pretending

this morning after i got out of the shower i laid back down in bed,
i squeezed that polka dot blanket,
i wrapped it around my neck,
i closed my eyes,
and remembered.
i imagined her.
i traced her face,
her back,
her tummy,
her arms and legs,
her neck,
her knees,
her elbows,
her whole body,
i held her toes,
i held her hands,
i tickled her face,
i traced every inch of her.
over and over.
up and down.
her eyes were heavy and she was getting sleepy.
the world stopped.
minutes or what felt like hours went by.
before i knew it my hand graced the bed and the worldly sense of touch hit me
and i opened my eyes.
it felt so real.
i felt her.
i wanted so badly to open my eyes and pick her up.
hold her.
see my ridiculously beautiful daughter
laying next to me
ready for me to love on her all day.
oh how i ache for her.
the pain is so heavy.
i am hurting for that missing body laying next to me.
all i want to do now is run upstairs, close my eyes and pretend.
pretend I'm tracing her face.
her body,
her back,
her tummy,
her arms and legs,
her neck,
her knees,
her elbows,
her whole body,
pretend I'm holding her toes,
pretend I'm holding her hands,
pretend I'm tickling her face,
pretend I'm tracing every inch of her.

i wish i wasn't tracing air.

thanks enfamil

yes it was me that signed up for every freaking baby mailing list.
yes it was me that enrolled in tracking your baby's progress.
yes it was me that subscribed to endless amounts of baby magazines.
yes i did all that around this time last year.
but since December i have made it a point to cancel subscriptions, cancel enrollments and block certain emails from coming through. if i get anything in the mail i don't look twice and throw it away. i have it down, what days those dumb things come and i immediately stop at the first trash can i find on my way home and throw that crap away.
well--- i was going through my emails last night.
clicking through the dumb advertisements when this amazing email popped up.



first- its not my baby's first freaking birthday for another 2.5 months!
second- thanks for congratulating me on raising my little one and giving her good nutrition.
third- she didn't drink enfamil.
sooo... thanks for the reminder. thanks for the warm fuzzy feeling i now cant shake. thanks for the cute little picture of the baby and thanks for the coupon.
it will be put to great use.

Chloe's Bow-tique

okay- stop what your doing right now.

pull out your credit card.

and buy some bows!

My amazing friend Tara has started this project called

Its first project: Chloe's Sunshine Playground.

She started a blog where you can purchase cute bows. The blog is chloesbowtique.blogspot.com. ALL the proceeds from the sale of the bows will go directly to helping build a fully-accessible and totally-fabulous playground in Syracuse, UT.... a place for Chloe to play side-by-side with other children, instead of watching from the sidelines!

Meet the beautiful girl behind it all.

Miss Chloe.

Isn't she amazing!

Ryan has known Chloe's Dad for years, they used to get into serious trouble together.

We love this family. They inspire us.

They helped us so much while Makenzie was in the hospital.

We love them.

We adore Chloe.

So I'm here to spread the word.

BuY sOme bOwS!

Introducing...

Our Event LOGO!!!

Isn't it amazing!

My amazing Dr. Pepper Angel made it for us!

...I am in love...

Update...

So the Kenzie baby leggings project and Makenzie's Live, Laugh Breathe Event are coming along. They are both keeping me extremely busy- and - I wouldn't want it any other way.

Just a reminder that if you want to order from Alisha, you need to have your order into her before June. (ONE MONTH LEFT)
Just to keep everyone updated- as of today 4/27 I have collected
(in my possession, not including orders to Alisha)
100 Baby Leggings!!!! WHOO HOOOOOOOO.....
Oh I cant tell you how excited I am.
With that being said.
GueSS WhaT--- NEW GOAL!
My new goal is to collect 500 pairs of baby leggings!
WOW.. I know, right? ALOT. But just think of all those precious legs in that hospital with these adorable things on! I'm so grateful for all of you and your donations. I cant tell you how much this means to me. I am so honored to take these to the children's hospital on December 13th and say with all the help of my blog family we have collected 500+ pairs of leggings for you!!!
So please, Please PLEASE keep collecting them!!!


Now with Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe Event...
Oh its going to be an event indeed!
Some of our newest sponsors-
ALLY BRYNN
J5 PHOTOGRAPHY
SUGAR DAISY BAKERY
SCALES AND TAILS
These are just to name a few!
However... :)
We still need more.
I am in need of
...silent auction items...
...sponsors...
...volunteers...
...food donations...
please contact me if you would like to help.
We are so lucky to have a couple bands offer to play!
Photography sessions!
and more!
Make sure to mark your calendars so you can plan on attending!
July 17th at 3:00 - 8:00 PM.
Only 2.5 months left. I have flyer's, letters and more information to send to you if you would like to help out a bit more. Please email me and we can get in touch via phone if necessary.
kendogg1987@hotmail.com

the new one

Remember how I had that one weekend.
The weekend where I lost my mind.
Well in that weekend I went to the store.
Just to get a gift for my Grandma.
While driving through the parking lot-
I saw these puppy's.
Ry and I talked about getting a new puppy because we kept hearing it would be good for us to have something to take care of, something to hold. We thought Harley could use a friend. Well Ryan wasn't with me and we didn't really ever decide if we would get a dog.
But that didn't stop me from holding him.
At first I walked away- went inside.
Next thing I knew, I had a cart full of puppy food, new toys, puppy shampoo and I was getting money out of the ATM to buy the puppy.
Yes, I lost my mind. I'm not joking. It wasn't a good weekend.
I cried a lot that weekend.
I was so sad I got this puppy because I felt I ruined its life, harley's life and our life.
I didn't want the puppy I wanted Makenzie.
I wanted something to hold but this wasn't it.
While I was cleaning up his poop outside- I broke.
I didn't want to clean up his poop I wanted to clean up Makenzies.
I didn't want to play with him, I wanted to play with Makenzie.
We thought this was a good thing. Something to take care of, occupy our time...
but...
It had the opposite effect, We cried all the time because he was a big fat reminder why I got him.
Because she isn't here.
Every time we would see him we would get upset.
It didn't help that he cried all the time. He would cry all night long so for the first few days we got NO sleep.

well its been 9 days since we got him and egh...
he has grown on us.
He is someone we can take care of, he is super cuddly, we snuggle, he doesn't cry as much, Harley and him are starting to become friends... Its starting to work out.
We felt that since we got him, it was our responsibility to keep him and take care of him. It wouldn't be right to send him away. I'm glad we didn't. He is becoming one of us.
He listens good, he plays good, he sleeps good, he eats good. and. we love him.

Introducing...
Milo Derek Benjamin Webster
8 weeks old
Black Lab
Super soft
Super clumsy
Super cute








he is learning all about Makenize.
he is learning to not even think about going near her room.
he is giving us loves when we need it most.
i know makenzie would have gone nuts over him.
she loves her doggies.

Grandma's 86th Birthday

HappY haPPy HAPPY Birthday Grandma!

Isn't she beautiful.

I love her so very very much.

She is so amazing

Family came in from across the country.

We had a great time.

Lots of Love and Laughs.

Dear Grandma,

I wish I could express how much love I have for you.
I look up to you in every way possible. You are unbelievably strong.
You are inspiring. I can only imagine Grandpa and Kenzie.
The stories you tell me about him, I wish I could have meet him but I know Kenzie is loving every second with him. I know he is taking care of her.
Thank you for being so strong Grandma. You have carried this family through so much.
You have given us so much. I'm so honored to have you in my life.
I strive to be like you.
I love you forever and ever.
Love
Kendra

Donor Reception

Friday April 16th was the Donor Reception.
It was an event where the Utah Donor Association comes together and honors those that became donors.
It was really amazing.
It was amazing to see the people who joined together who all have donor angels in heaven.
It was heartbreaking to see all those children's pictures scroll across the slide show.
The music was uplifting.
The speakers were inspiring.
The tears flowed.
Our hearts hurt.
We were lucky enough to be surrounded by our dear family and friends.
We are so blessed.
Makenzie is so incredibly loved.

There is her square, sewn next to all those other amazing people.
They all have a bond. They are linked.
I'm honored to have Makenzie's square on there.
I'm honored to know she is helping someone else.
That's what she is all about.

Thanks to Becky, Randy, Mom, Aunt Janet, Aunt Robin, Jonathan, Aunt Mary, Brooke, Shaun, Lisa, Alana, Allie, Derek, Jill, Amy and Jennifer for coming. You are amazing. Thank you for all your love and support.

head stone

its taken me a little while to post this...

mainly because its now so real.

its there,

in stone,

the day she was born and the day she returned to heaven.

i love where she rests.

its a peaceful place.

i have spent many hours there.

i have a box of supplies for my visits.

we read.

we play music.

we have a bubble machine.

we have toys.

we have blankets.

we have treats.

we have balloons.

we tell stories.

we cry.

we laugh.

I was pretty much obsessed with sonic cherry limeades throughout my whole pregnancy. ryan would drive around for what seemed like hours looking for a sonic. i was desperate!

i always thought, this girl is going to loveeee them because she had them so much.

i thought around the time she started eating baby food i would give her a taste of my cherry passion.

she never got a taste.

but i still bring her one.

missing this girl beyond words.

no title

i have tried to start a post several times now and nothing. i don't know what to say. sometimes i feel i shouldn't be so honest- other times i just don't care. i write on this blog for myself, for family and friends to read, to make new friends but mainly so that if/when someone else is going through this same thing- they may stumble upon this blog and feel they can relate to someone. if they have similar feelings as me they wont feel alone and maybe they can read ahead at the journey i have traveled and it might help them. i know i have learned from other blogs- other peoples lives. i have even learned from lives that seem on the outside "perfect" those blogs that you just sit there and think- hmmm, if only. i know their life isn't perfect they just are not as public as some and don't want their dirty laundry all over the internet. TOTALLY understandable. sometimes i think i shouldn't put my dirty laundry out here. however- i feel i have been given this challenge, this hell for a reason. i don't know the reason. i don't understand it. even if i did understand i probably wouldn't agree because it means not having her.
...but...i am trying though. I'm trying to move through life and become stronger. ideally i hope that at some point someone who is going through this same trial in life could come to my blog see where i was and see what i became. i hope its something great. i hope its something they look up to. right now- i don't see that point. i wish i could write I'm doing well, I'm moving forward, we are feeling more peace, we are not so sad all the time, we are living. unfortunately but understandably I'm so not there. this last weekend was- to put it lightly- hard.
i lost my mind.
literally.
i don't feel i was of a clear, right state of mind at all during that weekend.
i will update in another post what i did and the updates of our life but for this post i just have to write.
i have been having these weird moments where i know makenzie is not here but i cant stop myself from doing actions like she was. i will pick out clothes for her to wear, i will buy her things at the store, i will plan something around her schedule. i know what I'm doing but then i don't. its very confusing. after sometime- usually a couple hours but occasionally it takes a few days before my mind becomes clear and i look back and survey they damage i have done.
its not damage like i hurt someone or myself, its damage like spending $200 on things she will never use. its damage like buying a new puppy out of no where just because i couldn't walk away from it, its damage like wasting hours or even days in this fantasy world.
it scares me sometimes. i cant stop myself. i cant talk myself out of it. those moments hurt.
what am i don't to try and help myself?
...counseling...talking with certain friends or family...ryan...learning to talk to myself...
there are times i am wanting so badly that i become numb, tingly, weak. those times are also scary. when I'm driving esp. i will become limp and it takes all my energy just to keep my car on the road. i try to distract myself most of the day. I'm learning tricks to do it but there are times that no matter what i do i cant distract myself and I'm consumed with images of her. the image i imagine most but wish i didn't, is the moment she was taking her last breath. i stare at her face, her lips, her body. that moment was horrible mainly because she was leaving me. i wanted to yell and scream and tell her to come back but all i could say was that i was here and that i love her. i wanted her to feel peace and love, i didn't want her to feel guilt that she was going.
i miss her terribly. i know that will never go away- but this sharp, numbing, uncontrollable pain i hope will ease. i hate, and cant, and refuse to think about the lifetime i have without her. its only been 4 months- how do i make it hundreds more?
to be honest-
sometimes i feel i might not live a full lifetime. sometimes i feel God will let me come home and see her sooner than 60 years from now. i have to say i hope so. i hope Ryan comes with me. i want us to be a family again. i want us to hold each other and know we are never going to have to let go again. maybe its my wishing that makes me think i wont have to live to be an old lady or maybe its something else telling me to live the life i have now because its not going to live 60 more years. I'm not sure. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to make a difference and while doing it- ill keep makenzie with me every step of the way. i will take her on adventures, i will show people her life. i will inspire people through her story. i mean seriously- there are not many adults who can say they did all that she did in their whole life. she is special. there are other special angels out there that to, did so much in such a short time. the world deserves to know them.
they need to know her.

9 months

dear makenzie.
sorry this is a day late. the past few days have been foggy.
i haven't been any type of normal. yesterday was hard.
a very very low day.
i cant express how much i miss you.
i cant stop thinking about you.
the same images over and over.
i want you to know how much i love you...
with everything i am- i miss you.
there is no word to describe this feeling.
its so overwhelming.
consuming.
taking over everything.
more than that is the love i have for you.
everyday.
every minute.
i want you more and more.
i miss holding those hands, those toes, that body.
i pray over and over that your happy.
i pray your in a place full of balloons, warm pools, leggings and tall trees.

i see you in everything.

y0u are my everything.
i have written this before, i have told you this before but the minute i saw you-
you took over me.
you have completely owned me.
you forever will.
i imagine what you would be doing as a 9 month little girl.
i imagine the hair you would have, i imagine the fat rolls you might have grown.
i think about you crawling, sitting, laughing.
these imagines are in my mind every second.
i dream of you.
i dream of your freedom now.
i can only imagine you- smiling and breathing.
free from tubes, free from machines, free from support.
this is the only thing giving me relief.
to know your free.
i cant say it enough-
thank you for giving me your life makenzie rye.
thank you for being my daughter.
thank you for being everything you are.
you have taught me more than i could ever have been taught in a lifetime.
i held you the moment you were born and i held you the moment you left this earth.
your lifetime is my life.
thank you for being every dream i have ever dreamed.
i love you to infinity.
to the moon and back i love you.
smile big.
laugh a lot.
dance everywhere.
you are free now.
missing you more and more.
loving you more and more.
dreaming of you more and more.
happy 9 month birthday!
love- your mom.

Makenzie's 1st annual Live, Laugh, Breathe Birthday Event!

july 18 2009 was perfect.
she came to us.
she opened her eyes, she took her first breath.
my world stopped.
everything changed.
she was my reason.
before she was even born i was planning trips, play dates, outings, summer parties, winter parties, birthday parties. i was going to have the perfect outfit for her. i was going to make sure she had a blast and it was something she would remember for a lifetime.
she lived 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days.
during her life it was a party everyday for me.
i celebrated every second of her life.
we had 1 month birthday parties, we had park days, we had spa days.
it just wasn't enough for an entire lifetime.
i need more.

while our muffin is dancing in heaven
on July 17th 2010 we will be here celebrating her life.
all 4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days of it.
we are giving her a 1st birthday party.
complete with the fairy theme i imagined.

and

You are ALL invited.
your friends, your family, your neighbors- all invited.
Makenzie's birthday will be an extravagant, out of this world, super cool, fun- fundraiser.
all money raised will be donated to the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation
to help fund SMA research.
Makenzie had SMARD, however, there is currently no research being done solely on SMARD but through SMA we are hoping to find a cure for both these diseases.
no child should have to go through this.
no child should have to struggle to live.
no parent should have to bury their child.
this is what its about. to find a cure.

Now I'm reaching out to all of you asking for your help.
We are in need of volunteers.
I have some amazing entertainers offer to volunteer their services for our event.
I have some amazing people helping donate some food.
But we will need more.
For the amount of people we are planning (approx. 500 - 1000)
and to help raise the money I am hoping ($10,000)
I need all the help I can get.
Some of the events include but are not limited to:
*cotton candy machine
*An amazing bounce house
*Silent Auction
*A Clown
*The Magic of Timothy- the Magician
*Food
*A PRINCESS
*Kenzie Fairy Boutique and seriously--- SO much more!

Right now I am needing help with the following:
* Items for the silent auction.
* Sponsors- If you know someone or you are interested please let me know.
I have different sponsor levels and your business will have the proper signage and publicity for the level they are at.
* If you know any other entertainers that would be interested in donating their services.

You can contact me through email and I can give you my phone number from there.
kendogg1987@hotmail.com

I hope you can all commit to coming to this event!
You will not only be promised a fabulous time but you will be helping an amazing cause and celebrating an incredible little girl.

Some information about SMA
-SMA kills more infants and young children than any other inherited disease!
-SMA is degenerative and terminal — often termed the “Lou Gehrig’s disease of babies”.
-Although born seemingly healthy, babies with SMA eventually lose the ability to walk, crawl, sit, eat, breath, and even swallow.
-1 in 40 people unknowingly carry the SMA gene. Few have a family history of the disease.
-There is currently no treatment and no cure, but the National Institutes of Health (NIH) selected SMA as the disease closest to treatment of more than 600 neurological disorders.
-Researchers estimate that a viable treatment and/or cure is attainable in as little as 5 years – IF provided adequate resources.
-SMA is considered a "model" disease already benefiting research into ALS, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, the muscular dystrophies and even some forms of cancer.
For more information about SMA visit the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation.

Kenzie Day #4

month 4 = artsy fartsy

*colors*

*markers*

*stickers*

*crayons*

*cards for kenzie*

*cards for mom*

*paper*

*glue*

*punch outs*

*painting with pudding*

*inside picnic*

*rainbow cupcakes*

*letting balloons go on the walk way*

...love...

you are the reason makenzie.

thinking about you every second.

missing you.