Not being enough.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Why do we critic everything we do? When is whatever we do going to be good enough?
I am so many insecurities. I am constantly thinking how I should have done this or that or should be better at this... I do this daily. With just about everything I do.
I know a lot of my issues comes from my past. It was clearly told to us- very early on in life- that we were not good enough. We were dumb and worthless. For some reason I haven't ever been able to get those words out of my mind. Its as if I was formed around those words. Those word defined me very early on in life and I have become those words.
I have tried to not believe those words. I have tried to change my thinking. I could try harder. but with what I have done to try and change it- It hasn't changed.
I feel like those insecurities have kind of exploded lately.
Constantly feeling less than. Constantly trying to play catch up for those around me. Trying to be a better wife. A better Mom. A better friend and sister. A better neighbor. A better customer. A better cook and activity leader. A better party planner. A better financial planner. A better singer and dancer. The list goes on and on. I am constantly putting a new hat on my head of what I need to be better at. I then have to juggle all of those hats. Making sure they stay on just right, I don't have one tilt to one side to much or get dirty and heaven forbid I trip and they all fall.
The world that we live in now its very clear we are not good enough. We don't work out enough, we don't eat healthy enough, we don't play with our kids enough, we don't read to them enough, we don't brush their teeth enough, we don't call people in stead of text enough, we don't clean enough, we don't explore enough, we don't love enough, we don't take good enough pictures.
The last few months I have been critiquing myself to the death. I have not been good enough for anyone. It has really effected my marriage. Who I am as a Mom. How I view my friends and family.
I realized that its distorting my views on life. When someone says something to me I immediately feel like its an attack. Why? Its a simple comment. Why am I twisting their words? I hate when people do that to me. I am seeing the jealous bug creep up more and more. Why can't I stop and be thankful for what I do have. Yes there are a lot of things in life that I want. and to be honest I really only want a couple really bad right now. Yes they are big things like... another kid... but I can't do anymore than what I'm doing right now. So why be jealous? Why beat myself up that I am not good enough and that for some reason that's why its not happening?
I have let this take over me.
I have done this in the past. Its always been something I struggle with. but it comes in waves. I think this is the longest its had a really solid grip on me. I have never been in a place in my life where I was ever confident. That I felt I was good in that area. but I have been closer to that point at certain points in my life than at other times.
What kind of shook me up more recently is watching my son. Watching him experience life lately. Seeing what he is learning and how much he is soaking up. Our facial expressions, our attitude, our temperament. He is soaking it up faster today than he ever has. I was doing my normal avoiding looking in the mirror one day and I caught a glimpse of myself and than Tracker in the background. Its a weird vision to think of but that image stuck with me. I saw myself in the mirror and I knew what I told myself everyday. I then saw my child. That innocent little boy in the mirror who at this point in his life thinks he can do anything. That he is the strongest and bravest and smartest and cutest and funniest little thing to ever exist. and I nearly lost it thinking of him ever talking to himself the way I talk to myself.
So over the last few days I have been trying to make a change. To say something nice to myself every time I look in the mirror.
eeehhh... Its hard. There is so many more harsh comments I can make than good ones.
and the entire time I say something good I am thinking I am boosting myself too much and that no one else probably thinks that of me.
HELLO! Why is this? Why have I let 28 years go by feeling this way?
I would never want someone else to feel this. I would want to sit them down and tell them a million good things about them. So why is it so hard for me to say 1 good thing about myself?
This will be an ongoing battle. Something I have to train myself not to do.
but I have to do it.

Leggings!

Happy Friday!
Life is busy busy busy right now. We have so much going on I can't keep it all straight.
We struggle. We are overwhelmed. but goodness we are Happy. I am consistently learning how to balance Ryan and Tracker and Friends and Family and working and building a future and caring what others think of me and putting energy into those who matter and cooking enough healthy meals and turning the tv off more. Running more and not worrying about cleaning as much.
Balance People.
Good God.
Its hard.
I know all you Mama's can relate.
So I will get you all caught up on our happenings soon but right now the balance that I need to focus on is what holds a very special place in my heart and that's The Leggings Project.
So many of you that follow me on Instagram and Facebook know I have been talking about it and so many of you have donated! Thank YOU! Thank YOU! I am so thankful!
but its not too late if you are interested. Every donation means something. Every donation will help!
I would love to place another wholesale order of leggings for this years donation.
I am able to get leggings for $2 a pair. So a $2 donation = 1 pair of leggings! That's amazing!
If you would rather donate knee high leggings that ill sew into leggings that would be perfect as well!
You can learn more about the leggings and why the project came to be by clicking the Leggings tab at the top of the page.

You can send money through paypal livingformrw@hotmail.com
You can send a check or send money through Venmo.
Contact me for more information.

Summer Break

Its been a while!
I have missed this blog. This space to share and connect.
The last few months have been a bit crazy. Busy. Fun. Frustrating. Overwhelming... Life I guess.
Our Tracker just turned 3! Can you believe it?
I can't believe we have now had him in our arms for 3 years.
He is funny, smart, creative, silly, wild, full of energy and the sweetest little person you will ever know. He cars so much about others feelings and if they are happy or sad.
He is my greatest blessing. He has shown me so much about life and what its really about.
Kenzie had her 6th birthday in July! Wow. I can't even believe she would be in 1st grade this year.
Ryan is in school and working full time. I still have all my kids that I babysit and I love it.
Im getting ready to place another wholesale order for leggings. We have been collecting all year. I can't wait to share more about that. If you are interested in learning more about how to donate leggings let me know. Click the link at the top if you are not sure what the Leggings project even is!
You can donate money through paypal (livingformrw@hotmail.com), check, Venmo or donate leggings and socks!
I am able to buy these leggings for $1.75 so even a small donation will make a huge difference!
Cant wait to start connecting with you all again!

Mothering

There is nothing in my life that I love more than being a Mom. 

Since I can remember, I have always dreamed, wished and talked about the day I would be a Mom.

Since my very first Mothers day- being a Mom but unfortunately without a baby in my arms... 

I always thought of that day more as Makenzies day. She is the one who made me a Mom. She is the very first person I have ever fallen in love with on that level. The moment she was born will forever be tattooed in my mind. The greatest moment in my life. She was mine and we needed each other more than we could have ever imagined. 

When Tracker was born I never dreamed how much more my heart could love. Day after day I am proven wrong that I couldn't love him anymore. How is this possible? I still can't understand it. 

My babies are my happiness, my hope, my future, my smiles & my focus. 

Everyday I strive to be better for them. Both of them. How can I be a better Mom to Tracker here. How can prepare myself to be a better Mom for Makenzie when I can see her again.

I am honored to have been chosen to bring them into this world.

Mothers Day is just a reminder how blessed I am. 

That I am lucky. 

My arms & my heart is full. 

Happy Mothers Day.

Not an easy topic.

This blogs main purpose has always been to document our day to day life for my family. To keep family that is not near up to date on what we are doing, all so I can print it into a blog book. My online scrapbook if you will. It became a huge support for me and a way to connect with other people when Makenzie was sick and after she died. Its been a journal of my deepest darkest days at times and other times its just been a summary of our daily life.
Other than mentioning it a few times I have been very vague about certain aspects in my past. I am open about it but haven't felt the need to write about it. Not because I don't think its important or its not a big deal but because its hard. Its a part of my life I try to avoid at all costs. Pushing it out of my mind. Not thinking about it and rarely talking about it. but it still effects so much about me every single day. There is a lot of hurt.

I started to write about these parts of my life. HERE.
I wrote 2 posts last year. Shortly after my dad killed himself.
I wrote a small amount. Then I had to back away from writing it. Something about writing about that part of my life has been harder than writing about anything else. Including the death of Makenzie.
This past year has been the absolute worst year with it came to dealing with my flashbacks, fears, anxiety & trying to remember.
It was this past year when going to a new counselor that I was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am sibling #3 who has been clinically diagnosed with this.
Part of having PTSD, my defense mechanism, is to completely block out memories.
Block them out so well that even if I try, I can't remember. I have been doing this for most of my life. I have gotten really good at it. Blocking out life. Blocking out memories. Good and bad.
but then they come out.
Sometimes through triggers or being in certain situations or talking to certain people or reading certain words or they have even come out when I'm sitting and doing nothing. They can come out of nowhere. and when they come they completely consume me. They take over every thought and feeling and emotion and its on me thick. I can't get it off me. The smells and flashbacks and the images that replay in my mind. The feelings that creep over my body.
What is even worse than those flashbacks. Is having flashbacks with no memory.
Its being so numbingly terrified about something and having no clue why. Its having anger outbursts and not being able to explain it. Its having irrational thoughts and not being able to stop it because you don't know where its coming from.
My defense mechanism has kept me here. Alive. and a functioning person for nearly 28 years.
Up until last year- I was okay to just not think about my past. To not acknowledge the details in what happened and almost accept the things I didn't remember. I could block out the past and focus only on the present.
but when my dad killed himself last May. Something in me changed. I was no longer able to keep all of that away. It came at me like a broken dam and has continued to nearly drown me since.
Trying to understand. The triggers. The fears. The wondering. The questions. The flashbacks. The overwhelming sadness. The betrayal. The worry. The daily struggle to feel like I am worth it.
I mentioned in my other 2 posts about some of the abuse.
The words he would say to me. Those are things that I haven't ever been able to block out of my mind. Those are words that replay in my mind daily. Words that kick me to the ground and stomp on me until I can no longer breath. Words of being worthless, discussing, unlovable, dirty, stupid.
Those words are my daily fight and always have been.
but this past year- more than ever- instead of once in a while- its been nearly every single touch.
I freeze.
The way my husband not only interacts with my son. but every single touch he gives me.
The way he will look at me sometimes or a word he might say.
ALL COMPLETELY INNOCENT. Will make my body freeze. I get numb and my breathing gets heavy. My body feels limp and I shake. When this all started is when I nearly RAN into a counselors office. I needed HELP. I feel fortunate enough to not be afraid to seek professional help about this. because for me. Its not about me. Its about my husband and that sweet little boy who I will be damned to let experience an ounce of what my life was.
So through professional help I am trying to figure this out.
The only way to get help with PTSD is to talk through it. Its going to get worse before it gets better and I am here to say its gotten a lot worse. but I know I will get better.

Why am I here once again after nearly a year writing about this?
because its now time for me to speak up and stop being silent.
My struggle is far from over. but the ABUSE is done.
I feel its my duty not only as a victim but as a human being to start talking about this issue.
Its uncomfortable. Its awkward. Its not a fun topic. I get it. I am living it. BUT we as a society need to stop keeping our heads buried in the ground and we need to start doing MORE.
Its not just about you and whats going on in your home. Which by the way most abuse is done by someone you know and trust! but we as a society need to start looking out for one another.
Stop being so afraid to say something. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE!

Its taken me a long time to feel strong enough to write this post and share it.
I understand and I am with you that this is a very HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE topic.
But its NECESSARY!

What did abuse look like in my life?
It was my father.
The man that was suppose to be my protector.
The man who was respected.
The man who was educated.
The man who the outside world thought was a great man.
The man who people trusted.
The man who was active in church.
He was the man who everyone let their kids come over for sleepovers.
He was the man who knew how to talk to people and make everyone else feel dumb.
He was the man who over the span of DECADES
ABUSED.
MOLESTED.
OVER 30 girls.

This should have been stopped long ago.
We need to all learn the signs.
We need to learn how to talk to our own kids and friends of our kids and neighbors and other family members. We need to learn what to do when we suspect abuse. We need to educate ourselves.
We need to learn how we can speak up.
I will be posting more.
Posting about the warning signs, tips on if you suspect abuse and how to do everything you can to protect your own family. Ill continue to tell my story. I hope to help educate others. To make this topic one that isn't so off limits.
Trust me, this will not be easy for me.
but I feel its needed.
Something to think about...

1 in 4 GIRLS

1 in 6 BOYS

WILL BE ABUSED

BEFORE THEIR 18TH BIRTHDAY.

90% OF ABUSE

GOES UNREPORTED.

Bowling

We love bowling. Tracker LOVES bowling. We tried to get him his own lane but they said they were too busy-- even though both lanes on either side of us were empty the entire time we were there. Oh well. This was the first time he got his own pair of shoes which were so cute I almost put them in my purse to keep forever. We payed 2 games but Track could have stayed for hours more. He picked a blue ball which was 11lbs! He would grab his ball, throw it down the lane, stand there intently watching his ball, jump up and down and throw his hands in the air saying "I did it" after the pins would fall. He then would RUN back to where the ball comes back to you, holding his hands waiting for it to come back. Ryan and I pretty much went 1 of our 2 turns since Tracker just couldn't wait his turn. He had so much energy the entire time and was soo happy. He cried when we took his shoes off and said "No I love my bowden ball!"

We saw they had an arcade as we were leaving and decided to just blow $30 and let Tracker play. Funny thing is the very first game he played he won the jackpot TWICE! So right off the bat he had 2000 tickets. It took forever for us to use the rest of the $30 in tokens. 

After we were finally done he was able to walk away with a TON of crap. and he couldn't be any happier. It was such a fun day!

Tracker Kent 31 & 32 months

Favorite Foods: Fish Crackers, Mac n' Cheese, Spaghetti, Cupcakes, Cheetos.

Favorite Book: Counting book. 

Favorite Toy: Planes, Trains and Cars. Balls.

Injuries: Ryan accidentally hit him in the lip with a shovel. He smacked his eye on a bucket of rocks, stepped on a plastic toy which broke and cut the bottom of his foot pretty good. Stood in broken ceramic after his piggy bank broke and again cut up his feet. 

Height: 38" Weight: 38 lbs

.He likes to call Ryan and I by our first names esp. while we are out in public. I never realized until now how much I love that my name is Mommy. I never ever want another title. I never want another name. and I wish so much I could have heard his sister say that word.
.He still calls Aunt Jill "Grandma" and since Harley's name is Harley Jill Michelle Webster he has started calling her Harley Grandma Michelle Webster. Seriously so funny!
.Becoming more obsessed with Lightning McQueen and Planes.
.Loves legos.
.Loves books.
.Is the best at singing time and acts everything out. Ill catch him singing all the songs randomly throughout the day.
.Can count to 20 but has suddenly forgot 5 & 15. He can count by 10's to 100 but again forgets 50. So strange those 5 numbers are tricky.
.Counts backward from 10 & doesn't forget 5. haha.
.Loves his daily bike ride.
.Is still clumsy as ever and falls ALL THE TIME.
.Will not sit down when he has a "stinky boot" and will come to us, plug his nose and say "oh mommy I have a stinky boot-- pee-youwee" while waving the other hand in front of his face like he is waving the smell away. I die laughing each time.
.Loves his friends so much and asks for each of them first thing in the morning.
.Loved having his cousin Easton here for a long weekend. They turned into the best of friends.
.Is obsessed with his fishing pole. Will sit at the end of the bed or we will fill a bucket with water outside and he will cast, wait and reel it back over and over for hours. Seriously HOURS.
.Basketball is by far his favorite thing in his life. Everything is all about basketballs or "bacaball".
.He watched Easton go potty while he was here and after went up to the potty stood like Easton did but said "oh no, I don't have one".
.Loves going running in the evenings with Ryan & I. He will eat a snack or 2 and just relax for however long we are gone.
.Whenever he does something new he will say "I did it, look at me, I did it myself!"
.He is all about taking turns and making sure everyone is taking their turn in the right order.
.He doesn't like when the other kids can run faster than him. He gets so frustrated. He stops and crys and yells. I am trying everything to help him understand its okay if someone else is first and we take turns and he just has to run faster but his 2 year old mind doesn't get it and he is just mad. Its so sad to see.
.Requests cereals for breakfast every morning and eggs for dinner every night.
.Has been sleeping with this hard toy turtle names Chester Bob (Ryan and him named it) as well as this tiny nemo toy that he found on clearance at target and threw the biggest fit when I tried to put it back. because its a cat toy... but I got it and he absolutely loves that thing.
.Is still saying "I can't do it" but saying it a lot less since Ryan and I have been all over him saying that. Something we both cringe at. Sounds silly but for some reason we both don't ever want him to say it. He can do ANYTHING!
.In complete control over what shoes he wears everyday. Sometimes resulting in cowboy boots and shorts which somehow work for him.
.Is a bit of a control freak like his mama. Knows where every single toy goes and will get so upset if one of the other kids puts something away wrong.
.When we get home from anywhere in the car or even on a walk he screams "WE HOME".
.Knows his sisters whole name.
.Knows Harleys whole name.
.Out of the blue came up to me and said... "Kenzie Rye Websta wif Jesus and Dnette and Papa Kent. She has bawoons and bubble all day. My baby sis. She my baby sis" You could say I balled like a baby the rest of the day.
.His obsession with Paisley has grown. He will hold her hand when I do her hair in the morning and has to smooch her face about a dozen times even before breakfast. He wants to be where she is and if she is sad he is so concerned. He asks about her all the time and is unhappy any morning she isn't here. 
.Happiest when he is home. Will fight me when we are leaving the house saying "No Mama, I wanna stay here. My home!" once we are out of the house he is fine but asks a few times "we go home now?"
.When the sun is shinning through the window in his eyes he will say "oh the sun awake"
.Despite the fact that he won't watch the movie Finding Nemo because its "scawee" he is obsessed with finding Nemo and Dori at the pet store, which we visit at least once a week if not more. Its honestly better than anything in his eyes. He freaks out when he sees the Petco sign and we have to RUN into the store. He runs right to the fish and could stay there all day if I let him. He finds Nemo right away every time and then walks around "but wheres Dori" until he finds a Dori. Then he is happy and just watches them. Tells me all their colors. Finds the fish with "BIG EYE" and screams when its time to go. I have debated about getting a fish every single time we go but I think the fascination might wear off if we have one at home. and it also means I have to take care of it and the only thing I kill faster than a plant is a fish so I feel its in the best interest of everyone involved if we leave it at the pet store. 
.He has a couple chores everyday (yes we have started him early) anyway- one of them is he feeds Harley. Its so funny to watch him do it because he is so serious about it. Plus the food bucket is huge compared to him and he has to pretty much climb in it.
.Can now spell his name, we are working on writing it but I know that will take a bit longer. "T-R-A-C-K-E-R spells Twacker"
.He still can't quite draw a person yet. He has all the parts but doesn't connect them together. Arms are coming out the head and legs are at the bottom of the page not connected to the body and ears are in the corner. Its pretty funny to see him try.
.Asks every single day if we are going to Mickeys house today?
.Loved our visit to Utah even though we didn't go for the best reasons and it was very last minute.
.He watched one movie on the drive there and slept for a total of 30 minutes. He is getting better and better at traveling long distances. 
.He asks to go swimming everyday. We can't wait for summer and to set up our pool.
.Ask for his oils to be put on. Its pretty funny.
.He had a bad stomach virus which left him puking and diarrhea for 4 days straight and not eating or drinking much. It was constant- like he puked twice and I had to change his bum just while waiting for his doctor. He was miserable and so was I. His doc gave him a shot to get him to stop throwing up which worked immediately. It took another few days for everything else to clear up before he was back to normal. One of the essential oils I used while he was sick for his belly he would ask for almost every hour because it was giving him such relief. Of course Ryan and I both had it a bit as well.
.He has been asking for a baby constantly. He started out saying he wanted a baby and when I said but the baby will grow in Mums tummy he would argue and say "No my tummy" after he finally was okay with me having the baby in my tummy he still wouldn't give up that it was his baby and not just a brother or sister. Its been so funny to see him have a sudden interest. He wanted a boy for a while then changed his mind to a sister. He is certain if we have a baby it will be a GIRL. Sure wish I could grant that kid his wish.
.He will wrap his arms around my neck several times a day and vigorously kiss me. His teeth are clenched and he pretty much head butts me. It can be a bit painful but I seriously love it so much.
.He loves helping me around the house. Always by my side and does more and more things I ask him to do.
.He will tell us all the time what is ours or someone else's... "Daddy thats your chair, Mommy thats your couch. Daddy thats not your cup (if its the wrong color)..." With everything he will do this.
.Loves to excersise. He will ask me to ask him to do a jumping jack or push up. "Mom say jumpin jacks... Mom say pushes" then ill tell him what to do and he will do it and laugh and laugh each time.