Festival of Trees

For 40 years, the Festival of Trees has ushered in the Holiday Season in Utah.  More importantly, every penny raised helps children at Primary Children’s Medical Center, the hospital our Makenzie spent her last month.  The Festival is organized and orchestrated by volunteers throughout the state and relies on the generous support of those who decorate and purchase trees, wreaths, gingerbread creations, playhouses, centerpieces, and quilts.

I remember going to the festival when I was young with my Mom. 

I was always amazed by the lights, the outrageous decor and the amazing spirit that filled the room.

Its been years since I have been but last year, we were lucky enough to have our own mini Festival of Trees at the hospital with us.  There were many trees brought to the hospital after the festival was over that helped brighten what, at that time, was not a very cheery-happy-celebrating time of year.  I remember this blue and white tree the best since it was so close to Makenzie's Room.  Ill never forget looking at that tree as I walked out of there the night of December 13th- I couldn't shake the little tiny bit of light that crept into my heart thinking my baby was surrounded by the most beautiful Christmas tree I could ever imagine.  

Ill never forget that feeling.

I wanted to do a tree for Makenzie this year but for lack of funds and time I just couldn't pull it off. 

That's when a group of angels stepped in.

A group of girls who never knew me, our family or Makenzie. 

They wanted to make a tree in honor of our baby. 

and a tree they made. 

The most beautiful. 

The most loving.

The most inspiring.

The most MAKENZIE tree that I could imagine for her.

I cant thank these amazing girls enough.

You can read a special article the newspaper wrote about them and our tree HERE.

Ryan and I went to the festival on auction night. 

We walked in the door found row M for of course MAKENZIE and sprinted over to our tree.

My breathe was taken away.

The first thing I thought of was that blue and white tree that was by her room last year.

My baby is so proud. She is so honored at this most special gift these young women gave her.

They captured every detail. 

The leggings, the toys, the MRW, the balloons, the angels!

Simply... Perfect...

Although we spent pretty much our whole night watching in amazement at our angels tree, we did walk around to witness all the other breathtaking trees and decor that was there.  

Its simply amazing. to see some of these stories. to see ways families are honoring their loved ones. to see how some are celebrating the gift of life. or to see the incredible generosity and support everyone has for this hospital. a place that saved my baby for a month longer than i could have. a place that provided her love, comfort, help. a place that never made me leave. a place that always kept me in the loop. a place that helped me in more ways than i could ever express. this night was wonderful. to remember the amazing team that gave me more time with her. seeing the incredible love others have for our baby and of course remembering our makenzie rye.

1 am

i don't want this time to keep moving. i just want to freeze time. i don't want another minute to come. i don't want another day, night, dream to come. i want to stop. stop everything from moving. how can everything keep going when i am not. my heart is not there. my mind cant comprehend whats happening. life has continued. this isn't real. its like the last year has been forgotten. it was put on fast forward and i just floated along for the ride. we experienced every holiday for the first time without you. every holiday. we experienced just about everyday without you. how did that happen. how did almost 365 days come and go and you were not in a single one. that feeling of getting stronger, that feeling of feeling like i can do this. that peace that started to come more often than not. i feel like its gone. its like i woke up and I'm not sure where i am. I'm just sitting here, looking around, running through the past months trying to understand what has really progressed. in the last year i went from having a family, a baby, a future, a happy home to planning a funeral, holding my child as she took her last breath, visiting a grave, sleeping at a grave, crying everyday, feeling a huge void in my heart that cant be even the least bit filled no matter what i do.
how did i walk out of that room, that hospital- get in the car, drive away and wake up the next morning with everything that just happened the night before. how did i do that. how did i wake up every other day. how have i made it through easter, mothers day, fathers day, july 18th, halloween and now thanksgiving?
oh my love i miss you. how has it felt like an eternity that i have felt you yet i sit here in disbelief that its almost been a year. a year. how have i not had you for a year. oh kenzie. how do i go on. how do i live the rest of my life. these moments are the moments i can only take one breath at a time. because. if i think about even 3 minutes from now, i want to just stop breathing. i cant. im just trying to hold on. will i be holding on for forever? do others understand? it hasn't been a year for me.
to the outside world there have been 12 months of sunrises, sunsets, family dinners, new accomplishments, new dreams, new additions...
for us, its still now. its still every second. there is no days, weeks, months or years that you can measure. there are no new things that have come and gone because we are still there. we are still so much in you. your not here. we cant hold you. we cant go home at the end of a hard day and just forget about everything. those things we want to forget is the fact that your not here but the only thing that will help is to be with you. bouncing back and forth, there is no way out. there is no where to run. its everywhere around us.

what would you look like now.
how long would your hair be. im sure you would be walking. would you be running to. how fast would you run. what toys would you like. what food would you enjoy. what would drive me crazy. what would melt my heart. what would we do. what would you say. what would our plans be. what would this last year have been like. who would you be like.

i think about you in everything i do. every choice i make. from what i want to be in life to what i get upset with (ie: milo) i am trying to be a good person. im trying to always do what is right. i want to live to make you proud makenzie. im trying. everyday. im trying to be more like you so i can be with you again. i just cant think of how long its going to take me. i have so much work to do.

i miss you. every inch of me. my whole body aches. i just want to hold you. see you. make sure you are okay. make sure you are happy.

you are mine. 

forever.

makenzie rye.

you are my daughter.

please come hold me tonight. i need you. please oh please, just let me see you in my dreams.
just for a second.

Thanksgiving Day

Happy Thanksgiving my little Turkey.

Last year, our Thanksgiving, your 1st Thanksgiving was not what I hoped it would be.

no turkey, no potato's, no special dress

your mama was very upset. i had a hard day.

our family really wanted to get us out of the hospital for just a moment. they wanted us to have a good day and enjoy ourselves for just a bit. i didn't want to leave. i didn't want to spend even a moment not by your side. somehow i was convinced and i left. they gave up cooking that big traditional dinner, having left overs and relaxing at home to wait for hours to get into the fabulous and CLOSE

little america thanksgiving dinner.

your daddy and i left at the last possible second and sped the whole way there. we ran in just as everyone was being seated. we ate everything from turkey, stuffing, prime rib, shrimp, every potato you could imagine, bread, cheese, chicken, crab legs.... 

i tried not to act like i was stuffing my face only to rush back to your side. i wanted to be with them. but not more than i just wanted to be with you. i wanted to spend today with you. it didn't help to see hundreds of other kids running around with their fancy dresses on, families enjoying time with each other, all the while i couldn't stop picturing my baby laying in a hospital bed.

daddy finally finished and we left. we ran back to the truck. dad tried to rush out of the parking lot but decided to rip off his mirror in the process. we never even thought twice before we sped off ignoring what just happened.

it just didn't matter.

we were gone 60 minutes. 

but we were gone for 60 minutes of your only thanksgiving.

being a mother, i never let myself off the hook, i shouldn't have gone. i always think that. 

this year. i just wanted you even more.

i just wanted to see your soft, milky white cheeks that were seriously as sweet as sugar. 

i could kiss them every second.

the year before you came, i had a perfect 1st thanksgiving outfit bought for you. i wish you could have worn it. i did my best that day by dressing you in festive orange leggings with a matching bow.

this year didn't turn out like planned. 

but once we realized we could spend our thanksgiving with you, it made it a bit better.

we had a hard time finding fun fall/thanksgiving stuff to bring you. 

we did our best.

thanks to your dad, i had to carry all the decor- 

and he carried 1 windshield whipper.

daddy cleaned your headstone off. dried it and made it look nice and clean.

*grandma and papa brought up some fun treats for you to*

 thanksgiving/fallish balloons were also slim pickings.

but we got what we could, filled them with lots of kisses and sent them away.

when daddy and i are alone with you... we do things that are a little unconventional... we played baseball with your old halloween decor, we ran through the snow and tried not to fall in the holes, then we decided it was the perfect open spot to mark your territory!

so this isnt very small. to get this picture we had to do this....

ha. your poor dad. he sure puts up with my craziness in the most patient ways.

*if you cant tell, im sitting on his shoulders to get high enough to get every letter in the picture*

for thanksgiving 2010 we... 

pretty much just got fat.

dinner at grandma and papa's 

quick visit to great gma webster

play date with you

dinner #2 at grandma and jesses.

the food was so yummy at both places.

DON'T worry, dad wasn't full enough that he didn't stop half way through our day to pick up a KING size butter finger and finish it! seriously. he makes me laugh.

i am SURE the highlight of your day was watching a whole lota this...

that's right.

the 1st annual thanksgiving dance off.

it was a battle between 5 incredibly talented little girlies.... and.... your mama.

my oh my.

they showed me some pretty good new moves, that's for sure.

but i did squeeze in showing them some of our signature moves.

the night was all about

the single ladies,

party in the usa,

tik tok,

dynamite,

don't stop believin,

sound of music 

and a few other random hits that ended up getting played.

i think i lost just about all that turkey weight i just packed on with that much movin around.

then the night ended.

we left.

then we cried.

we miss you.

more than you could ever believe.

we are needing.

every second.

missing who we had last year.

....

..

.

but we also cried because last year we had the pleasure of still having you.

.

..

....

thank you so much makenzie rye for being in our life.

for today, yesterday, tomorrow and the rest of our lives we will be eternally grateful for every breath you took. for the life you gave us. for every smile, giggle, move, cry, stare, messy diaper, incredible moments you gave us. thank you for being ours. for being our biggest hero. thank you for fighting hard. 

thank you for giving us your first thanksgiving.

we love you.

happy turkey day. hope you ate some good stuff.

our last minute thanksgiving

bags packed------ check
car cleaned out and gassed up------- check
dog sitters assigned------- check
bday/Thanksgiving/Christmas presents wrapped and loaded in the car------ check
bag of our most favorite yet fatty snacks------ check

on our way to washington state!
for thanksgiving!
spending it with my brother and his family!!!

wellll.....
that was the plan.
until the storm of the century (at least they thought) came roaring through the west.
we have been planning, waiting and preparing for this getaway.
we watched the weather and prayed it would ease up.
we had high hopes when this "blizzard" the news has been talking about only left us with a few inches of snow.
we left for our last day of work this morning before our afternoon departure,
so ready to get out of town.

my normal 25-30 min drive to work took me almost 2 hours.
it wasn't snowing
but it was pure ice
luckily i didn't slide all over the road but plenty of other cars around me did.

after i thanked God and Kenzie for saving my life on the way in
ryan called
told me he just doesn't have a good feeling.
we checked the road conditions AGAIN
didn't look to good either
utah wasn't our concern, it was idaho up to washington that we feared.

after i cried-
yelled in the phone to ryan about how i just wanted to get away, forget life, forget this time of year, forget what we were doing last thanksgiving, forget everything and just enjoy some much needed time with my brother-
i collected myself-
whipped my tears-
talked to my brother who i know is disappointed but completely understands-
i said a little prayer.
i thanked God for today. i told him i would try to have a better attitude if he promised to give me extra squeezes. i asked my baby to stay close because i need to feel her.
then i finished my work day before a nice long holiday weekend.

im sad, disappointed, missing my family... but im going to look at things a little different. now ryan and i can spend the day with the rest of our family. we get to take all our thanksgiving decor to kenzie on thanksgiving. we will do a little christmas shopping (not at 4am this year) and just be with each other.

today im so thankful for my family.
every.....
aunt
uncle
cousin
distant relative
"friend" family
brother
sister
inlaw
niece
nephew
grandparent
mom
dad
daughter
husband
.....

im also thankful for:
clean socks
shovels
my new computer since the other blew up :(
magnets
wrapping paper
a warm house
scentsy warmer with fall-ish scents
a dishwasher
milk
fluffy towels

Thankful for that understanding.

Hey Sweet Girl.

I just cant believe you are 16 months and 4 days old... Where has the time gone? 2 years ago I was planning your arrival- totally ecstatic that within a few months you would be here.
Last year I was praying for your life. Never leaving your side.  We just found out a day before that they thought you had something called SMA. We were studying this disease, we started to prepare our life for this change. We were trying to breathe as we were sinking in this ocean of pain.  I never thought that would happen, that would be our life. That only happened to other people. Now we were there.

I remember the day Dr. Swoboda told us you had a neuromuscular disease of some type and she was leaning toward SMA.  You were sharing a room with a really sweet little boy who had been in and out of the hospital his whole life. I think he was 4ish.  His mom was one of the first people to talk to me after they got you all hooked up in the PICU. She was so sweet and assured me you were in excellent care.
On November 20th Dr. Swoboda did some testing on you. There was a lot of needle pokes, getting shocked, drawing blood and lots and lots of tears.  I stayed with you the whole time. We held our heads together and our tears soaked the sheets.  I hated seeing you hurt. I hated knowing you were scared and didn't know what was happening to your body.  The testing took what seemed like hours.  Dad came in the midst of the whole ordeal.  Grandma D and Grandma B both came as well but we asked them to wait in the waiting room until we came out.  After the testing there was no waiting, there was no discussing. I guess it was that obvious what the problem was.  Dr Swoboda asked us to sit down.  We sat in that chair/bed thing that I actually grew accustom to by this point.  I remember her sitting across from us, telling us this news that I just couldn't really comprehend.  You had a neuromuscular what.... A disease.  We were being told we might not be able to watch you grow, we were told you most likely couldn't ever walk.  The blood work had to be sent for confirmation but from the other testing done so far it was definitely some type of neuromuscular disease.  Your body was starting to fail you.  There are different types of SMA, what you could and couldn't do would vary and we wouldn't know anything for sure until it either did or didn't happen. Either you would learn to sit up or you wouldn't, either you would learn to walk or you wouldn't... There was no sure answer right now anyway we looked at it.  I remember her telling me the words SMA... SPINAL MUSCULAR ATROPHY... SMA... I kept saying those words over and over in my head. I knew I wouldn't completely understand everything she told us so I knew I would have to get online to find out more.  After she finished, she cried with us, gave us a hug and left.  I remember walking over to Makenzie- looked at her- turned to Ryan and just fell.  He grabbed me and I couldn't hold myself up.  He kept telling me to calm down and we would figure things out.  I was shaking and telling him... no, no, no... I just couldn't believe this.  He was worried about the other family in the room and nurses. I don't even remember them. I didn't want to be a grown up, I didn't want to put myself together, I didn't want to leave the room, I didn't want to try and understand, I didn't want to learn more, I didn't want to pretend that I can get through this.  I'm a kid. I cant do this. I kept thinking that. I just cant do this. Kenzie was fine by this point, she was over her traumatic testing and was busy shoving her fist in her mouth and staring at me while I cried.  We turned the TV on for her and Ryan insisted we go talk to our Mothers who were anxiously waiting in the hall.  We all cried.
We told our mothers what they just told us. I was so numb. I just didn't understand. I didn't know what to do. Should I go learn more about this disease, should I go back into the room with Kenzie, should I go throw up, should I crumble to the ground, should I run, should I act like I'm okay and go get food with my starving husband... I just remember feeling confused.
I cant remember what we did after. I cant remember what I did next. 
But that night, during shift change, I went to the computer and learned what I could in a few minutes time about SMA.

That time was so scary Makenzie. I was so scared for you. I was so scared for what life would be. I worried what would happen to you next.
But what I never expected, especially after those crazy thoughts came into my mind when I was pregnant and worried something would be wrong with you, That if this actually happened, I would look at you, and my love for you would never change.
I never really cared if you could walk, talk, run and play. I never really cared if I had to care for your every need for the rest of your life. The only thing that I wanted was to make sure you were happy, loved and know we would do anything and everything for you.
I am not sure why I thought I would look at you differently. Maybe because you can never really prepare for what feelings, thought or emotions you will go through in certain situations until you are smack dab in the middle of them.  I have said this before and will say it again, I always thought I would just die if something bad happened to my child- even before you came along I just couldn't imagine the thought. But there we were. In a hospital room, looking at the life you may or may not lead, monitoring your oxygen levels, going through various treatments, holding your hand, being your voice and somehow we grew the strength to endure it. 
I never ever imagined how much love I could actually have for someone until you came along,
I then never ever imagined how much love I had for you until this. 

You Ms. Makenzie changed the way I thought about most everything in life. You helped me grow in such a remarkable way. I no longer look at others the same. No matter who they are. You help me judge less and help more. You make me look at everything as if its a gift.

You are our gift. The very best gift we ever ever could receive.
Every inch of your perfect, amazing, beautiful self was a gift.

Give Heavenly Father a kiss from me, Because today, I'm so Thankful he gave me that understanding of how much I completely, with the most purest of heart, with everything I have - Love You.
I am missing you like crazy my little muffin.

Drum Roll Please....

The moment you have all been waiting for,
Which I am sure has kept you up late at night,
And probably been on your mind non stop,
What will I be when I grow up!

HA. Okay so this was just a fun little make you smile thing. I know its not that big of deal what I'm going to be. I mean it is to Ryan and I, but I definitely don't expect it to be your tip top concern in life :)
At least I hope not.
I just wanted to get a little fun back into the day and it gives me an excuse to do a crafty project.

Like I said in my last post- growing up I wanted to run a daycare..
That ambition didn't last after I graduated and got into the real world needing real money.
I started school fall semester of 2007. I started out with 1 class a semester then graduated into 2 whole classes a semester! So 3 years later- I am still a long way off from just my ASSOCIATES!
I have hated school- I am not good at learning. I am hands on and learn if I'm in the middle of it.
I also hated school because I never knew what I wanted to get my degree in.
It never motivated me to do well. The only thing that motivated me not to fail was that I was paying for every second I was wasting away in that class room and I hate wasting my time. So if I passed I felt it was worth it.

When Kenzie got sick I turned into a mother doctor/nurse over night. I knew everything they were doing, I knew the lingo, I knew what each test did, I knew what was happening to every part of her body.
It was definitely the mother in me because within weeks being back home and without her, I have pretty much forgotten everything. If I see certain things in pictures ill remember a little but not like I could then.
I thought about being a nurse, being a doctor, being a scientist. Thinking I have a huge connection there and I would be able to help others. Then I looked into the schooling, the things you do, the different areas of the job and never really felt right. I kept thinking what it would be like to tell another mother their child was dieing. It made me sick. I couldn't even say those words.  The people in that profession are incredible. They have a special gift that not many have.  Every person that had to break some bad news to me did it in such a loving and supportive way.  I never felt they were rude, ignorant or that I was just another patient.  They cried with me, they hugged me, they mourned the loss of a beautiful little girl that they grew to love as well.
I might be able to do the empathy part- but I couldn't handle being on the other end of the news because I know what will come after- I know what those parents will feel in a week, a month, a year. They will never understand how much pain they will go through until they do- and I know they will. That is what made me know that isn't my calling. I want to help- I want to help all the time- not just on good days. I don't want to break bad news to a family.

So until a few months ago I had NO idea what my plan in life was. I would stress and stress, cry, wonder, pray. I couldn't understand why I had to stay here, live this life, without my baby. AND why did I have to lose my baby. It wasn't just a random act, she was special, she was chosen, she had a special purpose and I believe it was mainly to help me.
Oh that girl has changed me in so many ways its unreal. Every thought, every action, every emotion, everything is done completely different than it was a few years ago. Before she came into my life- I had no life. Not a productive life anyway. My daughter saved me. I owe her my life for that.

The hardest part of Kenzie being sick was watching her lose everything. I remember watching her the weekend before she went to PCMC and she was laying with Brady on the couch. Brady was huge, kicking his legs, throwing his arms, holding his head up. He was thriving. I looked at my tiny, limp baby and felt sick.  That night I prayed that she was okay. I didn't know why she wasn't kicking her legs, holding her head up, moving, babbling, growing.  The next few days was pure hell watching her lose the ability to breathe.  Then lose the ability to move after being tied down with tubes. Then losing the ability to eat- even with a feeding tube. Watching my daughters body fail was the worst torture I have ever and will ever have to face. Watching her life end. Watching her freedom be taken away.

I want to help.
I want to make a difference. So a few months ago I heard of a profession from a good friend. Her beautiful daughter saw one. It helped her. It gave her more freedom. 
Then it clicked. I didn't even know what this profession really was before I knew this was it.
I researched online, I went to an information class, I met with school counselors, I shadowed.
With everything I read, every class I went to, every form I filled out I couldn't deny the incredible urge to put my life into doing this.

I am going to school to become an Occupational Therapist.
Occupational therapists help patients improve their ability to perform tasks in living and working environments. They work with individuals who suffer from a mentally, physically, developmentally, or emotionally disabling condition. Occupational therapists use treatments to develop, recover, or maintain the daily living and work skills of their patients. The therapist helps clients not only to improve their basic motor functions and reasoning abilities, but also to compensate for permanent loss of function. The goal is to help clients have independent, productive, and satisfying lives.
AKA: Freedom.

The ability to improve ones life in the simplest way makes me want to jump up and down with excitement.
I did everything possible to give Makenzie as much freedom as possible. Trying different positions in the bed, hanging toys in certain ways, holding her hands when she needed help holding onto something, massaging her body to keep the blood flowing and decrease pain. I would have gone to the moon and back to give any little bit of her freedom back. If she could just eat, just breathe, just kick her legs-- anything. I would give up everything.

So dedicating my life it is. And my husband gets to come along for the ride.
Good thing he is sooo supportive and amazing and so excited for me to do this to.
First thing on the agenda---
Putting our house on the market. We want to move closer to school so we can cut down to only 1 vehicle. Which brings me to the next step, selling our prized possession. Ryans best friend. His Truck!
Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is, For him to offer to sell it so we can pay for school!
The shock of our decisions has sunk in and the scared, jittery feeling is gone. Now we just feel this is right. We are excited to embark on the next chapter of our lives and see where it takes us.  Ill be starting school full time this spring. EEEK!!! That's what makes me nervous.
Ryan will be going as well so hopefully we can cross paths every once in a while. 
We keep saying-- only 5ish years and then it will all be done.
And for Ryan being such a wonderful and loving husband--- I promised him his dream! The next house we purchase will have land so he can buy a horse!
(if you don't remember, he thinks he is a cowboy)



Unfortunately NO ONE guessed my future profession right!
But that's okay, I still put all of your names in a hat and drew it with a blind fold on. I promise I didn't cheat.
So the winner of custom magnet stand....

REBECCA NATE!

Thank You everyone for playing!

this one's for you...

So there is only 1 more day until the big winner is announced.
If you haven't already submitted a vote, you better get over there now!
If you are a stranger and never left a comment- don't worry- we will be come friends in no time.
Its really a silly game, I guess my way of begging for attention.
SO give it to me and win a prize in the process.
I'm not ashamed to admit, I buy others love.
Just ask Ryan :)

Onto other Thanks-giving-y related things.
What are you all doing?
I have been dreading the holidays. Seriously.
I wish we could skip them all. BUT. At the same time, these are my most favorite holidays and time of year so it leaves me totally bummed and confused and a little excited that Christmas music is already playing.
Today is not a bad day. I guess I prayed extra hard last night and this morning so I feel the relief a little.
All day yesterday, and I can already tell all day today I'm remembering what was going on last year. I am remembering those first days. I am remembering how much she was still struggling. I have written down those memories in a little notebook I have- mainly because I hate bumming all of you out on such a regular basis.

This blog has been such a blessing to me. Its given me a voice at times I didn't feel I had one. I am able to write every little feeling I have and get it out in a much better way than anywhere else. Sounds weird but its so true. Its also given me the amazing opportunity to learn of MANY of you. I have been strengthened by you. Your sweet comments on my bad days... your advice...your blogs. I should definitely comment more but I usually spend my Internet time running through all those other lives I check up on and getting off before my laptop burns my legs off (I use the computer while sitting on the couch, the laptop sits on my legs and it gets so hot it seriously burns me)
Then I try to pay a little attention to the hubs, dogs and my precious reality tv.

So today--- I wanted to write a big post about everything I'm grateful for but instead I'm changing my plan to write a post saying how grateful I am for all of you.
AND when I mean YOU I mean YOU!!!
Thank you for reading our story,
Thank you for saying Makenzie,
Thank you for telling me that its okay,
Thank you for crying with us,
Thank you for your prayers- you have no idea how much they help,
Thank you for the friends who have bravely written emails that I now chat with on a regular basis
                 (I promise I am not that mean, I write you back- It might take a little time but I will write you back :),
Thank you for advice,
Thank you for your friendship
More than anything Thank you for remembering her.

You are all amazing. I hope you have a wonderful day!