Sunday, May 17, 2015

Not an easy topic.

This blogs main purpose has always been to document our day to day life for my family. To keep family that is not near up to date on what we are doing, all so I can print it into a blog book. My online scrapbook if you will. It became a huge support for me and a way to connect with other people when Makenzie was sick and after she died. Its been a journal of my deepest darkest days at times and other times its just been a summary of our daily life.
Other than mentioning it a few times I have been very vague about certain aspects in my past. I am open about it but haven't felt the need to write about it. Not because I don't think its important or its not a big deal but because its hard. Its a part of my life I try to avoid at all costs. Pushing it out of my mind. Not thinking about it and rarely talking about it. but it still effects so much about me every single day. There is a lot of hurt.

I started to write about these parts of my life. HERE.
I wrote 2 posts last year. Shortly after my dad killed himself.
I wrote a small amount. Then I had to back away from writing it. Something about writing about that part of my life has been harder than writing about anything else. Including the death of Makenzie.
This past year has been the absolute worst year with it came to dealing with my flashbacks, fears, anxiety & trying to remember.
It was this past year when going to a new counselor that I was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am sibling #3 who has been clinically diagnosed with this.
Part of having PTSD, my defense mechanism, is to completely block out memories.
Block them out so well that even if I try, I can't remember. I have been doing this for most of my life. I have gotten really good at it. Blocking out life. Blocking out memories. Good and bad.
but then they come out.
Sometimes through triggers or being in certain situations or talking to certain people or reading certain words or they have even come out when I'm sitting and doing nothing. They can come out of nowhere. and when they come they completely consume me. They take over every thought and feeling and emotion and its on me thick. I can't get it off me. The smells and flashbacks and the images that replay in my mind. The feelings that creep over my body.
What is even worse than those flashbacks. Is having flashbacks with no memory.
Its being so numbingly terrified about something and having no clue why. Its having anger outbursts and not being able to explain it. Its having irrational thoughts and not being able to stop it because you don't know where its coming from.
My defense mechanism has kept me here. Alive. and a functioning person for nearly 28 years.
Up until last year- I was okay to just not think about my past. To not acknowledge the details in what happened and almost accept the things I didn't remember. I could block out the past and focus only on the present.
but when my dad killed himself last May. Something in me changed. I was no longer able to keep all of that away. It came at me like a broken dam and has continued to nearly drown me since.
Trying to understand. The triggers. The fears. The wondering. The questions. The flashbacks. The overwhelming sadness. The betrayal. The worry. The daily struggle to feel like I am worth it.
I mentioned in my other 2 posts about some of the abuse.
The words he would say to me. Those are things that I haven't ever been able to block out of my mind. Those are words that replay in my mind daily. Words that kick me to the ground and stomp on me until I can no longer breath. Words of being worthless, discussing, unlovable, dirty, stupid.
Those words are my daily fight and always have been.
but this past year- more than ever- instead of once in a while- its been nearly every single touch.
I freeze.
The way my husband not only interacts with my son. but every single touch he gives me.
The way he will look at me sometimes or a word he might say.
ALL COMPLETELY INNOCENT. Will make my body freeze. I get numb and my breathing gets heavy. My body feels limp and I shake. When this all started is when I nearly RAN into a counselors office. I needed HELP. I feel fortunate enough to not be afraid to seek professional help about this. because for me. Its not about me. Its about my husband and that sweet little boy who I will be damned to let experience an ounce of what my life was.
So through professional help I am trying to figure this out.
The only way to get help with PTSD is to talk through it. Its going to get worse before it gets better and I am here to say its gotten a lot worse. but I know I will get better.

Why am I here once again after nearly a year writing about this?
because its now time for me to speak up and stop being silent.
My struggle is far from over. but the ABUSE is done.
I feel its my duty not only as a victim but as a human being to start talking about this issue.
Its uncomfortable. Its awkward. Its not a fun topic. I get it. I am living it. BUT we as a society need to stop keeping our heads buried in the ground and we need to start doing MORE.
Its not just about you and whats going on in your home. Which by the way most abuse is done by someone you know and trust! but we as a society need to start looking out for one another.
Stop being so afraid to say something. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE!

Its taken me a long time to feel strong enough to write this post and share it.
I understand and I am with you that this is a very HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE topic.

What did abuse look like in my life?
It was my father.
The man that was suppose to be my protector.
The man who was respected.
The man who was educated.
The man who the outside world thought was a great man.
The man who people trusted.
The man who was active in church.
He was the man who everyone let their kids come over for sleepovers.
He was the man who knew how to talk to people and make everyone else feel dumb.
He was the man who over the span of DECADES
OVER 30 girls.

This should have been stopped long ago.
We need to all learn the signs.
We need to learn how to talk to our own kids and friends of our kids and neighbors and other family members. We need to learn what to do when we suspect abuse. We need to educate ourselves.
We need to learn how we can speak up.
I will be posting more.
Posting about the warning signs, tips on if you suspect abuse and how to do everything you can to protect your own family. Ill continue to tell my story. I hope to help educate others. To make this topic one that isn't so off limits.
Trust me, this will not be easy for me.
but I feel its needed.
Something to think about...

1 in 4 GIRLS
1 in 6 BOYS


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