a different happy halloween

last year we had tons of pumpkins...

including the cutest one in the middle.

last year kenzie went to 2 halloween parties.

1 at grandma dianes and 1 at our place.

she was a punk rocker. unfortunately i never took a picture of her in her costume.

don't ask why not. im very upset about it.

we wanted to go trick or treating with our friends and planned to go with the andersons but changed our minds last minute because our little girlie was just not feeling to great. we didn't know if it was just a cold or what was going on but the cold weather wouldnt have been good for her. so we stayed in. we ate candy. watched tv and had only 3 or 4 trick or treaters.

we stayed warm. we were together. it was perfect.

this year. it hasn't been the same. we wanted to dress her up. we wanted to take her out. we wanted to get her pumpkins. we wanted to take her to see the witches. we had lots of things we wanted to do.

we ended up doing none. mainly because we couldn't think about doing them without her.

grandma becky bought kenzie a pumpkin so that's the only one we had until it started rotting away.

we got another little one to take to her.

we didn't carve anything. we didn't go to see the witches. we didn't buy her a costume.

but we did want to go out. we went trick or treating. we went with our nieces and nephews and friends.

we had devlin so he definitely kept us busy. and distracted.

until we went home. without her. without our pumpkin. without our dressed up little girl.

the night was hard but we ate our troubles away in candy we stole from devlins bag.

this year our halloween was spent here.

its a different place than last year. we never dreamed this would happen.

we brought halloween balloons, halloween toys, halloween books, halloween buckets.

we hung out with our pumpkin for a while on halloween.

ryan thinks we would have dressed her as a cow...

 i think we would have dressed her as sleeping beauty.

we shared her pumpkins with her great grandma, grandpa and uncle.

we read. we cried. we laughed.

we blew tons of kisses and we wished her a very

Happy Halloween!

our annual partay

Every year since we have been in our place we have hosted a Halloween Party. Every year it never fails we end the night with tons of juicy pictures, belly aches from laughing so much and awesome memories.

This year was no different. We had tons of friend and family come for a great evening.

We ate great-drank tons-played till the wee hours.

*this is my CHLOE, isn't she beautiful. she is one of my most favorite people in the world. she reminds me so much of kenzie with her amazing spirit and zest for life. she is such an inspiration.*

Ryan was a white trash wrestler and I was his lady. yup. a WT honey.

We dress the same as AL&D.

Those boys were hilarious.

Everyone else looked amazing!

we danced, ryan broke his wedding ring, we ate, there was wresting going on, we laughed for hours and finally passed out around... umm... morning.



Last Camping trip of 2010

We love camping. Its no secret. We love being outside, getting dirty and running around for hours on end. Over UEA weekend we took the opportunity to go camping with our family 1 last time this season.

We headed west to the Knolls.

Loaded up the 4wheeler.the dogs. treats. tent. lots of blankets

we got there right in time to take the wheeler out to watch the sun go down.

After the amazing night time ride we headed back to camp for dinner and a movie.

The next day was spent riding, riding and more riding.

.cant wait until next year.

enrollment

Its that time of year. Annual bennifits enrollment. I clicked on the link today. I have lots of changes to make for Ryan and I. Maily because we are switching insurance. I didnt think anything until I saw -
CHILD LIFE INSURANCE
I remember last year, when I did this, I thought maybe I should sign up for that. I signed up and the next day deleted it and thought I would wait a couple years because it wouldnt be necessary. It was only a couple weeks later Makenzie checked into the hosptial on November 17th.
Then I realized as I looked closer- I never took her off our insurance.  I have been paying for her all year. I never even thought of it. Even though I recieved a new insurance card earlier this year.

How is this real?
How is it that she isnt here?
How did it change so fast?
Over night. I think about now until the end of the year and it seems like its soo soon. Life didnt seem to go so fast then. Not until it was over. Thinking about what we are going to do on the 1 year mark. Thinking about what we are going to do for Christmas. Last year, it didnt feel like Christmas. We had our Christmas on December 12th with our baby. When we got home. There was no tree, there was no nights, there was nothing we wanted to celebrate. We exchanged gifts but that didnt even feel like anything more than any other day. 2 years ago at Christmas I knew I was pregnant. Not sure what we were having yet but we couldnt have been more excited to imagine the next year with a baby.  We got "it" a tree ordamint, a stocking, gifts. Even our families gave us baby gifts. They all got tucked away- put in the shed for next year- the exciting year with "IT"!

They never got touched last year.

This year. I dont even want to bring them out. Because this is supose to be such a happy time. A warm time. But for me- its a time without her. Now when you think about the REAL meaning of Christmas its hard to deny the want to celebrate. To remember Jesus Christ. But its also a day about family, love, peace and joy. All of which I dont really FEEL right now. I know im being selfish, dumb, dramatic but whatever. Im sad. I miss Makenzie. I know ill be with her again. Ill get to have many Christmas's in heaven with her- but its not now and im not a patient person. I want her with me.
I want to go through a pumpkin patch for Halloween, I want to visit a Turkey farm for Thanksgiving, I want to decorate our tree for Christmas and I want to do all those things with Makenzie.
Knowing she would be the center of it all. The fun is with her. The excitment would be from her excitment. But its just Ryan+Kendra+Harley+Milo and thats really boring. I want to bundle her up, I want to stay home when she gets a cold, I want to whip her first runny nose of the chilly season.
So again yes- im being a child. I want to pound my fist- stomp my feet and scream. Then ill hold my breath until I get my way. Until I get my daughter. Im having a hard time controling the urge to kick, cry, scream, hit- anything to get everyones attention that Im upset. Maybe I should do that- see how that goes over.
Which would probably leave me writing my next post from a psyc ward.

So for those reading. Just imagine me doing the above. Im throwing a fit. Because- I just want to go back. I want her here. I dont want to think about CHILD LIFE INSURANCE, I dont want to think of taking her off our insurance, I dont want to think of head stones, SNOW on her headstone which is making me totally freak today, I dont want to think her body is cold, I dont want to think about her empty room, I dont want to think about all her unused things, I dont want to think about her in heaven. I just want her in my arms, Squirming to get away and just sqeezing her tight.

 hmm... Im going to go cry into a pillow now.

Update to a previous post.

Remember when I did THIS post...
Here are a few days in one.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your Blog name
~living our love song~
have you ever heard that song? i like it. when i started this blog 3+ years back... it was perfect for us. we were young, wild and totally living our own love song. there have been times throughout this "love song" where i thought it wasn't so much a love song but a horror film. the days haven't always been easy- they haven't always been song worthy days but we got through them and we are still here, totally in love, together. so even though its a funky life we are living our own version of a love song!
(was that cheesy enough for you, ill let you take a break to gag)


Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends
This one is hard. I have very few pictures of my friends. WTH. I need to be better with the camera. So if your around me in the next little while- be prepared! Its pictures time. BUT I do have some pictures. These guys I don't know if I consider them friends rather than family. They have been around for a while. They know us - we know them - maybe a little to well. Our families have all met and we think we will make it official and be together for forever! Ha.

Really truly. Ryan and I don't get out much- we are homebodies and people think we are "stuck up" but really we are just shy. PROMISE. But we ended up with a social butterfly for a daughter. This girl made friends everywhere. The store, the park, the doctors office, the changing tables! No one cared about Ryan and I- only her. Its okay though, she carried all the good looks and kind heart in our family.

Even with all her fans and friends she does have a best friend. She loved this guy A LOT. She would get excited when I would say his name. She would demand to look GOOD whenever she knew we would see him, really we had to get out the good jewelry and everything. She would try to play hard to get but then melt like butter when she saw his golden locks and devilish smile. I'm pretty sure they were already planning their getaway- 18 years old and they will be outa here cuz us "parentals" don't know anything and they are the smartest ADULTS on earth. Maybe somewhere down the road they would get hitched without any of us knowing. They would perform on the streets because they would be pretty talented with the steal drum's and interpretive dance! They would be living their dreams and oh so happy. All the while us mama's and papa's would be back home scared to death everyday.

They were pretty dang cute.  

We really have lots of friends. I wish I had more pictures. Mainly to show you all some lovin.

Just know- If your in my contacts list - your my buddy! 

If I had to name my very best friend/s the answer would be obvious. We go way back. They were there through good and bad- thick and thin. Teen years/ Adult years. They make me smile, laugh, cry. 

The hours we spend together is just priceless. They are my comfort, my constant- my home. 

I just love them- more than they will ever know!

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have
PROCRASTINATING. omg. I hate it. I will put EVERYTHING off until last minute. I hate doing things ahead of schedule. don't ask! I work really well under pressure. The more pressure, the more I get done. Its strange. Homework/Studying/Cleaning/Loving the hubby =  is saved until the very last minute.
GRRR me... I hate it because its caused many issues-- ESP in school. Luckily the hubby is patient and will work with my procrastination on his part.


Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
We love to travel. Wish we could go more places / more often. A few years ago we went to KOREA. I know I know- Everyone's Dream VACA right! Its true. We went. Loved it. AND for a minute- considered staying and never coming back.

There will be more to come on this updated to a previous post! Stay tuned!

snow

I woke up thinking today would be better. Bad night- but ill have those. I cried long and hard. Ryan held me close and made me breathe. It lasted longer than I thought. It finally ended and I fell asleep with those...hufff...hufff's...eyes crusted, face red and totally limp.  Woke up- moved through the motions. Didn't really think about anything. Walked outside and saw the white. I stood there staring at the mountains next to my house. I only wore a light sweater so I could feel the chill deep. I couldn't look away. The white was hypnotizing.  I went back to a place. This time- this same week- in 2009. I was looking outside our front window. Ryan was out picking up dog poop (nice!) Harley was going crazy because the snow was falling. She was jumping around trying to catch it right out of the sky. I stood by the window holding mine. I debated to get her all dressed up and take her out. Let her feel that chill, let her feel the sprinkles on her face. She just watched. I decided not to- She was sick by this time. We didn't know what was wrong but I worried she could catch a cold and we didn't need that on top of everything else. So we stood there.

As I gathered myself. Got in my car. Turned up the heat since I was now a pop cycle I couldn't help but feel those tears coming again. BUT this time- I made them stop. Because well, I already did my make up and didn't want to come to work with red face.  I drove the 30 minute drive and as I stopped at the light just blocks from work I put my arm up on the window- my hand brushed against the glass and I went back again. Only this time- It was a month from now. In the hospital. I hated leaving that place. I hated being far from Makenzie. After everyone would go home, after it was just her and I and the night time nurse. After I gave her kisses and we picked our dream for that night, after I went back several times to her bed and just watched her, after her eyes got heavy and I was certain she would fall asleep once I stopped standing right in front of her (seriously she would hardly ever go to sleep if someone was right there, it was like she had to stay awake for us, she would fight it and fight it)
I would sit down on my fold out chair/bed. Look out the frosty window that was ice cold. I had a small view of the roof and the city. There was usually always snow by this time. Those nights it would be snowing I would wonder if I would ever be able to take her out in it. If she would ever be able to feel a snow flake on her face. I would think about the day, think about tomorrow and worry what she would and and wouldn't be able to see in her life.  Those sounds- the beeping, the paging, the chairs, the doors, the curtains, the squeaky shoes. They are so clear in my head. At the time- it was sounds of life. Because that's what kept her with me. Now they shake me. They ring in my head and I just want to scream. They are the sound of the end. They are the sounds of the last breath she took. They are the sounds of the end of that life. I can hear them all the time.

Someone had to honk at me, I didn't realize the light turned green. The wet roads, the chill air, the feeling of this time before. Its coming back. Its always been hard to imagine this time last year. But now, we are getting into the harder parts. We are seeing the end creep up. We are knowing the outcomes and seeing how innocent we once were. I am understanding more. I am frustrated at the life she had to endure to end up where she is now. The road she was on was not easy. It was not the easy way out. Not at all. I saw her everyday. Every minute. I knew the strength she had. She wasn't scared. That was us. There were few moments she was scared. She had more passion for life than anyone I have ever known.

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes before going in. Collected myself and said a prayer aloud.
Its has come. The days are coming. Those hard days. I have to know Ill be living them again.
But in a different way and so will she. She is okay now.

to be with you.

tears.

kinda came out of no where.

sooo missing.

missing every little thing.

just wanting to sit and watch her. wanting to wake up and see a 15 month old little girl.

wanting to see her walk, run, talk, play- blink - swallow - breathe- move.

when it gets like this i cant breathe myself. i just miss. so.very.much.

i shake. needing more than ever.

wanting to just be. wishing i didn't need to learn. wishing i could just be who i was this time last year.

with her.

bedtime, bathtime, playtime, snuggletime, kissytime, parktime, naptime, dinnertime.

that time.

that heavy feeling on my chest is back. it hurts. its taking everything. just wanting her.

my eyes cant see, i can barely move. just thinking about running.

not sure where to run, just wanting to find- find her.

please God. just for a moment. i wont take long, ill let go- i just need to feel. ill give her back, i just need to be there. i need her- i need to give my everything to her again. for just a moment.

i just want to go back. for one minute. go back to her. go back to her lips.

...god... how i miss kissing those lips.

i hated that in the hospital. that damn tube got in the way. i wanted to kiss her lips so bad. as soon as i could after the tube came out- that night- i kissed her. so many times. over and over.

wanting to feel those lips again. and again. forever.

i miss my daughter.

He gets to hold her for now.

Life is so complex. There are so many rules. So many obstacles. So many dreams and goals.

I have struggled with the "religion/belief" issue seriously my whole life. Wondering what is real, what is not. What I agree with, what I question, If there is something more.

I started this complex thinking at a young age. I think it was more because of the environment I was in and really questioning if this was what the plan was for my life. My thinking and beliefs have come a long way.

In the last 23 years I have never grown as much spiritually as I have in the past couple weeks. 

Its still hard. I still question and I am still not totally sure.

But I am more sure now, than I have ever been before!

To know she is safe. To know she is missing me just as much as I'm missing her. To know we will be together again. I just want to hold her. Kiss her. Smell her. I want to look into her eyes and know I really will never ever have to say goodbye again.

For now.

He is doing that. He is doing my job.

He gets to hold her for now. 

Hold her tight, Keep her smiling and remind her of us!

Found this picture and had to have it. I see it everyday and each time I walk past it,

I thank him for keeping her until I can go home.