big girl

I cant get over how fast Makenzie is growing. She is getting so good at holding her head up during tummy time or anytime we are holding her. She is the sweetest girl-

I could just kiss her little face off.

it wont bring her down

Don't think a little surgery will bring down my baby full of joy.
She smiled and flirted with every doctor and nurse the whole time we were at Primarys.
After we got her home, this is how she was still.
** Well as long as I was holding her and not giving her medicine **

I'm so in love.

Ryan is so in love.

We are soooo blessed!

surgery

It has been a week full of anxiety, fear, love and unbelievable amounts of prayer.

Little Kenzie has had a rough ride her first few months of life.

I mentioned in my last post her difficulty breathing and it has been very difficult for her. She was constantly gasping for air. After her surgery they said when she would breath the little flaps of skin attached to her vocal cords would completely cover her air way, on top of that her vocal cords were a little large and would cover that layer of skin over her airway as well so she was having double trouble trying to breath. She also has very bad reflux which causes her to have upset tummy's and have a hard time eating. She ALSO is prone to have large air bubbles in her tummy which makes her very uncomfortable and in pain.

MY oh MY... My poor baby...

Whats so hard is we knew she had these problems, her doctors knew she had these problems yet we kept hearing she will grow out of it. They didn't really see the severity of it until last week. Her problems are pretty common with children/babies. They have these issues but are still able to breath and function fine and soon outgrow it. For Makenzie, she couldn't. She wasn't able to gain weight, she had no energy and it was getting worse almost by the day.

On Friday morning we were scheduled for surgery at 10:45 am. We arrived early and were greeted by Ryan's mom Becky (to my surprise she came up to sit with us while Kenzie was in surgery) We waited around for a while, watching the other babies who were getting ready to go back, singing and loving on Kenzie and praying harder than we have ever prayed.

Makenzie didn't go back until 11:45 am. Her nurse came and got Ryan and I, walked us back to the big double doors and said she was going to take Makenzie now and we should go into the waiting room. We gave her tons of kisses and handed our baby over to her nurse. I was a mess on the inside but luckily Becky was there to distract our thoughts and kept us talking about things other than Makenzie. 45 min. later her doctor came out to tell us everything went great. He showed us pictures of her throat and said she did have a very bad case of Laryngomalacia and they think this will really help her. He said Kenzie was waking up from the anesthesia pretty well and one parent could go in. I pretty much ran down the hall! Dr. ENT was amazing, he was so sweet to me even though I was a mess and couldn't stop thanking him for taking good care of my baby. I went into a busy room filled with baby beds and crying babies. Each bed was occupied with a child just waking up from surgery with Mothers or Fathers running to their side. Makenzie was the smallest one in that room by far. Her nurse let me pick her up and gave me a rocking chair to hold her in. She was still very much out of it but her eyes were open. One of the first things I noticed was the red line she had down the side of her face where the breathing tube was. She kept trying to cry but no noise would come out. They gave her some strong medication to help with the pain. During the next half hour they were trying to control her oxygen levels. I sat there and held a little oxygen mask to her face and tried to get her to drink sugar water. After they got her a room we headed up there. I just held her the whole time. Kissing her face.

We got into her room and Ryan and his Mom were finally able to come see her. We tried to get her to drink some pedialyte but she didn't want any of it. She was in and out of sleeping and we consistently stared at the heart/oxygen monitor making sure she was okay. They old me when her hear rate is up, that means she is in pain so you better believe I was on them like glue at the slightest sign her heart rate was going up so she wouldn't feel any pain.

Ryan had to go to work for a few hours so he left me and his Mom to love on Makenzie. Ryan's Aunt Carma who lives in St. George came up for the weekend and stopped by to see Kenzie to. They were both so amazing to stay with me and love on her. We talked for a while before they had to go. Makenzie finally drank some warm formula which prob. felt nice on her throat. She slept in my arms for a while before my Mom came. She tried to hold Makenzie but Kenzie only wanted her Mom. She tried to cry but sounded like a wounded kitten. It was so sad. After I got her back I tried to calm her down but she was so upset. I called the nurse in because she started turning blue and was acting like she couldn't breath. I looked at the monitor and her oxygen levels were in the 30's. They should be above 90. I was trying to stay calm but holding my blue baby was one of the worst feelings in the world. A few nurses rushed in. They cranked up her oxygen mask, put oxygen in her nose and just tried to help me any way possible. Her levels finally came back up.

I then wouldn't let anyone else hold her for fear she would get upset again. They ordered a chest xray to make sure there was nothing else going on. I again wouldn't let anyone else hold her so I carried her down to xray and the only time I didn't hold her was the few seconds they took pictures of her.

This is what they saw-- For those like me that really don't know what the heck is normal or not in an xray this is not. Do you see the darker circle oval thing in the right side of her body. Its taking up pretty much her whole bottom half. Well that's an air bubble. That HUGE thing that is covering her body. Its so big its squishing her lungs which are on the other side.

3 nurses came into her room after the xrays came through to "suck" her air bubble out. They shoved a large tube down her throat into her tummy that had a suction on it. You can only imagine how upset Makenzie was. I had to hold her down while they put that thing her mouth. She tried so hard to cry but she is still in pain so nothing really comes out but a little squeak. They thought they got it so they stopped after a few trys. I have to say- PURE TRAUMA for Mama... I will never get that image out of my mind.

That night Kenzies Aunt Brooke came to visit and Dad finally got back to the hospital. We both stayed there that night with her. They were going to slowly try to get her off the oxygen but every time they would turn it down her levels would drop. She couldn't get air on her own. I stayed up that night holding her, trying to keep her comfy. I tried to feed her every hour to try and get something down her tummy. The next morning the nurses came to tell me she probably wouldn't be able to go home but the doctors would come talk to us. We waited and waited. Anytime I would put Makenzie down she would cry. Even when Ryan would hold her. At this point I was surviving on Dr. Pepper so I was needing to go potty alot. I would hold it until I almost wet my pants and run to the bathroom and run back. Of course then needing to calm my baby down. Her doc. decided they wanted her to stay another night and they moved us into a more permanent room since they didn't know for how long. I have to admit it was heaven, There was a window and a bathroom right inside the room! Hello :) Simple pleasures....

The nurses were all amazing. They took great care of us. On Saturday afternoon I meet with a Pulmonary doctor who examined Kenzies xrays and gave us his opinion. He said the reason she cant get off the oxygen right now is because her throat is so swollen from surgery. He suggested she get a steroid shot. Later that day she got her shot which was slowly injected into her IV over a 30 min period. Kenzie Hated this. I couldn't hold her and she could feel the cold going in her.

Starting at 10 pm they slowly turned the oxygen down to try and get her off it. Through the night anytime they turned it down her levels dropped so they turned it back up. Thankfully at 4 am. she was doing so well they turned the oxygen off and she kept her levels up. YEAH!!!!

She was like pinocchio... I kept singing - 'you've got no strings to hold you down'....

They did another chest xray that morning to see how her air bubble was doing.

Still there but her doctor said that she is just prone to having large air bubbles and we need to keep her on mylicon and do everything we can to burp her as often as possible.

Since she was doing so good off the oxygen Makenzie was told she could go home on Sunday morning!!!

We have to keep a close eye on her. She cant really let her cry right now because she tends to hold her breath. She sleeps in our room right next to the bed so I can check on her through the night and can listen to her breath.
She still has reflux and will continue on those medications. With this one problem fixed we are all hopping the rest will get better with time. I will meet with a diet specialist in the next 2 weeks to help me get Kenzie to start packing on some serious pounds.
So far everyday its getting better. Kenzie is eating more and more and her breathing seems to get better as well.


I cant explain how these last few days have changed me. I was changed the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was changed the minute I saw my daughter for the first time, I have been changing every day with her and I changed going through this. I cant explain the feeling you have when your laying next to your sick baby in the hospital. I know some people out there (mainly one family I have thought about quite a bit over the last few days) goes through this more than I could imagine. I know they are like I was this last weekend, over the moon when my baby did something that most don't even think about and that's breath. I am amazed by this family. I have cried several times in the last few days for this family.

My Makenzie is my world. She is my reason. Life continues to change with her in my life. She is helping me grow, become a better person, learn, experience, dream.

Thank you to everyone for your well wises, calls, texts, visits. I realize more than ever how blessed I am. My family, friends, co workers who are like family, strangers, nurses, doctors... You have given me strength, love and comfort. Thank you for loving my baby and thank you for thinking of us!

** Im sure I have left some things out so if you have questions ask and Ill answer them.

pray

when im stressed, scared, afraid, mad i like to write. i have all those emotions x 10.
makenzie has not been getting better since her last trip to the er. she has actually been getting worse. i have kept in contact with her nurse and we have tried different medications along with changing other habits like propping up her bed so she sleeps on an angle, trying to get her to drink slowly. nothing is working... i finally made an apt. with her pediatrician- that was yesterday. she knew as soon as she walked in the door something is not right. she kept telling me she didn't like how things looked, she was nervous. she told me she wanted to admit makenzie right then but didn't know where- she said she though of just doing i there (imc hospital) or sending me up to primary children's. she hooked kenz up to some oxygen monitors to observe her for about an hour. she came back in and said she doesn't want to admit us because we would be sitting in the er all day. the ent (ear, nose throat) doc was totally packed all day so we would be waiting until 4 ish to see him anyway. we scheduled a meeting with him after hours because kenz needed to be seen today. on our way up to primary children's to see dr. ent i got a call. it was a very sweet young girl asking to get all of makenzies health information for her surgery tomorrow. umm... no one told me she was going to have surgery.... of course i had a little panic session in the car- good thing ryan was driving! i still gave her all kenzies info knowing we would hear exactly what they were planning to do with our baby in a few minutes with dr. ent.
we didn't wait long but it was long for me... sitting there thinking why she is going to need surgery. dr. ent and his helper resident came in the room. he was the same ent that saw kenzie at primarys when we were there at the beginning of the month. he sat down with us for a full hour explaining everything that was going on, what will happen and answering every question we had. he was awesome. he made me feel very calm about everything. then came the sad part- i had to hold makenzie down while they stuck a tube the size of a pencil up her nose and down her throat. it was a camera so they could see whats going on down there.
she has a very bad case of laryngomalacia as well as reflux.
whats been going on:
-squeaks when she breathes, she is very loud
-her chest protrudes when she breathes. it rises and sinks like she is gasping for air all the time
-she has been having blue spells which means she cant get a breath
-she is not gaining weight. she weighs 9.8... at 2 months she weighed 9.5
-she isn't eating much, usually 1-2 oz. a feeding
-she is tired alllll the time.
-arches her back in pain
-burps very loud adult burps that shake her body
-throws up mucus, not milk. its very slimy...
-crys after feeding
i know you look at this list and think, why the hell didnt you take her to the er everyday? well my answer- she has had many of this since she was born, i was assured on many occasions its due to reflux or her laryngomalacia. they would tell me she will grow out of it.. i took her to the er and they kept her overnight. couldn't find anything and said to just watch it. i have been in touch with her doc. and they tried to treat it with medication. it slowly got worse, not all the sudden so it was harder for me to see since I'm with her all the time. i cant tell you how many times i cried not sure what to do....
i couldn't sleep last night. i kept thinking about what might happen. i kept praying for her. i cant imagine something going wrong. i just want her to come home with me.
this morning we will be checking in at primary childrens.
kenzie will be put under and they will take her away.
they are going to cut the skin around her vocal cords off.
(they think that skin is closing over her air way causing her not to be able to breath)
they will also go down her throat to see if she has a narrow airway - we are praying she doesn't because if that's the case there will be many many more problems.
if all goes well she should be done within an hour.
we are already scheduled to stay overnight at least one night. we will see how it goes.
I'm scared to death... i sit here with my baby who is helping me write this as we speak. she keeps talking to me and smiling. she is so amazing.
she couldn't eat anymore after midnight last night but she could have pedialite this morning.
wow... a new taste. she couldn't decide if she liked it or not. she would make a funny face then eat, funny face then eat. until her bottle was gone :)
she is to cute. i love her. she is my world.
ill keep praying- please pray for her.
ill update as soon as possible.

yeah she is awesome....

My 3.5 month baby holds her own bottle. I took a few pics and quickly scolded her for growing up and held her bottle myself. She is NOT allowed to become a big girl yet!

joy

(I put this pic on here just because I liked it, has nothing to do with my post)

This morning I woke up, started getting ready and I had this really weird feeling to go over and just hug Ryan. Normally I didn't think anything of it because we always show each other love but I just felt I had to do it NOW. I gave him a hug and I couldn't let go. As I stood there hugging him I realized how long its been since I just hugged him. Held onto him and took in how much love I have for him.
Since Makenzie came along I didn't realize how much we put ourselves into her. When we walk in the door its a quick hug and kiss to each other before we run to her. When we go about our day its centered around caring for her. When we go to bed at night its revolved around getting her down and running to bed to get as much sleep as possible before we have to get up in a few hours. I just stood there this morning and to my surprise Ryan didn't say okay that's enough like he used to when I held on for to long he just stood there and held me back. I broke down and just thanked him for being here, for being Makenzies Dad and for stepping up to love her unconditionally. It may sound weird that I am thanking him for being a Dad (his job right) but its more than that for me. I have always believed we are given the trials in our life for a reason, we are meant to go through what we go through because we need to. There were times I have not been able to understand why life has lead me down the path it has. When I'm having a debbie downer moment I try to snap out of it and realize that I do have a good life and it could be worse but in some moments its harder for me to come out of that questioning life moment.
Since Makenzie was born I felt it was my responsibility to give her all the unconditional love possible and no matter what I was going to make SURE Ryan did to. No matter what he WOULD hold her for so long, he WOULD kiss her so many times, he WOULD look at her when he was holding her... I wouldn't let him do what he wanted or thought was best. I guess I figured he wouldn't know how and you better believe my daughter WOULD have her Daddy.
I cant count how many times I wished my Dad would have been a Dad. I wish he would have loved me and my family. I wish so badly I could have had a Dad who was there not to hurt us but to protect us form being hurt. But like I said its reality and in my world that was not suppose to be in the cards.
Maybe it was because when I was hold onto Ryan this morning I couldn't explain how much joy and happiness I felt when I realized our Makenzie will have that in her life. She will be able to know unconditional love and she will be able to have a Dad who is HER Dad. I don't have to force Ryan, he is completely in love with her on his own. I think I would have taken for granted Ryan's love for Makenzie if my life was another way.

Happy Birthday - BEN!!!

(This is a pic of my brother after he was talking smack and I gave him a piece of my mind... we don't like to talk about it though)

Although its Nov 3rd in SLC UT...
Its almost Nov 4th in Seoul Korea....
Half way around the world is my incredible brother Ben and he is celebrating his birthday!

Happy Birthday TO you Happy Birthday TO you Happy Birthday To BENN... Happy Birthday to You...
Boy Oh Boy do I miss you Brother. I think about you on a daily basis and pray for you and your beautiful family. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You have taught me so much and continue to be my example. You work harder than anyone I have ever known and never complain. You are and forever will be my Hero.

Here is a little note from your newest niece.

_UNCLE BEN_
I'm so very excited to meet you in less than a year now. My Mom talks about you on a daily basis and we sing this song that teaches me about you and my cousins. I get so excited when I see your pictures that are in my room. I smile so big and sometimes I let out a squeal. I am still a bit upset with my Mom for not taking me to Korea for Christmas- that's really all I wanted but she has promised me a trip next summer to wherever you might be. She even said we would stay a few weeks! I sure hope you have an amazing birthday and you do something just for you. From what my Mom says your the most giving person in the world and I hope you take one day for you. I love you so very much!
Give my cousins a kiss from me- It needs to be a slobbery one though :)
Love Makenzie Rye...



Yeah he is that big! hehe, he is in front of a regular size truck in Korea



His beautiful Family...
Ben, Donna, Bitna, Mina, Yuna and Myunglim

Nail Update

No need to stay away from our house to long family and friends.... I think we are safe from the birdy flu. No more fevers and other than the occasional hack we are GOOD!
After my TRAUMATIZED post, I decided being a Mom means being brave so I decided to just bite the bullet and trim those darn nails my daughter has been growing.
She must have remembered the last time Mom tried to make her fingerless because she sat there super still and just stared at the nail clippers in horror. I got every last finger done!
By the time I finished I had to take a shower from all the sweat. I was a wreck! It all ended good.

Our New Addition!

I realized I have yet to update my blog with the new addition to our family!!!!

I'm proud to say we have a bouncy, beautiful, 27 year old girl!

My sister Jill has moved into our basement for a while. We couldn't be happier. She is working like a crazy person with 2 jobs and going to school. She is soo awesome!
We cleaned out our basement to give her all the space but it didn't come easy. I have yet to understand why we accumulate so much CRAP! After a few trips to the DI only selling 1 thing on KSL and TONS of loads to the dumpster we were able to get it all ready for her. After she moved in she immediately started painting and making it her own. I have to admit I'm a bit jealous. Mainly because she picked out a beautiful purple color that looks so elegant and fancy and because she painted it in what seemed like 20 min. I promised Ryan I wouldn't paint another room in this house. Since we moved in 2.5 years ago I have painted my kitchen 3 different times, my hall/ stairs 2 times and my front room 4 times! YES I'm CRAZY. I cant make up my mind what I like. We are both done painting but her room looks awesome.

Although she works all day, goes to school all night I love so much having her with us. Jill is such a great person and I'm so lucky to have her as my sister!
For those who knew us growing up... You may be shocked to see we are living together by choice. We always butted head and never really got along. I was her annoying little sister who only wanted to do and be everywhere she was. We laugh about all the things we used to do to each other.
AHH the stories.
I remember a time when she was babysitting me, she got so annoyed she sat on me holding my arms down and tapped on my forehead with her fingers (you know that dumb game where you say "name 10 candy bars" or something like that)
There was also a time I was pissed at her for something so I stole her money and danced on it, ripping it into little pieces! Yes- I DANCED on her money. I'm a dork!
We had some sad, scary, horrible times together growing up but we have always stuck together and we are closer than ever now.
OH JIlly I sure love you!

TRAUMATIZED

poor little girl.
I'm looking at you right now and you have some seriously long finger nails, I have yet to bring myself to cut your nails again due to the fact I'm still traumatized because of this...



please... please...
lets not judge.
I want to crawl under a bus just thinking about this horrible event that took place in the webster house. just hear my side of the story-
it was a cold and rainy night in October... he he...
so it really was a night in October and i was doing my weekly trimming of ms. makenzies nails.
I am always soooo cautious about trimming them because of her tiny little fingers.
Well on this horrible night she was extra fussy. I decided to just wait until she was sound asleep and trim them then. She dozzed off and I started clipping her fingers (oops) nails...
I got one hand done and was starting on the other when she must have had a bad dream because she jerked causing me to snip the very tip top of my precious little girls perfect fingers.
AHHHH....
I frantically looked at her finger sure that I just cut the top of her finger off!
I was thinking did I just kill my child because she wasn't crying... well until...
I saw the one slight red mark that I am assuming was blood and I started crying.
Makenzie decided I didn't feel bad enough and started wailing. Not a small little cry but a full on scream and I'm pretty sure she hit me at one point. Of course I started crying more.
Ryan ran to get her a band aid and once we put in on her she was fine and stopped crying.
I promised her I wouldn't attempt to do that again and we would be making a mani pedi apt and leave it to the pros.
Umm.. Did you know those salons don't cut a newborns nails for you?
trust me- I have looked into it.

Happy Halloween!

Makenzie it was your first Halloween. You are still so ity bity so I couldn't find a costume that even fit you a little bit. I decided to make you one myself. That was even a bit hard because I'm not that creative. I decided you would be a punk rocker! Oh boy did you look cute. I took several pictures of you in your costume but they all deleted when uploaded them onto the computer. Ill put you back in it to take more pics but until then I just want you to know I did care about your first Halloween and I tried to make it a great one for you.

The day before Halloween we had our annual Halloween party. It turns out better and better every year. We had a full house full of our very best friends and family. You were the best part of the party for everyone. We couldn't get enough of you. Although you had a great time partying you were ready for bed by 9:00 pm.

On Halloween day Mom and Dad took you to your very first REAL game. They made it to the playoffs and it was their first game. THEY WON! We all cheered oh so loud but you slept right though it all. I brought a duffel bag full of blankets and snow suits thinking it would be chilly but it was pretty warm- perfect weather. We hurried home so you could see the trick or treaters. Every year we only get a very small hand full of kids and this year was no different. I only answered the door 3 times. You had fun looking at all the funny kids in funny costumes.

After you went to bed Mom and Dad watched 'The Orphan'. It was a pretty good Halloween movie.

We woke up Sunday morning to 3 sick people in the house. You, Mommy and Daddy all have a horrible cough, runny nose and slight fever. I'm super worried about you being so small and getting the piggy flu so I have taken extra precautions to wash hands every other second, have hand sanitizers through the house, sanitize your binky every time it comes out of your mouth and the worst part - not kissing your scrum-diddly-ump-shous face :(

I have had to resort to kissing every other inch of your body.

You are starting to feel better and so are your parents.

I hope you had a wonderful Halloween!

Gma Diane's Halloween Party

my mom is so fun with all her grand kids. she loves to plan fun activities to get us all together.
i was so excited when makenzie got to go to her first grandma Diane Halloween party.
she does the funnest things like games, food that is suppose to look and feel like something else (ex. brain = ramen noddles, bones = hot dogs, pickles = witches nose)
the kids all have so much fun every year. esp because she gives out yummy bags of candy!



From left to right:
Teagan = cat
Kailum = Didn't dress up but he will be a dead rocker
Kian = Vampire
Tyler = Football player
Lucy = Utah Cheerleader
Ellie = Utah Cheerleader
Kenzie = Punk Rocker
Amalie = Fairy
Aidan = Ghost
Hannah = Princess
Back:
Anna = BYU Cheerleader
Olivia = Devil
Devlin = Didn't dress up but he is going to be crazy joker

After all our games and food the kids started playing around and doing tricks on the floor. Miss Olivia can do splits in every way (both sides and in the middle) and she can touch her toes to the back of her head. All the other kids tried and tried to do it but NOPE... No one else is that flexible.

We had so much fun. Everyone is so cute together and gets along soooo well! I cant wait until Makenzie can run around and play all the games with them.

pumpkins -

we love pumpkins!
For family night this month we went to a pumpkin patch and a hay ride with Ryans family.
We got there just in time for the last hayride on the last day of the season!
WOW- it was our lucky day.
Although it was dark and cold we had a BLAST!

We pulled up to the pumpkin patch and the driver said- Its a free for all because its the last night. WHOOO HOOOO!
We took off running like a bunch of kids.
I had Makenzie strapped to my chest so it was hard to run in pitch black, in a pumpkin patch, tripping over giant pumpkins but I did it just for the effect.
Ryan grabbed one, then another than another. I would find them and stand next to them while he dropped them off at the waggon. We got a total of 6 pumpkins just for Ryan, Kenz and I. Everyone else got a ton as well.
We headed back to the cars for some cold pizza and bread sticks...
(we didn't get to eat before because we were literally running to buy our tickets before they closed)

**After we got to our warm home we decided to them get some cute pics of our little pumpkin by the big pumpkins!**

We couldn't leave Harley out so here she is with her pumpkin...

what we do on a saturday.

Can she stare any harder?

Guess what she is looking at....

Nope its not Mom doing a funny dance...

Its not Harley running all over the house...

Its not Dad running into something and falling...

She is looking at the same thing these guys are looking at.

Have you guessed it yet?

GO UTES!!!!

random post about kenzie

This girl is so funny.

She likes to fart - then smile

She will only poop if I take off her diaper, she will stop if I hurry and put it back on then start pooping again once I take it back off.

She has only laughed for me when I blew my tongue at her and she only laughed for Dad when he whacked his shin on the ottoman and fell over in pain.

She is still a skinny little bean but she is stretching out at a very fast rate. Her pants are all carpi's.

She will scream and scream in her car seat but will stop when we get on the freeway.

She loves when I kiss her, She will smile and smile.

When she gets her feelings hurt she will stick out her lip so far I could dance on it.

She loves to talk. Ryan and I are worried she will one day never be quite.
Her eyes are starting to get some green in them.