Monday, April 5, 2010

this day

not sure why but this holiday was especially hard on both ry and i.
we kept thinking about
last year.
all we could think about was what we were going to do next year. this year.
it was suppose to be so different.

as i keep moving through this process- this earthly life.
these trials. these reality's. I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to grow. i want to be someone my daughter looks at and is proud to call her mom.
i want to be like her.
thanks to my ''dr. pepper angel''
I'm learning i might be able to do this- one second at a time.
this year this holiday was more than the eggs/dresses/baskets/candy.
it made me think of the reason.
forever happiness.
that means- i can hold her again. i can kiss her again. i can look at her face again.
although i still cant admit those words.
i cant say those words together.
i know it.
she is with Jesus.
and because of him- he will give her back to me. someday.
i wish i could be more simple, live a simple life, wish for simple things and live in a simple world.
ehh... but i don't.
i don't understand.
i don't understand why.
but I'm trying to live and push through the unknown.
...i will know...
i cant wait for that day. i cant wait for that moment.
i imagine running, faster than i have ever run before.
i imagine her.
my someone holding her.
she is smiling and reaching for her mama.
i imagine that new beginning.
the beginning to our new life.
i cant wait to hold that body-
to leg those legs dangle past my hips-
to let those arms squeeze my neck-
to smell that smell-
to feel her skin-
to soak in every ounce of her.


that day- the worst day.
will be in the past. it will be understood.
and our new day will be.


Tara Bennett said...

This is beautiful, Kendra. You really should write a book. I thought of Kenzie yesterday when I pondered the atonement and the resurrection and that special someday when you will be re-united. I'm sorry yesterday was hard for you, but grateful you have hope in eternity. {{HUGS}}

Emma said...

Kenzie is already SO proud of you, SO proud to call you her Mommy and I know she can't wait for the day she gets to wrap her arms around you too! I know she is in good hands, she is at peace, she is loved...without question, and I am glad you are feeling that way, no matter how hard it is at the same time. When the day comes to be in one anothers arms it will be amazing, incredible and it will make all the horrible pain here worthwhile, you will be with her for eternity....oh what a joyous day that will be! Until then, keep doing what you are doing. Keep taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time...each step you take makes Kenzie so proud of you, she sees your strength, even in your tears. You are incredible, the best mom she could have been given and although we all wish we knew 'why', I hope you at least know why you were given her to begin with....because He knew you would be perfect for her!

"When you are sorrowful, Look again in your heart And you shall see that, in truth, That for which you are weeping Has been your delight. " ---author unknown

Love and hugs, Em

Unknown said...

I thought of you as I listened to a talk yesterday for General Conference. I can't remember who it was by- but when I get the Ensign I will look it up for you. He talked of how we take our children to get immunizations. We know at the time that it will cause a certain amount of pain. We know they will cry, however, we do this because we know the benefits of getting vaccinated. We know that it could potentially prevent certain diseases and sickness. Just as we know this our Heavenly Father knows the beginning from the end. He knows all- and has a plan for each of us. And one day- we will each know of this plan and the reasons we endured certain trials in our life. During the difficult times it is our faith in our Heavenly Father that carries us to know that His will be done. His will is always done in our best interest.
When I was in college and took a scripture class I remember we were talking of "our time" vs. our Heavenly Fathers time. My professor told us that when we return to live with our Heavenly Father we will have been gone- but a twinkling of an eye. Just think in Kenz's time in Heaven- she will have been gone from your arms- maybe about the amount of time you would have put her down to dry your hair :) How lucky for Kenz! Sorry our time is so much longer!! I do know you will pick up right where you left off- and have eternity to spend making up for lost time!

Andrea said...

You are an amazing person and I am sure Kenzie is amazed that you are her mother and that you love her so much. She will always be proud of you and your strength. I am sorry that this Easter was so hard on you, but glad that you were able to think about what you want to do in order to be better. I know I was doing that very same thing. Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

Alerie said...

I am sorry that yesterday was so hard for you and Ryan. I can't imagine. Just know that you are amazing and I know Makenzie is so proud to call you her mommy!! She knows you are special, because God chose you to be her mommy. I too was thinking a little more yesterday about the true meaning of Easter. It really is such an amazing thing!! I know that when the day comes that you all meet again, that it will be the most amazing day!! Words don't even do it justice on how incredible it will be. You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Much love!!

p.s. - i love the pictures with her hands over her face/eyes. there is something about babies and having their hands on their face or rubbing their eyes, that i just love.

Jenni said...

I LOVED that post!!! I'm so glad you can see things in that light. Not that it makes things any easier for now...but maybe it does...just a little. What a test of faith this is for you. I'm glad that you know she is with Jesus. Wouldn't it be terrible to not have that understanding and to believe that there is nothing after this life. I'm glad that you can, at least, lean on the knowledge that God is real, and that He does care for these sweet spririts who pass on before we do. It doesn't make what happened fair, but it makes life hopeful with that knowledge. Thinking of you...

Tristan said...

President Monson gave the most beautiful talk during the Sunday morning session of general conference. I thought of you and your sweet baby the whole entire time! Did you listen to it? If not, look it up from the church website: I think it should be posted there soon so you can listen to it live or read it. I really loved it and I felt so encouraged, inspired, and reassured! I hope his message brings you peace as you listen to it too! :)

brigette said...

What a good way to look @ this! You are really amazing!! I hope to be as strong as you! Thanks always for your insight!!

Anonymous said...


I thought of you guys often this weekend. Esp during the conference talks there where many that I thought would help you just a bit. You are an amazing person. I pray for you often.

Lots a love~


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