still

We are in a routine.

Keeping busy, not stopping to breathe, not stopping to think.

The day is creeping up. The day she blessed our lives.

The most amazing day.

I wonder what life would be if things were different.

Would we have taken her on a trip this summer?

Would she be walking yet?

What would her first word be?

What would her smile look like?

What would be now?

I'm overjoyed at the life she gave me.

I just miss her

I forever will.

I'm trying to keep positive. I'm trying to find the joy and happiness instead of dwelling on the sad and missing.

I had to get out of the house yesterday. I found myself without thinking- going into Makenize's room to change her diaper. I have no idea where that came from. Why is that still my first instinct?

Her.

The mothers instinct? I haven't been a "MOM" for 7 months.

Does this "mothers instinct" ever go away?

Maybe never, because I will always be her mother. Even if she isn't here.

Strange.

Soo very complicated.

The questions never get easier,

the awkward tripping over my words when someone asks about children is only getting more intense.

Sometimes I say she is almost 1 but then I get more questions like,

oh isn't that a fun age, what kinds of things is she doing now?

So I then stick to her being 4.5 months but then people ask when she was born. I'm not good with math so I never know what day she was born in those instances.

I still cant, and don't want to, and don't think its any ones business to tell every person who asks that my daughter is not with me, but in heaven.

Mainly because- its weird, they don't know what to say or they say something really dumb and hurtful.

It takes time.

Its fresh- new- so very raw.

But I'm impatient.

I want to enjoy my memories, I want to melt into her pictures and videos, I want to smile at the thought of her. I don't want to cry, start losing my breath, feeling anger, getting hot and wanting to run every time the thought, image, or name resembling her comes up.

I'm still achy, still numb, still feel I'm living in a nightmare.

I still go to bed with tears in my eyes,

I still turn to Ryan and say how I missed her today.

I still beg God every night to let me dream of her.

I plead with everyone I know that is in Heaven with her to please hold her.

I still whisper my unconditional love to her.

Every night. Everyday.

I wanted to post these pictures just because. This was Thanksgiving 09.

The first day the reality really hit me. I couldn't dress her in that Thanksgiving outfit I bought.

MRW

To start this weekend. To end that pitty party.

I decided to just enjoy this...

Last night was horrible. Couldn't breathe, couldn't think straight and couldn't stop crying.

My screams woke up my husband.

He grabbed me, pulled me close.

I held him. Felt his arms and imagined my baby.

Their skin felt the same.

I held him so tight.

I imagined the day when I could hold her tight.

I hope I can control myself from squeezing her to hard.

I clung to him until I finally passed out.

My heart hurts. I miss my daughter. Its killing me.

-But-

I need to live for her.  I need to bring light to dark places.

She did so much-

her mission wasn't done-

 now its my responsibility to finish it for her.

Ill be working my butt off this weekend.

Preparing for the next.

The big weekend!!!

+

my brother is coming for a visit.

+ his girls this time.

and they are staying at our place.

+ other family from outa town

+ another big math test next week

I have so much to do.

All for you MRW

pitty party

Do you ever have those days where you just want to play a hand full of sad songs, grab a drink and wollow away in your own misery?!  I'm there. The past few days. Its really annoying. I hate being here. In this place where I'm just mad. Not at anyone in particular, not at anything other than the obvious. I'm just sad, depressed and feeling so very alone. I hate waking up because everyday I have to keep reminding myself I am real, this life is real, these trials are real and I need to live today.  I need to take a deep breath and move. Its annoying. I want to curl up in bed, cry and never get out.
NO... What I really want- is to wake up to a screaming little girl down the hall.
Oh how I miss her. Its so physical. So deep. So hard.

This event. Is so good yet so not good. Its distracting me from facing reality. It helps me live in a world where I get to pretend- I focus on other things. I am so dedicated, so motivated, so annal about everything. Its consumed my life. Everyday. If I'm not doing something for it, writing emails, making crafts, writing lists, calling people- I lose my mind. I am forgetting about other things in life- which is now feeling the effects and suffering. My husband.
If I stop and "smell the roses" Ill break. I feel I cant breathe, I feel I want to give up, I just want to hide. So I keep going- at 100 MPH. Never resting. I cant. My mind races all day until my body is to physically exhausted and I collapse into that soft polka dot blanket and pretend its something else touching me.
I'm feeling the effects of summer. Reminded what I was doing this time last year.
Preparing for her. The countdown was on. I was huge, uncomfortable and so ready for her. So ready for a life time with my daughter. I was hot, I was wanting to swim, I was ready to go on walks, camp, and play with this new person who would be soon entering and changing our lives. Now where am I? Planning an event- an event that is 10x bigger than my wedding. An event to honor the person who should be here. To help raise awareness and money for a stupid disease that I hate with a passion. I hate that it took her. I hate that I carry this dumb mutation in my genes. I hate that Ryan does to. I hate that it took her life. It made her suffer. I hate it. All of it.

For the first time-
the last few days I have had to slap myself when I start thinking this thought- it keeps coming back, everyday, it keeps creeping in my mind.
---i killed my daughter---
(don't comment on that, i know what you will say)
is that a totally irrational thing to think? yes.. i know that... but it doesn't stop me from thinking it.
it doesn't stop me from knowing i have carried this dumb gene around my whole life, that i carried my beautiful daughter around for 9 months with her poor little body infected and brought her into this world to face that reality. to have those challenges. to endure those struggles. i did do that. i didn't knowingly do it but i did it. and. I'm mad at myself. why??  because.

I'm still here. she isn't. why didn't it effect me instead of her? how did Ryan and i wind up together
1 in 50,000 are carriers... how did we fall into those odds? how did Makenzie then fall into the 1 in 4 chance of her even having the disease? we hit every odd that was thrown at us. I'm sorry but i just don't believe everything is suppose to happen. i just don't think there was a purpose for my daughter to lose her life. i know many believe that. i used to. i just cant with this. i just cant believe it.

am i being selfish- yes, do i see how irrational I'm being- yes. but today i don't care.
i miss her so much.

i want to make a difference in her name. i don't care if anyone knows me, i want them to know her. she is the reason I'm doing anything. i don't believe her journey was suppose to end so soon. i think she was suppose to do so much more in life. so now- what other choice do i have but to do it for her. and.
I'm doing it with honor.
to carry her name, to show people a different way to look at life, to tell people about these amazing children who have to live through this pain and that they do it with a smile.
they are hero's. my daughter is a hero.

this pitty party I'm having- i hope will go away soon. i don't like it. i don't like feeling like this. but i think i need it. i need to feel this hurt, this raw pain. to remember my daughter. to then sit back and realize its nothing compared to what she went through. i then love her more. and more. and more. every time it happens. i don't know how she did it. i don't understand why she held on so long- for me?! for her dad?! for her family?! she did so much, more than i could have ever asked her to do.
i wish i could show you all how amazing she is. i wish i could show you what she did everyday. you had to have been there. seen her breathing, seen her strength, seen her smile.
oh how she would warm up a room.

i just love her. more than i ever thought i could love.

i am glad I'm doing this event. i cant begin to express how much gratitude i do have towards everyone who is helping. i know many are praying for us, many are thinking of us and many many many of you know of makenzie. thank you for that. it does help. i do see it. i read every email, every comment and i feel every hug. thank you for knowing her name- that's what matters more than anything. thank you for letting her help your life. thank you for allowing us into your world.
I'm sorry I'm having a pitty party. if you want to hear happy upbeat news- go to livingformrw.blogspot.com
i only write fun happy things there. because... its a fun happy event that will benefit a lot of deserving people.

4th of July

For the 4th of July we took up the invite from my sister and brother and headed up to Lava Hot Springs in Idaho.  We took off Friday night for one fun weekend.

We swam in hot pools, floated down the lake, went over waterfalls, fell on rocks, cut up our legs pretty good, ate lots of junk food, ate lots of yummy dinners, ate lots of cobbler, drove around on the golf cart, went to the shopping mart about 100 times, drank a million gallons of root beer, dr pepper and diet coke, played in the dirt, got muddy, walked around town, got square ice cream, painted pictures, played, played, played and swam some more.

We had so much fun.

Nothing could have topped this weekend.

My shoulders are burnt

My legs are bruised and cut up

and my husband is really sick- prob. from to much sun

but we would do it all again in a second.

I cant wait to go back- this year.

harley is a water dog- she will swim for hours and hours and never get out.

we were anxious to see how milo would do.

he loved it.

he had a great time.

and it was a great work out.

i made sure to hold onto them so they didnt float down the river.

and for your viewing pleasures... here is our milo... after swimming for about 5 minutes! haha.. he is so lazy.

last but not least...

Thank You Thank You to all our service women and men. You are the reason we have this holiday.

Thank you for our freedom!

birth story

This time last year all I could think of was "I wouldn't be leaving this month without a baby!" WOW... I was so excited yet soo nervous. I remember crying to Ryan one day telling him I worried about loving her and wondered if I would love her as much as I love Harley (OUR DOG). LOL.. Oh what an idiot I was :)

I was certain our little girl would be late. In the weeks leading up to her due date I was never dilated.  I thought for sure I would have to be induced so I made my doctor promise me he wouldn't let me go a week over my due date. My due date was July 22 so I was thinking no later than July 29 this girl would be coming out one way or another.  It was hard to work because I was anticipating 3 months off! I was hot and not wanting to swim because- well- lets face it. I was an extremely white beached whale. It was rather embarrassing!  Just ask Jill. I made her swim with me one time and I pulled up my swim top to get a little color to my over sized white belly- as I did that- the whole pool erupted in screams. No one knew what horrible blinding thing they were looking at and started running for the gate. I quickly pulled my top back down and whipped a tear... Jill was horrified and wouldn't talk to me for weeks after.

AnyWay

Since we are creeping up on Miss Makenzie's 1st birthday I wanted to share the tale of her birth.

I cant believe I never did this before, or maybe I did- eh I dont remember!

It started on July 15th. I was having horrible pains through the night but they never got closer than like 10 min. apart. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't walk, I couldn't do anything but cling to my bed in silence hoping not to wake Ryan.  By morning- Everything was fine and there was no pain. I went to work, did my daily routine and then headed up to Milcreek canyon with our other couple the Andersons for one last fire and roasting of mallows before we were toting new baby's up there with us.

(remember Allie was having a boy- due 3 weeks after me)

The whole time we were up there I felt nothing. I kept asking Allie what should I do.

Can I push things along? I want to have her now!

That night I went to bed so exhausted from no sleep the night before. I woke only an hour or two later with horrible contractions again. I started timing them and again- never getting closer than 10 min. apart.  I got in a warm bath and sat there for close to 3 hours.  I then went downstairs to watch infomercials and time my contractions in hopes they either stop or get closer together.  By morning- they were gone and I was fine.

The next day I decided to call into work because I was so exhausted and couldn't imagine trying to keep my eyes open another second. I also called my doctor to let him know what had been going on. He asked me to come in for a non stress test and we could check out my contractions and watch the baby's heart rate.

I never was able to go back to sleep, The contractions continued mid morning until I got to the doctors office. Of course- once I got hooked up to the monitors everything stopped.  My mom came and sat with me while I listened to her heart beat and watched for contractions. I was hoping they would say- woohoo your in full blown labor lets get you in a room now!  BUT NO. They said, she is fine and you are fine and no contractions. Go Home.

So I did.

Around 3:30pm I started getting contractions AGAIN. I tried to ignore them this time. I remember watching all of Ellen then starting into Oprah and thinking if I still have them after Oprah is over then ill start timing them.

I tried my hardest to ignore them but they were so intense I wanted to cry. I couldn't wait until the end of Oprah to start timing them so I started at about 4:30. They were about 7 minutes apart. I told myself from the very beginning I will NOT go to the hospital unless they are under 5 minutes apart and lasting at least 1 minute. I'm not going to be sent home.  So we timed. Ryan ate dinner, I couldn't even think of food.

The pain was getting worse and worse. I had an exercise ball that I heard will help labor. I sat on that thing and a contraction started, for whatever reason that ball made those contractions hurt x1000. I couldn't breathe or move. I just motioned to Ryan and finally got the words out "PUSH ME OFF!!!"

So he did. I fell over and clung to the couch until it passed.

OMG

That thing was evil. I thought it might have been just that one contraction but I had another kneeling on the ground which was fine, then I thought I would try the ball again and the same thing happened- I had to have Ryan shove me off! dumb ball...

So about 7:30pm the contractions were under 5 minutes and lasting over a minute so I finally said lets get going!

It was a pretty exciting feeling to know this was it.

I had to run into the baby's room one last time and make sure everything was ready for her. I changed my clothes, picked up the house, gave harley the new bones we bought for her and hit the road.

Its kinda funny- and ryan will agree I promise-

I was nicer than I have ever been my whole life when I was in labor.

I think its just because I was trying so hard not to be one of those girls who is yelling at her husband saying "you did this to meeee"

the whole car ride to the hospital my contractions were getting closer and closer and more and more intense. ryan was so nervous and trying to drive as fast as he could. I kept calmly telling him he was doing a great job and to not worry. I said just get us there safe, your fine, i love you so much...

oh i make myself throw up!

as i was getting out of the car i started in on another contraction, i didn't want to sit back down for fear i wouldn't get back up. so i stood there with my legs shaking, hunched over the car door. it finally ended so i walked in. as i got to the check in desk i started getting another. i couldn't even talk to the poor nurse who kept asking questions. she asked if i wanted a wheel chair which i didn't want.

she took us right back to a room- again on the way to the room i got another one and had to brace myself on the wall. ryan was laughing at me. he said i kept trying to walk and they were both like- get a wheelchair!

but I'm stubborn and didn't want one.

i got to the room. she gave me the gown to change into and left.

bad idea.

leaving a lady in labor with her poor husband who couldn't put a gown on to save his life!

it was a disaster.

we were both laughing hysterically while i was having another contraction while he was buttoning this gown around my legs, under my arm, around my neck which choked me.

the nurse came back in the middle of this.

she had to dress me.

i tried to dress myself but by that time the contractions were coming like every 30 seconds so i couldn't do anything.

i went pee then got into bed.

she hook up all the monitors. and started to check me.

(now remember my last apt earlier in the week i was dialed to 1/2!!! Not a 1 but a 1/2-

 to be honest i think we are all dilated to a 1/2 everyday!)

but when she looked up and said i was at a 4- my eyes started to turn red.

grrr.. are you kidding me. 4. i thought i would be at a 10 1/2!

she said she would call the doctor in and see how far along i was by the time he got there and if i was still progressing they would keep me.

he came in about 20 min. later and guess what

i was a 6 1/2.

yup i was in labor.

on my way to having this child

...

woohooo

so she said she would get the anesthesiologist and get me my epidural.

double woohooo

...

the drug God came in

then came

my contractions being pretty much every second and not laying off at all,

the drug God making me fold into a little ball,

that dumb numbing needle which was 100x worse than the epidural needle that

thankfully was followed by that line to pure bliss.

I was fine after that.

I was all tingly and spacey but not in pain.

my mom was there by that time.

ryan was in the hall frantically calling his parents who were in a MOVIE!!

can you believe it?!

haha.. ok so they got out of the movie with plenty of time to spare but seriously- they should have been sitting at home, holding their phone, waiting for the moment we called to tell they we were at the hospital.

seriously- geesh!

so after the drug God performed his magic the nurse checked me again and i was an 8.

almost there!

my doc was not working that night :( so i had to have the on call doc. which is fine cuz he was pretty awesome.

so we waited. ryans parents came up, his sister, my mom was there. i was texting my family and we watched a little tv. we were certain i would have this baby on July 17th. i was at an 8 at like 10pm.. it was Ryans late grandfathers bday so we thought it would be cool if she came on his special day.

well we now think he had other plans and wanted to keep her all to himself for his WHOLE birthday and then she could come.

starting at about 1:30 am on July 18th I started to push.

It felt like only a few minutes but at 2:10 am she came.

*not before my epidural pretty much wore all the way off and i could feel EVERYTHING*

i was certain she would be bald

she had a head full of brown hair

i was certain she would be late

she was 4 days early

i was certain i wouldn't know how to love her

i was over the moon the moment i saw her.

when they broke my water they noticed maconium. (poop)

**she was always a good pooper**

so once she came out- after a quick second on my tummy-

her arms stretched out, fingers spread, eyes popped wide open

they whisked her away to the icu team that was standing by.

they sucked, poked, tickled and pinched in attempts to get her to cry.

20 minutes which felt like 10 hours later they figured she just didn't want to cry. she was happy and that's it.

they gave her back. wrapped up with that dumb goo in her eyes and a cute lil hat on.

she was awake and so unbelievably perfect.

that's the moment our life began.

everything before, was a fog, it didn't matter.

she was the only thing that meant anything.

looking at my daughter, my own little person,

this little thing i created with this amazing man standing next to me.

it was amazing. an unbelievable feeling.

i never knew pure happiness until that moment

i never knew unconditional love until i meet her

i never knew real passion, commitment or purpose until july 18th 2009.

her first picture-

she was giving us a nice full moon!

her grandmas amazed at the most beautiful thing they have ever seen! :)

What a day.

What a start to a life.

It was amazing- the definition of perfection.

Around 4:30 am I was wheeled into my room, they gave me cold cereal (which never tasted so good- ahh i was starving) then they brought her back.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't put her down. My life had officially started and I wanted to soak up every second of it.  That day was full of visitors, hugs, kisses, pictures and love.

We went home the next morning.

I cant believe its almost been 1 year.

1 year since life began- almost 7 months since it ended.

oh how i wish i could do it again.