Monday, January 6, 2014

Welcomed Pain

Sometimes. I really don't know how I can physically keep breathing.

and its been 4 years.
and it can still hurt this much.
Its usually in a moment where I am completely consumed in something else and forget. and then I am reminded. A trigger. Something is said. Or a smell. Or a look. Or a picture. Or just my own God damn mind trailing off and somehow she shows up. and in those moments when I am not expecting it. I just want to shut the world off. I want everything to freeze and I want to go back. I just want to go back to her. For a moment. I want to hold her and kiss her and smell her. I want to remember what her skin feels like in my arms. I want to hear her cry and giggle and I want to watch how she moves. I want to hold her body next to mind. I want to forget about this pain and this missing and live in the moments of her life. and when I realize I cant. That its over. and that its been 4 years. When I sit down and I pray and I beg and I try with all my might to remember those little things. and I cant. I feel like I just cant do this. I cant continue to live this life. Moving forward. Knowing more and more of the little memories I have are going to continue to leave me. I have never cried like I do when I think about this. This is a cry of pain. Not of physical pain. but of a broken and completely mangled heart. 
I watch her videos which only make the pain worse. but they also help me remember. They bring me back to certain days and certain moments. and I need to go back.
When those incredible moments of pain pass. My body aches. I am exhausted. Its like I have run a marathon. a few times. It takes all my strength just to move my eyes. Every limb is heavy.
and in these moments. I am usually headed to bed.
and I lay down. Still with that heavy heavy ache. and I feel warm. 
I know its her.
I know she knows how much I need her right now. and how I am having a hard time without her.
I usually cry again. Maybe a couple times. and I pray... I pray that I can see her. and hold her. and kiss her face... in my dreams. I also pray to remember those dreams when I wake. 
To this day...
I have only had 2 dreams that I remember with her in them.
Both were very soon after she died.
I still ask to dream of her. and remember it. I want to have that image. That we are together.
I feel like for the most part its been a while since I have the fear she isn't okay. I feel like I have entrusted God enough to know she is more than Okay. That she is perfect. So I don't feel I need those dreams to know she is okay. I just want those dreams to feel her. In my arms.

All of this might have come from earlier. Tracker once again has some little cold. We got in the shower tonight before he went to bed so we could just stand there. With the water as hot as we could stand it. and let the room fill up with steam so my poor boy could hopefully clear out that stuffed up nose of his. 
Showers have always been one of his favorites. When he was that colicky cry baby I would spend what felt like days just standing in the shower since nothing else calmed him. and he does the same thing now that he did then. His body is quite a bit bigger. Which makes my heart kind sad seeing how fast he is growing. but its also one of my most favorite things in life. He lays his head on my shoulder and his body is completely limp. We stand there until the water turns cold. Which is a while. I shouldn't waste so much water. I really should get out sooner. but its in those moments when time seems to slow down. I get to hold him. and feel him. and kiss him. and tonight as I was rocking my boy.
She came into my mind. I imagined what it would feel like if I was holding her. I tried to imagine how her body felt. I closed my eyes and tried to go back. I couldn't. I couldn't remember. So I stood there. and I soaked up the boy in my arms. The one who is here now. and I was full of gratitude for him. For his life. For his squashy little body that I got to snuggle. We stood there for a long time. He didn't move. My arms never got tired. After it got cold we got out. and it was soon after that the missing came. The missing of her. The missing of being her Mum. 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if she was here. but I have also accepted that it just couldn't happen that way. If she was here we would not have Tracker. We would not have used a sperm donor which would mean he would not exist. and I just cant imagine a world without that boy. So I accept that what has happened in life has happened for our plan. For Gods plan for us. For our family. So even though I wonder what life would be if she was here. I try not to dwell on that much. I think of it more like--- wow, how would I manage 2 kids in this situation? or We would have to buy 2 of those things if she was here. but what weighs heavy lately isn't the wondering what life would have been like if she was here. Its just the missing what was. Its missing the life we did have with her. Wanting to relive that life. Even though it ended. I wish I could relive every single one of those days again. Even the bad ones. I wish I could be in those moments and soak up every detail.
Its wanting to be in her presence again. Its wanting to hear her coo's and to change her diapers and to tickle her feet and to smother her face with kisses. I would give anything to go back there. 
I miss her.
I know I will always miss her.
and I know this pain... Doesn't come as often as it once did. and in the future might not come as often as it does now. and as much as it hurts. Its kind of welcome. because it makes me stop. and it forces me to sit down and cry. or to ball up in the fetal position buried in her clothes. or to watch her videos over and over for hours all while sobbing uncontrollably. The pain hurts. and its hard to get through.
but at the end.
when I go to bed.
which I'm going to do now.
I get that peace.
and I know its her.

I put this video together for Makenzie's 2nd birthday. I almost cant sit through it because I didn't do the best job on it. I have learned a lot and still have a lot more to learn about putting these things together. The video's I put on there because I loved them at the time for certain reasons. Today--- I am not certain why I loved them so much then because I have others I love more... but whatever. Sometimes I like to share these because I like others to be able to see her. and almost know her. You will notice in the second video-- the one that is wayyyyy to long that I should have trimmed down-- how her breathing was. I look back now and cant believe I wasn't banging down every doctors door trying to get answers for that but I tell you being a first time parent and doctors and even family telling you all the time that its "FINE" and she will grow out of it and "so and so breathed like that"... You tend to doubt yourself. Something I try really hard not to do with Tracker. When I have a fear or a worry I don't listen to what everyone else thinks if I think its wrong... enough of that... Hope enjoy getting to know Makenzie a little better.


Mari said...

Kendra, Your Makenzie is so so sweet!!!! Your Mama love shines through in every photo.
It did and still radiates from you to her; you are a beautiful Mommy. Absolutely full of love, hope, faith.
So grateful for your little girl. And now little guy.
Thank you for the beautiful clip of Makenzie💟

Auntie EM said...

Your Makenzie is so beautiful. I don't have any wise words only to tell you that she was loved beyond anything...that she knows NOW that you love her. The video is precious and I enjoyed seeing each and every picture even though many of them I've already seen. I too hoped that once I hit the 5 year mark, things would be easier. Of course, they are better but then a memory, a place, a picture or something puts me right back in that awful place again. I know our loved ones in heaven want us to be happy. But sometimes, tears and sadness come without any warning. It is very frustrating. Makenzie must be proud of you and've come very far. Braxton saved me from my sorry self and I'm sure you feel the same way about Tracker. He came just at the right time when you needed him the most. You are a wonderful mother and an even more wonderful woman. I love you guys.

Emma said...

Thanks for sharing this amazing video. Although I never met your sweet Kenzie she has had such an impact on my life, as have you. Your love for your sweet girl shines through in all you write and this video shows it so well.
Love and hugs, Em

Alli E. said...

Thanks for sharing! I love her little smile!

Tracie said...

Such a beautiful video. You did a wonderful job. Makenzie is a stunning baby and I'm so thrilled you had so many good days in that time of innocence. I'm sorry you were robbed of a lifetime with her and can only hope that someday in the heavens you will rejoice when you get to hold her again. Blessings to you.

Shannon said...

I think of you and check your blog often. This post has me sobbing as much as the first one I read years ago. I am so sorry you have to continue to experience so much pain. I'm also so thankful for you that you have that sweet, sweet little boy.


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