...patience

the counting began again.
started miss flo.
darn it.
my cycle is not the same from month to month.
i haven't been able to get it on track since i had makenzie.
the last round i ovulated really late.
and i have now started just a couple days sooner than expected.
the only thing that bugs me about it all is that i cant plan ahead at all.
guess that's all part of my big lesson of life which is --- patience ---
so ill just have more patience.
stupid patience.

i cant believe its almost november.
oh i love this time of year.
other than the ugly sickness's going around.
it seems our little household has a nasty one that is being tossed back and forth.
i cant help it. i like kissing my husband. but that just means this wont go away very easily.

i turned the heat on for the first time today.
at noon it was 61 degrees inside!
i thought i died and went to hell.
so i put on my comfiest pj's and snuggled the mini (niece) under a big blanket while we watched princess movies for the rest of the day.
we will all be chugging nyquil tonight.

We Need Her

I was cleaning up files on my computer and stumbled across her videos.

I put them in a file- not on the desktop.

That's where they have called home for most of the past 22 months. But I started to watch them... To much... So I put them in a file.  I say to much only because watching them isn't a good thing for me right now.  It has been one of the worst things I can do.  I don't see the good and the amazing life I had with her. All I see is the signs I wish I would have seen then.  I see her body. Her lack of movement. Her breathing. The way her hands were curling. The loss of strength. The weight dropping. 

I want to scream when I watch these.

Why the hell didn't I see it. Why didn't I help more. How did I let her hurt for so long?

When I start 1 video, I usually don't stop until I have seen them all.

Last night I was laying on the ground.

Ryan came and laid down by me after he heard the first video and knew exactly what I was watching.

We laid there. There was maybe 3 videos I watched the whole way through. 

I had to turn them off.

I stopped breathing.

I almost screamed.

I almost threw the computer across the room.

We cried.

We are so angry.

We couldn't watch them all.

We ended with the very last video we have of her. 

I was holding her and it was minutes before our parents came in the room the day she passed.

To see her awake. Looking at me. To see me kissing her. 

I. Literally. Want. To. Die

I would give anything. ANYTHING. To feel that girl again. To kiss her. To touch her face. To hold her little body. To take that pain away. To give her the life she deserved. To not ask her to work so hard.

I miss my daughter.

and it still feels like there are days where they are harder than any other day.

Ryan and I cried ourselves to sleep. again. for the millionth time. 

We woke up with headaches and knew what our day would be like.

We only talked once and it was to give each other instructions for what needed to be done that day.

I kept the blinds closed at home and completed nothing on my to do list. 

He did what he does best and worked his butt off but kept her in the back of his head.

Then he came home. and the anger unleashed on each other.

What we hold in. To try and not take it out of the rest of the world. Total strangers. We took out on each other. This time it didn't last more than half an argument before we both lost it. 

The hurt was greater than any anger we felt.

We were driving. 

I wish we would have kept going and never stopped.

To run away with Ryan and find our way to heaven would have been my idea of a perfect day.

We came home.

We talked.

We said all the usual inappropriate, rude, mean, harsh things we say when we are this angry. Not to each other but about the rest of the world and how unfair this whole thing is.  You know sometimes you have to do that. We keep it between each other and eventually talk each other down, back to reality.  Its necessary though.  We miss her so much. We want to hold her and kiss her and take away all her pain. 

I hate to see what her life was. 

I pray she could see how incredibly in love we were with her.

I hope we took away some of the hurt. 

I dream of our life. The life I see when I close my eyes. A life like the one we had--- minus SMARD. 

I hate that disease. I hate what it did to my baby. I hate that Ryan and I are infected with it. I hate that we cant protect our children from ourselves. 

Makenzie Rye...

I hope you heard our prayers. I hope you can feel how much we love you. How much we miss you. There are absolutely no words. 

Love seems inadequate. Its more than LOVE. There is no word to explain it. What we feel for you is unreal. Its out of this world. Not many get to feel this magnitude of love for someone and we feel beyond blessed to have it.  

Miss, doesn't even begin to describe this hurt.  The ache. This constant. Heavy. Weight. You are our life. Without you there are more days than not that it just seems we cant keep going. That we cant do this anymore without you. That we cant live this way any longer. That we will give up everything to just be with you.  Makenzie- you are the absolute best thing we ever did. You are the reason we know of Love. What we felt before you was nothing compared to what we feel now.  Not only for you but for each other. You have given us the greatest of any gift. You. The strength you had is one we strive to gain.

To be like you. We are living everyday to achieve that goal.

We love you. We miss you.

Please dream with us.

We need you. 

not this round.

5 tests = NEGATIVE
I guess I knew it all along but seriously each and every test is like torture.
I don't care who you are but when you take a pregnancy test--- you have a million emotions running through your mind and those 5 minutes seem like 5 hours. You sit there staring at that little window and then your mind starts to play tricks.  You start to see double lines. Then all the sudden in the blink of an eye its no longer unclear-- that 1 big pink line is clear as day and there is nothing else there.
hmm.
negative.
I still feel okay about this though. We have 2 other vials waiting for us in storage. If we don't get pregnant after those 2 than we will see where we stand and talk about if we should order more.
In a couple weeks we will start testing again and hopefully we will then get pregnant on that round.

Ryan isn't phased at all.  He is still as confident as ever and knows it will happen.
I am actually okay about it all.  Of course I would have loved to have it happen on the first try but I know its not expected.  I am more anxious and excited for it to happen whenever it does.  Maybe if by #3 we still are not pregnant ill feel a bit worse but for right now I still feel good about it happening.

A quick post before I go to bed.

Can I just say its ridiculous how expensive pregnancy tests are!
and
Can I also say its ridiculous that Costco doesn't carry pregnancy tests!
Seriously whats a hormonal, trying to get pregnant women to do when she cant buy her pregnancy tests in bulk?!
I have been so very tempted to take a test these past few days but have held off.
The anticipation is killing me.
Although, to be honest, I have a feeling I am not pregnant this time.  Maybe I'm just trying not to get my hopes up but I just keep having this feeling we will be doing this again.  I dunno. I'm still praying. Like I said before it will happen when its suppose to.

By show of hands who is loving the changing weather?
*I am raising my hand*
My sweaters are so happy to come out of hiding and my ultra white legs are so happy to go into hiding!
I have this whole list of fall "To-Do's" however we have completed NONE.
We tried the other day.
We were going to drive up the canyon near us to see the fall leaves and have a picnic.
We were all loaded up and got there to find the road was closed due to dangerous conditions.
So we sat on the grass near the road and ate our food.
How romantic.

Next month Ryan and I will have been married for 5 years!
Okay that seems like such a short and such a long amount of time all at once.
I sure love that man.
We had all these things we wanted to do on our anniversary however with our life the way it is right now I am thinking we will not be doing anything.  Maybe we will have a big 6 year celebration instead of 5. I mean who decided that 5 is a milestone anyway!  I told Ryan that he can plan something if he wants but I give up trying to think of something to do other than hang at home and watch re-runs of Still Standing.  (the same thing we do everyday) so we will see what we end up doing.
No matter what- I am just so thankful we are reaching this stage in our lives together.  I am so blessed to have him. To know him. To call him my partner.

I have written a few of these the last couple weeks and figured I needed to do it again.
I like to call them my... Don't worry, Be happy... lists.  Its basically a few things that remind me of the little things that I enjoy and could almost always bring a smile to my face.
- Ellen
- Real Housewives of .....
- Sugar daddys
- Ranch pork chops
- This mustard sweater that Ryan isn't very fond of but I love
- Bringing all my chucks back out. oh how I have missed them. I love them as much as I would love a pair of Christian Louboutin.
- Buying pregnancy tests
- Running on these chilly mornings
Okay that's better. Now when I have my poor me mornings I can look at this list and remember all the good in life. Then ill get up and enjoy one of my happy things.

T-Minus 2 days until ill take my first pregnancy test!
WooWoo!

PS. As I sit here and type this I have 2 of THE loudest snorers surrounding me. I think I'm going to lose my mind. Harley is like an old women who cant breathe and has to lay there with her mouth wide open, head tilted back, almost gasping for a last breathe.  Then there is Ryan who sounds like a broken down car that is trying to start but just cant fully get the go to actually start.  OMG. I keep shoving and yelling at the 2 of them but if I didn't know better I would think they both are doped up on NyQuil or something because they are OUT. I seriously cant even hear myself think.  I am going to run and go to bed now before they get up there. I will never sleep with this nasal horn symphony.

How it went down...

What a day yesterday was.
I totally got knocked up...
- well i hope, I'm thinking positive -
So if your anything like me you want to know the details. Especially with something that isn't all that common. So let me take you through the morning.

Sunday October 16th.
6:30 am: I woke up and took a long shower.  (I had to make sure that area was extra clean, a face was about to be eye to eye with it)
7:30 am: I jumped in the car and took off to meet my mom.
8:00 am: Picked up my mom and headed to the University.
8:30 am: Waited for our vial.
9:30 am: Finally got our vial that was suppose to be ready right at 8:30.
10:00 am: Got to my docs office with vial in tow. Since its was Sunday the office was closed so we had to have the on call doc perform this and he opened the office just for me.
10:15 am: Legs were propped up and the insemination was made.
10:16 am: Doc completed his job and told me to lay there for just a few minutes.
10:40 am: Doc said okay really time for you to leave.
10:41 am: Started counting the minutes until I can take a pregnancy test.

I'm sure your curious what this thing looked like.  It was much smaller than I thought. Don't ask what I was thinking :)...

So I wondered if this might hurt- I was told it would feel a lot like a pap smear.
As it turns out it didn't hurt at all. It wasn't even uncomfortable.  It was quick and painless.
I have to admit it was really weird cutting Ryan out of the process completely.
I mean... I might have just gotten pregnant with the Doc and my mom while Ryan was 5 hours away. Hmmm... Not exactly what I dreamed of when I thought of having kids. Oh well.

I was worried I would be uncomfortable or nervous or afraid to be laying there and thinking--- this other guys "stuff" is in me and getting me pregnant.  I talked to Ryan about this several times before Sunday and every time we talked about it I have been blow away at his attitude about the whole thing.  Not for one second does Ryan think of this other guys "stuff" as being anything other than a small part in bringing OUR child to us healthy.  This baby isn't that guys. Its OUR baby. This is Ryan's child.  This little person is meant to come to us. We are meant to raise them.

As I laid there on that table and his "stuff" was put in me I was consumed with thinking of what was actually happening. Thinking of the possibilities. Thinking of how badly we want this. Thinking of my husband. Thinking of Makenzie. It was then very clear that the child we conceive this way is 100% ours. Ryan and Kendra's. There is no doubting that. God has this little spirit all ready for US. For Ryan and Kendra. and in order for us to get them here healthy we needed assistance.  I prayed so so hard the whole time.  I stared at the same thing on the ceiling for what felt like hours but was really only minutes.  I just kept praying this would work and that this little baby would be healthy.  After the doctor left the room my mom and I didn't move. We didn't talk. It was a very peaceful 20ish minutes. I know we were both just praying. Praying this would be the answer to our prayers and that we would get our wish.
I was then overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude.  To have this opportunity. To live in this day of age where I can choose this.

I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts that were sent our way.  We are so lucky to have so many new friends. So many people who don't personally know us but are praying for us. I could feel it as I laid there.  I am so thankful for all of you. I know this isn't the choice everyone would choose but the support we have received has been amazing.  

I still don't know if it worked and I'm pregnant.  I am trying not to get my hopes up to high.  I'm trying to be neutral about the whole thing and be realistic.  Getting pregnant isn't that easy.  If this is the right time it will happen. But it might not be the right time. God might ask us to wait longer. For whatever reason.
I'm trying to sit back and be patient. I'm trying to understand that everything will happen when it suppose to.  Because I'm so impatient I told myself I couldn't start testing until this next weekend.
I'm just holding a constant prayer in my heart!
but if it doesn't happen this time. Maybe it will next time.

Positive!

After what seemed like a million negative ovulation tests, talk of using chlomid next month if I couldn't ovulate this month and recent advice from my sil I finally tested positive.
WooTWhooT.
Step one done. Now onto getting those babies in me.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00 am I'll be implanted with our donor sperm.
Ah I am so very excited and nervous all in one.
And of course ryans out of town this weekend! So I really have to get pregnant without him :)
I pray it goes well and those swimmers swim!
Come on little baby to be. We are so ready for you!
I'm keeping my fingers and legs crossed.
For luck and to help hold everything in :)
Please please happen!

Kenzie Day #22

Kenzie Day #22 = Halloween Party

oh what a night.

we had so much fun.

The Costumes:

princess

clown

vampire

witch

angry bird

dorothy

doggie

lady bug

spider women

which #2

cat

rock star

tinkerbell

scream

... the food was disgustingly amazing ...

We played games.

Like--- find the skeleton bones and put him together the fastest to win a prize.

The usual balloon release. 

We sure miss our Makenzie.

 The Candy Hunt was the best.

... To much candy

well there is never too much candy.

Just ask those kids.

I can only imagine the amount of laughs you had Makenzie, just watching the chaos unravel. 

I have thought so much about what you would have been dressed as this Halloween.

I wonder what things you would have been into. What shows and cartoons you would like. 

I thought Tinkerbell would be fun for you to see.  I bet you would have liked her right now. 

Sweet girl, we miss you so much. You are the best thing to ever come into our lives.

Please know how much your cousins love you. How much your aunts, uncles and grandparents adore you. 

Please know how much your parents dream about you.

 I hope you celebrated your 22nd angel day in heaven.

I'm sure the time is flying by because your having so much fun. 

I just cant believe its been so long since I held you. I close my eyes and can still imagine you right here in front of me. Its like there has been no time passed. Then again, its like its been an eternity.

I love you with all my heart Makenzie Rye.