! Have fun and be happy while you wait on baby T! Have a great weekend! Blessings to you!


Lindsay Henderson said...

Hello, you don't know me but I feel like I know you, I've been 'following' you could call it 'stalking' actually for a few years now...breathe. Just take one GIANT huge breath in and slowly let it out. I believe this is the 'control' in your life because of the uncontrolable situation that happened with your sweet Kenzie. Be in control, it's fine. I can't even image what I'd do. You two are wonderful parents and baby 'T' has such a wonderful life in store for him :D with your hubby wanting something camo or antlers in his room. Just a suggestion in the 'suggestion box' pic out a lot of fabric, the different patterns, strips, polka dots and have one be camo. Get it in grey and have baby 'T' bedding made with different boxes of your fav fabric. As far as the antlers go...get a crap ton of them and stack them so they're all staggered(hoping this makes sense, I can see it it my mind) you can use it as a focal point in the room above your rocker/glider or as his mobile, very seccured of coarse :D oh and spray paint them all either the 'pop' of color you're loving for his room or better yet, grey. Like a slate gray, it would be soooo cute!! I had the same problem with my man's room. I needed it to be something 'funky' so I made his moble and and had everything made for his nursery set. I don't know how to tag it on my blog but it's posted Dec 2011. wow sorry this is obnoxiously looong :D best of luck to you guys!! Rock that bump and vent whenever you need to!!!

Pogue Mahone said...

I can sympathize. With our boys I refused to let them wear anything with sports on it, no team logos or anything to do with sports at all because I hate sports so much. I even had to tell people buying him things for his birthday and Christmas "NO sports themed stuff!"

Alesha said...

Gotta love when you know things but you can't seem to actually act on it. I do that all the time in my grief. You can't help your feelings. I always think "at least I know I am crazy right?"

Abby Leviss said...

I WISH I could shut off my brain. I sometimes think it is my thoughts that are going to ensure whether Baby M lives past nine and a half months or not. People don't mean anything by it but they tell me I have to think positively "for the baby". As IF I have control over what I think. That is a luxury left for people who have not lost children. I am doing the opposite of you. I am 28 weeks pregnant and I won't buy a thing. I can't look at Maxie's things. I can't bear the thought of going through any of it. I am just SO heartbroken and scared. At least you know that the stuff doesn't matter. It is probably your brains way of giving you something to concentrate on and like you said, control. I think all of us mommas deserve a little control back in our lives.

Sunshine Promises said...

Have I told you how fantastically happy I am for you? I am. So, so, so much. Can't wait to meet your Little Man.

Good things are ahead. I can feel it.


Seeing Each Day said...

I think (think, I'm not presuming to know) that it's just self preservation - protecting of yourself. And we all do that. I really wish I could remove all of that anxiety for you so you get some peace to just breathe , all I can offer is that if it were a friend of yours and not you who had lost their child and if she had told you those exact words you've written would probably makes sense in the way that you would totally understand her emotions and that she was just preparing for the very worst, simply because she's lived through the very worst. You would have no judgement nor confusion or anxiety in what she said because it would just make sense that she would be experiencing those awful and exhausting but understandable under the circumstances emotions. In my mind you've done the best thing in getting your thoughts out on 'paper'. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Paige said...

I can't say I know how you feel, but I think about y'all often! As far as the clothes go for Baby, I'm sure you will get TONS of hand-me-downs as the months go on. I'm not sure if there is a Goodwill near you, but they usually have a good baby clothes selection in the stores here in Georgia. Oh yeah, have you tried MAKING clothes for him?! Maybe, just MAYBE, Walmart or a craft store near you would have fabric that is grey and striped! You can find patterns for clothes online for free; you just have to look in the right spot! :)

Anonymous said...

I am sure it is normal for you and Ryan to both feel this way. Your heart is still recovering from not have Makenzie with you, physically. And as another commentor posted--it may be self-preservation. Please breathe! And in time you will hold that sweet little boy, cuddle him and know that God is watching over you all. I am sure that in time you will relax more. But you do need time. :-) Hang in there Kendra!

Alesha said...

I seriously don't even know what it will be like to be pregnant again. ONE BIG ANXIOUS MESS! Ha, not much you can do to help it. ;)

I like different names. As long as they aren't too made up and weird. I prefer different over using things like bathtub for a name. ;)


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