ALS Walk

Did you know SMA is referred to the Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS) of infants?

My Grandpa passed away from ALS, My daughter passed away from SMARD.

They have seen links between someone in the family having ALS and then someone else having SMA.

How are they related = is still unknown.

I can only imagine my Grandpa and Makenzie enjoying their freedom. Loving the world they are in now.

Free.

Our annual ALS walk. 

Makenzie was here last year, she wore her shirt.

This year we walked in honor of Team Haacke and Team mini Haacke :)

Held

Sometimes Most times through my life I have forgotten some pretty important people. I try not to but when I don't get the answers I want or when I want them I get angry and just block it from my mind.  Who else would I be talking about but God and Jesus Christ.  I have always been religious. I grew up LDS and have since left the church but found peace in other areas.  In my adult years I have really been known to forget those same people. No prayers, no thoughts, no thank yous, no wishes. I just lived. Living life thinking I control it and no one else. Thinking I make the good, the bad and whatever in between.  I never denied there was a greater power but I never really understood it. I didn't want to really think about it.  Once Kenzie came around how could I not think about it a little more. To know she came from heaven and was as perfect as she was. However, it wasn't until I was faced with her life in my hands that I really reached out to someone else.  Life was no longer in my control, nothing I did would change the fate of my daughters life. She was the way she was, her life was changing, her body was failing and I was stuck. I would beg God to let me keep her. I would plead when she was in pain to help her. I have never prayed so much in my life. For strength, for guidance, for healing, for hope, for love, for comfort, for peace, for help, for everything.  I needed him to come down, look me in the face and tell me she was going to be okay. He needed to assure me he would take care of her.  I never got that. In the hospital I felt she told me in her own way though. Its hard for me to describe it now because I am not in touch with that side like I was then. It only lasted while Kenzie was there. It was her. Her spirit. She made me feel comfort, peace and assurance that she would be okay.  That's all I wanted. For her to be okay- more than okay, Perfect.  I hated those tubes, I hated her failing body, I hated that fact that she was and never would be free again. 

After she returned to God, I expected comfort.  I needed a BIG in your face promise she was safe. She made it to heaven okay and that she was being taken care of.  I am not smart, I'm not really in touch with a spiritual side, I don't know how to meditate. I couldn't have a subtle whisper in my heart. I needed fireworks. AND I figured I deserved it.  I mean I have tried to live a good life, I have tried to live serving others I have lived wanting to make a difference. Then I had a baby, I was minding my own business when out of no where he took her from me. He totally stole her and didn't have a care for my feelings.  He left me empty, he left me broken. How dare he. How can he take her. I would take better care of her than him. I love her more. He has no idea what this kind of pain is. Why would he do this. Anger. Unbelievable amount of anger. Screaming at him. You take her then you never come to me. You stole my daughter and left me alone.  How could you leave me now? How could you not comfort me? Why wont you answer my prayers. I need to know she is okay, I need to feel her around me. Let me dream of her. Every night. I deserve that. I deserve to KNOW she is in heaven.

Its taken 10 months. 10 months to finally release some of that anger. Do I still have it. Yes. I think I might for a long time. But. I realized the other night, while I was crying. Missing her. How much I don't want to be like THIS forever. That I want to make her proud, I want to find joy, I want to find peace, I want to be happy. I want to find a reason again.  I cried. I talked to God. I told him I need him. I told him I don't want to be mad at him anymore. I need to have him take care of her so I don't need to worry as much because I cant spend my everyday thinking only about her and worrying if she is okay. I need to work, I need to find a hobby, I need to smile, I need to get out. I will carry her with me the whole time but I need to not cloud my mind with that over powering MISSING, WANTING, HOPING feeling. That's what take my energy. That's what consumes my everything. The guilt is there. Thinking it might hurt Kenzie's feelings that I don't sit there and wish her back all day. I worry she will think I don't love her, miss her, want her. Even though- I know how much I feel all that in my heart.  Kenzie knows my heart. That's whats important. Its not whats on the front of my mind that she is paying attention to, its the person I am inside. She knows I'm hurting. She knows I miss. I bet she is wishing she could help more. Screaming at me when I'm screaming at God telling me she is right here if I would just be.  I have been forcing this in your face feeling that I wont accept anything less. I asked God to help. I need serious help. I don't know what I want, need, feel. I just hurt and don't want to hurt like this forever. 

He has a plan. I believe that. I know Makenzie had a purpose and she fulfilled her purpose very early in life. Me- oh I have a lot of work to do. My purpose has not been fulfilled and I have to keep going until it is.  I have to make sure I do my job here so that I can be free with her forever.  This time is seeming to take way to long to get through. 10 months seems like a long time but in reality- If I live to be 85. I have 744 more months to get through. That's a lot.  But I cant waste a single one either. When I look back it wont seem long at all. Ill understand. Ill have a pure knowledge of why. The passing of Makenzie was suppose to be part of my journey. As much as I hate that and so DON'T want to believe it. It is. To know I have to go through this in order to get to where I'm going is really hard to wrap my head around. 

Makenzie is in heaven.  My daughter died. I am a mother who doesn't get to hold her child. At 23 I have experienced the greatest amount of loss anyone can experience in their whole life.  I am needing to learn. I am learning because there is something greater. This is not it. This world is just that- the world, earth and temporary.  It will run out, get old and not last forever.  The reality of forever is strange. No beginning and no end. My mind right now cant comprehend it. But Kenzie knows. She can see the reasons why. She can see the reality of forever. She is happy because she doesn't have to go through this icky world to get to where she is now. She doesn't have to deal with girl drama, boy drama, parental drama. She gets to be in the most amazing place ever. She gets to have her parents simply adore her to pieces and never for one second feel a little upset with her. She gets to just experience love. All the time. What a life. She gets to know she has changed the world in a very short amount of time and she helped make it a little better.  Makenzie is smiling, she is playing with all those balloons that never pop, she is laughing at all her friends, she is being snuggled, tickled, hugged all day. 

I don't need to worry. I need to understand God knows me. Even though I worry he doesn't, I have to have faith he does. Because- he promised. I wish I could understand a fathers love.  I wasn't able to experience that in my life growing up but I saw that for a moment with Ryan and Makenzie. I try to compare that love to Heavenly Fathers love for me. To think I'm his child. To think he knows me. To think he knows Makenzie and to think he didn't want to make me suffer. He didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to give Kenzie more. He couldn't let that perfect little girl live in this life any longer and experience the kind of pain I was feeling. She was to perfect for that. She knew to much. She was ready. How can I be mad at the person who saved her.

This song is amazing. You know me and music. I have it on my phone and listen to it several times a day. It reminds me. It gets me through because I know I am being held.
I look back and think, how did I sit next to my dieing child?
How did I hold her as her life was ending?
How did I give her to that nurse?
How did I say goodbye?
How have I not completely lost it?
How am I still breathing?

Because I am not doing it alone. I have an amazing husband. Wonderful family. And a perfect God that is holding me through it all. Those times I'm curled in a ball, he has picked me up and squeezed me tight. Even though the pain was still so great and so there. He helped it pass. He helped me continue.

Here are the lyrics to Held by Amy Grant

Two months is too little

They let her go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from her mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

Were asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

 

So now, I am not forgetting. They are in my life everyday. Because. without them- I wouldn't have her. Life is hard. It sucks. I wish everyone could catch a break more often. The suffering is to great. All around the world. But I'm learning through God- Ill be okay. Ill find my reason again.

seriously

Geesh!

Let me tell you. This guy... The one who is pictured below... The one who put that ring on my finger... The funny/cute guy roaming around my house usually looking for a snack...

Yeah HIM>

Well he both, keeps me sane and totally makes me crazy. Its a very strange balance and not one that's easily explained. I wont even try.

Well, he likes to hurt himself. NOW I'm not talking about intentionally. Its definitely not like he WANTS to hurt himself he just doesn't use the most common sense MOST of the time. Like when a pot is on the stove, he will touch it to see if its hot! HELLO. OR he is grilling and something starts to burn, instead of grabbing the cooking tools located RIGHT NEXT TO THE GRILL he grabs the meat with his bear hands! Or if we have tin foil dinners he will grab them right out of the fire. OR he will sharpen a knife then run it along his arm to see if its sharp enough to cut his arm hair off. OR he will CHEW the top of a soda can completely OFF. Or there was this one time he decided to weld something WITHOUT a mask on and burned his eyes. He couldn't see for over a week. This man is seriously so weird. He has learned more safety habits since being married to me since I SCREAM at him every time he does something like this. BUT he is still FAR from normalcy. I worried about Kenzie. I mean seriously- I can just imagine her running around with him. I would have been scared to death all the time. He is such a dare devil and fearless with MOST things.

(he can be a little girl in certain situations)

So the moral of the story- If it can ever get to it- without continuing to ramble. is.

As I came home from work, I'm walking to the house with arms full seeing Ryan finishing loading the truck for our last camping trip LIMPING. OMG. Now what. I feel bad because I see this so often I didn't seem very concerned and just said something like "what did you do now" in a kinda beastly tone. He was all nervous to tell me and skirted around the topic before he brought out his phone- TOTALLY shattered!

(BRAND NEW iPhone by the way)

I looked at the phone looked at him and got a bit worried. For a moment I was actually more worried about him than the phone :) I asked why he was limping. So apparently while loading the truck up, he fell out of it! Landed on his hip/knee crushing his phone and totally killing his knee. I rushed him inside and demanded him to take off his pants (don't get any dirty ideas) because he hadn't even looked at his knee yet.

It was HUGE. And purple and red and made me want to cry. I felt so bad. He couldn't really bend it.

A few years back he had knee surgery so I started getting hot/nervous with the thought of ME him possibly needing to go through that again (here is where the girlie-ness in him comes out). I demanded him to sit with ice and not move. He didn't listen. He kept following me around the house, limping like a 3 legged dog and apologizing for breaking his phone. Really I don't care about that. I would rather a broken phone than a broken husband (even if im a little peeved that we now have to fork out that $$ to get a new one cuz seriously once you go iphone you never go back). I kept getting upset because he wouldn't SIT. Finally I got him down-tylenol in him and trying to rest that knee. I figured if it didn't look better by morning we would go get it checked out. This morning, its still hurting him but he can walk without a limp. Its huge and puffy and bruised and looks like he grew some kind of crater out of it but will be fine.  We have so many injury's at our house, we have learned not to rush to the ER whenever anything happens because we can usually help it heal faster and better on our own. There have been a few needs for stitches but with a little glue (yes I said GLUE) and tape everything is as good as new!

Otherwise, we would be broke as a joke with medical bills.

Love you Ry Pie. Seriously though. Wait till I come home before you try to fly so I can catch you next time.

Kenzie Day #10

Kenzie Day 10 = Halloween Party!

.decorations.

  

.food.

.costumes.

 .balloons. 

.halloween candy hunt.

so much fun. so many memories. so much love.





you were here last year. you dressed up and looked fabulous. this year you watched us from heaven.

we all miss you. after we let the balloons go, LU screamed MAKENZIE. 

love you more and more.

10 Months

Its been way to long. Now into the double digits. I'm trying to hold on. I'm working hard at it. I'm not giving up. Dad and I spent a long time last night laying on the floor in your room. We I sang. I don't sing good. Its rather horrible. But I just miss it. I miss singing to you. Its hard to remember this time last year. The journey we were starting to get into.  You were growing. I was going back to work. We thought life was moving in one direction. You were starting to get sick. Its hard for me to look back and know the pain you were in. To understand your body was failing. The first day- the first time I ever noticed something happening. I play it over and over in my head. To know what that meant now. To know it really was something and not nothing. Today- its Kenzie Day. We are having a Halloween party. We are going to celebrate the life you lived. Celebrate the time we shared with you this time last year.
I'm also going to raise awareness. I have a booth set up for the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation. Maybe one more person will know about this disease. 
As I laid on your floor last night, I couldn't believe that room is really empty. That you really will not be coming back. I couldn't believe those books wouldn't be read by you, those toys wouldn't be played with. That bed will remain unslept in. Makenzie, please know you will forever be our world. We are living for you. To make a change so others don't have to experience what you did. We are living to make you proud. You are in our minds in every decision.  Please be happy. Please be that same full of life sweetheart you are. Know everyone here misses you. So many many people miss you. You will NEVER be forgotten. Not for a second. I love you to the moon. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you to infinity.
I'm sending you millions of kisses.
Love,
Mom

I have no idea what the point is.

So remember how I said I was going to do this blog challenge and write letters to all those people/things. Well I started to but ended up writing them someplace other than this blog. SHOCKING. I know. The reason being _ I don't know. It just happened that way. + I have only written 2 so I'm rather far behind and not really keeping up on it. SO I don't want to show off my challenge failing to all of you. I cant face the judgement. WHICH I'm sure you all do :)
So I'm not really doing a blog challenge but rather a blog boost. There is no competition, there is no NEED to keep up on it. But if I find myself wanting to write, not wanting to write sad things and TOTALLY unsure what to write. Ill grab one of these baby's to write about.
**** or maybe ill do it once and that'll be the end of it :) ****
So HERES the list.

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02 - The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06 - Favorite super hero and why
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12 - How you found out about blogs and why you made one
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16 - Another picture of yourself
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot
Day 24 - A letter to your parents
Day 25 - What I would find in your bag
Day 26 - What you think about your friends
Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30 - Who are you?

Seriously... Why do they have to be so long? 30 days to blog EVERYDAY is kinda hard. I try to have a life outside the cyber world, and with a post a day it leaves me little time at night to snuggle my husband and doggies. Let ALONE do any homework or cleaning. GEESH. But I do find these things kinda fun. A good FAST way to break the ice and get to know someone a bit better. SO Ill do it a couple times. I was having a rough day but didn't want to have ANOTHER pitty party for myself so I figure I better find something to distract me. HERE IT BE>
Ah so we have been SUPER busy lately. I wish I could tell you some great thing we are working on or some fabulous vacation we have been on but NO. Just life. Just laundry, cooking, shopping, homework, visiting, crafts, project, work, eating, taking baths, day dreaming about a hot tub, wishing we could plan a vacation.
It really leaves no time for anything really worthy or productive in life. I DID however send out a few more emails/letter/memo's on the LEGGINGS project. You can see the updated post on livingformrw.blogspot.com. NOW that is coming pretty quick. Not looking forward to that day. But its coming. Like it or not. NEWAY...
Lets get started on this CHALLENGE BLOG BOOST!!!
 
FACTS about none other than MUAH! ME! KDOG!
 
1 - I love to write. BUT I hate writing on paper. My fingers get sore and my hand cramps up.
2 - I have been craving the ASIAN BUFFET by my house for over a week, begging Ry to take me everyday and when we finally went, I only had 1 plate of food and was incredibly disappointed because it didn't taste good!
3 - I love RAW cookie dough
4 - I'm planning our vacation for next year and cant decide where to go. Cancun? Bermuda? New York?
5 - If it would be possible to marry SUSHI, Ryan would be in trouble.
6 - I wish I could dress cuter. I try to be adventurous but end up back in jeans and a sweatshirt
7 - I'm OBSESSED with smells. I will sniff out anything! anywhere! any day! I hate just about everything. I'm always like-- ahh do you smell that! With a smelly husband and 2 dogs, it makes for an OVERLOAD of candles/oils/scentsys throughout the WHOLE house.
8 - My new FAV. treat is any self serve frozen yogurt joint
9 - I like running but ONLY in the fall/winter season WEIRD
10 - I want a new car. It wont happen until after I graduate. WHICH will be years from now.
11 - I'm almost done with my ASSOCIATES so ill be transferring to a university soon where I will pursue my BACHS and MASTS aka: bachelors and masters 
12 - I hate school. I hate learning. I wish I could teach myself. I learn all I needed to on the streets :)
13 - I hate the word of.... private parts.... so I call them pegaseus and pegasus
14 - Vegas has been calling my name. For months now. BUT no weekend trips planned for a long time.
            remember we are saving for one of the above vaca destinations.
15 - I need to go to the WHOLE FOODs store to pick up some GLUTEN/DAIRY free items.
 
.............AND THE PICTURE.............
 

with my doggs. please stop looking at milo and harleys pegaseus and pegasus!

the story in a shoe box

its no secret that Ryan and i are young. early 20's. we have been married 4 years next month. we have been together for most of our adult life. its strange to realize how old we are and how far we have already come in life. i thought i would be open and share a little about our life.
we have known each other for years. we first met while i was living with my sister and brother in law and he lived down the street. we went to the same church and he would make fun of the clothes i would wear :) charming!
through high school we never talked much. we both were dating other people and not interested at all in each other. after i graduated he started talking to me again. through-none other than- myspace! that's right folks, we reconnected through myspace. ahh that evil social network. we started hanging out. nothing serious just friends. went to some football game, watched some football games and well-- that was it. really isn't he charming! after a few months, talking-not talking, friends-not friends we started dating. within a short amount of time we were engaged. then married. the knot was tied. the ring was on. before we even really knew what happened! our first few months were spent at the in laws. we lived in Ryan's old room until we could find a place to buy. i worked nights and he worked days. life was crazy. we finally found a townhouse around February. i was in love. we had hardly any furniture but enough to get buy. we were given a kitchen table. Ryan and his dad made our bed out of trees they cut down. we used the same bedroom furniture as i had growing up. we had a love seat and a love sac in the front room along with Ryan's OLD school tv/vcr combo. it was a box. it was small. Ryan brought his weight set over so we had our own home gym :) it was 3 bedroom and 2 family rooms and 3 bathrooms. we didn't know what to do with all the space. 2 of the rooms were empty. in march we bought our harley. at that time. we were still getting used to life together. we didn't know what to do. we would watch tv. wonder around the neighborhood. hang with a few friends. it was boring and not very exciting. we should have really enjoyed that time because oh how things have changed. you know how everyone says the first year is the hardest. hmm. we never understood that because the first year was awesome. we still liked each other :)
it was year 2 and 3 that were trouble. year 2 was the hardest. our commitment and love were really tested. we started settling into real life, real responsibility, real money, real work. it was not very fun. that year was spent fighting. usually over dumb things. like socks. who the -bleep- left another pair of socks laying in the middle of the kitchen floor for the dog to chew up. HELLO! we would argue about why i needed to paint the front room yet again. we would fight about why no one had clean undies. we would fight about why someone looked at the other person wrong. oh dear. we were a mess. however... shortly after we began into year 3 we added #3. i was pregnant. holy fertile myrtle Kendra. yes i was with child. we were sure it was a boy. i mean that's the American way right. boy then girl then white picket fence with the dog and happily ever after. year 3 was spend arguing about buying to much baby stuff, it was spent worrying about college funds, preschool fees, daycare, breastfeeding, the new world of "love making" while pregnant. SERIOUSLY. no one told me about that in maturation class or birthing class for that matter. no one told my my husband would be scared to death to touch me. no one told me i would turn into a whale and not be able to move around that belly. hmmm.. TMI?
annywho... after we found out that American dream we expected was a little turned around and we were having a girl oh how life became full of pink and purple and fairies. Ryan and i somehow grew up quite a bit overnight. we became a team and life seemed to be really good. in the midst of year 3 she was born. oh how the love grew. but so did the stress. i was soon so worried he wasn't spending enough time with kenzie, i was upset he didn't know all her cues like i did, i didn't understand why he didn't jump every time she made a peep. ah it was a bit stressful. he refused to change a dirty diaper until one day. i was in the shower. she pooped. she stunk. and he had no choice but to change her diaper. he tied that rag around his face and did it. oh was he proud. he told me over and over he did it the rest of that day and into the next. he still talks about it sometimes. being her mom and changing about 3-4 poo diapers a day, i was not impressed. sorry babe. he was funny with that girl. their favorite thing, to nap. i was annoyed. i wanted him to wake up and play with her but they napped better than playing. he liked her but she didn't do much of anything so he kinda got bored. he liked when she would smile at him but he didn't need to sit and stare for hours on end like me. he was attached to her but he wouldnt crumble at the thought of leaving her for a minute like me. hmm.. the difference between men and women. right before that 3 year anniversary we were on top of the world. married, with a home, good jobs, a dog and that little girl we dreamed of. wow. we thought we were so grown up. we thought we knew life. we thought we could do anything. on our anniversary we got our family pictures taken. it was a miracle we did this. they were scheduled the week before but we had to cancel because kenz was having her surgery. i wanted these pictures for our Christmas card so i rescheduled for the next available date. it was our anniversary. we went to liberty park. it was freezing. Kenzie was miserable. i felt so bad for her. after pictures we went to red lobster. our favorite restaurant. we warmed up and enjoyed reminiscing over the past 3 years. we went home to watch some tv before bed. i was going back to work the next day after taking more time off for her surgery. my mom was going to watch Kenzie. for over a week she had been sleeping in our room in the porta crib so we could monitor her breathing. i never got a minute of sleep with her in there so i was looking forward to her moving back to her room. i would wake up at the slightest sound. i slept with my hand on her so i could feel her breathe. it was horrible. i was exhausted but we had to do it. Ryan never slept either, he would keep getting up through the night to check on her as well. needless to say we were looking forward to her moving back into her room. so the next day was November 17th. the day she checked back into primary children's hospital and the day she never checked out.  over the next month we grew. more than we could have in a whole lifetime. we experienced so much that we never imagined experiencing. our marriage was tested, our love was tried, our commitment was on the line. through it, we passed with flying colors. luckily through every test, every diagnosis, every night we stuck together. we agreed on just about everything. towards the end, that's when we really grew. to know we were losing the thing that really brought us together. to know we were going to say goodbye to the best part of our lives and that we would have to learn to live our life without her. without that thing holding us together. wow. it was incredible. to see Ryan. to see the man he became. to see the person i became. i never thought. after December our marriage was really tested. we battled between making new lives for each other, we battle with knowing we couldn't just have another baby and that we both carried this horrible disease. we battled with depression, anxiety, crazy behaviors, irrational thoughts. we not only lost our daughter but we lost the love that tied the 2 of us together. we loved each other before but we didn't love like we should have. we never saw that then. but i see it now. through the loss of Makenzie we had to learn how to love each other with that same love we had for our daughter. Now that's hard. To realize there is no one to blame, to understand you are both suffering the same, to know there is no competition to who is hurting worse. You are both together, with the same wound, with the same scar trying to survive. We could have and still could easily fall apart. The grief has been so great that I could see how someone would go mad. Lose their mind and fall off the deep end. I have been on that edge and if Ryan wasn't there, sometimes with tough love, I would have fallen. Through year 4 we have both grown emotionally and spiritually. We have grown together as partners and individually. I'm being real. Life has progressed in a way I never imagined. I'm not ready to say I wouldn't change a thing or everything happened for a reason. Maybe someday but not now. So why am I writing this?
Because I wanted to reflect a little on where we once were to where we are now.
..... And I know its something that you think about so much that it keeps you up at night wondering so I figure I better lay it on the table. your welcome.
so here we are. 3 different paint changes in the living room, new couch, new table, replacing 3 toilets, 4 mice killed, no broken windows (woohoo), 1 break in, replacing carpet and windows, new truck, new dog 1&2, promotions at work, new tv, school, world travelers, new family members, losing others, new friends, a couple failed garden attempts, cable upgrade with dvr, putting up a for sale sign 3 times, new AC, new refrigerator, 1 emergency room visit, 1 new washer, 1 new dryer, 1 new truck, 1 pregnancy, 1 delivery, 1 little girl. 1 crazy life.

growth

days like those take a lot out of me. energy, desire, wanting, doing. i think im getting back. after mass amounts of tears. laying around. hundreds of prayers. i think im getting back. in the midst of those days/moments i feel im taking a step back. i feel im losing ground and i am not moving forward. im slowly realizing that those moments are moments where im still progressing. to keep growing and learning i have to still experience those days. the missing of Makenzie will never go away. forever i will ache for her. i will wish she was still here. i will imagine the life i would have with her. those days are part of this hell. they are part of losing a child. i cant get away from that. i need to learn how to embrace it better instead of fighting it so much. so today. on a better day than yesterday. im going to have that dance party, im going to buy a balloon, im going to sing to her, im going to hug that man. who knows how tomorrow will be. today ill remember the good, ill see the positive, illl grow.

daughters eyes

There is a sinking feeling. I don't know what happened. What changed these last few days? Why the hell cant I breathe. The needing is extreme. I don't want to see anyone. I still do. I don't want to do anything. I still do. Because I have to. I'm making myself. I cringe the whole time. Wanting to run. I cant look at those pictures. But I do. Because I need to see her. Oh how I miss her. Missing everything. Missing those eyes. God how I miss those eyes. I cant close my eyes. I see her. I want to scream. I cant relax. Its late. I'm so tierd. Stay up till I just pass out. I'm tight. I'm tense. I keep squeezing my hands. I go in there, her place. I try to stay out. I cant. I am in there before I even think about it. Those same songs keep playing in my head. Above the noise of everyone. Above the other music. Above my thoughts. Wanting to wake up. Still not real. Still cant be true. Needing to get out. Never look back. I have a husband. A family. Need to be strong. Need to live. Need to be here. How. I cant figure it out. I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm looking for the peace. I have seen it. Why the hell cant I now. Its not impossible. I know its there. Just come. What am I doing different, what am I pushing out. I don't know. Maybe its simple. I miss. I ache. She isn't here. Grief will continue for the rest of my life. Tears will never dry up. The hurt will never go. She is in heaven. She is with God. She is with my sister. She is with her great grandparents. She isn't with me. Not physically. She is okay. But I am here. In this world. Unable to see, feel, touch, hear. Unable to wrap my head around this reality. Unable to understand. Need to sleep. Need to wake up different. Need to be okay. Just okay. The tears are to heavy. My shirt is wet. My makeup is gone. I cant speak. I cant think. Not anymore tonight. Going to sleep. Trying not to think about what I'm thinking. Cant help but hear that cry, in the back of my head. It wont stop. Those eyes wont leave my mind. Wanting. Needing. Heavy. Hurt. Pain. Cant. Don't.
Ill keep praying. It will get better. She is okay. She is happy. She is playing. She is loved.

Updated

Updated THIS blog with lots of pictures from Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe Event. Its taken me a while to get them all back and uploaded. Thank you to our amazing photographers. The pictures are amazing.