we spent this weekend just the 2 of us. we got away for a night and tried to get our minds off everything going on around us. of course it didn't work. we had a great time being together and stayed at an awesome place but our minds kept going back to the same thing.
i think what gets so hard is the smallest thing will bring up thoughts, feelings and memories. as i went to pay for our room, i got in my purse saw the barnes and nobel gift card that i got from my credit card rewards and remembered i got that gift card to buy makenzie books for christmas. i remember trying to pick what gift card i wanted and couldn't think of a better one than that one. i had a few books in mind that i wanted to get her and i knew she would love. i almost broke down in front of the poor receptionist but held it back until we got into the room.
we went to our church's christmas program today- it was incredible... we loved it... however this adorable little girl sat near us. she was just perfect, she looked like kenzie. she even had the same blanket makenzie has and the same binkie. i think her mom thought i was crazy because i just couldn't stop staring at her. i just imagined sitting there with my kenzie. her little hands and arms and even her mouth reminded me of makenzie. she had these beautiful eyes that made me think of makenzies eyes.
i want to know when this sharp pain will go away? or will it ever? its only been a week but at the same time its been a week. shouldn't it get a little easier? i actually feel like its harder sometimes.
we have officially ran out of clothes so i figured i better get some laundry done. i was separating our clothes and found a pair of kenzie's pjs... ahhh... her clothes are never in our laundry basket. she has her own in her room (there is a basket full in her room but i cant even go in there so they wont be washed for who knows how long) why is it that just because her dirty little clothes were in my laundry i froze. i couldn't move. ryan was calling me from downstairs and i couldn't even answer. i got a little mad because i haven't been home in a month so i didn't understand why this wasn't spotted earlier when ryan did laundry other times. why did i have to find it now? i wouldn't ever really be mad at ryan about that but it just hurt. i wanted to run downstairs and whip my poor husband in the butt for not finding every little thing like that and putting it away. i hope it doesn't last more than today but i have been really short with him. i am feeling frustrated very easy. i have been feeling frustrated with God. so many feelings today at church- one feeling at one point was anger, another was peace and warmth, another was jealousy, another was annoyed- just to name a few. i watch tv and realize i cant watch this crap because i get so emotional. i get mad when people take their kids for granted, i get annoyed when i see people loving on their kids. i don't know what i want.
this post is all over the place. so is my mind. hope it makes a little sense.