10 Month Favorites

Playschools Step Start Walk n Ride: I picked one of these up at goodwill thinking Tracker might like it at some point. I had no idea he would love it and use it as much as he does. I think any sort of walker like this is awesome. We bought Tracker an actual walker- the kind he sits in. and he hates it. Really he will only semi tolerate it when he is outside in it. But with the Walk n Ride he can cruise anywhere he wants. He can pull himself up and take off.

Shopping Cart Cover: I am all about the cart covers. I am disgusted when he tries to suck on the bars. Seriously why does he want to do that every time? and since Tracker has now had 2 viruses that are pretty nasty ones from people not washing their hands this is one of the many things I'm trying to be proactive about to ensure he doesn't catch another virus. On top of it making the whole shopping process more sanitary they make it more comfy as well since its padded. They are super easy to take on and off and I usually throw mine in the washer every other week.

Banana Flavored Snack: I had to put this on here because these bad boys are Trackers absolute favorite. However I have only been able to find them at the Asian market in Tacoma. Seriously! My sister in law got him addicted to these Korean treats so we stalked up when we were in town but he has since gone through them. and now he is sad. and so am I since they are actually pretty good. So if you ever see a bag of these- snatch it up. 

Baby Banana: I guess we are loving the banana stuff this month. I got the Baby Banana a few months back for Tracker but he has just recently started using/playing with it. I love it because its a toothbrush and he loves it because it feels good on those sore gums. WIN! The little banana peels are designed so they cant stick it to far back in their mouth and its all rubber so its not something I am super worried about giving him when we are in the car or when he is crawling around the house with it in his mouth like a puppy.

Honest Diapers and Wipes: I started using the Honest products a few months back. Fell in love with the lotions, soaps, cleaning products, etc. I was a bit more hesitant to get the diapers because they seemed expensive. After doing more research and breaking down the cost. The honest diapers are really to much more expensive than ordering a box of huggies or pampers off amazon along with some wipes. But the best part is these products are all eco-friendly, non toxic and chemical free. After getting my first month of diapers/wipes I was hooked. The first diaper rash Tracker got that I tried to wipe and he didn't scream his bloody head off- I realized these wipes are a dream. They don't burn his poor little bum. and if we are going to talk about another important feature- the prints are adorable. Now I'm sure you are wondering who cares if a diaper is cute?! Really- no one. but when Tracker is sporting his T-shirt and diaper only on those super hot days- I don't feel like he is really in just a diaper, Its kind of like I got him dressed :)

If you are interested in getting a sample or ordering the full on package click HERE...

Playskool Poppin Park Elefun Busy Ball Popper: Okay can that name be any longer? Geesh... So this was a Christmas present from Santa for Tracker. Not sure why I was certain he needed anything for Christmas since he hasn't been interested in any of the stuff we bought until many months later but whatev. but I'm glad he got this. He pushes the button to turn it on and gets excited when the balls start popping up. He pulls them out of his trunk and then stuck them back in. I love that its helping with his hand/eye coordination and he is having fun as well.

Needed to write

Before I dive into this post I had to apologize for the lack of goods on this blog. Seriously I feel like I barely am keeping up on the other blog and its all very much documenting. I haven't been able to just write in so long. I seriously don't have time. All you Mums are probably laughing at me. Seriously. I have 1 child. I only work part time. and I don't have time? There are full time Mums, full time workers, with multiple children. How do you all do it? I have said several times I am not sure we will have another kid because I cant get my shit together with 1. We are nearing the 1 year mark. Seriously. How is my booboo a year? *insert broken heart* He is seriously pure happiness. He is amazing. but he isn't easy. I'm sure no child is easy but I can only compare to him.

So I have to say this Mum/Wife/Human being balance is seriously HARD. I am to tired at the end of the day to be a good enough wife to Ryan to give him quality time (not always the dirty). I am consistently feeling guilty for not bringing in more of the money to help our family. I then feel guilty to even think about working out side the home and not being here for Tracker. People seriously its hard.
When Makenzie was born we were in a situation I had to work. There was no option for me to stay home. I was lucky enough to get 12 weeks of maternity leave and then I had to go back. I only worked a month and a half before Makenzie was admitted to Primary Children's and I stopped working again. The month and a half was HORRIBLE. Every single day I dropped her off I cried the entire way to work. I couldn't stop thinking of her. I felt extreme guilt. I was consistently trying to figure out how I could be home with her. I loved my job at the time. I was successful and starting a career. I felt fulfilled in that aspect of my life but all of that at the end of the day didn't matter when I was coming home just a few hours before Makenzie went to bed.
Now here I am. Home. and I still feel that guilt.
I am living my dream. I thank Ryan everyday for letting me stay home and take care of Tracker. Everyday I am amazed I get to do this everyday. I honestly cant justify actually having Tracker in daycare and going to work because at this moment I don't have to. I am lucky enough to have a part time job from home and that really should satisfy my guilt. I guess its not that getting out of the house/sacrifice I imagine always imagined I was going to have. I never thought I would be able to be home with my kids.
I do miss the success. I felt good about myself. It was nice when I would get recognized for completing a task. I don't really get a review, award or praise for finishing the laundry.
(although I seriously think I should)

Can any of you other Mums relate?
I know I'm totally asking for to much! I want one thing and I get it. Then I'm not satisfied.
I just have to get more of a balance and be happy with that balance.
I have been trying harder to exercise more regularly.
I am working harder on strengthening my relationship with God.
and I am always working on being the best wife and Mum to my favorite boys.
and I will work harder on being a better blogger because seriously I love it.

She is 4.

It's the same every year. Days. Weeks. Leading up to this day my mind can't get off July 18. What that day was. What emotions were filling that room. The moment we met. The moment we became a family. It's the best most beautiful memory I will ever have. The day my husband became a father. The day I became a mother. You gave us such a beautiful life my love. Thank you for coming to us. Thank you for choosing us. I can't imagine my life without this day.
Any parent knows that feeling. That moment where everything in the world stops. That moment your mind goes completely blank and focuses on that one thing. Your entire body is overcome with this warmth. The moment in between labor and the gross stuff after. That moment that in my mind seemed to last forever. It seemed to freeze. It's so clear in my mind. The moment you were no longer a day dream and a constant wonder of who you are. The moment you become my entire world. The moment my life drastically changed. Everything is right. Everything is good. And there is no denying how close The Lord is.
That moment you left heaven to brave this world. Where you knew what was to come and you still chose to come.
Makenzie rye thank you. Thank you for that moment. For giving me the very first breath you ever took. Thank you for your life. Thank you for teaching me. I am forever grateful to have you as my daughter. 
My love, tomorrow you will be 4. I have so many questions as to where you are, how are you, what are you doing, are you happy? Who are you with and what things have you learned? Are you 4 in heaven or just 4 here? Questions I wish I could ask. Questions I know I won't know the answer to for a while. 
What I imagine is you are surrounded with our family. Grandmas, grandpas, friends, uncles and my sister. You are ridiculously spoiled. You are loved beyond words. You are happy. You are with us when we need you. You are with your brother a lot. You smile. You dance. You move. And today all you see is balloons. You are with The Lord and he tells you again about how special this day is. He tells you what an amazing thing you did. That you were extra special. That you had a different light and so you were chosen. You are very special to The Lord. 

Happy birthday my sweet girl. I miss you. I wish I was celebrating with you. I wish I was giving you a party you could enjoy here. Not one you will observe from heaven.
You are so loved my girl. By so many people.
Dad and I are aching for you. Catch all our balloons and kisses.

Leggings

We are more than half way through the year and I have yet to post much about leggings!
We are collecting leggings until November. If you are not sure what the leggings project is about go HERE and read all about it. Over the past 3 years we have been able to collect over 3000 pairs of leggings. Amazing. I cant thank every single one of you that has helped spread the word, collect leggings, sew leggings, buy them... You are all amazing. Over 3000 leggings means 3000 kids with a pair to keep their arms and legs warm. I cant wait to see how many we are able to donate this year.
I still have cookbooks (seriously :/ ) and if there are any cookbook sales all money will go toward the leggings project. If you choose to purchase that way you will get a pretty awesome cookbook out of it.
I have been making recipes like crazy out of that book. I cant believe how amazing every single recipe is. You wont be disappointed. You can order a cookbook to the right of the blog.

Makenzie's birthday is in 2 days. Can you believe she would be 4.
I cant imagine having a 4 year old running around.
I wish so much I did.
I miss her. I miss her so much.
I can only imagine the birthday celebration she will be getting in heaven.
If anyone of you happen to visit the cemetery make sure you send me a picture. I have loved getting those from people. esp since I cant visit her right now its been so nice knowing someone is.

9 Month Favorites

Honest Healing Balm: I started slowing introducing some of the Honest products a few months ago by trying their samples. I soon became obsessed. Their stuff is all natural and doesn't have any harsh chemicals or toxins that you would be surprised to find in other baby items. They have everything from diapers to toothpaste. Tracker has had some bad diaper rashes. This stuff is like a dream. I used it once while he had a bad rash and I didn't think it did any better than any of the other creams I was trying but maybe that one day was a fluke because I tried it again and his rash was gone the next day. I have since only used this whenever he gets a rash and its honestly gone within hours. I also used it for weird thing I had on my skin and it cleared it right up.
If you want to try the Honest products go here.

Ikea Vessla Storage Crate with Casters: I love this storage container. It was especially handy in our move. It holds a lot of stuff but isn't to big an bulky. It has wheels which is awesome as well as a lid. Its super easy to stack. I packed a lot of Trackers things into these and it was so easy to take in and out of places. The best part is they are cheap. Score!

See Kai Run Smaller: These shoes are some of my favorites. Babies learning to walk are not suppose to have bulky soles but so many of the soft sole shoes seem to be too soft and slippery. I love that these have little traction pads on the bottom. They are so easy to get on and off. Tracker has fat feet so its hard finding shoes that fit him but these fit awesome. They stay on his feet even when he tries to kick them off which NO other shoe does.

Hylands Teething Tablets: I bought these when we were going through the terrible week of 4 teeth popping through hoping they would help this boy. They must be miracle pills because they totally worked. I would give him 3 when he started to fuss and hold onto his mouth and it was almost immediate that he would stop. They have saved me!

Sophie Giraffe: I could have posted about Sophie for months now. We love her but what kid doesn't? I haven't added her until now because she has become Trackers BFF this last month. He has been more obsessed with her than ever. He chews on her but more than that he waves her around making her squeak like crazy. Its hilarious to watch because he gets so into it. This is definitely a toy to buy when they are young though and it will last a while.

Fisher Price Monkey Dancing Bandstand: This was so generously gifted to us by the Allens (thanks again guys ;) It has to be the most annoying toy. Okay maybe not the most annoying but its over stimulating to me. BUT Tracker is obsessed. He seriously plays with this toy more than any other toy he has x10. I do love how much fun he has playing with it. I love that he can pull himself up and stand and keep playing. I love that he can play with the mat and still have it make noise and light up. As much as we don't LOVE this toy its not about us. It makes our boy so happy.

Ella's Kitchen Squeeze pouches: Although I make the majority of Trackers food, I don't make it all. If we are going on a trip or ill be out and about all day I don't take the food I have made because that stuff has to stay in the refrigerator and I worry to much about how long its left out. I love Ella's meals and so does Tracker. Some of the combinations don't sound all that appetizing (like spinach, apples and rutabagas) but they end up being really good. I don't know if you are like me but I try all of Trackers food. Honestly I don't want to feed him something I wouldn't eat myself.
Ella's is all natural and organic.

Flooded

It still comes. In heavy waves. 
Big waves. 
It's been a while since the last one. 
I thank god they don't come as often as they once did. Those days were... Nearly impossible. 
When they come now I know I just need to hold on. Keep breathing and I know it will be over soon. I pray. I sit. I immerse myself in my son. Because that's all I can do. 
Today I had to pull over. Not really sure what happened. I hadn't been thinking of anything in particular. Just driving. My baby asleep in the back. I need to keep driving until the store opens and cant park or Tracker will wake up. 
But then she came into my mind. Lately they are happy memories. They make me smile. Then I just talk to her. but when it's a wave. When it's grief. It's different. It's like my heart remembered all over again how half of it is missing. and how painful that missing is. 
Then those images flood my vision. 
The road ahead gets foggy and I have no choice but to get off the street. I pulled into a parking lot and the flood gates open. It's like a slide show of her. 
Her birth. 
The moment we met. 
The smile. 
Her breathing. 
Her eyes. 
Waking up to get her. 
Holding her. 
Carrying her up the stairs. 
Cradling her body in mine. 
The fear. 
The sickness. 
The weakness. 
The hospital. 
The tubes. 
The beeping. 
Nurses. 
Doctors. 
The diagnosis. 
Her fate. 
Her eyes. 
Her breathing.
Her lack of movement. 
Hunched over the rail until the bottom half of me was numb. 
Tears. 
Helpless. 
Lifeless. 
Numb. 
Empty. 
Dirt. 
Ground. 
Where she will forever be. 
It runs through my mind over and over. 
Fast. Slow. Fast. 

Then its interrupted at the exact time I start falling. Its interrupted with the sweetest sound. Its interrupted by the gift she gave us. Her little brother. He brings me back to this moment. Right now. How much has changed. I remember she is near. I wish I could see her. Feel her.
How much I miss her. That beautiful. Strong. Full if life little muffin that had a short stay in my arms. That didn't stay long enough. I miss her. She will be 4 years old in a month. I see all these other kids turning 4. She would be that big. She would be talking. She would have such a big personality. She would have likes and dislikes. When I picture Makenzie I imagine a baby. but she wouldn't be a baby. That is crazy to think. 

I miss her. I cant believe how much that missing hurts at times.
but at the same time I am consistently reminded how thankful I am for her. 
For the life she gave me. For the life she left. For what she taught me. 
Everyday I look at Tracker I am reminded once again just what she did for me. For him.
She taught me how to love on the deepest level my heart could bear.
She showed me what living is.
I am very aware I wouldn't be the mother I am to Tracker if it wasn't for her.
I hope he understands that one day.
I hope he really understands the blessing his sister gave him. She is watching out for him. Always has and I always will.