Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Eve.

Our only Christmas with our baby.
It was actually on December 12th.
That December 25th didn't feel like Christmas at all.
I don't even remember the last time it felt like "Christmas"
The year before Kenzie was born I guess.
I don't remember that life.
Its all a bit fuzzy.
Life really began the day she was born.

Our Christmas Eve this year was a day of working.
I came home and we opened our PJ's, watched a movie and ate a yummy dinner.
Now I just want to go to bed and never wake up.
Or wake up and have life be so much different.

No Makenzie.
No baby.
and every other detail in life completely up in the air.

Every. single. second. hurts
I want to be happy. I want to have a good Christmas.
We did a lot to help others this year.
It helped us feel better. In those moments.
But then we came home. To an empty house. To stare at each other. Both wanting the same thing. 
More than anything. Praying harder than we have ever prayed. 
Every second of the day I am on the verge of a complete break down. A dumb song, a mom pushing a stroller, a baby store, a Christmas outfit, presents, a movie. 
Everything is screaming the same thing. 
Everything is screaming at me. 
Screaming Makenzie. Screaming a family.
How do I stop this?
How to I put these thoughts aside to focus on what Christmas is about. To focus on family. To focus on other people. I want to. I use every ounce of me to do that. But the hurt just wont go away.
The longing to be a Mom. 
The wishing I still had my little girl in my arms.
Knowing this lifetime is taking way to long.
My body is restless.
It cant stop moving. Its like my mind is on a race and wont stop. My body is doing everything possible to keep up. To distract itself. To stop the hurting. My brain is just heavy. It can only do so much before it can only think of my baby. 

I will now go to sleep early holding that blanket. 
Snuggling her Dad.
Dreaming. with. her
and tomorrow ill wake up. Imagine the morning I wish we were living. and make the most of the day.
Celebrate Jesus.
Give thanks for his life.

Merry Christmas.


Kim Sheely said...

Thinking of you and Ryan tonight. I wish I could take the sting away. I wish that for one day your heart could be whole. I am sooooo sorry this is your trial. I will hold you in my prayers and heart tomorrow (as always). Tonight, my kids and I were making a cake for Jesus' birthday and I thought of you. I wonder what the celebration of his birth is like in heaven. Immediately, I thought of Makenzie celebrating with him in heaven. How amazing that must be. I hope that gives you some peace, knowing she is celebrating beyond our wildest imaginations. I hope this new year brings you and Ryan a new little peanut. God has big plans for you, I can feel it when I pray for you. I wish you from the bottom of my heart a Merry Christmas! God bless you Kendra.
With Love,

Auntie EM said...

I wish I had wise words for you tonight but......I have nothing to say that will make the heartache and wishing go away. I visited her today - well, all of them. I miss them all so very much. I will think of you and Ryan tonight and will pray you find the kind of peace I know only the Savior of the world can bring. I love you and Ryan. Merry Christmas, honey.

Kami Satterlee said...

hugs my blogging friend.

Ronja said...

I wish you a merry christmas, even though it must be so hard. I hope you got to dream of Mackenzie! I pray that by next christmas you will carry a baby, in your arms or your belly. Stay strong! All the best from Germany. Ronja

Anonymous said...

Don't know what to say, don't know how to help ease the pain. Fully understand why you are aching so badly. You'll be a Mom and Dad in action some time again, but it's now that matters. You are trying damn' hard, you are fighting and it exhausts you. But you have each other. Never forget. You have each other.
With love, V.

Shelby said...

Your heart sounds so heavy with hurt...I pray you can have peace this Christmas Day, if even just for a moment :) Merry Christmas!

Auntie EM said...

Merry Christmas, Kendra and Ryan.

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me, I pray.
Bless all the dear children
In thy tender care
And fit us for Heaven
To live with thee there.

Love, Trent, Cort, Braxton and Aunt Mary

Emma said...

Thinking of you, Ryan and sweet Kenzie today and always. I can't imagine how tough it is to not be celebrating with her in your arms, but I hope you feel her presence, her love, and the peace she brings to you on this day. Hold tight to one another, I know the coming year is going to bring so many wonderful things for you all. Love you, Em

Erin said...

Hugs. My heart breaks for you.

Amanda said...

Makenzie was so absolutely beautiful and without a shadow of a doubt it's crystal clear how loved she was while she was here and still is. I just came upon your blog recently, but I check back almost daily. For what it's worth, you and James will be held in my heart as I pray tonight. I am just so incredibly sorry for your pain.

While I do not know what it's like to lose a child or even miscarry, I carried quite the burden with infertility for several years before being blessed with my twins so I do understand the longing in your heart to be a mom. Please don't think I'm comparing my situation to yours, though! Not one bit. I just know the pain of wanting to be pregnant and to be a mommy.

Unknown said...

Third time's the charm. Third time's the charm. Third time's the charm. Dear Lord: Please let the third time be the charm. Sending you every single ounce of baby-making juju I can. Love and hope and hugs.

Candace said...

Merry Christmas Kendra & Ryan.. I hope next year somehow, someway, it feels like Christmas for you! Lots of love

Robin said...

I wish there was something I could say to help you. I know there is not, but please know I am praying so hard for you and Ryan. You deserve to be happy, with a baby again. I know you will again, but until then, I pray for comfort and peace in your life. We are all here for you!

Monica said...

Wishing you a peaceful and happy New Year!

Amanda said...

Sorry for the typo! I meant Ryan, not James. D'oh.

Toni ~ Mom to 8 heavenly Angels and 1 earthly Angel. said...

Just wanted to send you some much needed (((Hugs)) and I wish you had Kenz here with you.


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