... write it out

I'm mad but instead of venting through this dumb post again I'm going to write it out in a different way. i don't think kenzie knew the feeling of being mad. the worst could be going on in her little world and she would brave it out. she would keep going. i hate that i cant be more like her but I'm trying. this post will be random and probably not make any sense but i just want to write about her. maybe i can sort out my feelings as i go on.

she had a little bit of a lazy eye like her dad. you can only see it in certain pictures or at certain times. it was no secret that she loved her hands- she would try so hard to get her whole fist in her mouth. she gagged herself only a few times with her fingers. she loved when i would tuck her in her carseat or her bed with her pokadot blanket- i would tuck it under both sides of her face. she would snuggle up to it. she didn't mind bows but hated hats. she hated getting her clothes changed. she didn't really care for being naked. her skin was so sensitive and anytime you would even touch her skin it would leave a red mark. she loved being on her left side more than her right, unless the tv was on the right then she liked being on that side. her eyes would get red when she was sleepy or upset. she had this red oval on her right eye lid that got very red when she cried. she was learning to rub her eyes when she was really sleepy. she started to like sucking my finger because the binky didn't really fit in that great around her breathing tube. she would suck so hard, my finger instantly turned into a prune when she sucked on it. her finger nails grew really fast but her toe nails grew really really slow. the one time i painted her finger nails she sucked most of the paint off so i never did that again. although i have over 10 pairs of shoes for kenzie she never fit into one of them. we got a mold of kenzie's foot when she was 3 weeks and another a week before she passed and they are pretty much the same size, just one of them is a little longer. she would smile every time her dad came home from work, not so much for her mom. in the hospital i let kenzie try chocolate, a pickle and a sucker. she hated them all. she liked her touch and feel books. she loved books with bright colors. she listened to music before she went to bed every night. usually she would get through - butterfly kisses, return to pooh corner, some piano song then it wont be like this for long, then she was asleep. she loved the baby bjorn but not as much as i did. she hated her car seat- when it was time to go in the morning i would carry her around while i did everything, i even trained the dog to get her own treat so i didn't have to bend over with everything in my arms. i would even open the door before i would put her in her carseat. as soon as she was in i would run to the car and take off. once we got on the freeway she was fine. we dreamed together every night. her fingers fit perfectly around my fingers. she fit perfectly into my arms. her head fit perfectly under my chin.

i miss my baby. although I'm crying now, this was better than therapy. its amazing how fast your life, thoughts and feelings can change when you go through a life changing event. things that normally wouldn't bother me, drive me nuts now and things that normally would bother me, don't seem so important anymore. i don't know whats going on. i think the single most annoying, aggravating thing is how people take life for granted. i don't understand why certain things are important or i don't understand how you can treat someone else like they are dirt. i hate hate hate thinking about someone hurting another. whether its something as big as physically hurting someone or something as simple as giving them a dirty look in the store. wondering around trying to find something to get my husband for christmas, no one knows i just lost my daughter and that I'm carrying her blanket in my purse and I'm ready to fall over any second because i want her back so badly. i just think if I'm walking around feeling like that- how many other people are walking around going through similar or even worse problems. it just makes me think how we all need to do our part to make this world a little better. if someone seems upset and you don't know them, maybe you can just smile at them or even talk to them. if you see someone wondering around looking crazy or weird, its probably me, or someone who could be going through a horrible thing in their life and they are just trying to keep moving. if it wasn't for my amazing family and friends getting me out of bed every morning, keeping me busy during the day, letting me lean on them, giving me something to smile about, hugging me or any of the other millions of things they do for me, i would be curled up on the floor wishing i was dead or if i was to ever got out of the house i would probably go crazy and hurt someone. i wish everyone out there would take a second when you see someone you usually judge and stop and realize you have no idea what they could be going through, never ever say you would do this or you would do that in their situation because you have no freaking clue what you would really do. you are not in that situation and you couldn't imagine what could really happen if you were. no one out there has a perfect life, we are all going through hard times now and again which should give you even more reason to be nice to someone else. this holiday season is pretty much here, i have been a little behind and just getting around to doing the things i really want for other people but I'm making myself and my daughter a promise to be more like her this year. she smiled at everyone. she didn't care what color you were, if you smelled funny or not, if you just pricked her with a needle or anything. she loved everyone. we all need to be more like her. we need to give more. no matter how bad we have it, someone somewhere in this world is going through something worse than us. as much as i hurt right now, i know my situation could be worse.

tonight, I'm going to bed praying that makenzie holds me again. i hope she will join me in my dreams but i also hope she helps someone else out there that needs a little angel tonight, she is good at bring happiness and peace.