Monday, December 21, 2009

... write it out

I'm mad but instead of venting through this dumb post again I'm going to write it out in a different way. i don't think kenzie knew the feeling of being mad. the worst could be going on in her little world and she would brave it out. she would keep going. i hate that i cant be more like her but I'm trying. this post will be random and probably not make any sense but i just want to write about her. maybe i can sort out my feelings as i go on.

she had a little bit of a lazy eye like her dad. you can only see it in certain pictures or at certain times. it was no secret that she loved her hands- she would try so hard to get her whole fist in her mouth. she gagged herself only a few times with her fingers. she loved when i would tuck her in her carseat or her bed with her pokadot blanket- i would tuck it under both sides of her face. she would snuggle up to it. she didn't mind bows but hated hats. she hated getting her clothes changed. she didn't really care for being naked. her skin was so sensitive and anytime you would even touch her skin it would leave a red mark. she loved being on her left side more than her right, unless the tv was on the right then she liked being on that side. her eyes would get red when she was sleepy or upset. she had this red oval on her right eye lid that got very red when she cried. she was learning to rub her eyes when she was really sleepy. she started to like sucking my finger because the binky didn't really fit in that great around her breathing tube. she would suck so hard, my finger instantly turned into a prune when she sucked on it. her finger nails grew really fast but her toe nails grew really really slow. the one time i painted her finger nails she sucked most of the paint off so i never did that again. although i have over 10 pairs of shoes for kenzie she never fit into one of them. we got a mold of kenzie's foot when she was 3 weeks and another a week before she passed and they are pretty much the same size, just one of them is a little longer. she would smile every time her dad came home from work, not so much for her mom. in the hospital i let kenzie try chocolate, a pickle and a sucker. she hated them all. she liked her touch and feel books. she loved books with bright colors. she listened to music before she went to bed every night. usually she would get through - butterfly kisses, return to pooh corner, some piano song then it wont be like this for long, then she was asleep. she loved the baby bjorn but not as much as i did. she hated her car seat- when it was time to go in the morning i would carry her around while i did everything, i even trained the dog to get her own treat so i didn't have to bend over with everything in my arms. i would even open the door before i would put her in her carseat. as soon as she was in i would run to the car and take off. once we got on the freeway she was fine. we dreamed together every night. her fingers fit perfectly around my fingers. she fit perfectly into my arms. her head fit perfectly under my chin.

i miss my baby. although I'm crying now, this was better than therapy. its amazing how fast your life, thoughts and feelings can change when you go through a life changing event. things that normally wouldn't bother me, drive me nuts now and things that normally would bother me, don't seem so important anymore. i don't know whats going on. i think the single most annoying, aggravating thing is how people take life for granted. i don't understand why certain things are important or i don't understand how you can treat someone else like they are dirt. i hate hate hate thinking about someone hurting another. whether its something as big as physically hurting someone or something as simple as giving them a dirty look in the store. wondering around trying to find something to get my husband for christmas, no one knows i just lost my daughter and that I'm carrying her blanket in my purse and I'm ready to fall over any second because i want her back so badly. i just think if I'm walking around feeling like that- how many other people are walking around going through similar or even worse problems. it just makes me think how we all need to do our part to make this world a little better. if someone seems upset and you don't know them, maybe you can just smile at them or even talk to them. if you see someone wondering around looking crazy or weird, its probably me, or someone who could be going through a horrible thing in their life and they are just trying to keep moving. if it wasn't for my amazing family and friends getting me out of bed every morning, keeping me busy during the day, letting me lean on them, giving me something to smile about, hugging me or any of the other millions of things they do for me, i would be curled up on the floor wishing i was dead or if i was to ever got out of the house i would probably go crazy and hurt someone. i wish everyone out there would take a second when you see someone you usually judge and stop and realize you have no idea what they could be going through, never ever say you would do this or you would do that in their situation because you have no freaking clue what you would really do. you are not in that situation and you couldn't imagine what could really happen if you were. no one out there has a perfect life, we are all going through hard times now and again which should give you even more reason to be nice to someone else. this holiday season is pretty much here, i have been a little behind and just getting around to doing the things i really want for other people but I'm making myself and my daughter a promise to be more like her this year. she smiled at everyone. she didn't care what color you were, if you smelled funny or not, if you just pricked her with a needle or anything. she loved everyone. we all need to be more like her. we need to give more. no matter how bad we have it, someone somewhere in this world is going through something worse than us. as much as i hurt right now, i know my situation could be worse.

tonight, I'm going to bed praying that makenzie holds me again. i hope she will join me in my dreams but i also hope she helps someone else out there that needs a little angel tonight, she is good at bring happiness and peace.






20 comments :

Jenni said...

Wow Kendra! You're amazing! Everything you said is so true. Thank you for the reminder to be a little kinder and a little more grateful, especially during this Holiday Season. I hope you have amazing dreams about sweet Kenzie tonight. You're a wonderful mother and person. Thinking of you....

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

You are so very right, if we all could see how people could be going threw something, or even worst, and be kinder how the world would be more nicer. I hope Makenzie will visit you tonight, I bet she does, and is with you all the time even though you made not always see it or feel it, she does!You, and Ryan and Makenzie sure have made me realise alot of things, and to appericate little things I didnt before. Thank you guys for that!
I hope your Christmas is wonderful, and I know your little Christmas angel will be there with you guys! Know were here for you guys!

Katie Danner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katie Danner said...

This is so beautiful Kendra. You know, I have been so truly touched by following your blogs and this journey you have been on, I truly appreciate you sharing all your feelings as it has inspired me too. Mackenzie is so beautiful in these pictures. What an angel. I truly hear you on so much of what you said. I feel the same way.....I have always had an overly sensitive and compassionate heart that I could feel peoples pain...and it would break my heart to see people treat eachother so poorly, and judge one another. It almost became detrimental to me- to feel so much compassion for others, even when they didn't toward me. I realize its just human nature now and apart of life. But I agree- and thank you much for your sincere reminder that someone is always struggling something. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." -Winston Churchill. Love you Kendra- and thank you again for sharing all your thoughts and feelings. I hope Mackenzie is near you tonight too. All my love, Katie

Diane Lewis said...

Sunshine, you are so amazing! You are doing what you need to do for yourself and for your healing process. You keep it up. We are all here to support you and love you and hug you. All hearts as one, and right now you are our center Sunshine! In our hearts, in our prayers, and let us listen and learn and be better for it.

Life is good! said...

what incredible lessons your daughter taught you. and in such a short amount of time. she was a beautiful baby, lucky you and lucky her to have great parents. May God bless you and your husband as you walk this painful road. She will now be watching over you.

TMI Tara said...

Kendra you are just incredible. Your words are so sweet and pure. I think you're a lot more like Makenzie than you realize. I'm going to try to be more like Kenzie this year too. She truly is such a special spirit. Those pictures of her are just beautiful. {{HUGS}}

Anonymous said...

Sweet Kendra,
Your posts are amazing...I still think about & pray for you & your family each & everyday. I know for certain that Kenzie is holding you & keeping you afloat. I saw this quote on another blog a few weeks ago & it so pertains to what you are saying & feeling...
-"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" -Plato
Thinking of you.
-Mikelle

starnes family said...

You can so feel the love through your writing. I know she's holding you.....and we're praying for you.....please don't lose sight of that.

Sam and Julie said...

As always, your words are amazingly beautiful. You have such a gift! I loved them so much I reposted them on my blog so that I clould help spread your message. Its something everyone needs to hear. Thank you for reminding us to be more like Kenzie.

Someone sent me this Irish Blessing today and I immediately thought of you and your husband so I had to pass it along. Sending hugs from California. xoxo

http://www.e-water.net/viewflash.php?flash=irishblessing_en

The Prices said...

This video is a little long, just over 9 minutes but I thought of you when I watched it. Thinking of you!
Kerry

http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/a/u/0/y22ItxCz0_k

Emma said...

You little Kenzie has left such an impression and is such an inspiration and than you so much for continuing her message! We all need a reminder not to take life and people in our lives for granted...to smile at everyone as you are right, we don't know their 'story' and that smile might be just what they need. I have no doubt your little girl was here to teach so much in such a short time and although that doesn't ease the pain I hope you see that her life and memory will always be remembered. Thanks for sharing your heart, I hope it helps your healing as I know it is helping others. Love and prayers, Emma

Amy said...

Your comments reminded me of this quote and you are also just as wise:
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

Anonymous said...

I saw you in the mall today... I don't know you, but recognized you from your blog. I almost ran back just to give you a hug, but thought that might make me look crazy. :) I just want to wish you a peaceful Christmas. God bless.

Esther said...

Beautiful post Kendra! You knew your 4 1/2 month old daughter better than a lot of parents really know their children in a lifetime. Your relationship with Makenzie is really special.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog today and wept through the entries from most recent to the beginning. My heart aches for you and your family.
You seem very strong. I hope it gets easier.

My prayers are with you.

Lexie said...

You are incredibly strong. Seriously, I am so amazed at how you are handling this and I don't even know you! As I read each of your posts, I am reminded of how truly blessed I am. Thank you for being such an inspiration. I will definitely try to be more like Kenzie(and you) this season and forever. You honestly have forever changed my outlook. Praying and thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Kendra, I have been following your blog and I have never felt so close to someone I don't even know. You are amazing. You have made me become a more patient and an all around better person. Your words have touched me in a way that nothing ever has. Kenzie was a beautiful baby and I know that she is with you always. You are the best person and mother I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. Your words have helped so many people with so many different things. I think about you and Ryan every day. I pray for you and Ryan to have the sharp pain be a little duller as the days pass. Everytime I read your posts I just cry and cry. Thank you so much for allowing us all to be a part of your healing process. I know that reading your blog has helped me. Kenzie was an amazing, beautiful little girl, now she is an amazing, beautiful little angel.
Praying for you and your family every day...

BRIAN~KANDICE~ALI~ALYSSA said...

YOu dont know me, but I have been reading your blog. I'm a negbor of Esters. I was thinking the same things you have been that other people have far worse problems than our owns. I have been going througha rough time and it was right when I read your first blog about your sweet little angel passing onto her heavenly father. NAd I just cryed my eyes out. It made my problems seem nothing compared to what you are going through. I know it's tough and i"m not going to say I know how you feel because I dont. But Ijust hope and pray that it will get better for you. that YOuwill listen to those lieel prompting from our father in heavan. He only does things that he knows we have to gro from and learn from.. even though we may not like them. I have a hard time understanding that one. I love reading your Blog and I hope you dont mind that I read it. it gives me streghnth to be a better person by seeing how strong you are. I would feel the same way if not worse if it was me (I think) I dont think I would ever get myself out of bed. I dont know how you do. I pray for you and your family. just realize you will see her again one day. She is saving you a place and creating a beautiful mansion for you to come and see her at.
Kandice

Alerie said...

You have touched my life in so many ways. Your words are so perfectly said. I don't even know you, but I think about your family constantly throughout my day. I have always been a really sensitive person and felt really bad when other people were being made fun of or hurting. I have always just really cared about others feelings. I have always wished I could take away everyone's pain. I just don't like others to hurt. I am human though and I do make mistakes. So thank you for reminding me again to give a stranger a smile, to be a little more patient, to be a little kinder.....it might be just what they need in that moment!! I hope your precious Makenzie holds you and dreams with you again tonight!! She is always watching over you and Ryan!! Always thinking of you and praying for you!!

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