Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Getting Used to it.

I think when anything traumatic in life happens or something that is life altering you go through all the regular stages of trying to accept what is now. Sometimes you go through those stages over and over for years or even the rest of your life. Sometimes you find yourself in a better place, sometimes not. I look back at my life with Makenzie. My life when she was healthy and home. The good we had. Then I think about when she was sick. I think about how scary things were and how everyday was so unknown. I think about being in that hospital room with her every second just waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting to go home. Waiting for the end. I think about the day she died. I think about watching that clock. Wishing it would just slow down. Wishing I could just take her home and have our last day be better than sitting in a dark room trying to keep my sick little girl comfortable. I think about holding her body as it went limp. Knowing this was now my life. Life without her. Life with a child in heaven. I was now going to be one of those sad people. One of those people who would break my heart every time I heard their story. One of those people that I always wished I could say something to that would help them feel better but never knew what to say so I would avoid them. That was now my life. I think about the days after. That morning after was absolutely painful. I screamed. I cried harder than I had cried my entire life up until that point. I laid in my husbands arms thinking of my baby's cold body at the morgue. I think about picking out the casket, the flowers, the program, the tomb, the songs, the lunch-in. I think about picking out her headstone. I think about all those days after she died. I think about how life suddenly became a routine. A series of events repeated over and over in order to simply survive. I think about those moments Ryan would find me. Hiding in a corner buried in Makenzies clothes. Laying on the floor in the middle of her room screaming. Those times I refused to do anything and threatened to stop breathing. Begged him to just end it all with me. Asking if we could just go together. I didn't want to leave him but I couldn't imagine waking up another morning with this pain.
I wonder how he did it. How he survived. Somehow he was always there. Pulling me from the darkest hours. I have spent hours/days/months worrying about him. Fearing he was being so strong but would someday crumble like me. We talked. Daily. about missing her. About how she was here and that she is still real. I think that was the best thing for both of us. To know that she is real. That our daughter died.
For some it might sound silly- to keep saying it. You would think it might hurt worse. But in reality its our life. Its real for us and we cant ignore what is. Through all of these days. Through all the firsts without her. Through all the growth. Through all the hard turns and the feeling lost moments.
We continued to breathe.

Sometimes I try to make sense of what life is today. Is it that we are not as sad anymore? Is it that we are just forgetting about that part of our life? Is it that we are just moving forward? Is it that life is getting back to some kind of normal? What is it. Why don't I cry every second like I did 2 years ago? How am I not wanting to run away from the world every time I see another child. How am I able to now smile when I see someone who is Makenzie's age instead of wanting to push that kid down and run?
It still hurts. I still cry. I still miss. I think about her every God damn second of the day. but what has changed isn't that I'm getting over anything, I'm not moving forward, I'm not going back to a normal life.
What I am doing is getting used to this life.
I am getting used to the hurt. The sadness. The forever ache in my heart. I am getting used to a life where my oldest daughter is waiting for me in heaven. I am learning how to control those sad moments so I don't make the rest of the world feel as uncomfortable as I do. I am recognizing what life was and what it is now. I am getting used to what others sometimes say or do. I am getting used to seeing life continue and I'm getting used to knowing its not going to stop just because she isn't here. I am getting used to learning how to breathe in a different way. Life isn't getting easier. The missing isn't any less.
I am just getting used to it. and by getting used to it. I can smile in a different way.


Amanda said...

Oh, Kendra. My heart is so heavy as I cry reading this post. You clearly have more strength than you realize (or can even see right now).

Alesha said...

Kendra, this totally made me cry. It is so so true. I feel like getting use to it is so hard. Somedays I do better than others. Regardless is still just totally sucks. :( ♥

~Erin said...

Wow! What a beautiful but sad post. I am in tears just reading this and actually feel stupid commenting at all for I have no words of real comfort that would even come close to making it even a tiny bit better for you. Just know that you have so many people, me included who think and pray for you and Ryan and who wish we could take even a fraction of your pain and hurt away.
I wish nothing but happiness for you all and this new wonderful life you are creating because you deserve that.


Kristalynn said...

Very well put.

Auntie EM said...

I sometimes think what I went through and what you and Ryan went through is simply unbelieveable. How did we do it? I really can't tell you. I feel the same way. I had to come to a point in my life that I had to try something different. I haven't forgetten how hard it was and it still really hurts but.....there had to be a way to be happy again, and as I've said before, I wanted to not just get through life but really, really live it. It would not do justice to those I love who are no longer here on earth to be so sad all the time. My situation is so different from yours. A mother should never, ever lose their child. It goes against nature but losing a spouse....oh, isn't easy to sleep alone, eat alone, pray alone, go to the show alone, go to restaurants along, think make decisions alone, and to drive places alone. Well, you get the idea. But I think we've both come very far. Time cannot erase all the hurt. I don't think it is supposed to. But those days, months, and years do give our hearts and our minds the time to heal. Time gave me a chance to find a way to deal with the pain and hurting and find a place where it is not front and center all the time. I hope it is the same with you and Ryan. My little Braxton helped me to heal. His life was not meant to do that but miraculously it did - he will know someday how much it meant to me to have his dad, mother and him in my life. Of course, a new person will never replace a lost love but my new person has brought joy back into my life. I have a feeling your new baby will bring a lot of healing into your life - not to replace Kenzie - but this child will give you and Ryan will be parents again. It will be wonderful. Your children will know about Kenzie because you will tell them about her and how marvelous it is for them to be siblings and to be your children. We are all connected and everyone that touches our lives is meant to be there at that time, that place, and for a special and wonderful reason. I hope you know how much you are loved and how excited we are for you and Ryan.

The Fuchs*Pietrzak's said...

I still feel this way about my husband. July will be 5 years and I still miss him like it was yesterday. I think of watching him die every single day. I resent this life I have now and compare it to the life I would have had every single day. I resent that he never got to meet his son. I am now engaged with a new baby girl, but they do not fill the holes. I will always want him here and I will always hurt. The hurt has lessened, but I still scream. I think we do just get "used" to these new lives we have now. We still yearn for the life we did or could have, but we can not live in resent forever. Filling those places with someone similar (baby, husband) does not make it go away. It just eases the pain. I hope it also makes us appreciate those that we have now, but I still struggle with that. it will be a forever battle for you and Ryan, but you will find comfort in this new baby. You are soooo strong. I have people tell me how strong I am all the time, even though I do not feel it. People see what we don't. They also don't see us behind closed doors. Stay strong.

Robin said...

I think you are healing. You are forever scared, no doubt about that, but you are in the healing process. At times you can see and feel your scar so much better than others, but other times, it seems to blend in with the world around you. You will always remember your sweet girl, and miss her and love her like crazy. She was very much here, but the unfortunate loss of your precious girl has left a scar on you, that needs to heal. You are healing, Kendra. God is helping you. Makenzie will always be remembered, never could be replaced and is so dearly loved.
I'm praying so hard for you!

brigette said...

Tears in my eyes so well put! You are so strong and amazing kendra! You have such a way with your words!! Thank you for your example and honesty. You help me through my grief more than you know! Praying for you and loving your family so much!! Great big hugs!

Jared & Shannon said...

This post makes me cry! I don't have any words of comfort to say but I just want you to know that I admire you so much for sharing your most tender feelings with the world. I am one of those people who will sometimes get overwhelmed with all the sadness in the world and I often ask God why did their child have to die, or their spouse, or why can't that perfect deserving couple get pregnant. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with the sadness of it that I forget that God has a hand in all things and that he will help us through everything because life isn't fair and heartbreaking things happen. You are so amazing and no matter what you are feeling just let yourself feel it. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you every happiness.

Megan said...


This is so beautifully written. I truly appreciate you honestly sharing your feelings with the world, with us. It's amazing. Someone once told me that when someone you desperately love dies, you never get over the hurt and it never goes away. Instead, your heart just gets stronger in it's ability to cope with the hurt. I thought that was a really good way to make sense of losing someone.
Megan G.


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