Friday, December 18, 2009

the day

today has been a better day. this morning i laid there alone on the couch thinking i was going to call allie and tell her i couldn't go out. i was going to lay there and cry all day. i didn't want to move. a little knock came to my back door. i laid still thinking they would go away. i thought it was my sweet neighbors or something but i didn't want them to see me in my pjs. they kept knocking. i finally got up and saw it was my sister alana and her baby lucy. i have to say she was the first person to save me today, she got me up and made me smile. she helped me feel better. the second person to help save me today- my allie. she took me shopping (really helps you feel better sometimes) since christmas is a week from today i figured i better get some stuff for my family, esp ryan. the third person who saved me - my kate and omar who cooked an amazing meal and my greg and his daughter jessica who brought it to us. thank you all for giving me this day. it was a day i still thought about makenzie every other second but i didn't feel sorry for me.

since i have felt a little better today i figure this is a perfect time to start talking about some of the things that happened over the last few days and i thought i would start with the day kenzie passed and how we made that decision.

the day kenzie passed away we were planning on letting them take the tube out around 7 pm and holding her as she peacefully passed in our arms. we asked our parents to come and be with us but not to come earlier than 5 pm. we spent our last day loving our little girl. we traded off holding her all day. we kissed her, held her hands, hugged her, felt her weight in our arms and gave her a bath. the last few days were really getting hard for her. she was so tired, weak and uncomfortable. i could see in her eyes everyday she was ready to be free. i would get up every morning, talk to her, and try to feel when she was ready to go. we wanted certain nurses and doctors to help us when she was to go because we trusted them to make her comfortable and not let her suffer. to do that we kind of needed to plan a day. i said sunday night but with the understanding if i woke up and didn't feel right we wouldn't do it. i heard a few times 'you know you don't have to do it now' but what everyone needed to understand is this decision wasn't made with ryan and i in mind. if it was made based only on makenzie. to wait and do it another day or after the holidays meant we were keeping makenzie in this body and keeping her on those machines and keeping her uncomfortable and for what- us? as her parents we felt it was our obligation to her that we needed to let her go when she is ready and not keep her here for us. we were lucky enough to talk to many incredible families about their sweet children who have similar problems as kenzie. we heard about their feelings and their struggles. although it was the right choice for them to do it one way we knew we had to do what we felt was right for makenzie. we thought long and hard about what we were going to do and when it all came down it it, we made this choice based on what we knew makenzie wanted. we talked to her and we watched her. i have said before, she will talk to you with her eyes. i knew she was telling us she was ready to be done. it took a few days for me to even admit what i knew to ryan. i couldn't say those words. i denied it. i wasn't scared of traching her, quitting my job, selling our house and doing anything we needed to take care of her. i was up for anything if it meant being with her even for one more day. ryan kept telling me he didn't really feel the same. kenzie and him had an amazing connection and he knew early on what she wanted. when i finally talked to ryan about it and admitted to myself and to him what she had been telling me all along we started to work through it together. we never told anyone else at first. we kept it to ourselves. we prayed for comfort if this was the right decision, we thought alot about it and we continued to talk to other people about their thoughts and feelings regarding both choices.
when sunday came i kept praying i wouldn't have to make the call. there is NO way i could say "its time". i wouldn't let myself think about it. i just held kenzie. kissed her and held her hands. i told her all day how much i love her and how we will always be together in our hearts. just after 5 when her grandparents came kenzie started making a funny noise. i asked ryan to get the nurse. the nurse came in and quickly turned and ran to the door telling the doctor her tube was out. i held kenzie tighter and my heart was racing a million miles a minute. i think a few dozen nurses and doctors ran into our room. kenzie's doctor looked at ryan and i and said "are you okay? are you ready now?" it was the single worst moment of my life. i know for ryan to. we knew it was coming, we were preparing for it to happen in a couple more hours but to actually say it was okay to let her go was horrible, to know our baby was leaving us in that moment. ryan grabbed me and held both kenzie and i. i held her so close to me as they hurried and gave her a little oxygen until they could get her some medicine to calm her down a little so she didn't feel like she didn't have any air. i was holding her little hand and i felt her grip get looser and looser. we cried, talked to her and held her. we kept telling her how much we love her and how she is everything we could ever dream of. we had so many emotions and spiritual feelings in those moments that i could go into but feel they are to personal and special to ryan and i that we will keep them just between the 3 of us.
we felt our baby leave us in those few minutes. we knew angels were in her room and came to take her home to heaven. although it was the worst pain i have ever been in, i felt a small amount of peace through it all knowing my daughter wasn't in any pain anymore. kenzie's time of death was 5:25 pm ish...
after all was said and done we sat back and realized we didn't make this decision after all. she made it all along. she prepared us for what was going to happen and she ended up making the final say in the end as well. our little girl wasn't meant to be here for an average persons lifetime. she came, made this world a little better, did her job and then returned to God.
I hurt, I'm in pain everyday. I miss my baby so much and i often find myself yelling at God asking why Makenzie. Asking why she had to have any pain in the first place and why she was the one who had to go. I hope and pray this will get a little less painful. I hope I can find peace more than a few moments here and there. Its all still fresh and new so I'm not expecting it to happen within the next few days but I hope at some point I can feel more peace.
After kenzie's spirit had left we all sat in her room. we all held her, kissed her, cried on her and hugged each other. we had an amazing photographer come and take some beautiful pictures of kenz. Her last photos without tubes. She looked so amazing in them.
We stayed with her for hours. it was extremely hard to leave there. we let her balloons go outside. it was great to see them float to heaven knowing she would catch them all.

i cant decide if today was a stepping stone for me and I'm going in a good direction of find that peace or if I'm back into denial mode. it scares me. when i go back into denial mode i run into a wall when reality hits me again. it punches me in the face. its an unbelievable pain i feel. no matter what, i miss makenzie. i wish she was still in my arms. i worry about tomorrow and if i will be able to even get up. i just want to lay here until she comes back to me - whenever that is.

her pictures are everywhere in our house, i haven't decided if they help or make things worse. its her pictures that make me crumble but there is no way i could take them down. i need them. i need to see her face every second.

here are some of the amazing pictures taken after she passed. its done by this volunteer organization called 'now i lay me down to sleep' i loved our photographer. she was simply wonderful.







24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kendra and Ryan you are so amazing. I sincerely admire your strength, selfless love, and unwavering faith. Makenzie has deeply touched my heart and reminded about what is really important in this life. Thank you for sharing your story. All of my thoughts and prayers are with you. -Nichole Taylor Parrish

Case Family Happenings said...

Kendra, your words are so beautiful. They are so full of love. You are a perfect mother. Thank you for sharing so much with us. I admire you in so many ways...you have no idea.
We love you and Ryan and Makenzie so much. Love, Annalee

Anonymous said...

She is beautiful!! She is in a much better place and you can see how peaceful she is! You will be in my prayers.
Alisha Lopez

Molly said...

you are such a wonderful parents.

those photos are wonderful.

Alerie said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Makenzie could not have been blessed with better parents. You and Ryan are amazing!! She is amazing!! Those pictures of her are one of the most beautiful things I have seen. She looks so peaceful. I am so glad someone told you about that organization, because they do such a good job. You will always treasure those pictures. My thoughts and prayers are still with you every day.

starnes family said...

Kendra and Ryan, be proud of yourselves. Your actions and strength show the love you have for each other and for your precious daughter.

When I see a balloon, I will think of Mackenzie and let one go for her. I know she'll catch it and giggle.

Stacey said...

Those pictures are absolutely beautiful. Again, my heart goes out to you and I'll keep praying for you as the days go on.

Diane Lewis said...

Sunshine, you and Ryan are so amazing! As much as my heart breaks and aches for you both, I am filled with so much respect, love, admiration, and am in awe at your strength, faith, and love. Thank you for sharing your precious Kenzie, for sharing yourselves. You are a blessing and an example of unconditional infinite pure love to us all. You are in my prayers always and if you need anything.....Diane

Devon said...

I know you made the right decision for her...or, as you said, she made the decision for you. You guys are never far from our thoughts. The pictures are beautiful. Thank you so much for your honesty.

Love and hugs to you guys. You are amazing parents.

FROGGITY! said...

she definitely is in a better place... i am so sorry you are in pain.

the pictures are beautiful, what a treasure. she looks like she's only sleeping. i know she's smiling at you from heaven...

TMI Tara said...

My prayer for you after you found out the diagnosis was that Makenzie would go naturally, so that you wouldn't have to make the decision. I am grateful that she was able to go without you having to make that call. I am grateful you felt the angels who were there to take her to heaven. I know that angels surround us always, but especially during times of death. I am grateful you were able to feel the peace they bring. I love you so much and think of you all the time.

The Garrett Family said...

Kendra - Reading your blog helps me feel close to you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are an amazing person and I admire your strength and faith. Makenzie is absolutely beautiful. I have never seen such a lovely baby. She is a blessed spirit and is loved by so many. You are loved as well. With time your hurt will mend, there will always be pain but it won't be as extreme. Take your time and lean on your family, friends, and the savior for comfort. Christ knows exactly how you feel - he knows what it is like to have a broken heart, and because of his atonement he knows how to sucker his children. Go to him he will give you comfort. Much love - Laurel

Anonymous said...

Kendra, thanks for being such an incredible Mom for Mckenzie, even more, thanks for being an icredible daughter for me. love mom

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

Kendra,

I think you and Ryan made a amazing selfless choice. And are what true parents are. Stephan and I look up to you guys. And one day when we are parents I hope that we can be even half of what you guys are. I honestly think that those pictures of Makenzie are the cutest picture of her, and you can tell that she is happy and in peace.

I wish we could have talked at the funeral, but by the time Stephan got off work cause (he works graves, and we have one car) we were late, we stayed for a little bit, but I felt bad we were there sence it was more for family sence we had just missed the viewing. I hope you know that were both here for you guys.

And I hope you find comfort in your angel we got you guys. Stephan gave me a angel statue after my miscarriage and told me to always know that we created a angel, that was watching over us. And I wanted to pass down to you guys the same thing.

Cause you guys created a angel that so many of us look up to be.
Thank you for keeping us all updating and creating a story of a angel, that in some way we all found comfort in.

Stephan and I would love to go to dinner sometime with Ryan and you when you guys feel up to it. Call me or text me! Love you guys!

Michelle said...

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Keep moving forward I have faith in you that you an do it. Makenzie wants you to also. Do all you can for her.

Esther said...

I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your blog posts. Reading your words helps me feel so many emotions. I feel such sorrow, and yet I know the heartache you feel is impossible to put into words. I can't imagine going through this.

Those are beautiful pictures. She looks like a precious newborn, so tiny and perfect!

Christine said...

She is so beautiful.

Thank you so much for writing about whats going on. Reading your blog inspires me and helps me be a better person and mom. You are so strong. God knew that you would give Kenzie all the love she needed in a lifetime in 4 short months. Not every mom and dad can do that. You are amazing!

Jenni said...

What incredible pictures! She looks so happy and peaceful. You and Ryan are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Emma said...

You are such incredible parents, always looking out for what was best for your daughter, even when that decision was devastatingly hard. The pictures you posted are amazing, the peace is so easily felt! That organization did pictures for my friends of their little SMA angel and they are just incredible too-what a gift to cherish for years to come. I can't imagine how difficult these days are for you but I hope each day there are moments of calm, moments of peace and momenst you just feel the love of Kenzie wrapping you in her arms-she is ALWAYS with you. The love of a daughter is forever! Although we have never met I feel so much for your family, and feel like Kenzie has taught me so much about making the most of each day, making the world a better place as she has and will continue to do through you and your story!
Love Em

chelsieaw said...

Your pictures are amazing, The NILMDTS organization is so great, they also took pictures of my beautiful girl when she had passed as well. I am glad you will forever have these special photos of your angel.

chelsieaw said...

Kendra and Ryan,

Again I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I too lost my daughter and then my husband and I wanted to share this with you. There is a place that is great for grievance that helped me and my boys alot. Its called the Sharing Place the number is 801-466-6730.
When you guys are ready please give them a call they are a great source and place to go to get some grievance counseling. Its nice to know that all your emotions and thoughts are perfectly normal for people who have had such a great loss to deal with. They helped me and my family and I hope they can help yours too.

With much love, Chelsie

Jennifer Gilbert Settle said...

i just found your blog & my heart hurts for you. i don't have any special healing words & will not pretend to. I will just say that I am praying for your family. thank you for sharing Kenzie with us. She is such a beautiful little girl. I just want to come through the screen & hug her as I'm sure you do too.

Lots of love & even more prayers,
Jen

Kaci said...

I know this is an old post, but I enjoyed reading it, since we share a little in common...(we too, had to make the decision, and watch our baby die in our arms) anyway, I'm glad you shared it and I appreciate your honesty and being open, it helps me know I'm not alone!

Mindee and Austin said...

Kendra I have read your blog quite a bit, but I havent read this post..and Im glad I did. You have to know what a strong, amazing person you are. I dont think I could ever do something like that and make it out alive. You are a special person, and Macenzie was extremely special..To be sent here only to go back to Heaven shortly. She must have had one purpose on this earth, and accomplished it with you and your husband. You are grear parents, and your next baby is so lucky to have you! I know its still hard sometimes..but from reading your posts, youve become stronger and stronger each time. I admire you and your courage to stay positive and strong. I bet Macenzie is very proud of you too : ) Thanks for sharing such personal stories, know that people are thinking of you guy.

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