photos

I'm in the process of getting some of my pictures organized and trying to find some space in my house to put pictures of baby T when he arrives. All of our shelves and walls are covered with our muffin which is fine but our boy does deserve a pic or two displayed somewhere. So the picture redo is in progress. I knew I couldn't just take her pictures out and put his in. I needed to redo it all. That way I could make sure it was equal without feeling like I was taking her pictures down. I found some really fun ideas on pinterest (where else) and cant wait till its finished. The best part is I have everything I need already and don't need to buy a single thing. and I have about a billion pictures already printed that are sitting in a drawer so that helps on the printing costs. Ill take some before and after pics. I'm doing this faux canvas style collage on the wall in our living room. I hope it turns out good.

well while I was searching through photos I came across these little gems.

Oh how I miss that girl.

She was so funny about her fingers and hands.

All she wanted was to put her whole fist into her mouth and she would be happy.

It just wasn't fair they were usually covered with needles and iv's so it was not possible.

This is bath time and her expressions when I would take her hand away from her face.

-- ryan is bathing her here and notice the death stare she is giving me out of the corner of her eye but goes right back to getting those fingers in her mouth and looking at her dad within seconds --

She is such a love.

I cant believe how much I miss her sometimes.

I feel like there is no way I can possibly take another breath.

There are moments, like when I see these pictures, I will become numb. My fingers tingle and when I close my eyes I can actually feel her. I can feel her fingers. Her arms. I can feel that water. I can feel the wash cloth in my hands and I can smell everything about that moment.

Its just impossible to imagine feeling this for the rest of my life.

I just cant grasp the fact that there will never be any closure to this feeling. There is never going to be a day that ill be all better. There will forever be this empty sick pain. This intense missing that completely stops me dead in my tracks.

As much as this hurts. As much as I just wish it would ease up.

I know the only way that would be possible is to forget her.

and that is something that will never happen. and something I never want to happen.

I need to feel that hurt.

I need to miss.

I need to have this empty place in my soul.

Its the reality of her.

Its the reminder of the life I did have with her.

25 Weeks

How far along? 25 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Stretch marks? So I cant remember when I started to notice these pesky buggers with Makenzie but so far I haven't got any new ones and the old ones have faded more and more. I have no idea if all my lotions and oils are really helping that much or if its the mass amount of water I'm drinking daily but whatever it is- its working.
Best moment this week: Getting the dresser painted, finally getting one of those amazing snow cones and spending a great weekend with my Ryan.
Miss Anything? Sushi. Having some serious cravings for that stuff.
Movement: Oh yes. Its been so fun watching my belly go into random spasms. T has kicked Harley on more than 1 occasion and Harley will sit up and tilt her head while watching my stomach. He is not such a lover of when someone is touching the belly. He wont move a muscle and it takes a few minutes for him to get back into the kicking mode.
Food Cravings: Snow cones. There is this little trailer they turned into a snow cone shack and its heavenly. I finally indulged yesterday and got me one. and I savored every last bite.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Hooray for a good week! I haven't been sick for one second. but my smell has all the sudden kicked into stink mode. Everything stinks to me. I will sniff out anything anywhere and that has made it a little harder eating lately. If it stinks I cant eat it.
Gender: BOY. Oh how I cant wait to meet this little man.
Labor Signs: These braxton hicks have not eased up one bit. but nothing more than that.
Symptoms: Back is hurting again, contractions, little energy, super emotional and quite uncomfortable sleeping.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: This week has been better on the irrational emotional side but not so much on the regular emotional side. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat.
for example--- I came home the other day to find an injured bird in my backyard. I called Ryan in sheer panic and was a mess while he told me not to touch it and he would come home and help it. I couldn't wait the 10 more minutes for him to get home and tried to catch the little bird myself but it kept biting me and going into small spaced that I couldn't bend my big fat body around to get it. I sat outside watching it closely until Ryan finally got home and whether it was fear or an instant miracle that damn bird just flew away when Ryan started walking towards it.
That was a very emotional few minutes.
Looking forward to: I am sure all of you have a countdown calendar for baby T so I don't need to tell you that we are just 4 days away from being under 100 days until he makes his appearance. I cant believe it. We are almost out of the triple digits and into the double. Woo Hoo...

I know I have been having a really hard time emotionally lately but I honestly am so happy this little boy is coming into our lives. He is an incredible blessing and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't thank God several times for sending him to us. I spend endless hours imagining what he will look like and who he will grow to be one day. I am so thankful Ryan is going to be his Dad. He is honestly the very best thing to ever happen to me and I am constantly amazed at the person he has grown to be. He is so anxious for T to get here and talks about him all the time. I think about how life would be with Makenzie here on a daily basis. I imagine an almost 3 year old running this house and how life would be with a new baby on the way. I wonder how she would be. I wonder what her personality would be like. That life seems perfect. I know we will have that someday. I know we will all be together again and I just cant wait. I pray we can teach T everything about his sister and he grows up knowing she will forever watch over him. That she is there and that he feels her at all times.
We are just a couple weeks away from the third trimester. We don't have too much time left until our home is full again. Oh what an amazing feeling that will be.

Memorial Day and Pinterest

Memorial Day is the second best holiday around our house. The second only because the very best holiday is the deer hunt. Yes that is a holiday and everything else around us must stop for this special occasion. Memorial Day is the second best holiday because that's the weekend those boys load up all their 4wheelers, camo gear, bow and arrows and silly toys like pellet guns and sling shots and head south to open the cabin for the summer. It used to be a family thing where we all got to go and open the cabin but a few years ago that was changed and its BOYS ONLY! Honestly I don't mind so much because that means by the time we go everything is working, put together and we don't have to wait around and pray a water line didn't break in the winter. Ryan has been counting the days to go back to the cabin since the last time he was there in October. He loves that place and on several occasions tried to plan a way to live down there and still work somehow. He has grown up on that mountain and loves it more than anything. He seriously cant wait to take baby T there. Depending on when Tman gets here we might get to squeeze a weekend trip in before it gets to cold but we will have to see. If not, I fear Ryan will think he is taking him next Memorial Day and I have to sadly report that will not happen. I don't plan on letting that boy out of my sight until he is at least 18 YEARS old. I have seriously considered homeschooling him but if I want him to be anything productive in this world I guess its best to leave the teaching to the professionals.
Anyway... so with Ryan going away for a few days I had big plans of getting a lot done around the house.
painting, decorating, cleaning, organizing.
but then I found out I had to work all weekend.
and I adopted 2 little kids.
So all my plans went out the window.
Good thing my mama was there to help take care of the kids while I worked.
and when we were home we went a little crazy on pinterest activities and recipes.
They were my guinea pigs and I took full advantage.
Although I could have made homemade clay and paint with Ryan, I don't think it would have been as effective and fun.
After making several recipes and a few crafts I decided I should do a post on pinterest reviews. Strictly my opinions. That way those of you pinterest addicts like myself-- if you find something that interests you, you will have a little feedback before diving in. I make something from that site at least once a week and honestly there has been some amazing finds as well as some seriously horrid finds.
Food wise mainly.
Ill just start with what we did over the weekend and keep up to date with my different finds (good or bad) as I do it. That also gives me a place to remember some of the best ones.

My guinea pigs---
Devlin age 8
Teagan (aka-- the mini) age 4

Parmesan Chicken
Okay I will start out with this recipe because its pretty much a favorite in this house. I have made it several times so this wasn't really an experiment. There are 2 other recipes on Pinterest that I got confused with when I first started making this and we have accidentally tried the other 2 THIS ONE and THIS ONE and we ended up liking both of those as well all but we LOVE the Parmesan Chicken the best. Its the best of all of these.
and both kids loved every bit of this chicken. They both asked for seconds and ate it all.

Cinnamon Bun Cookies
So I know I'm pregnant and all so I shouldn't eat the cookie dough but I had to sample a little of it before it went in the oven and I have to say it was amazing. I couldn't wait until the cookies got out and we could gobble them right up. They were fun to make but did take a little time so don't use this recipe if you are just wanting to whip up a batch of cookies really fast. You need to put the dough in the freezer until its firm which the recipe says its only like 15 minutes or some silly number like that but it took closer to 2 hours for my dough to actually firm up. Not FREEZE but become hard enough that I could cut through it without it squishing.
I don't know if it was me or the cookies but they were not as soft as they look. They were a bit hard but I thought the cookies were actually really good.
Devlin said: "um they are okay." and finished his cookie
Teagan said: "I don't like it" and barley took a tiny bit and wouldn't even lick the frosting.
Soo this one has some mixed reviews.

Dole Pineapple Whips
Everything we made the kids picked out and they couldn't wait to try this. They love anything pineapple. It was rather simple to make but it took all day. Again this is something you have to freeze at different times and maybe my freezer is going out but their 1.5 hours took well over 4 hours to actually freeze to a slush.
We got it all made and served it up.
Devlin said" "Oh this is so yummy I love it." but didn't finish his little serving I gave him and never asked for it again.
Teagan said "Its kind of yummy but I don't want to eat it." and took maybe 3 bites and was done.
I thought it was good. Its something that on the first bit I didn't really love it but after taking a couple bites couldn't stop eating it.

Easy Crafty Clay
So this was kind of fun. We made the clay and actually put food coloring in it so it wasn't just white. We wanted purple but it turned out more grey. That's alright. After we got it all mixed together and cooled off they started creating. Making it was rather easy. Devlin had a vision to make a big D and put it in his room. He worked really hard to make it just right and finished within 30 minutes of when he began. The 4 year old girl played with hers for close to 2 hours. By the time she finally decided to be done and make it into some kind of shape it was a bit dried out and wouldn't hold together very good. We made a couple different shapes that were pretty flat and called it good. It says it can take a day or two to fully dry. The next morning Devlin was really upset to find his D split in like 5 places. We have no idea what happened. No one even touched it. There was no putting it back together on its own but super glue worked fine. His was still not completely dry. It was pretty moist in the middle so his took a couple days to actually dry all the way. Teagans looked okay but was cracking all over but she was still happy with hers.
The clean up was pretty easy and I would recommend making a solid shape that isn't very thick. Her heart did the best. All the pieces that were pieced together didn't hold after it ended up drying.

Painting with condensed milk
This was actually a fun one. Teagan and I loved it. Devlin--- not so much. Its fun for kids who just slather on the paint and is not trying to make a master piece. Its pretty stringy and thick so its hard to do intricate work. but for smaller kids I think its great. The colors are really fun. We used neon food coloring so the colors were super bright. Teagan painted her little heart away. When it dried it looked even cooler. It looked like it was still wet. It was really shiny and a little thicker so it stood off the page. Devlin was not such a fan. He would rather have regular paint but Teagan said she couldn't wait until we painted with the yummy paint again. Yes people we did a little taste test. I gaged but both kids thought it was yummy. My advice on this one. The paint goes a LONG way. I used a whole can of condensed milk and seriously it didn't even look like we used a single bit of it when we were done. The website has you put the colors in ice cube trays which I should have done.

*Devlin was making baby T a pic so I blurred out his name since its still under wraps*

It was a fun doing all these little things.
Hopefully it gives you some fun ideas to do with your family.


On Monday we headed to the cemetery to see Kenzie and have lunch with family. Ryan and the other boys met us there and it was sooo good go see my husband. I miss him way to much when he leaves.

*look at these little loves next to their cousin. Kenzie is just a year younger than them. I cant imagine how big she would be and how much fun these girlies would have together*

Memorial Day really isn't about the cabin or a day off work or bbq's and I don't ever want to forget that. Its a day to remember and honor so many man and women who were and still are serving our country. I am honored to have a brother who is my hero. He spent his memorial day half way across the country in a training. He has been away from his girls for 2 months now and still has another month to go. He has missed birthdays, holidays, first steps, smiles and so much more over his career. but he continues to do what he has to do to protect all of us and do his part. I couldn't be more proud. Ryan and I both have many family members, uncles, cousins and grandparents who serve or served and we are forever grateful for the sacrifices they have made. and for every single other military family out there. Its not just those who are gone, those who are serving, its their families as well. Its their wives and children.
We are so thankful to live in this country. So honored to have this freedom.

Primary Childrens Medical Center

Primary Children's Medical center was our home for almost 5 weeks.
At the time it seemed to last forever. Every single minute being spent indoors.
Next to a hospital bed. Alarms. Beeps. Nurses. Noises from other rooms. but those 5 weeks would not have been spent with my Makenzie if it wasn't for this amazing place. I get emotional every time I think about this hospital. I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and support that is packed into that building. I am in ah at the amount of lives they save. They are performing miracles in there and I couldn't imagine a better place to be if you need to be in a hospital.
Over the course of that almost 5 week period we had at least 50 shift changes.
7:00 both am and pm. Being a mom to an extremely sick child who is in quite a bit of pain you are constantly worried who you will get. Who your nurse will be today. Who your RT will be. Who will be the on call. Who will be the attending. and I can honestly say other than 2 nurses every single nurse, RT and doctor was my saving grace. We were lucky enough to have a few nurses and RT fall in love with our Makenzie and would request her when possible. Those special people will forever be hero's in my eyes.
They sat with me, they cried with me, they did everything possible to keep Makenzie happy, they listened to me, they would explain things to me over and over, they let me be a mom to Makenzie at every possible moment, they bent the rules to give her a bath, they never rushed our talks, they always included me in every morning and night time round, they would stay after the rounds to explain everything in a less doctor lingo kind of way, they would come in to talk to me in the middle of the night when I needed them to, they let me sleep, they didn't ask me to leave during said shift changes, they would make my baby smile, they would help me laugh, they would make sure I had left the room at least once during the day to at least go get something to eat and if I didn't they would make sure and tell Ryan as soon as he go there that he needed to take me to get some food, they respected me, they cared about our family, they cared about Makenzies future, they cared about her death, they hugged me, they helped us make some extremely difficult decisions, they told us their medical advice and their personal advice, they were real, they loved.
These are not people just going to work everyday for a paycheck. They are going there to make a difference. Of course you will always run into someone- anywhere that is not quite your cup of tea but I cant explain how lucky we felt to have the team that we had.
This hospital is huge. My life was lived on the second floor in the PICU.
I rarely ventured anywhere else. I heard of lots of fun programs. I was asked to participate in games on behalf of Makenzie and she was always included in prizes. We walked away with countless blankets, toys and games. and Makenzie loved it. She loved seeing something new in her room. She loved seeing a new face and would do everything she could to smile her biggest smile around all those tubes at that new person.

I have a very hard time going to that hospital. I honestly go into panic mode whenever I think baby T might have to go there someday. I cringe whenever I picture those front doors, those halls, that cafeteria, that food, that gift shop, that waiting room, the double doors and the path I walked day and night to be with Makenzie. I cant imagine living that life again. and to be honest- our stay was not long at all compared to many.
Weeks... Months... Years... There are far to many children who spend the majority of their life there. I ache for them. For their parents. Living everyday praying for that miracle. Living for the next good day. Living for moments of pain free.
This place is so important.

Every year for 28 years now, KSL Television has partnered with Primary Children's Hospital to help raise funds for children in need of medical care.
As amazing as this place is... Its not cheap and a lot of people cant pay. That doesn't stop PCMC from saving that child. Thank God Ryan and I had insurance. For months and months after Makenzie passed away we were getting bill after bill. Other than a few every bill was just a statement of what our insurance already paid for. For almost 5 weeks in the PICU Makenzies hospital bills totaled over $400,000.
and like I said, our stay was not nearly as long and others. and some don't have insurance. How in the world could anyone afford that? That is why helping in anyway possible is so crucial.
I donate anytime I'm at the grocery store and they ask if I can give a few dollars to help. I contribute to the annual telethon and with all of YOUR help we donate those amazing leggings, blankets, toys and books for going on 3 years now. What some don't realize is that donating just a dollar will make a difference. Everything helps. You are helping give other families a chance for a miracle. You are helping this amazing medical staff do what they do best.

Did You Know?
•Primary Children's cares for children of the Intermountain region regardless of their ability to pay. Last year, Primary Children's Medical Center expended $14.3 million to cover 14,792 hospital visits by needy children. Physicians donate their expertise for charity patients.
•The most popular flavor of anesthetic request at Primary Children's is bubble gum.
•Of the nation's freestanding children's hospitals, Primary Children's has the seventh highest level of acuity (most critically ill) in the nation and yet has the lowest charge per case.
•The favorite day for children to be in the hospital is Wednesday, because on Wednesday children play Hospital Bingo, and every child wins a prize.
•Primary Children's serve the largest geographical area for a children's hospital in the continental United States - serving children from Denver to the West Coast. The service area spans about 400,000 square miles.
•40,362 children were seen in the Emergency Department in 2011. This puts an average of 111 children in the ED each day.
•The Newborn Intensive Care Unit treats nearly 600 newborns a year, and has an amazing survival rate of 95 percent.
•Children at Primary Children's can order room service any hour, day or night. The most popular foods are chicken nuggets and fruit smoothies.
•Primary Children's has 281 beds - including Pediatric Intensive Care, Newborn Intensive Care, Infant, Medical, Surgical, Neuroscience Trauma, and Immunocompromised units.

I had no idea PCMC served so many children in such a large area.
That means many of you may have unfortunately already been introduced to PCMC or you might be at some point in life. I wish this hospital or any hospital for that matter wasn't used. I wish we could all be healthy and accident free. I wish there was no such pain in this world. but that just isn't realistic. and too many of us have to experience some of the scariest and hardest days of our lives in places like this.
If you can help. Please do.
Whether you can help by contributing to my leggings project or you can contribute by sparing a couple dollars at the checkout when they ask you to donate to PCMC or through this telethon.
Please help. Donate.
and say a prayer for every single child that is currently calling Primary Children's their home right now.

To learn about the leggings project visit the link at the top of my blog. Purchase a cookbook which goes toward the leggings project. or to donate to the telethon please go HERE.
If you want to shed a few tears and have your heart touched go ahead and watch THIS video. Look at those families. Look at what an amazing place Primary's is.
They will forever be my hero's.
They gave me 5 more weeks with my baby.

24 Weeks

*Sorry No picture. My photographer is having a much deserved few days away*

How far along? 24 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Stretch marks? No.
Best moment this week: Finding out everything is going great from the doctor, hearing his heartbeat and laying it bed every night with Ryan and watching him go crazy punching my belly.
Miss Anything? Fitting into clothes and smaller boobs.
Movement: His movements have kicked into high gear this week. He moves all day and night. He has waken me up just about every morning this week around 6:30am. 
Food Cravings: Snow cones. I was craving cherrys and bought some but they ended up making me sick so now I have a big container of cherrys in my fridge that someone else will need to eat!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really feeling sick this week.
Gender: BOY!
Labor Signs: Still having a lot of braxton hicks contractions. My doctor assured me again that its totally fine as long as they are not regular. but my GOD they hurt.
Symptoms: On a good note-- my back has been a bit better this week. I have had a couple bad days but its been a lot better. Its just these dang contractions that are driving me nuts.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Rather emotional but happy.
Looking forward to: Ryan coming home! I know I know... Its only been a couple days but I seriously miss him so much. and getting his dresser painted this week. FINALLY! I hope the color turns out.

This week has still be full of tears. I would think they have to be ready to dry up soon but no, they keep coming. Pregnancy sure can do a number on a women. I think we all need a special present before the baby comes. Maybe a trip or something. I admire all those women who are confident while pregnant. I sure am not one of those people. I honestly feel like a cow. and dont even get me started on showering. I refuse to bathe because I cant imagine having to sit there and stare at my ever expanding body. It really is amazing that my body can do that and I am so very happy that it can- but it can also be really overwhelming. and for me what usually happens is I start focusing on how big my hips or boobs or belly button is right now and then I start thinking about the next 16 weeks and how much bigger ill be and then I start thinking about when he finally gets here and what my body will look like then--- and without warning--- my thoughts go from my body to life. and realizing in 16 weeks there will be a new life in our house. Then I become a giant basket case. I start freaking out at the thought of me as a Mom. I start freaking out about money. I start freaking out about anyone looking at baby T. I start freaking out about what his future will be. Oh its not pretty. Ill have quite a few ridiculous thoughts thrown around and will call Ryan in tears asking him once again to promise he wont leave me for some hoe. He laughs. Thinks im totally nuts. I get a little offended because I really am worried about that. and then he reasures me he wont be going anywhere. Then I start to threaten him if he does ever think about leaving. Then he laughs. Tells me he is a little frightened and we end up laughing. and this happens quite often. I would say I wake him up in the middle of the night 3-4 times a week with this same conversation occuring. Its kind of silly. but I am really worried about that. and I know I cant control everything so that freaks me out even more. To know that it could happen and that I cant control it.
Oh heavens. Here I go. I might need to call Ryan in a minute. Poor boy had to drive 5 hours to get away so he could breathe for a few days. I always feel so sorry for him when I am pregnant. At least I buy him presents like a candy bar or a new bottle of bubble bath and hope that makes him fall inlove with me again. So far it works everytime.

I was determined to work a little on T's room this week. Other than paint we have done nothing. I have so much to do and not a lot of time left. My goal for last week was to paint his dresser. I got as far as taking 1 drawer outside and I bought the paint. Thats it.
So my goal once again this week will be to paint that dresser!
and find knobs to go on it. any advice where I can find rustic metal knobs? Nothing to fancy. Kind of plain.

Pregnancy Tips

- If you do the whole hair tie around the button of your pants trick- make sure you carry around extra hair ties. Seems so logical but apparently not for me. With not 1 but 2 hair tie accidents where they fell in a public toilet leaving me with nothing to hold up my pants I have now learned.
- If this is your first child you might need to start wearing pantie liners every single day during your last trimester. A little sneeze or cough will cause some serious issues. If you are on your second or I'm assuming any other child after the first. Start wearing these pantie liners in the second trimester. Those little accidents happen a lot sooner. Unless you are me and tend to full on piss yourself.
- Get the book... My girlfriends guide to pregnancy... Seriously the best read. I read it when I was pregnant with Kenzie and I'm reading it again. but this time I totally understand so much more and its just refreshing my memory.
- Invest in a good water bottle. I love those thick plastic ones that have a straw. I love my ice water in them. I find Ill drink more if that thing is always full.
- Drink water A LOT. I cant believe how much it helps me with every symptom I have. I just keep drinking more and more and feel better and better. I think I am drinking close to 100 oz a day. HOLY MOLY. and that's just water. I am still indulging in my milk, coffee and juice. mmm... Maybe that's why I tend to pee my pants. My body hasn't really gotten used to drinking so much yet. I seriously tinkle like 4-5 times an hour. Its almost impossible to do anything outside of my house because I am consistently running to a bathroom.
- Don't buy maternity clothes to far in advance. With Makenzie I went and stocked up in the first trimester and bought out motherhood maternity. I ended up only wearing 2 of the 8 shirts I bought and none of the pants. I grew different and my body wasn't like the "average" pregnant women I guess. I am waiting with this one. Buying as I go if/when I need it. I will use my belly band my whole pregnancy. I was told I will only be able to wear it until the 3rd trimester from a few different people with Makenzie but I wore it up until the day before she was born. That is a life saver on buying new pants. ESP if you have longer legs like me. Its impossible to find long inseam maternity bottoms. If you do want to invest in a nice pair I would recommend the Rock Revival maternity jeans. They are long and have an adjustable waist.
On this same note- don't expect you will for sure be able to wear all your same maternity clothes again. Since I am carrying this baby so much lower than Makenzie, everything fits different. I couldn't wear the over the belly pants with Makenzie. She was sitting so high that they never stretched up far enough. The top of those pants sat in the middle of my belly and was so uncomfortable so I would end up folding it down every time. With this baby I cant wear the thick band that goes under the belly comfortably. I do it anyway because I am broke and cant buy new maternity pants but by the end of the day I barely make it home before those suckers come off and T doesn't enjoy them very much because they are shoving into him.
- Those giant over sized maternity pillows that look like a snake- they are ammazing. I just got one thanks to my sista and I am in 7th heaven. I have never slept so good in my life. I put part of that sucker between my legs then I lay on part of it so it supports my belly and curls around my head enough for me to still snuggle with it. I am telling you this thing is pushing Ryan out of the bed.

Now I am no expert on pregnancy. Far from it. So if you have any advice I would love to hear it.

Choices

Life is sure full of choices... Some are choices we would rather never make in life but are faced to do it anyway. Up until Makenzie got sick I was always one to try and put myself in someone elses shoes. I seemed to always have an opinion on the matter. I would always have a... Oh I would never do this. Or a if that was me I would make these choices different... It wasn't that I felt that person was necessarily making the wrong choices but I just didn't always understand their reasoning and felt I was oh so wise and would make better choices... You know because I know everything and all. and I say I did that until Makenzie was sick because that was the biggest moment in my life where I realized I know shit about anything.
Sure I thought I had been through "a lot". I thought I was a wise girl and knew much about life. I was fairly comfortable in my beliefs and after all I had my life planned out on a real fancy spreadsheet. I was a Mom. I worked full time and went to school. I was in what I thought was a successful marriage and lets face it people-- We had made the 2 year anniversary mark so we were good to go for the rest of our lives... right? Once that little girl of mine got sick. My confidence and knowledge of life suddenly flew out the window.
I had no fucking idea what to do. and those choices that you say you would make... You know like when you hear of another family losing a child and you say... Oh I couldnt handle that I would kill myself.
What so many of us... INCLUDING ME doesn't realize is when you are actually in those real situations, you really will have no clue what you will do.

You know up until days before Makenzie passed I was certain we would do anything to keep her here with us. We put our house up for sale because we couldn't live in a 3 story townhouse with a child who was on a ventilator 24/7 and had tons of other equipment that needed to be with her at all times. We put Ryan's prized possession at the time-- his truck-- up for sale. We listed just about everything we own online and got in the mind set that we would do anything to protect this little girl and keep her happy and healthy for as long as we could keep her. We would do anything for her.
We talked to other families who were in similar situations as us. Families who made the choice to bring their little one home with a trach and vent. I found so much strength from them. I felt like they made the right choice and they were hero's in my freshly awaken eyes. Their children were remarkable. None of those families that I talked to had the same disease as Makenzie. It was good to know how their life worked with a child on a ventilator 24/7 but at the end of the day we had to take all that information we learned and evaluate it compared to Makenzie. There was only 1 other SMARD family that I had learned about and for whatever reason I never could quite connect with this amazing mama. She kept trying to touch base with me and we emailed but whether it was a doctor coming in the room or a test being done I never got to speak to her directly on the phone. I did read her blog and talked to other doctors about her and her amazing son that were familiar with this family. The doctors did their best to compare our children and see where Makenzie was compared to this little man. Of course there was never a certain answer with anything. They could give their opinions but like most unknown disease they really couldn't go off much. Each case is sooo different that there is no way to know if our Makenzie would be like this sweet little boy.

What we did know was what we could already see. Makenzie was very sick. She was sick for a while and I think because she had so many problems getting the nourishment she needed for those few months before she finally got her GTube she wasn't as well off. It was almost daily that we could see her losing more and more tone in her arms and especially her legs. When she was in the hospital she was not getting better. She was getting worse. It was a constant struggle to keep her happy and to keep food in her. She would throw up, she would have extremely large gas bubbles that wouldn't vent on their own and with all of those things they would stop her feeds. It would take hours and hours for her to settle and the moment we would try to feed her again it would all happen again. Over and over. I know there are other families that have this struggle everyday with their child and I am just amazed at them and how they can do it.
With all of that being said none of that was our reasoning for feeling like it was Makenzies time.
Life is hard. really hard. and we are all given trials that we may think we cant handle but in reality when faced with it, especially with your child, you do anything and everything to get the job done.
Ryan and I were not afraid of the task. We were not worried about how we could handle this. We were not worried about what our life would be. It was not about us. It was about our daughter.
Like I said that hospital gave me some new eyes. A different outlook on this life and it was very clear to both Ryan and I that this choice needed to be made by us but that it was not about us.

When I finally got the courage to take myself out of the equation (Ryan had already, he was way ahead of me on this) we knew what we needed to do. It wasn't a choice we ever thought we would make. It wasn't a life we ever expected to live. but here we were. Knowing this little girl that we simple adored. This little girl who was wrapped up in every ounce of our happiness, our hope, our love, our future was not meant to be with us much longer.
To know my daughters life would end. To know I would never hold her. Never kiss her. Never watch her grow. Never see that smile again for the rest of my life. That choice was not made lightly. That choice was not a choice I ever wanted to make. That choice was a choice that if I was on the outside I could never understand. It just didn't make sense. My job in life was to protect my child. To fight for her. I didn't know what the future would hold other than the little information that was online and the endless hours we spend talking to specialists who honestly couldn't give us a lot of information. We were not certain of Makenzies disease when she died. Her diagnosis didn't come until a few weeks later. but we knew she had some kind of neuro-muscular disease and that she was at the best she would ever be. 
Do I wish my choice was not what it was? Absolutely. I wish her body was able to stay strong enough to take her home. That I could continue being her mom and that I could give my whole life to giving her the world.
Our situation is not one that we can compare to another. There are other kids out there that have the same disease as Makenzie and they are thriving. I cant sit here and wonder if that would have been her. Would she be that happy? Would she be able to do that? I just don't know. We had to go off of what we knew then and what we knew was right for Makenzie. Just like these other incredible families had to make a choice that was right for their child. and none of us choose the wrong thing.

Choices... Every one of us has to make them. and no matter who you are there really is no reason for you to doubt or question another for the decision they make. I'm sure if you haven't already learned you will learn one day that every situation is different. There is much more than what you think there is and you probably have no idea why that choice was actually made.

A few months back I had some not so nice comments left accusing me of doing some horrible things to my family. I decided at that time make it so all comments have to be approved before they can be viewed and that was honestly for anyone else that is reading this blog. I know what has happened in my life. I know why we made the choices we did. and just because I don't spell something out on this blog doesn't mean you can read between the lines because you really don't know what else is there. Over the last few months there have still been some comments left and emails received that ask why in the world we would have made the decisions we have.
Some people are honestly very genuine and really want to understand. Its something you cant really imagine and so they are curious. I don't mind that. I get curious too. but there are more that are not so much curious and genuinely want to know but rather pointing fingers wanting to make sure I know I made the wrong choice. I have not published the comments that are not so nice and I have done that because those people really don't deserve to have a voice. but my reasoning for blogging about this once again is because I am honestly asking begging all of you out there to please stop judging.
Get off your spiritual high horse thinking you know any more about life than the rest of us and telling people around you that they are making the wrong choices in certain situations.
You really don't know what is going on behind closed doors and you have no idea what someones relationship with God is really like. Please just focus on your life. There are certain opinions that don't need to be voiced.
There is a difference between wanting to understand me and demanding I understand you.
For all those emails or comments I might receive, that's fine. Thank you for allowing me to take up such an important part of your life. but please leave those comments and email to me. Don't share them with someone else because you don't know what they are going through and how they feel about their person choices.
I have talked about bulling before and I wonder if these people really dont understand that they are being bullys? There is more than just me that has heard some extremely harsh words from not only strangers but people we know. Other people who are in similar situations as me. People who have lost children and had to make really difficult decisions.
I am thankful I have had, for the most part, a pretty clear understanding about what has happened. The reason I am comfortable in it is because of Makenzie. She knew I needed as much reassurance as she could give me and she gave it to me often.
She was done.
She was tired and she was ready to be free.
There is absolutely nothing else I could have given her. I sometimes wish she was still here only for the reason that I could repay her for all that she gave me and continues to give me because it doesn't compare. She changed my life. She gave me the best thing in the world and she is continuing to stay by my side. Her life is beautiful now. and I wish I could look in her eyes and thank her and spoil her rotten for being so amazing.

2 days after Makenzie passed away Ryan and I were running around town. Finishing funeral arrangements, buying him a suit and finding an outfit to bury our daughter in. I remember very clearly thinking that I just couldn't understand how the world was still moving. How everyone was living life like nothing was wrong. Couldn't they see how sad we were? Couldn't they see that our daughter just died? It made me stop and think about how many other people are in that same boat. Maybe not the exact same boat but that they are going through something that would be so much easier if everything around them would just stop for a few god damn minutes. That everyone could stop their silly issues, that they could stop worrying about every non-important thing in life and just stop judging.

Everyone is going through something. Everyone is faced with a choice they dont really want to make in life. and No one deserves to
You cant really imagine what you would choose in any certain situation. You don't know what other people are going through and I hope we can all learn to be a little kinder and more understanding.

Cookbooks for Leggings!!!

Just as a reminder... ALL cookbook sales go straight to our Leggings Project.
If you don't know what the leggings project is... Just visit the tab at the top of my blog. It will explain it all.
You will get an amazing cookbook put together by hundreds of people from all over the world and you will be helping the children's hospital with all the money going toward the leggings.
Make sure you tell your family and friends and go get your cookbook!

You can order your cookbook with the link located on the right hand side of my blog.

THANK YOU!

23 Weeks

How far along? 23 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Stretch marks? No.
Best moment this week: Feeling him move around so much.
Miss Anything? Feeling like a normal person and not so crazy.
Movement: He moves a lot when I am laying down but not so much when I am up. 
Food Cravings: This week I have been craving corn dogs and sonic cherry limeade drinks. I have yet to indulge in either craving.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I have been feeling a little off the last few days but not sure whats causing it.
Gender: BOY! 
Labor Signs: Still having a lot of braxton hicks contractions. but no real labor signs. thank God.
Symptoms: My back is still hurting, my emotions are out of control and it hurts to move.
Belly Button in or out? How is my button starting to stick out already? Oh for heaven sakes.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Over the top emotional.
Looking forward to: Doctors appointment this week. Cant wait to hear his heartbeat and be reassured everything is going good.

This week has been a bit of a hard one. Emotionally and physically. My back has been hurting my stomach has been aching and the tears have only stopped on a few rare occasions. I am so thankful to be pregnant. I am so thankful to have this chance to have a child come into our life and I am honored to be able to carry him myself. I know how great of a blessing this is and I am not taking it for granted. but this round of pregnancy has been a whole different story than it was with Makenzie. I remember having aches and pains. I remember being emotional. I remember the mood swings. but it was nothing like it is now. I am not sure if its different because this is a boy or maybe because of Makenzie or a combination of everything. I am so exhausted. All those books say your energy should be back in the second trimester and I am just a few weeks away from the third and have yet to get that energy back. I could sleep all day and night if my body would allow but this body can’t be in any one place for too long. My back feels like I am carrying a million extra pounds. My stomach is constantly aching. I can’t even have my shirt rest against it without it throbbing. I feel like my boobs are going to blow up any second. I don't fit into much of anything in regards to bras and tank tops. I would go buy new ones but I don't really feel like spending that much money on comfort for only a couple more weeks. I feel horrible consistently complaining to Ryan. He is so sweet and tries to understand but I know he is having a hard time understanding. When I was pregnant with Makenzie I didn't have so many "issues" I was working more than 40 hours a week, going to school full time and still managed to keep my house under control. I am not even doing half of that this time and cant seem to muster up any ounce of energy or desire to take the trash out. On a daily basis I find myself in the fetal position on the floor crying because I simply cant imagine getting up to make dinner. I get so upset with myself and that just makes it all much worse. I hate reading all those pregnancy books because I never feel like I am on the same page. I feel like I am too big or don't feel the right things or I am not doing enough. and it doesn't really help talking to others. Usually because it’s hard to relate. I know this is all sounding like I am one big whiner but this is real and this is where I am at now. I want to remember all of this for the future. I hope I start feeling better. I think I will. and if this ever happens again. If I am ever pregnant again I can look back and see that this will end and its just part of the crazy journey of pregnancy. 

favs

I love when others share some of their favorite things in life or things that make life a little easier because I usually find something new to try and I love that. So after writing a not so happy post yesterday and deciding not to post it because I used  the F word a few too many times I decided to be a little more cheery and dive into a list of my favs.

- Amazon... I love this place. I don't buy everything on here but I buy A LOT. I buy most if not all of our doggie treats and shampoo. Its not usually a whole lot cheaper a couple bucks can add up. I only buy things that I can get the prime shipping because I refuse to ever ever pay for shipping when I shop online. I find it a waste of money. Harley along with my children empty my wallet faster than a snow cone sale. I love to get them cute or fun or new things. So if I can shop online and not go into a store I usually spend less anyway.
I buy a lot of other things on amazon exclusively-- such as cell phone cases. Now seriously if you haven't realized how cheap you can get your cell phone case and you are still spending $20-$30 you better RUN to amazon. I never usually never spend more than $4 on a case but my last case I bought I really loved and I splurged and spent $10 on it. For any of you that buy otter boxes-- they are cheaper too. They can be so expensive but Ryan HAS to have one. It has saved it phone hundreds of times so I refuse to let him get anything else.
My tip for Amazon other than being apart of PRIME... Keep checking back for an item you are looking for. There is new stuff added quite a bit and sometimes when I cant get something with free shipping- ill come back a couple days/weeks later and can get it through PRIME.

- My tumblers. I only have 2 because I really don't need more than that but I love them both sooo much. I have never been one to drink enough during the day and for some reason these things make me drink more. I take them everywhere I go and they keep ice frozen all day. Since I became pregnant I haven't been able to drink out of glass cups much. For some weird reason they make me gag and changes the taste of everything I am drinking so I am all about the plastic stuff. Reusable of course.

- "A Place of Yes" by Bethenny Frankel. Okay I know this girl has been on some cheesy reality TV but I honestly love her. You know me and the cheesy reality. I love it all. but what really made me love this lady is this book. I am not a big book lover. I love children's books but I don't LOVE to sit down and read for hours on end. I don't know whats wrong with me. but this book is one I LOVE and enjoyed reading for hours. This book made me want to change certain areas in my life. Not huge areas but little ones. It made me feel more empowered to go after what I am wanting in life. Whether it be big or small and do what I have to do in order to accomplish that. I first read this book when I really needed it last year and I took so much of it to heart and it was really eye opening

-Almonds. Delicious raw almonds. I have always thought I hated any type of nut growing up. I would steer clear of them all. Well now that I'm a grown up I decided to start trying all those things I used to hate again to see if I really hated them. and so far most nuts have now been moved to my LOVE list. There are some I am still not a fan of but almonds are definitely one of my favorites. I have been eating them like crazy through this pregnancy because I am always feeling hungry and that is something I don't feel too guilty about snacking on between meals.

- Kuhn Rikon 4" Paring Knives. Okay so these have to be the best knives I have ever seen. I love these more than our wusthof knifes people. I bought ours close to 4 years ago at Sur La Table but I recently found them on AMAZON for cheaper. You can buy them individually at Sur La Table for about $10 each and on Amazon for $24 for a set of 3. The colors are what made me fall in love, ill be honest. but they are so sharp and hardly ever have to be sharpened. I use them for everything and they are crazy easy to clean. I should take better care of my knives but I usually stick them all in the dishwasher and these never come out looking a bit rusty like some of the others I have.

- Jergens gradual self tanner. I hate self tanning lotions. They never go on me evenly so I am left with streaks and orange in random areas instead of a light tan. I used to love to go to tanning beds but honest have been scared to death about cancer and how dangerous they are so I haven't been inside one for a couple years and well now that I am pregnant I cant really unless I want to cook my baby in a bad way. but I also hate being so glowing white that I have to wear sun glasses when I am nude or if my legs or arms are showing skin at all. I was really skeptical about using Jergens but when I saw my sister looking like she just got back from Hawaii with a perfect tan I was sold. I bought a bottle which I just have to say is kind of expensive so I was a bit nervous but I love it. I started to notice a little color after 3 days of applying once a day. I stopped using it after 6 days because I did start to see some streaking. I think if you apply to much it can do that but its now been a full 2 weeks since I started to put it on and 8 days since I have applied some and I am just now starting to see it washing away. I figured ill do some exfoliating and start over in a day or so but I love the color it gives me. Its just barley anything really but it makes me feel like I have something. AND it smells really good. Normally self tanners smell weird and smell like a tanning bed but not this stuff. I love it.

- Weekly planners. I started this right after Ryan and I got married and over the years it changes all the time to fit our needs in the moment. I am a bit of a control freak and I need things to be written down and planned out. I am doing better at living in the moment but this is one thing that at least gives me some healthy control and keeps our house running. I have a TO DO side of things that has to get done during that week. When it gets done I don't care just as long as by Sunday everything is crossed off. That way if Ryan has time to help he can see what still needs to be done and does something. The other side is a food menu. I have sections for breakfast, lunch and dinner but we usually never follow the breakfast and lunch ones. I try to at least have a list of what we have in the house so we are not standing there in the morning thinking there is nothing to eat. but we always follow the dinner menu. We might switch the days up depending on what we are in the mood for but we always pick something for that week because I know we have everything to make it. On the back is my shopping list. I try to keep that up to date when we run out of the staple items like butter, certain seasonings, cheese, etc. Those are sometimes items ill over look when I'm trying to plan a meal for the next week and forget I need to get those at the store.


I really could make a list much larger but I figured you might be kind of bored so ill end it with that. If you do these favorite lists make sure you let me know because I would love to see it. I am always looking for new tips and tricks and products to try.

Happy Wednesday!

Mother's Day

Makenzie, Happy YOU day! I am so so so thankful that you came into my life almost 3 years ago. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. You gave me the name Mom. You taught me more in my life than I could have ever taught you. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. I cant wait until the day I get to hold you again. I cant wait for the day I can never let you go. Makenzie you are now and forever will be my reason in this life. I am so thankful for the chance to be a Mom again with your little brother and I hope I make you proud by raising him the very best.

You are my first. You are my life. You are the best part of my existence. 

Thank you for the life you allowed me to live with you. and thank you for the promise we will be together forever. Keep dreaming with me baby.

I love you.

Love Mom

Baby T, Happy YOU day! You have no idea how excited I am to have you apart of our family. I cant wait to see your face and hold you for the first time. You are an incredible gift that will bring so much sunshine after some really hard times. I promise I will live everyday trying harder and harder to be the best Mum for you. I don't take your life for granted for one second. Every moment you give me will be a treasure. I am honored you chose me to be your Mom. 125 days until we meet. In the mean time keep kicking, punching and wiggling away. I love it. Every little movement. 

Stay strong and Ill be counting the days until you are here.

I love you.

Love Mom

Mommy Diane, Oh there are no words to express the amount of love I have for you. Thank you for being my example. Thank you for being the strength, light and love that holds this family together. You are amazing. I don't know what I would do without you. You have taught me so much. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you for always being there when we need you. Thank you for loving Makenzie as much as you do and for always counting her. You have no idea how much I love you.

I cant wait for baby T to know his Grandma Diane.

I hope you see how much you mean to me and how much I need you.

I love you.

Love Kendra.

Mommy Becky, Oh how I love my Becky. You are such an amazing example to me. The Mom you were and continue to be is simply incredible. I am forever grateful to be apart of your family. I have no words to thank you for raising the incredible man you did. I pray every day that baby T grows up to be just like his Dad and you are to thank for that. I have so much to learn and I am so happy to have you there to help me along the way. Thank you for loving us and our Makenzie as much as you do. Thank you for always keeping her so alive in our family. Thank you for being her Grandma. I cant wait until baby T gets to spend time and learn from his Grandma Becky. I hope you know how much I love you. I am so incredibly thankful for everything you are.

I love you.

Love Kendra

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I am so very blessed to have so many Mom's in my life as incredible examples for what a Mom really is. Not only my own Mom and Mother in law but my sisters and my friends and my Grandmas and my aunts and cousins. I am so very happy to have each and everyone of them. 

Motherhood is seriously the hardest job in the world.

I admire everyone of you out there who is a Mom or trying to be a mom or soon to be mom.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Mothers Day 

and you see what an amazing job you are doing.

You have the most important job in the world. You are raising the future. You are shaping the world. You are creating life. That is amazing.

Happy Mothers Day!