Friday, April 23, 2010

no title

i have tried to start a post several times now and nothing. i don't know what to say. sometimes i feel i shouldn't be so honest- other times i just don't care. i write on this blog for myself, for family and friends to read, to make new friends but mainly so that if/when someone else is going through this same thing- they may stumble upon this blog and feel they can relate to someone. if they have similar feelings as me they wont feel alone and maybe they can read ahead at the journey i have traveled and it might help them. i know i have learned from other blogs- other peoples lives. i have even learned from lives that seem on the outside "perfect" those blogs that you just sit there and think- hmmm, if only. i know their life isn't perfect they just are not as public as some and don't want their dirty laundry all over the internet. TOTALLY understandable. sometimes i think i shouldn't put my dirty laundry out here. however- i feel i have been given this challenge, this hell for a reason. i don't know the reason. i don't understand it. even if i did understand i probably wouldn't agree because it means not having her.
...but...i am trying though. I'm trying to move through life and become stronger. ideally i hope that at some point someone who is going through this same trial in life could come to my blog see where i was and see what i became. i hope its something great. i hope its something they look up to. right now- i don't see that point. i wish i could write I'm doing well, I'm moving forward, we are feeling more peace, we are not so sad all the time, we are living. unfortunately but understandably I'm so not there. this last weekend was- to put it lightly- hard.
i lost my mind.
i don't feel i was of a clear, right state of mind at all during that weekend.
i will update in another post what i did and the updates of our life but for this post i just have to write.
i have been having these weird moments where i know makenzie is not here but i cant stop myself from doing actions like she was. i will pick out clothes for her to wear, i will buy her things at the store, i will plan something around her schedule. i know what I'm doing but then i don't. its very confusing. after sometime- usually a couple hours but occasionally it takes a few days before my mind becomes clear and i look back and survey they damage i have done.
its not damage like i hurt someone or myself, its damage like spending $200 on things she will never use. its damage like buying a new puppy out of no where just because i couldn't walk away from it, its damage like wasting hours or even days in this fantasy world.
it scares me sometimes. i cant stop myself. i cant talk myself out of it. those moments hurt.
what am i don't to try and help myself?
...counseling...talking with certain friends or family...ryan...learning to talk to myself...
there are times i am wanting so badly that i become numb, tingly, weak. those times are also scary. when I'm driving esp. i will become limp and it takes all my energy just to keep my car on the road. i try to distract myself most of the day. I'm learning tricks to do it but there are times that no matter what i do i cant distract myself and I'm consumed with images of her. the image i imagine most but wish i didn't, is the moment she was taking her last breath. i stare at her face, her lips, her body. that moment was horrible mainly because she was leaving me. i wanted to yell and scream and tell her to come back but all i could say was that i was here and that i love her. i wanted her to feel peace and love, i didn't want her to feel guilt that she was going.
i miss her terribly. i know that will never go away- but this sharp, numbing, uncontrollable pain i hope will ease. i hate, and cant, and refuse to think about the lifetime i have without her. its only been 4 months- how do i make it hundreds more?
to be honest-
sometimes i feel i might not live a full lifetime. sometimes i feel God will let me come home and see her sooner than 60 years from now. i have to say i hope so. i hope Ryan comes with me. i want us to be a family again. i want us to hold each other and know we are never going to have to let go again. maybe its my wishing that makes me think i wont have to live to be an old lady or maybe its something else telling me to live the life i have now because its not going to live 60 more years. I'm not sure. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to make a difference and while doing it- ill keep makenzie with me every step of the way. i will take her on adventures, i will show people her life. i will inspire people through her story. i mean seriously- there are not many adults who can say they did all that she did in their whole life. she is special. there are other special angels out there that to, did so much in such a short time. the world deserves to know them.
they need to know her.


Pink said...

I have been reading your posts for a while now, and this one by far seems to be your darkest post yet. I have no clue what you are going through so I wont even try to say I do. But I will tell you what I do see. I see a mother that lost her daughter and made it matter. I see someone that is trying to help other people through her pain. And I see a person who ONE HANDEDLY started a leggings campaign that will help so many other mothers and children. I realize that everyone has his or her dark days. And I can see that you are having one today. But look back at all of the good you are doing try to find that fuzzy feeling you get when you do good for someone else. LIKE YOU ARE DOING. And bask in that.... I’m so awed by someone that has enough umph to get out there and make a difference. And you my dear are making a big one! Keep up the good works!!!

Emma said...

Kendra, I wish I could wrap you in my arms and hug you....I know it wouldn't take away the pain but I would love to be there to comfort you in some tiny, small way.
I think it is so important you post honestly, even if you don't put it on your blog, that you write it out....You need to vent, you need to let yourself feel, to let yourself grieve. Everyone grieves differently and I hope it helps to read how others are dealing...but don't compare where you are at with them, everyone deals in such different ways and there is no 'right' way. You do what you need to do in the moment. As for still acting like she is here, I think that is very natural. You want her here, you dream of her here and you just desperately want life to be like it was 'supposed to be'. When you do those things, don't feel bad or guilty or upset, just take it as part of the process. Maybe one day you will be able to donate the things you buy to someone in need, or find some other wonderful place for them-all things happen for a reason, even buying things yo don't need!
I wish you weren't in this place, and like you I don't understand why parents are in these positions, but I hope one day we will find out the reason. I trust there is one and if anything I know that Kenzie has taught so many people to live life to the fullest, the love what they have, to appreciate life...I know that doesn't make up for you wanting her here, of course you would trade all the lessons you and everyone has learned to have her in your arms, but there is so much good from her amazing life-and what you continue to do. You are teaching so much, you are plannign fundraisers that will touch so many people....her life is still touching people, through you.
Kendra, I wish I could pull you up, help you through this in some way but all I have right now is words...and not even the 'right' ones....I am so sorry. you are in my thoughts and prayers always and I will be asking Kenzie to hold you tighter, to let you feel the peace you gave to her overcome you...she loves you so much and she knows your love for her.
Love and hugs to you and Ryan, Em

Elodie said...

Dear Kendra,

You don't know me, I'm a friend of a friend, and I have been following your blog since the day your sweet girl could only join you in your dreams.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your husband.
I am so sorry that you have to live through that, and you're right don't ask yourself why, it would not help you. Just ask for you can survive one day at the time. Sometimes it's all we can do, surviving one day at a time.

I do know one thing, is that families are eternal, so one day it will happen, you will be again with your beautiful girl.

If I could I would give you a very big hug.

Thank you for making me a better mother.



Cox Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cox Family said...

Oh Kendra...

It is posts like today's where my heart just breaks for you! I have commented before but I find myself checking your blog daily. Something about Kenzie's story has touched my heart. I wish there was something that could be said to bring you just a little peace. I pray for your family daily and hope that in time your sadness will lessen and your mind is full of just wonderful amazing Kenzie moments!


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are having such a bad day. I have been following your blog for some time now and it helps me every time I read it. I lost my daughter a year ago and what you are going through I have gone through. I would like to say it gets better, but I'm not there yet. I love how you are able to express your feelings so honestly. You have all your feeling down somewhere so you can go back and read how you were feeling at the moment. I wish I would of had this talent. I feel like I'm losing part of her because I didn't write things down and I can't remember everything because I have been in a fog for so long. Sometime I read your blog and it reminds me of some of the things I went through. I would go shopping and go to the baby section to buy stuff all the time. Thank You for helping me and so many. You have a GREAT talent. Kenzie and Ryan are proud of you. My thought and prayers are with you and your family.

brigette said...

Kendra I am so sorry!! This road is so hard and sucks so bad!! Don't worry though these feelings are normal. I hope to give u some hope that it does get some better. You will get to a point that it doesn't hurt so bad... Not all the time but sometimes. This fog you talk about is so hard it consumes your life... I'm not to the point of no fog yet and I'm about 18 months out from loosing kael but I can say some days now are good and not so hard. Reality... Some days suck and I get so mad I want to throw stuff and can't stop crying! Please don't stop writing this!!! This helps me feel normal even though out normail sucks!! Honesty is KEY!!! Thanks for your example and your amazing daughter!! I'd still love to get together! When your ready!!

Kristen said...


I have come back to your post a couple of times now wanting to say something and then not knowing exactly what to say. I remember the 'fuzzy' days all too clearly and I still have moments where I feel that way.
After losing Georgia I could barely leave the house. My anxiety level was too high and I couldn't face everybody. I actually entitled one of my posts 'Crazyland'. Feel free to go back and read it.
I always felt the urge to try to run away but of course that really wasn't an option. So, I started running physically on a treadmill. Now, I am a terrible runner and an asthmatic but over time setting new goals and sweating it out started to clear my head ever so slowly. I also planted a garden in our backyard in Georgia's memory. This gave me something beautiful to focus on and left me with long quiet hours working on something incredible. I realize now that when I am in the garden I am actually in a state of meditation. It is amazingly calming and I feel closer to Georgia when I am in nature.
While it sounds unconventional Mike has discovered a new love of baking. He loves to try out all kind of new bread recipes which keeps him busy and focused on something rather creative.
These are some of the things that have helped us clear our heads and manage our grief. I'm not saying that these are the things for you or even that you shouldn't have those 'fuzzy' days - they are completely normal.
All that I am trying to say is that if there is something that you love or have been wanting to try and will still allow you to focus on Mackenzie consider it. You may actually be surprised how it does help.
I'm not trying to sound like an expert here or somebody that knows exactly how you feel. I am just sharing some of the things that have helped us and I am really hoping that you don't mind.
My heart breaks for you as you struggle forward.
Sending you love, strength and prayers,

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

You have every right to every feeling that you have. She is a part of you, not was a part of you. She always will be. My little man has been gone 11 years now and it seems like yesterday I held him in my arms and said good-bye. Life does go on even though you don't know how it will. It literally took me 2 years to get out of my depression over losing him. It will take you a while too. When someone consumes your life, your whole world revolves around them and that doesn't change overnight. Take care of yourself Kendra and try to keep your chin up.


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