i am learning something new everyday- today is no exception.
I'm realizing life is never going to be the same. i will always love makenzie with all my heart and think about her everyday, that will never change.
she will never come back, that will never change. i WILL, however see her again. my daughter is in heaven, she is waiting for me and for her daddy. she is watching over us and will keep us moving.
i have been having a really hard time the last few days worrying if i made the right choice with everything we have done with makenzie. should we have pushed harder for certain tests or pushed harder for them to not do this or that. could things have been different? my emotions get in the way and make me think i should have done more, maybe i should have held on longer and makenzie could have been a miracle or some how, some way she would be healed. i have a hard time looking at her pictures and seeing my perfect daughter- knowing all along she had this disease and i didn't know. when i really sit down and sort out my feelings, which is something i really had to do today, i remind myself that i did do everything i was suppose to. a great person told me while makenzie was in the hospital after we found out she had this disease and trying to figure out what to do,
'You're not making this decision, makenzie has already made it.' she was still alive this last month because she was on life support, a machine was breathing for her.
she choose ryan and i to be her parents, she knew before she came here that she would only be here for a short amount of time. she was so special that she only needed a few months to do everything that she needed to do here in this world. how special is she and how special is our family to have this beautiful little angel come into our life.
although all of this knowledge gives me peace, i am still missing makenzie beyond words. i will always miss her, i will always want her in my arms. that wont go away. i will keep talking to her and i will keep asking her to come hold me. maybe there will come a time i wont need her quite as much as i do now, which is all day and all night. there will come a time when i wont physically ache. there will come a time when everything, including a billboard, wont make me cry because i miss kenzie. there will come a time when i can go into her room and hold her things. there will come a time when i will be able to sleep in my bed again. for right now, we are just moving one minute at a time.