"I never said it would be easy... I only said it would be worth it"
I remember seeing this quote in my bishops office when I was really young. I left that ward when I was 13 so its been over 10 years since I have even thought about it. I remember at the time thinking that it was a nice saying but not really thinking much of it.
The other day while we were driving some place and I was having one of those "hard" moments. one of those turning my head so much away from ryan that he couldn't get a glimpse of my face, trying not to make a sound as i couldn't hold back the tears. i hate those moments. trying to not break the good mood we had been feeling but not being able to take my mind off the "stuff".
lately for us, there have been so many new questions and decisions to make.
why--- i don't know... maybe because life started to get a little easier and we cant let that happen so we decided to throw a wrench into the mix!
anyway- while we were driving the thought of, "this is so not easy" kept repeating over and over in my head. that's when that quote just flashed back into my head. i sat there almost taken back. not really sure what just happened but almost feeling a huge
AHH HAA moment. I couldn't get this picture of Jesus out of my head. It was this image that I saw recently in the window of Deseret book or something, i haven't ever seen this picture of Christ but it wouldn't leave my mind. I just sat there and thought- are you kidding me. Easy... I don't expect it to be easy but
are.you.kidding.me. This. This life.
I was feeling these mixed emotions of...
what the... and a weird sense of
peace.
easy.
now who ever promised life would be easy? no one. so why did i expect my life to be anything but what its been?
this road i am on is only paving the way for whats next. holy hell batman. now that scares me. does that mean there could be more...
pain... or does that mean the worst is over? who knows. ill just have to wait and see. the only thing i know is it will never be
easy. no one has an easy life. if you do, open your eyes you crazy puppet. there is no easy life.
bummer.
sure wish i could say there was hope of one but nope-- there is not.
the hope...
it comes later. after we suffer through all of this.
the lack of money, things, work, education, wants, desires, food, shelter, family, friends... will all pay off in the end. because those who have those really really NOT easy lives-- i think they will be given the most glorious ones in heaven.
now im not putting myself in this "really really NOT easy" category... sure i could say my life is the very very worst in the whole wide world but that would be a big fat lie!
oh how i miss my baby. how i wish more than anything i could have kept her even just a little longer. how i wish the next moves in life could be more clear. how i wish i could dream of her more.
how i wish i wasn't this crazy-anxiety/anti depressant pill poppin- counseling needing- crying everyday-totally irrational- praying for crazy things- curling up in her child's crib- eating cookie dough to take away the pain- kind of girl...
but... i really cant complain.
i can try, i usually do... on a daily basis actually because it makes me feel better.
but i shouldn't.
because i have soooo much.
my life isn't a fairytale, but who's is? not only do i have some pretty bad ass siblings, parentals, inlaws, friends, coworkers, aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents, blog friends, internet buddies :)
but i have this amazing- one of a kind- husband. whom i adore. and who i think kinda likes me to- sometimes, usually, well when im not in one of those crazy-anxiety/anti depressant pill poppin- counseling needing- crying everyday-totally irrational- praying for crazy things- curling up in her childs crib- eating cookie dough to take away the pain- moods...
and on top of that...
i also had an
amazing amazing life with this perfect little angel who got to change my life. i was able to be a mother to this incredible spirit who is moving mountains. and i am now able to take my angel everywhere i go. for example, when I'm flying through the trees on a 4wheeler- im talking to my mini me who is right there with me. those are the times we have the very best talks. i so wish i could see her. i so wish i could just grab her and never let go. i would give up just about anything for that...
but instead i get to know she is safe. she is happy. she is soo very loved and she is being held by our heavenly father. she is being taken care of by the most amazing people in heaven.
life is so not easy.
but i have it so much better than most.
especially those poor people who don't know these things that i KNOW.
so on these days/nights where i just cant believe we really are going through
this and we really have to make
these decisions and have to worry about
these things.
ill keep imaging my baby next to me saying:
"He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it... and Mom, Its SO worth it!"
