Yesterday marked 8 years that Ryan and I have been married. Every year for the past 4 years its been celebrated but with a dark cloud. because 5 years ago was Makenzie's last day at home. Our last night with her in our arms not in a hospital room. She was so sick. but we had no idea how sick she was. We got family pictures done and went out to dinner 5 years ago. We had no idea what the next day would have in store for us let alone the next 27 days.
Today 5 years ago I had to work.
5 years ago I got a call that my baby was not okay and I really should take her in.
5 years ago I walked through the hospital trying to get from the emergency room entrance to where her pediatrician was. The memory of looking down at Makenzie in my arms. Her sick little body. Her looking at me. The thoughts of what is wrong running wild in my head. Trying to just help her. Of course getting lost walking unfamiliar halls. I will never forget.
5 years ago she was taken by ambulance.
5 years ago was the beginning of what would end up being the end.
This time of year more than any other time of year is hard.
Every single day I find myself in a deeper and deeper hole. No matter how good life is now. Its about what life was like then. and ultimately losing her. It always go back to that. Losing her.
I feel like the last 5 years have taught me a lot. I am no where near where I was 4 years ago. The hole is not near as deep throughout the year. but come November 17- its as if its the first year all over again. During the year its there but I can breath. I can sleep. I can smile and dance and play and I am happy. but that all seems to go away as its the countdown. The countdown for what? I don't know. These days leading up to the 13th are always much worse than the 13th. Every year its been like that.
Every year its the same. The usual talking myself out of the hurt or the silly thoughts don't work.
I hear it all the time. From others and from myself.
Every emotion or thought is justified with another answer.
"I am another year away from her"
----- 'You are another year closer to her'
"She needs to be with me"
----- 'She is with God in heaven and there is no place that is safer, more beautiful or happier'
"I need her"
----- 'She is always with you'
I get it... I really do. I know all the answers but it doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't make any of it okay. I understand I will be with her again. but goodness that's most likely a long way off.
and today its not about that. Its about right now. Its about living without her. Its about missing everything we should have had the last 5 years. Its about everyone who knew her missing out on her as well. I know what the big picture looks like but its okay to not always picture the big picture. Its okay to hurt. As much as I wish I didn't have this hurt and that she was here. I wouldn't want it to go away now that she is not. This hurt is a reminder. Its a real emotion. Its all I have left of her.
Today was slightly less hard than the past November 17th's because my
Mother in Law text me these pictures....
These might not seem all that special but they are NEW.
They are NEW pictures I have never seen of her.
Years ago I accepted that I had seen every picture there was to see of her.
That there will not be anymore new pictures.
That part of her story is done and I have her entire life in 5 folders of pictures.
but today... on a day I laid in bed a little longer than normal... on a day I said an extra long prayer to let me be patient and a good Mum because I know when this pain comes for some reason I am more short and less attentive to Tracker and that's the exact opposite that I want to be for Kenzie's brother.
So today I saw 6 new pictures. and they are helping. They are helping me just remember her. The good and the hard. The happiest and saddest. and that helps.
It helped get me out of bed because all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and not come out. It helped me have more energy than I thought I would have to read a few more books to Tracker this morning and not snap when he decided to throw his breakfast on the floor.
These pictures will help me for a while.