Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Its that time of year. Annual bennifits enrollment. I clicked on the link today. I have lots of changes to make for Ryan and I. Maily because we are switching insurance. I didnt think anything until I saw -
I remember last year, when I did this, I thought maybe I should sign up for that. I signed up and the next day deleted it and thought I would wait a couple years because it wouldnt be necessary. It was only a couple weeks later Makenzie checked into the hosptial on November 17th.
Then I realized as I looked closer- I never took her off our insurance.  I have been paying for her all year. I never even thought of it. Even though I recieved a new insurance card earlier this year.

How is this real?
How is it that she isnt here?
How did it change so fast?
Over night. I think about now until the end of the year and it seems like its soo soon. Life didnt seem to go so fast then. Not until it was over. Thinking about what we are going to do on the 1 year mark. Thinking about what we are going to do for Christmas. Last year, it didnt feel like Christmas. We had our Christmas on December 12th with our baby. When we got home. There was no tree, there was no nights, there was nothing we wanted to celebrate. We exchanged gifts but that didnt even feel like anything more than any other day. 2 years ago at Christmas I knew I was pregnant. Not sure what we were having yet but we couldnt have been more excited to imagine the next year with a baby.  We got "it" a tree ordamint, a stocking, gifts. Even our families gave us baby gifts. They all got tucked away- put in the shed for next year- the exciting year with "IT"!
They never got touched last year.
This year. I dont even want to bring them out. Because this is supose to be such a happy time. A warm time. But for me- its a time without her. Now when you think about the REAL meaning of Christmas its hard to deny the want to celebrate. To remember Jesus Christ. But its also a day about family, love, peace and joy. All of which I dont really FEEL right now. I know im being selfish, dumb, dramatic but whatever. Im sad. I miss Makenzie. I know ill be with her again. Ill get to have many Christmas's in heaven with her- but its not now and im not a patient person. I want her with me.
I want to go through a pumpkin patch for Halloween, I want to visit a Turkey farm for Thanksgiving, I want to decorate our tree for Christmas and I want to do all those things with Makenzie.
Knowing she would be the center of it all. The fun is with her. The excitment would be from her excitment. But its just Ryan+Kendra+Harley+Milo and thats really boring. I want to bundle her up, I want to stay home when she gets a cold, I want to whip her first runny nose of the chilly season.
So again yes- im being a child. I want to pound my fist- stomp my feet and scream. Then ill hold my breath until I get my way. Until I get my daughter. Im having a hard time controling the urge to kick, cry, scream, hit- anything to get everyones attention that Im upset. Maybe I should do that- see how that goes over.
Which would probably leave me writing my next post from a psyc ward.

So for those reading. Just imagine me doing the above. Im throwing a fit. Because- I just want to go back. I want her here. I dont want to think about CHILD LIFE INSURANCE, I dont want to think of taking her off our insurance, I dont want to think of head stones, SNOW on her headstone which is making me totally freak today, I dont want to think her body is cold, I dont want to think about her empty room, I dont want to think about all her unused things, I dont want to think about her in heaven. I just want her in my arms, Squirming to get away and just sqeezing her tight.

 hmm... Im going to go cry into a pillow now.


Anonymous said...

It's ok to cry. Sometimes that is the only way to release the pain and sorrow. Your memories of last year will be forever etched in your heart and mind. Kenzie is remembering too but keep in mind she is remembering your kisses, your hugs, the giggles, the tickles, the laughter, the joy, the LOVE. I picture her thinking of the wonderful love her parents have for her and how much she is missed and loved by many many people. That is all she knew. Isn't it a wonderful thing that she has those perfect (oh so perfect) memories in her heart and mind, too. Thinking of you today and praying for you always. Love ya Mary

Kristen said...

I still carry my health insurance card around with Georgie's name on it 18 months later. I still want to kick and scream and throw a fit...and go back to hold her, to smell her to feel her to forget the words SMA, to forget what true loss really feels like.

Your next post won't be in a psych ward. As crazy and pathetic as it sounds we're normal. It's frustrating and it SUCKS! But, you're doing your best and that's... enough.


brigette said...

Im so sorry kendra!! I got that same slap in the face last year. Your so strong and brave!! Kenzie knows this and your love for her!! Sending you so much love!

Tara Bennett said...

Sorry girl. This made me cry. Sorry it's a hard day and a hard life. I wish I had something more insightful or inspiring to say, but today that's all I got -- I'm sorry. ((HUGS))

Alerie said...

I'm so sorry!! Sending you lots of BIG hugs!! Much love!!

Ali said...

I'm sorry! I never know what to say because I know nothing I say could ever take your pain away. I just want you to know I am thinking about you.

Emma said...

You are absolutely NOT "being selfish, dumb, dramatic" lost your baby, your sweet precious girl and regardless of knowing you will be with her again, it doesn't take away the desire to want to be with her NOW. Anyone can understand that is NORMAL, of course you want that, miss her, want to have a fit...who wouldn't?! I wish there was a way to make it easier though, to make the desire to celebrate there for you...I guess all I can say is that she is celebrating-she is celebrating the incredible parents she has, the love she is given by them and all her family and friends every single day. She is cherished, loved, and feels all that each and every day and so many little ones dont' feel that-that is something to celebrate. She is celebrating with Jesus this year-what a party that must be!! I know it doesn't make it easier for you, to be here without her in your arms but she will be celebrating-she celebrates every smile, every laugh you make-that is her music. Let the tears come, let the pain come and let yourself feel because along that road you will feel her, there with you, each step of the way. Love and hugs, Em

kati said...

I just read your story, I couldn't help but cry, and up until the end of your story I was in the same boat with my daughter. However, she was diagnoised with epilepsy, one that stops her from breathing. I wish more than anything that you could have your baby back. I didn't even know about this disease. All my love to you and you family, I wish I could make it better for you


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