Camping

First camping trip of 2012 was a lot of fun. Our plan was to spend a weekend sitting by the lake, getting some sun, stuffing our faces with mallows, fishing and just enjoy doing a lot of nothing.

Of course things don't always work out exactly how you plan.

Friday before we even left for the lake I went to my pool for a wee bit and burnt my ass off. Seriously. I don't think I have ever been so burnt. My legs ached because of how swollen they got. I was a bit worried to sit out in the sun the rest of the weekend but I shouldn't have worried too much and simply just looked at the weather forecast. It was chilly. Not even warm enough to put your tootsies in the water. and dogs were not allowed so all of our swimming fun went out the window. Its probably a blessing in disguise because I don't think I could have handled a moment in the sun. I packed Ryan and I for warm lake weather but like I said I didn't think to look at the forecast and so we were freezing most of the time. Thanks Becky for loaning me some pants one night. Seriously who only packs tank tops, shorts, swim suits and flip flops for a weekend camping? Did I think I was going to a California beach? Did I not forget I am still in the mountains and maybe a pair of jeans and some tennis shoes would have been useful?

oh well.

So our warm lake planned weekend didn't turn out but we had a great time none the less. We had lots of good food, we went on walks, were attacked by a wild cotton tree that almost took us all out allergy wise, the mosquitoes were at war with most of us, we talked a lot, we went and cheered Randy and Shaun (Ryans Daddo and BIL) as they finished the Tour de Cure Saturday afternoon, we walked down by the lake for about 30 seconds there before we were blown away, we roasted mallows, cooked with the dutch oven, ate tin foil dinners, played with the baby, played with Addison, chopped wood, made a few trips down the road to the gas station to fill up our drinks and did our best to stay warm. 

On Sunday morning we realized we didn't have to check out of our stop until much later than we planned so the boys loaded up their fishing gear and headed to the lake since the sun was out and it was much warmer. Ryan has been wanting to fish for quite a while so he was happy as can be.

It was fun to be with family. It was fun to have a little time away from the everyday routine. 

and we definitely cant wait to go out again.

Poor Harley had a rough time. She was somewhat happy but between the cold, her horrible horrible allergies and being eaten alive by some kind of bug she was more ready to be home than anyone else.

We did our best to keep her bundled and by the fire but this girl is such a wimp. We laugh at how pathetic she can get. After a bath, overdosing her with benadryl and a warm bed she is recovering slowly. 

You can see in this picture some of the bumps on her head. Seriously they are covering her body. I have been quite a bit worried but her vet assured me that she is fine and to just keep an eye on her.

I have to say its rather sad when her vet pretty much knows my number by heart because I'm consistently calling about something. I fear for baby T's pediatrician.

Its always so nice to come home. I cant say how amazing a shower after camping is. I think one of the best feelings ever. Call me crazy but its true in my book. Ryan and I didn't sleep hardly at all either night so we were exhausted and not feeling well by the time we got home. We slept most of the evening and then woke up long enough to drag our butts to bed.

Oh how I love my bed.

Cant wait to go out again.

photos

I'm in the process of getting some of my pictures organized and trying to find some space in my house to put pictures of baby T when he arrives. All of our shelves and walls are covered with our muffin which is fine but our boy does deserve a pic or two displayed somewhere. So the picture redo is in progress. I knew I couldn't just take her pictures out and put his in. I needed to redo it all. That way I could make sure it was equal without feeling like I was taking her pictures down. I found some really fun ideas on pinterest (where else) and cant wait till its finished. The best part is I have everything I need already and don't need to buy a single thing. and I have about a billion pictures already printed that are sitting in a drawer so that helps on the printing costs. Ill take some before and after pics. I'm doing this faux canvas style collage on the wall in our living room. I hope it turns out good.

well while I was searching through photos I came across these little gems.

Oh how I miss that girl.

She was so funny about her fingers and hands.

All she wanted was to put her whole fist into her mouth and she would be happy.

It just wasn't fair they were usually covered with needles and iv's so it was not possible.

This is bath time and her expressions when I would take her hand away from her face.

-- ryan is bathing her here and notice the death stare she is giving me out of the corner of her eye but goes right back to getting those fingers in her mouth and looking at her dad within seconds --

She is such a love.

I cant believe how much I miss her sometimes.

I feel like there is no way I can possibly take another breath.

There are moments, like when I see these pictures, I will become numb. My fingers tingle and when I close my eyes I can actually feel her. I can feel her fingers. Her arms. I can feel that water. I can feel the wash cloth in my hands and I can smell everything about that moment.

Its just impossible to imagine feeling this for the rest of my life.

I just cant grasp the fact that there will never be any closure to this feeling. There is never going to be a day that ill be all better. There will forever be this empty sick pain. This intense missing that completely stops me dead in my tracks.

As much as this hurts. As much as I just wish it would ease up.

I know the only way that would be possible is to forget her.

and that is something that will never happen. and something I never want to happen.

I need to feel that hurt.

I need to miss.

I need to have this empty place in my soul.

Its the reality of her.

Its the reminder of the life I did have with her.

25 Weeks

How far along? 25 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Stretch marks? So I cant remember when I started to notice these pesky buggers with Makenzie but so far I haven't got any new ones and the old ones have faded more and more. I have no idea if all my lotions and oils are really helping that much or if its the mass amount of water I'm drinking daily but whatever it is- its working.
Best moment this week: Getting the dresser painted, finally getting one of those amazing snow cones and spending a great weekend with my Ryan.
Miss Anything? Sushi. Having some serious cravings for that stuff.
Movement: Oh yes. Its been so fun watching my belly go into random spasms. T has kicked Harley on more than 1 occasion and Harley will sit up and tilt her head while watching my stomach. He is not such a lover of when someone is touching the belly. He wont move a muscle and it takes a few minutes for him to get back into the kicking mode.
Food Cravings: Snow cones. There is this little trailer they turned into a snow cone shack and its heavenly. I finally indulged yesterday and got me one. and I savored every last bite.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Hooray for a good week! I haven't been sick for one second. but my smell has all the sudden kicked into stink mode. Everything stinks to me. I will sniff out anything anywhere and that has made it a little harder eating lately. If it stinks I cant eat it.
Gender: BOY. Oh how I cant wait to meet this little man.
Labor Signs: These braxton hicks have not eased up one bit. but nothing more than that.
Symptoms: Back is hurting again, contractions, little energy, super emotional and quite uncomfortable sleeping.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: This week has been better on the irrational emotional side but not so much on the regular emotional side. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat.
for example--- I came home the other day to find an injured bird in my backyard. I called Ryan in sheer panic and was a mess while he told me not to touch it and he would come home and help it. I couldn't wait the 10 more minutes for him to get home and tried to catch the little bird myself but it kept biting me and going into small spaced that I couldn't bend my big fat body around to get it. I sat outside watching it closely until Ryan finally got home and whether it was fear or an instant miracle that damn bird just flew away when Ryan started walking towards it.
That was a very emotional few minutes.
Looking forward to: I am sure all of you have a countdown calendar for baby T so I don't need to tell you that we are just 4 days away from being under 100 days until he makes his appearance. I cant believe it. We are almost out of the triple digits and into the double. Woo Hoo...

I know I have been having a really hard time emotionally lately but I honestly am so happy this little boy is coming into our lives. He is an incredible blessing and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't thank God several times for sending him to us. I spend endless hours imagining what he will look like and who he will grow to be one day. I am so thankful Ryan is going to be his Dad. He is honestly the very best thing to ever happen to me and I am constantly amazed at the person he has grown to be. He is so anxious for T to get here and talks about him all the time. I think about how life would be with Makenzie here on a daily basis. I imagine an almost 3 year old running this house and how life would be with a new baby on the way. I wonder how she would be. I wonder what her personality would be like. That life seems perfect. I know we will have that someday. I know we will all be together again and I just cant wait. I pray we can teach T everything about his sister and he grows up knowing she will forever watch over him. That she is there and that he feels her at all times.
We are just a couple weeks away from the third trimester. We don't have too much time left until our home is full again. Oh what an amazing feeling that will be.

Memorial Day and Pinterest

Memorial Day is the second best holiday around our house. The second only because the very best holiday is the deer hunt. Yes that is a holiday and everything else around us must stop for this special occasion. Memorial Day is the second best holiday because that's the weekend those boys load up all their 4wheelers, camo gear, bow and arrows and silly toys like pellet guns and sling shots and head south to open the cabin for the summer. It used to be a family thing where we all got to go and open the cabin but a few years ago that was changed and its BOYS ONLY! Honestly I don't mind so much because that means by the time we go everything is working, put together and we don't have to wait around and pray a water line didn't break in the winter. Ryan has been counting the days to go back to the cabin since the last time he was there in October. He loves that place and on several occasions tried to plan a way to live down there and still work somehow. He has grown up on that mountain and loves it more than anything. He seriously cant wait to take baby T there. Depending on when Tman gets here we might get to squeeze a weekend trip in before it gets to cold but we will have to see. If not, I fear Ryan will think he is taking him next Memorial Day and I have to sadly report that will not happen. I don't plan on letting that boy out of my sight until he is at least 18 YEARS old. I have seriously considered homeschooling him but if I want him to be anything productive in this world I guess its best to leave the teaching to the professionals.
Anyway... so with Ryan going away for a few days I had big plans of getting a lot done around the house.
painting, decorating, cleaning, organizing.
but then I found out I had to work all weekend.
and I adopted 2 little kids.
So all my plans went out the window.
Good thing my mama was there to help take care of the kids while I worked.
and when we were home we went a little crazy on pinterest activities and recipes.
They were my guinea pigs and I took full advantage.
Although I could have made homemade clay and paint with Ryan, I don't think it would have been as effective and fun.
After making several recipes and a few crafts I decided I should do a post on pinterest reviews. Strictly my opinions. That way those of you pinterest addicts like myself-- if you find something that interests you, you will have a little feedback before diving in. I make something from that site at least once a week and honestly there has been some amazing finds as well as some seriously horrid finds.
Food wise mainly.
Ill just start with what we did over the weekend and keep up to date with my different finds (good or bad) as I do it. That also gives me a place to remember some of the best ones.

My guinea pigs---
Devlin age 8
Teagan (aka-- the mini) age 4

Parmesan Chicken
Okay I will start out with this recipe because its pretty much a favorite in this house. I have made it several times so this wasn't really an experiment. There are 2 other recipes on Pinterest that I got confused with when I first started making this and we have accidentally tried the other 2 THIS ONE and THIS ONE and we ended up liking both of those as well all but we LOVE the Parmesan Chicken the best. Its the best of all of these.
and both kids loved every bit of this chicken. They both asked for seconds and ate it all.

Cinnamon Bun Cookies
So I know I'm pregnant and all so I shouldn't eat the cookie dough but I had to sample a little of it before it went in the oven and I have to say it was amazing. I couldn't wait until the cookies got out and we could gobble them right up. They were fun to make but did take a little time so don't use this recipe if you are just wanting to whip up a batch of cookies really fast. You need to put the dough in the freezer until its firm which the recipe says its only like 15 minutes or some silly number like that but it took closer to 2 hours for my dough to actually firm up. Not FREEZE but become hard enough that I could cut through it without it squishing.
I don't know if it was me or the cookies but they were not as soft as they look. They were a bit hard but I thought the cookies were actually really good.
Devlin said: "um they are okay." and finished his cookie
Teagan said: "I don't like it" and barley took a tiny bit and wouldn't even lick the frosting.
Soo this one has some mixed reviews.

Dole Pineapple Whips
Everything we made the kids picked out and they couldn't wait to try this. They love anything pineapple. It was rather simple to make but it took all day. Again this is something you have to freeze at different times and maybe my freezer is going out but their 1.5 hours took well over 4 hours to actually freeze to a slush.
We got it all made and served it up.
Devlin said" "Oh this is so yummy I love it." but didn't finish his little serving I gave him and never asked for it again.
Teagan said "Its kind of yummy but I don't want to eat it." and took maybe 3 bites and was done.
I thought it was good. Its something that on the first bit I didn't really love it but after taking a couple bites couldn't stop eating it.

Easy Crafty Clay
So this was kind of fun. We made the clay and actually put food coloring in it so it wasn't just white. We wanted purple but it turned out more grey. That's alright. After we got it all mixed together and cooled off they started creating. Making it was rather easy. Devlin had a vision to make a big D and put it in his room. He worked really hard to make it just right and finished within 30 minutes of when he began. The 4 year old girl played with hers for close to 2 hours. By the time she finally decided to be done and make it into some kind of shape it was a bit dried out and wouldn't hold together very good. We made a couple different shapes that were pretty flat and called it good. It says it can take a day or two to fully dry. The next morning Devlin was really upset to find his D split in like 5 places. We have no idea what happened. No one even touched it. There was no putting it back together on its own but super glue worked fine. His was still not completely dry. It was pretty moist in the middle so his took a couple days to actually dry all the way. Teagans looked okay but was cracking all over but she was still happy with hers.
The clean up was pretty easy and I would recommend making a solid shape that isn't very thick. Her heart did the best. All the pieces that were pieced together didn't hold after it ended up drying.

Painting with condensed milk
This was actually a fun one. Teagan and I loved it. Devlin--- not so much. Its fun for kids who just slather on the paint and is not trying to make a master piece. Its pretty stringy and thick so its hard to do intricate work. but for smaller kids I think its great. The colors are really fun. We used neon food coloring so the colors were super bright. Teagan painted her little heart away. When it dried it looked even cooler. It looked like it was still wet. It was really shiny and a little thicker so it stood off the page. Devlin was not such a fan. He would rather have regular paint but Teagan said she couldn't wait until we painted with the yummy paint again. Yes people we did a little taste test. I gaged but both kids thought it was yummy. My advice on this one. The paint goes a LONG way. I used a whole can of condensed milk and seriously it didn't even look like we used a single bit of it when we were done. The website has you put the colors in ice cube trays which I should have done.

*Devlin was making baby T a pic so I blurred out his name since its still under wraps*

It was a fun doing all these little things.
Hopefully it gives you some fun ideas to do with your family.


On Monday we headed to the cemetery to see Kenzie and have lunch with family. Ryan and the other boys met us there and it was sooo good go see my husband. I miss him way to much when he leaves.

*look at these little loves next to their cousin. Kenzie is just a year younger than them. I cant imagine how big she would be and how much fun these girlies would have together*

Memorial Day really isn't about the cabin or a day off work or bbq's and I don't ever want to forget that. Its a day to remember and honor so many man and women who were and still are serving our country. I am honored to have a brother who is my hero. He spent his memorial day half way across the country in a training. He has been away from his girls for 2 months now and still has another month to go. He has missed birthdays, holidays, first steps, smiles and so much more over his career. but he continues to do what he has to do to protect all of us and do his part. I couldn't be more proud. Ryan and I both have many family members, uncles, cousins and grandparents who serve or served and we are forever grateful for the sacrifices they have made. and for every single other military family out there. Its not just those who are gone, those who are serving, its their families as well. Its their wives and children.
We are so thankful to live in this country. So honored to have this freedom.

Primary Childrens Medical Center

Primary Children's Medical center was our home for almost 5 weeks.
At the time it seemed to last forever. Every single minute being spent indoors.
Next to a hospital bed. Alarms. Beeps. Nurses. Noises from other rooms. but those 5 weeks would not have been spent with my Makenzie if it wasn't for this amazing place. I get emotional every time I think about this hospital. I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and support that is packed into that building. I am in ah at the amount of lives they save. They are performing miracles in there and I couldn't imagine a better place to be if you need to be in a hospital.
Over the course of that almost 5 week period we had at least 50 shift changes.
7:00 both am and pm. Being a mom to an extremely sick child who is in quite a bit of pain you are constantly worried who you will get. Who your nurse will be today. Who your RT will be. Who will be the on call. Who will be the attending. and I can honestly say other than 2 nurses every single nurse, RT and doctor was my saving grace. We were lucky enough to have a few nurses and RT fall in love with our Makenzie and would request her when possible. Those special people will forever be hero's in my eyes.
They sat with me, they cried with me, they did everything possible to keep Makenzie happy, they listened to me, they would explain things to me over and over, they let me be a mom to Makenzie at every possible moment, they bent the rules to give her a bath, they never rushed our talks, they always included me in every morning and night time round, they would stay after the rounds to explain everything in a less doctor lingo kind of way, they would come in to talk to me in the middle of the night when I needed them to, they let me sleep, they didn't ask me to leave during said shift changes, they would make my baby smile, they would help me laugh, they would make sure I had left the room at least once during the day to at least go get something to eat and if I didn't they would make sure and tell Ryan as soon as he go there that he needed to take me to get some food, they respected me, they cared about our family, they cared about Makenzies future, they cared about her death, they hugged me, they helped us make some extremely difficult decisions, they told us their medical advice and their personal advice, they were real, they loved.
These are not people just going to work everyday for a paycheck. They are going there to make a difference. Of course you will always run into someone- anywhere that is not quite your cup of tea but I cant explain how lucky we felt to have the team that we had.
This hospital is huge. My life was lived on the second floor in the PICU.
I rarely ventured anywhere else. I heard of lots of fun programs. I was asked to participate in games on behalf of Makenzie and she was always included in prizes. We walked away with countless blankets, toys and games. and Makenzie loved it. She loved seeing something new in her room. She loved seeing a new face and would do everything she could to smile her biggest smile around all those tubes at that new person.

I have a very hard time going to that hospital. I honestly go into panic mode whenever I think baby T might have to go there someday. I cringe whenever I picture those front doors, those halls, that cafeteria, that food, that gift shop, that waiting room, the double doors and the path I walked day and night to be with Makenzie. I cant imagine living that life again. and to be honest- our stay was not long at all compared to many.
Weeks... Months... Years... There are far to many children who spend the majority of their life there. I ache for them. For their parents. Living everyday praying for that miracle. Living for the next good day. Living for moments of pain free.
This place is so important.

Every year for 28 years now, KSL Television has partnered with Primary Children's Hospital to help raise funds for children in need of medical care.
As amazing as this place is... Its not cheap and a lot of people cant pay. That doesn't stop PCMC from saving that child. Thank God Ryan and I had insurance. For months and months after Makenzie passed away we were getting bill after bill. Other than a few every bill was just a statement of what our insurance already paid for. For almost 5 weeks in the PICU Makenzies hospital bills totaled over $400,000.
and like I said, our stay was not nearly as long and others. and some don't have insurance. How in the world could anyone afford that? That is why helping in anyway possible is so crucial.
I donate anytime I'm at the grocery store and they ask if I can give a few dollars to help. I contribute to the annual telethon and with all of YOUR help we donate those amazing leggings, blankets, toys and books for going on 3 years now. What some don't realize is that donating just a dollar will make a difference. Everything helps. You are helping give other families a chance for a miracle. You are helping this amazing medical staff do what they do best.

Did You Know?
•Primary Children's cares for children of the Intermountain region regardless of their ability to pay. Last year, Primary Children's Medical Center expended $14.3 million to cover 14,792 hospital visits by needy children. Physicians donate their expertise for charity patients.
•The most popular flavor of anesthetic request at Primary Children's is bubble gum.
•Of the nation's freestanding children's hospitals, Primary Children's has the seventh highest level of acuity (most critically ill) in the nation and yet has the lowest charge per case.
•The favorite day for children to be in the hospital is Wednesday, because on Wednesday children play Hospital Bingo, and every child wins a prize.
•Primary Children's serve the largest geographical area for a children's hospital in the continental United States - serving children from Denver to the West Coast. The service area spans about 400,000 square miles.
•40,362 children were seen in the Emergency Department in 2011. This puts an average of 111 children in the ED each day.
•The Newborn Intensive Care Unit treats nearly 600 newborns a year, and has an amazing survival rate of 95 percent.
•Children at Primary Children's can order room service any hour, day or night. The most popular foods are chicken nuggets and fruit smoothies.
•Primary Children's has 281 beds - including Pediatric Intensive Care, Newborn Intensive Care, Infant, Medical, Surgical, Neuroscience Trauma, and Immunocompromised units.

I had no idea PCMC served so many children in such a large area.
That means many of you may have unfortunately already been introduced to PCMC or you might be at some point in life. I wish this hospital or any hospital for that matter wasn't used. I wish we could all be healthy and accident free. I wish there was no such pain in this world. but that just isn't realistic. and too many of us have to experience some of the scariest and hardest days of our lives in places like this.
If you can help. Please do.
Whether you can help by contributing to my leggings project or you can contribute by sparing a couple dollars at the checkout when they ask you to donate to PCMC or through this telethon.
Please help. Donate.
and say a prayer for every single child that is currently calling Primary Children's their home right now.

To learn about the leggings project visit the link at the top of my blog. Purchase a cookbook which goes toward the leggings project. or to donate to the telethon please go HERE.
If you want to shed a few tears and have your heart touched go ahead and watch THIS video. Look at those families. Look at what an amazing place Primary's is.
They will forever be my hero's.
They gave me 5 more weeks with my baby.