Sunday, December 11, 2011

Last Bath

The morning of December 13th 2009 they let me give Makenzie her last bath.
We had pretty much cleared the room out by this point. It was really empty. I knew I didn't want to carry all of her things to the car that night so our family took everything the night before. 
We put the "tub" on her bed, 
made sure the water was the perfect very warm temperature 
and I gave her an extra long bath.
I never wanted to stop. I didn't want that to be it. I massaged her arms and legs. I rubbed her head and neck. I made sure to keep drizzling water all over her body so she would stay warm. Smelling those smells. Trying to savor every second of this part of my life. Know in hours it would be all over. 
The majority of that memory is foggy. I couldn't see through the tears that were impossible to hold back.

She had gotten so long in those few weeks she was in the hospital. She almost didn't fit in that bucket anymore. We padded the back for extra relaxation comfort.
After she turned into a raisin and the water became cool I took her out.
Wrapped her in a towel and gently dried off every inch of her tiny body.
I didn't rush. This was it. Never again. I rubbed lotion into her skin and kissed her about a million times.
I wanted to pick her up and just hold her. Just wrap her in my arms and never let go. 

I dressed her.
I sat down and held her.
Then it ended.

In less than 48 hours it will mark 2 years.


Rebecca said...

This is so heart breaking. I'm so sorry. I'm sure it feels like a nightmare still. But she was a beautiful little girl. Hugs to you for being as strong as you are. Even though its been two years, I am positive, it never gets easier

sarah and jeremy said...

U don't know me, but I feel like I know u so well. I've been following your blog for a bit now and I'm truly touched by your words. I can't express how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter. No mother should have to go through that. You are so strong and I look up to u. I pray that u will find happiness again, that u will be blessed with a child however it may be. If u don't mind, I'm going to add u to my blog list, I can't help but follow your story, it's so touching :)

crystal said...

Oh Kendra,
My heart is breaking for you. I just wish that there was something I could do to help your broken heart. If I could, I would bring back every baby that has left this Earth too soon. All we can do now is work for our goal and that is to get to Heaven so we can be with our Angels again. That is the hope that I have and it keeps me going. I will be sending up extra prayers for you and Ryan.

Mindee said...

My heart is so sad for you, this must be such a hard time of the year. She is such a beautiful baby girl, and your a beautiful mother! I dont possible know how you must have been feeling in those last moments, my heart goes out to your loving family. I just know without a shadow of a doubt, that she is in Heaven, and she is waiting for you to come see her and hold her again. To be reunited together as an eternal family! Ill be thinking of you during this time especially : )

Ryan,Erika,Kaylee and Khloe Pettersson said...

I'm bawling my eyes out. I want to so badly say something to you, to explain the pain I feel inside for you, to explain what I feel when I look at these pictures of that beautiful baby of yours, but I can't. I'm speechless. When I just try to imagine.... It hurts worst than anything.
You lived it. You were there and you survived it. I have no.idea. how. You are amazing Kendra. I have never met you and I feel so much love for you. For Mackenzie. She looks so sweet, beautiful, patient and perfect. Her eyes are what always gets me. I wish you could hold her, kiss her, hug her.... All I can do is to pray that you will feel comfort, her presence and God's arms around you during these special days. I admire you. You are my hero.
Love, Erika

Anonymous said...

Kenzie is so beautiful. I love her long graceful legs. I can picture her dancing and smiling, loving that you and Ryan showed her so much love. I am praying for you and Ryan to be strong for her. For you. Thank you for sharing your most personal thoughts. I feel so blessed to be able to read your blog.

Sharla said...

I really don't know what to say. I never post comments on any blogs that I read but truly your story has touched my soul in a way that I have never experienced before. I started crying the moment I saw Makenzie's first picture. I could barely see through my tears by the second picture and all I could think of is how BEAUTIFUL your Kenzie is. She seems so bright eyed and peaceful. It looks as tho at your worst, your Kenzie was there comforting you and Ryan. She understood what was going on and was letting you know that she would be ok and that you would be too. I cant imagine what you went through that day and every day since then and truthfully hope I never will but I truly believe that Kenzie was right that day. You are ok because she is with you every second of every day and every step of the way. Please know that I think of your family often especially Makenzie with her beautiful red dress and adorable headband she wore for your family pictures. And from now on i will also remember those pretty red toe nails. You are an amazing mother and I will continue to pray for the delivery of your next precious baby!


Jessica and Reece said...

Kendra, I so wish I could take all that pain and hurt away. I cannot imagine going through what you have gone through, walking where you have walked and doing the things you have had to do. Sweet, sweet Kenzie has touched so many lives, and you are truly one of the strongest, most loving, most giving mothers I have ever known. I KNOW that you will be able to give Kenzie a bath again. I KNOW that you will be able to give her a million baths someday -- this is not the end. I will be thinking of you and your little family and sending up extra prayers as you go through what I'm sure will be a difficult week. I love you!

Dean and Rachel said...

Your daughter is so beautiful. The pictures are heartbreaking. I can't even being to imagine what you went through and continue to. You are in my prayers! You are amazing!!!

Melissa said...

Kendra, you can tell me to shut up or whatever you need to do, but I have a question. I was under the impression that when your sweet baby passed away it was because everything else had been tried. Please don't get me wrong, I have never been in your situation so I have nothing to compare it to. I had imagined in my head a very sickly looking baby, these pictures of her last bath, she is BEAUTIFUL and looks relatively healthy. Again, I am NOT here to judge, just curious as to what exactly happened to make you and Ryna decide? That must have been horrible for you, I can't imagine the pain you go through. I can't wait to hear news that you are preggers! I KNOW it will happen for you. You and Ryan made a perfect little angel, I am so sorry for the hurt in your hearts. Thank you for sharing your story. I really hope my question did not upset you, it was not my intention.

Laura said...

My heart broke reading this. This is something no mother should ever have to do. You are one strong woman that I truly admire.

Praying for you and your family during this difficult time.

Sending love.


Mari said...

Kendra & Ryan,
Such beautiful, beautiful photos.
So glad you had this tubby time with Mackenzie.
Wow that girl has long legs!
Loooove her nail polish--stylin babe!
Sending you tender thoughts and love.

lovejoy_31 said...

I don't know you, but I am reading the post and typing through tears. She was absolutely beautiful and my heart breaks every time I think about the decision you guys had to make. Love the pic of her painted piggies. Hauntingly stunning pics and post.

NattyB's Mom said...


Your story has touched me so much, you are an incredibly strong person. I have a 20 month old daughter and another daughter on the way even to imagine what you have gone through is just too painful. Mckenzie is a beautiful little girl and you are doing a wonderful job keeping her memory alive. I pray that you get your Christmas miracle and receive the news that you will once again have another baby to hold in your arms.

Rosalie said...

What a beautiful memory! What a GREAT send off and tribute! The Savior did one last act of service before he was crucified too. He washed and anointed his disciples feet. You were her Savior that day, you know that hon...You had given her life and you had made it the VERY best life she could have ever dreamed of...then you made it easy for her to say goodbye and made it comfortable and relaxing. You made the ultimate sacrifice and she loves you more every day for setting her free...she loves you more every day as she watches you grieve and misses you just as much...Much love hon!

Julie said...

My heart is BREAKING reading this right now! How many times do we rush our little ones through their bath because we have to get someplace?

I should have learned better than to read your blog while at work... crying once again.

Anonymous said...

How you could go through all this without breaking down, I don't know. My thoughts are with you.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry. Reliving this all the time sounds like a nightmare. She is the prettiest baby. I love her long legs and painted toes. Her cute face with her hands in her mouth. I can see why you want to eat her up. It seems so long until you get to hold her and be with her again. What a perfect angel.

CTownsley said...

So, so, so incredibly sad.

You are an inspiration. You are so unbelievably strong.

Praying for you and your family.

Much love,

Shawna said...

Prayers for you as always Kendra. I don't remember seeing these pictures or hearing this part of her story before -- I am in tears, as often when I read your blog. I pray God will comfort you in the next few days and especially tomorrow. I pray you remember, though it may not always bring you comfort, that this is not the end for any of you.

Alesha said...

I love her little toenails! Is that your As I lay me down to sleep bracelet? I have a very similar one. So special. I can't imagine it being two year!

Unknown said...

What beautiful memories you have of your daughter. I think you and your husband are very special parents to let your baby go be with God. God bless you both.

Meagan said...

Hi, Kendra. I have been following your blog for a little while now but have never commented. I couldn't pass it up this time. This post, along with others, had tears streaming down my face. One of the reasons I never comment is because I never know what to say. I can't fathom what you have been through. I'm so sorry you had to lose your beautiful daughter. How comforting to know she's in the Lord's hands and is healthy and breathing perfectly. I can't imagine having to face the situation you found yourself in, and making the tough decisions as selflessly as you did. I admire you. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful. I hope you are filled with peace and comfort this holiday season. Thanks for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

I'm so increbly sorry that you have gone and continue to go through such pain. You're amazing and so is that little red toe nailed cutie girl of yours. I think and pray for you often. Thank you for your honestly.


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