A Good Grief Benefit Concert

I started connecting with THIS blog shortly after Makenize passed away. Molly is an amazing Mum and an amazing writer. She has written her journey through grief and has done some amazing things to help others who are in similar situations. She has started a foundation called A Good Grief which raises money to pay for children's headstones that have passed.
Something no parent should ever have to think about. Something they should never have to pick out. Pay for or Worry about but unfortunately to many have.
The Jackson's have done some amazing things and helped some very deserving families. Molly is such an inspiration. I wanted to pass on some information for a great benefit she is having next week. If anyone can go I promise you wont be disappointed. This is the second year she has done a benefit concert and all money goes to her foundation. 

A Good Grief Foundation is hosting its second annual benefit concert. All proceeds go directly to headstones for children who have passed on. Join us for an evening of incredible entertainment with some of Utah's top performers.

Evening will include a memorial tribute to honor local families who have lost children this year, including the PACK FAMILY, who was hit by a drunk driver Christmas Eve.

Come support this wonderful cause and be thoroughly entertained!

Performers include:

•Charlie Jenkins--Country Sensation! (www.charleyjenkins.com)

•Jessie Clark Funk --Broadway:Footloose (jessiefunk.com)

•Angela Jeffries (hottest voice in Utah Musical Theatre!)

•Kyle Olsen (a voice you'll simply swoon over)

•Lea Cabrera--Broadway: Footloose, Finalist on American Idol

And other OUTSTANDING voices.

I hope many of you can go. Ryan and I will be there.

If you don't live close or cant make it but would like to make a donation please go to

her website for more information.

 

Cookbooks!

These cookbooks were started in August 2011. Ryan and I knew we were going to need some help with how our family grew and at the time we just were not sure how we would go about doing it. Adoption was the first thing that came to mind. We started in on the process, started classes and about a month into it we felt like that just wasn't the right thing for us to do right at that time. During that process however we had already started the... Live, Laugh, Cook... cookbooks. We asked everyone that could to please submit a recipe. We got over 600 recipes submitted from all over the world. Most came from all areas in the US but it is just amazing to see all the amazing dishes and different ways to make them. All the amazing people that submitted a recipe are mostly people we have never even met. They are our friends through this blog.

After we decided adoption wasn't the right path right now we started looking into a sperm donor. I was more apprehensive than Ryan which was a total shock not only for me but for a lot of people. It didn't take to long before we both just knew this was the right path for us and we should continue down it.

After a lot of research and going through hundreds of donors we finally found the perfect one.

We started the IUI process and the first 2 rounds didn't work.

But lucky #3 did.

We were implanted December 27th 2011

Found out we were pregnant January 8th 2012

Baby is due September 20th 2012

Through this whole process we have still been diligently selling these cookbooks. I have to tell you these medical costs are not cheap but they sure are worth it. These cookbooks are just a way to help. The amount of support has been overwhelming and we are forever grateful to all who have purchased one and for all who might in the future. Not only does the sales of these cookbooks help us- they are pretty amazing and you will love them so much.

600+ recipes.

Tons of different cooking tips.

We are always trying new recipes in our house and I'm telling you they are all so yummy!

If you are interested in ordering a cookbook you can place your order to the right side of my blog. There is a link that takes you to Pay pal. They are $20 each which includes shipping but if you buy more you can save. We have tracking numbers on all the orders so if you don't have your order within 3 weeks make sure you email me so I can either track it down for you or send you a new one.

Thank you all so so much again for all the endless support!

Have a wonderful day!

13 Weeks

How far along? 13 Weeks-- last week of the first Trimester!

Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Sleeping fine other than needing to pee every hour :)
Miss Anything? Having the desire to do everyday things. All I want to do is lay around.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Craving nothing but when I want something--- I want it NOW. and its usually the very thing we don't currently have in the house. Doesn't it always happen that way? Don't worry I don't make Ryan run out and get it. I suffer through my moment of craving and move onto something else.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Hallelujah this week has actually been the best week yet! I have been a little sick at night but not bad at all. Its been like a vacation. But I still don't have the desire/energy to do anything productive.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL
Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Tired, No energy = Lazy :) and can anyone help me with the bloated thing? What is some kind of natural thing to ease that? I could eat a peach and get bloated. Everything makes me bloat and that my friends is so uncomfortable/painful/totally unsexy!
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: When it comes to this baby. I am very happy. When it comes to anything else in life. Oh I'm a mess. Ryan and I have had so many things going on lately and so many decisions to make and we are just about maxed at the overload department. My mind is always racing we are always on the edge of our chair. Man alive its been a rough one. I just hope things start to fall into place soon.
Looking forward to: Having the desire to start running again. I work or I clean and that's all that I can get done in my days. Nothing more. So I am anxious to start doing something good for my body again.


So how do you all decide on big decisions? Pray? I have been doing hours of that. Literally hours and hours a day. I am trying to get a feeling of what to do but everyday it seems I flip flop. I go from feeling good about something to feeling sick to my stomach about that same thing. We are trying to rent out our condo since trying to sell has been no luck but we have yet to find any renters. Do you know anyone? Its a great neighborhood! We are trying to get debt paid off... AHH I know I hate that word as well. That can cause mass amounts of ulcers right there! We are trying to figure out school. Should Ryan go. Should I go. Should we both go?? What about work. Working now... Working after the baby comes... What happens after the baby comes... Then there is my depression and anxiety. Oh they are on a giant roller coaster lately. I have been working on my meds to get things in control but right now they are a little crazy. That doesn't ever help anything. and to top it off-- I am bloated like all the time! Seriously.
Okay I'm going to go cry into my pillow and eat some girl scout cookies to feel better.
Any advice would be welcome :)

11 Things

I have been tagged...
I am not so good when I get tagged because well--- I usually forget. Sorry. So if you happen to tag me. Send me a note. Maybe a couple times. Just so I don't forget :)
But here it is. I am doing it. Thanks for the note Robin.

Game Rules:

1. post these rules.
2. post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
3. answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them

5. go to their blog/twitter and tell them you've tagged them

11 facts about me.

1. I hate the crust of anything and I refuse to eat it.

2. I am not a huge fan of reading. I try to get into it. I have bought several books that come highly recommended but I just cant get into any of them. I will read and make myself read and read some more but Its rare if I ever finish the book. I usually get to the last chapter and never finish. Weird right?!

3. I wish I was better at crafts, baking and sewing. I don't have the patience for any. Ill do it but I end up getting frustrated and just want to get it done fast. I don't like learning. I just want to know it.

4. I don't have a dream car. I have cars that I would love-- A Jeep Wrangler-- along with about 5 others but I cant imagine not driving my beater 2001 honda accord. That thing has been with me for years and even if I had the money today to get a new car I cant see doing it until my honda totally dies.

5. If this baby is a boy. I have an obsession with making him a mini cowboy/lumberjack. All clothes I pick out fall in this style. Seriously its so not me and so Ryan. What am I thinking? Totally enabling his WT love.

6. I have spent a good 2+ hours just driving around looking for girl scout cookies last week. Never found them. Until I was least expecting it on Saturday. I ran across the parking lot tossing women and children out of the way in order to get 7 boxes of goodness!

7. My least favorite chore in the house is dishes and laundry. but I love vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom.

8. I am extremely anal when it comes to planning. I have to have everything from what our life will be like in 5 years to what we will be eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next month written out. If anything goes of the plan- I have a bit of a panic attack. ie. Last night tuna nuna was on the dinner menu and we were out of noodles. I almost stop breathing when Ryan said he was making chicken instead and we would just eat tuna nuna on Thursday. I have a serious problem. and my life. So far. has not followed my plans. You think I would have learned by now?

9. I am wanting to go swimming more than ever right now but my swim suit doesn't fit. The "ladies" have grown a full cup size already and there is no way I'm buying a new swim suit for this chubbiness. I cant imagine putting this in anything but jeans, sweat shirt or a mumu.

10. I love police/law enforcement shows... Law and Order, CSI, The first 48, K9 Cops. Fascinating.

11. I talk to myself in the car. I have a full on conversation or even argument out loud.

11 Questions for me.

1. What animal most resembles you and why?
Probably my Dog Harley. Because we both have sever anxiety and just want to lay around all the time.
2. If you could wish one thing for me what would it be and why?
For Robin- I wish you forever happiness. You have always been one to deserve it.
3. What's your favorite memory about your childhood?
I loved having a big family. I loved seeing everyone. I loved being around them. I loved being one of the youngest even though all I ever wanted to do was be as grown up as everyone.

4. What is your favorite thing to do?
Hanging out with my BFF. The hubs. I love going on walks or hikes or anything outside when the weather is warm.
5. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Oh heaven help me. I have no idea. I am still wanting to go into sociology with some kind of study in disabilities as well but I have no idea what I want to do with it. I want to help but that's as much as I know. As for right now my focus is being a Mom. Seriously my dream job and I am just counting the days until Its a reality again.
6. If money wasn't an issue where would your dream vacation be?
Any place tropical. Totally unique. Secluded. Where I can swim nude in the ocean :) always a secret dream.
7. Heels or flats?
Flats. My most favorite pair of Flip Flops!

8. What is your favorite smell?
Juicy Couture for me and Clinique Happy Men for Ryan.

9. What is your favorite flower?
Gerber Daisy
10. One of your biggest regrets?
Rudeness. I seriously want to slap myself every time I remember a time I was rude. I really hate that I ever put that into the world. If I have ever been rude to you- I honestly am so sorry.
11. Do you dream in black and white or color?
Color.

11 Questions for Brigette R. Allie A. Cindy M. Jessica I.
1. Who is your favorite Celebrity?
2. What is your favorite Disney Movie?
3. What was your best vacation?
4. If money was no issue what is the first thing you would purchase?
5. When was your first ever date? How did it go? How old were you?
6. What is one rule you never thought you would have with your kids but you now have it?
ie: no eating in front of the tv?
7. If you could only eat 1 thing for the next year what would that be?
8. Have you ever wished for a different name?
9. Name 3 things on your bucket list?
10. If you had an extra hour in the day what would you do with it?
11. What was your favorite TGIF show?

12 Weeks

How far along? 12 Weeks
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Trying to get comfy has become a little harder this week.  I am a tummy sleeper and its starting to hurt laying on my tummy.
Miss Anything? Planning a meal. I cant plan ahead more than what I'm eating in that moment. It never fails that if I do try to plan that's the only thing that makes me want to puke when it comes time to eating it.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Cereal in the morning and PB&J for lunch. But again if I plan ahead and make myself a sandwich for work- once I'm there that sandwich makes me want to puke. Weird. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: That changes from moment to moment but right now what always makes me want to run to the bathroom is the thought of Chick-fil-a... I was violently ill after eating that a couple weeks ago and I have never fully recovered.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL 
              Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Its funny because with Kenzie I didn't really have many symptoms but with this one, I am like a pregnancy book- everything that could happen is happening. So yes. All the same- sick, tired, uncomfortable, boobs hurt, gas pain, bowl changes, no energy... Doesn't pregnancy sound sexy?
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: You know after starting my little thing where I wake up everyday and tell myself I will be happy and have a good day has really made a difference. Even when I'm sick. No matter the random symptom. No matter if I fart in public. I am happy. I am happy to be where I am and I am happy for what is to come.
Looking forward to: Almost done with the 1st trimester!!!




This week I passed the 200 day mark. We are under 200 days until this baby comes into this world. I cant even explain how excited I am. We have been trying to figure out what day to go to a place called fetal foto and find out the sex of the baby. They can tell around week 15 what you are going to have. We went with Kenzie at 16 weeks and it was actually really cool. They put the baby on a big screen in front of you and spend a good amount of time letting you watch the baby move all over and hear the heart beat.  We are so excited to go again with this baby but we are having trouble knowing when to go.  We want both our parents there and we want to have a gender reveal party after. So trying to get every ones schedules lined up has been a little hard. But we are thinking the first week of April. So not this month but that's okay. 
As for taking some medicine for my nausea my doctor said he wanted to hold off since its not so bad that its effecting my weight gain. I am able to keep enough down that this baby is definitely growing. I have been taking some Bvitamin and some unisom but I don't think that's helping. I have also had to have most of my other meds changed so I am figuring out when the best time to take those is and as of this last week I think its at night time. Seems to be helping some.  I am on medication for my thyroid which is all messed up as well as for my depression and anxiety.  The stuff I was on pre-pregnancy isn't good for the baby after the 3 trimester so they switched me now which is the same as with Kenzie. They switched things around then as well. Then I am on those ferret iron pills and prenatal so I am maxed out with pills. I am doing my best to just relax and keep calm. Obviously I am ready to fall off the edge :)
Happy Day to be at week 12.
Cant wait for the next 28 weeks.

Race to Happiness

Have you ever been in a place in your life you felt like you were always chasing happiness?
I have. Most of my life. Its always been something that well when this happens then ill be happy. Or well when I finally finish this or get that job or quit that job or have a baby or move or run a 5k... then ill be happy. It becomes exhausting because its a race that is never ending. You get to where you thought you were going. What was suppose to make you happy and then you realize you're still not happy. So you keep running. For that next thing that will make you happy.
I can honestly say there was 1 time in my life I was actually happy. In life. With my life. In that moment. I always said it was because I knew my time was limited because I was going back to work but maybe it was God helping me because he knew my time was limited with her life.
After I had that little girl.
From the moment she was born. In the hospital. At home. On everyone of those doing nothing but sitting and watching each other days. Those sitting in the sun while I ate lunch and she got some fresh air. Those walks. Those late nights. Those early mornings. Those trips to the grocery store. That feeling of being able to say "Yes she is mine". Story time. Bath time. Every smile. Every snuggle. Every time she slept. Every movement. That girl was complete bliss. I had never imagined what real happiness was until I lived it every second with her. I remember on several occasions sitting there. Watching her. Thinking- seriously I would be okay if tomorrow never comes. I am so perfectly happy right now. I didn't wish for more. For the first time ever. I wasn't in a race to find happiness. I held it in my arms and I soaked it all in.
The moment we knew Kenzie was not going to leave that hospital alive was when that perfect, immediate happiness went out the window. I definitely was able to find it in moments. She totally gave it to me. I can tell you some of the greatest moments in my entire life- even above when she was home and "healthy" was in those early mornings. I was still in a fog from the little sleep the night before, I was trying to get my things together for shift change but I would stand beside her bed. She was always awake. Wide awake. I would talk to her. Smile at her. I would kiss her face and hands and tummy and legs. I would straighten her leggings. I would prop her toys and blankets to make sure she was super comfy. Then I would ask her. "Are you ready to go home to God today Kenzie?" and every one of those days that I knew she would tell me NO if she could gave me that perfect immediate happiness. Because I knew I had one more day. One more day to look into her eyes. One more day to touch her skin. To feel her toes and fingers. To try and get her to smile. To try and make some kind of memory. To give her some bit of happiness. To love on her the very best I could. Those moments in the morning when I knew my daughter wasn't going to die today gave me a the simplest happiness I could have ever learned.
I hate to say that simple happiness, that immediate joy hasn't been around since she left. I'm back to racing. Racing for what will make me happy. For the first year it wasn't a baby. The second year it was a baby. and now here I am. Learning to find that happiness in whatever stage I maybe in. Learning to be happy for other people. I feel like I am doing better than I have in the past. Stopping and seeing life.
Its so hard sometimes. I find myself in this hole of just wanting everything that's not.
Wanting Makenzie is the biggest obstacle.
Not that I will never not want her, but this wanting is unrealistic. Its so deep and its overwhelming. It consumes my every thought. It makes it hard to really enjoy and thank God for this new life coming into our lives. Believe me I am so anxious. I cant wait for this part of our life to begin again. Loving this new life. It will be amazing. but I guess the hurt and the missing Makenzie is just extra strong right now.
I think its another one of those firsts that you have to go through after a loss. Even though its been 2 years. This is the first time I have actually accepted that there is going to be a new life in our family. With Gracie I honestly wouldn't let myself think about much. I was so numb to everything else going on in life and then when that little one came along the feelings of fear were much more powerful than any feeling of hope, joy or even missing. Not many people in our life knew about her. We didn't know how to process things. We didn't know what to say to people until we could answer the questions we knew they would ask first off. Will this baby be sick to? We wanted to be able to say yes or no. We wanted answers for ourselves and once we had those answers. It wasn't long after that we lost Gracie. There was no time to find that joy or excitement or even experience the missing of Makenzie. Now with this one. Its a whole new set of emotions.
What I want right now is to stop running. Stop chasing the next thing that will make me happy. I have a good life. I have so many blessings and things to be grateful for. Its not that I don't see that. I guess its just learning to be happy with this. With the big things and the little things. There doesn't need to be some big life changing thing to make the difference. What I have is all that I need.
For the last few days I have put into my mind that I will be happy today. No matter what. I will do it.
I wake up and tell myself what a good day it will be. I tell myself things Ill get done and things ill do to relax. I talk to Makenzie.
I think about Ryan.
I think about this baby.
I see that what I have is pretty great. I see that happiness doesn't have to have be a lot of effort.
It can be that simple. Immediate. Seeing what you DO have that can make all the difference.
It doesn't take a lot but it take some. It takes wanting to see it as well.
I am so not there. Happy as a clam all the time. but I'm working on it. I want this baby to see happiness all the time. I want them to know what happiness is. Pure joy.
I don't want them to be chasing it.

11 Weeks

How far along? 11 Weeks
Maternity clothes? No but my favorite thing to wear is my sweat pants right now.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Horrid nightmares have lessened this week. But I am having a hard time getting comfy and falling asleep. I am afraid of the next 29 weeks. 
Best moment this week: Today. March 1st. We will find out the sex of the baby this month.
Miss Anything? Feeling Normal.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still no consistent food. It changes every second. Usually nothing sounds good but I'm always hungry. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still so so sick. I have been taking the B6 and unisom like my doctor told me and so far its not helping. I found out the other day that I am anemic so they put me on some iron pills and ill tell you right now I hate those pills. Its almost like an instant puke pill. I have yet to keep it down. I have tried taking it in the morning, midday, night, with or without food. Nothing is helping. 
Gender: Ryan = GIRL 
              Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My stomach and pretty much whole body just aches from puking. My boobs are huge and sore. I am farting like a chubby man eating beans. My emotions are a complete mess. Yes I think I am pregnant.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have had a rough week emotionally. Been having a really hard time with things just not being what I imagined. Guess ill never learn to just let life happen and stop planning and expecting.
Looking forward to: Reaching the second trimester and hopefully starting to feel a bit better.


Man you would think life is horrible with how much I complain. Guess I should be clear that no matter how sick I could ever feel I know it could be much worse. I am so thankful for being able to be sick, have these crazy hormones and watch this changing body. I am so very lucky and I don't let a day go by without thanking God for giving us this gift. I hope no one ever thinks I ever feel anything less than complete joy when I think of this life. Makenzie's little brother or sister. No matter how hard things will be because ill be honest-- its not going to be all rainbows and sprinkles. This is a life after a big loss and that is not easy. But we wouldn't change this for the world. 

Cookbooks

These cookbooks were started in August 2011. Ryan and I knew we were going to need some help with how our family grew and at the time we just were not sure how we would go about doing it. Adoption was the first thing that came to mind. We started in on the process, started classes and about a month into it we felt like that just wasn't the right thing for us to do right at that time. During that process however we had already started the... Live, Laugh, Cook... cookbooks. We asked everyone that could to please submit a recipe. We got over 600 recipes submitted from all over the world. Most came from all areas in the US but it is just amazing to see all the amazing dishes and different ways to make them. All the amazing people that submitted a recipe are mostly people we have never even met. They are our friends through this blog.

 After we decided adoption wasn't the right path right now we started looking into a sperm donor. I was more apprehensive than Ryan which was a total shock not only for me but for a lot of people. It didn't take to long before we both just knew this was the right path for us and we should continue down it.

After a lot of research and going through hundreds of donors we finally found the perfect one.

We started the IUI process and the first 2 rounds didn't work.

But lucky #3 did.

We were implanted December 27th 2011

Found out we were pregnant January 8th 2012

Baby is due September 20th 2012

Through this whole process we have still been diligently selling these cookbooks. I have to tell you these medical costs are not cheap but they sure are worth it. These cookbooks are just a way to help. The amount of support has been overwhelming and we are forever grateful to all who have purchased one and for all who might in the future. Not only does the sales of these cookbooks help us- they are pretty amazing and you will love them so much.

600+ recipes.

Tons of different cooking tips.

We are always trying new recipes in our house and I'm telling you they are all so yummy!

If you are interested in ordering a cookbook you can place your order to the right side of my blog. There is a link that takes you to Pay pal. They are $20 each which includes shipping but if you buy more you can save. We have tracking numbers on all the orders so if you don't have your order within 3 weeks make sure you email me so I can either track it down for you or send you a new one.

Thank you all so so much again for all the endless support!

Have a wonderful day!

10 Weeks

How far along? 10 Weeks- DOUBLE DIGETS- WHOO HOO!
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am so sleepy all the time. Which could be because of the pregnancy or it could be because I hate going to bed at night. Every single night I have the absolute worse nightmares so my mind is just to afraid to go to sleep and I end up staying up far to late watching FRIENDS re-runs. 
Best moment this week: Seeing this little baby on the ultrasound.
Miss Anything? Feeling normal.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: The only thing that has calmed my tummy this week is lemonade. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Seriously Everything. 
Gender: Ryan = GIRL 
              Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My boobs feel like they have gained 10 lbs each. They hurt sooo bad. I have bad gas pains and still utterly nauseous.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Starting to ease off the extreme moodiness.
Looking forward to: Finding out the sex of the baby in a couple weeks.


I got a new due date people...
September 20 2012
So its only a 2 day difference but believe me- 2 days is a big deal in my book. Any amount of time closer to meeting this little muffin is just a dream. I simply cant wait.

intense

When this baby comes in September it will be nearly 3 years since I have been a "MOM". How is that even possible. It seriously seems like ill be a born again Mom virgin. I will tell you right now I am rather fearful. Not only do I feel I have forgot everything I started to learn with Makenzie but I now have to add the aspect that I am a Mom who has lost a child. Which I can see making one even more over protective/ controlling/ crazy. and lets face it. I have pretty much maxed out ones level in all 3 of those areas just by being me.
So this baby. I am really worried about. What kind of life will they even have? Will they have a life? I can definitely see myself finding some kind of bubble to incubate him in and refusing to ever let the zipper undone. He will see hear and speak NO EVIL.
Oh poor little fetus. I really feel for you.
Ryan was coming home from work the other day and nearly hit this poor child who lives in our neighborhood. He is the cutest little thing and seriously he is little. and always outside alone. In the summer we are very cautious and aware of the kids running around but in the winter its not as often when we see the wee ones running around in the freezing cold. Ryan firmly declared our kids wont be allowed to play outside alone. No matter how old they are. So immediately I thought of my 15 year old son who wants to ride his bike with friends and me- his mother- jumping right behind since we would of course have a tandem if that's the case.
I mean seriously my childhood days were spent running wild at the local drug park. I lived in the hood after all. I can recall several "dealings" going down, I was caught in the middle of more than 1 drive by shooting in my front yard and I witnessed 1 home invasion (literally the entire thing. You could see into these peoples house from my bedroom window and I was the one who had to call the cops at like 2am as they were held with knives... But I knew that if you minded your bees wax you were left alone and that life was not scary to me. Ryan was raised in the hood that was a step up from my hood. He would leave in the morn and come home before dark. Running freely and never having a care or someone to check in with. I am telling you it wasn't that long ago that we were kids. I mean it was just recently. The world isn't that much worse since we were young. There was all the same crime and EVIL lurking at every corner. So why are we now the ones who is like...
"Our kids will never go outside alone.." along with hundreds of other NEVER's we have come up with that we ourselves once did.
You want to know a NEVER I remember telling myself when life was just not fair and I was told that horrid word of NO? I remember saying-- I will never be some OLD mom who forgets what its like to be a kid. I mean at the ripe old age of 12 I was certain I had lived life. I knew what was out there. I had seen things no one else had seen! I mean come on. I was practically an adult. Life is not how it was way back when my MOM was that age. She doesn't know anything. I shouldn't have a curfew. I shouldn't be told NO when I want to hang at some random boys house who is quite the rebel, but in a good way you know.

I sit here and seriously feel bad for fetus. Who will in only 209 days be BABY... and who in approximately 4,954 days will become a TEENAGER. Lord help me. That is not near enough time for me to figure all this out and learn to be a perfect balance of COOL mom and total shielder of all things EVIL in this world mom.
I mean what if I have to discipline? GASP. I know my child needing to be disciplined? Probably never going to happen--- but what if?
Ill keep it real and tell you that I am one to believe that a tap on the tush cant hurt. I was spanked. I was what some would call "beat" and I have learned what I think is right and wrong when it comes to disciplining a child in that sense. Now don't go blowing up my comments with telling me I am a horrible person for even saying I would spank a kid. I'm not saying I would or would not. I'm just saying I don't think it will be ruled out and NEVER done. and I will say there is a HUGE difference between a "spank" and being "hit". I think too many people get that very confused and don't do the right thing. I don't believe a child should ever be spanked if you are not in control of yourself. That's what will lead to hitting which then becomes abuse. and believe me I understand that. There will never be abuse in my home. and that is a NEVER that will never change.

... besides I am standing firm that I will never need to worry about the discipline issue because my kid would NEVER do something that would ever warrant a spank because they will be perfect.
They will be one of those kids that come home and immediately finish homework, help around the house, ask mom if she needs a glass of water. ask pa if he needs help chopping wood and then if all that is done we will sit down as a family and play a little chess or get a little crazy and play charades.
I think it will be the cool thing to be best friends with your Mom and Dad. From birth to age 102.
We will do everything together!
When they fill out the MASH form and list who their BFF is... It will always say Mom.
Ill buy us matching friendship bracelets.
We will have a special language that only we know.
We will stay up late and toilet paper our own house! then we will wake up early and clean it up before Pa wakes- oh it will be amazing.
.... okay wait... am I the only one who is a little creeped out by what I just said? I guess that is weird. Maybe I don't really want to be that bestest of friends with my kid. I mean I want them around. all the time. I never want them to even think of the word hate or dislike and ME in the same thought. I really just want to have them LOVE me forever and think of me as the most incredible person in the entire world and worship the ground I walk on. but then again I am not so out of touch with being a parent that I don't remember what my job really entails. and that isn't being a friend. sigh. this parenting stuff is tough. and fetus isn't even past its first trimester! at least we will be best friends until he is like 5 right?! maybe even a little longer depending how fast he make friends! He might be a little nerdy so we can be bestest nerdy friends.
BUT WAIT... I have a solution for that. My mom taught me how to make friends. and she would kill me for ever speaking of this but its one that the whole world must know because it might help you.
It was long ago.
I was in Kindergarten.
It was I believe week 2, and I had NO friends. I was a loner. I was sad. a sad little blond haired goofy looking kid who no one would share a crayon with. tear.
well my mom came to pick me up from school one day and asked if i had made any friends yet. I shook my head and hung it in shame as we walked out of the school yard. I think she was tired of being my BFF so she was determined to find me a find a new one and FAST.
Just then this helpless little blond haired girl goes running past and my mom grabbed her by the backpack and yanked her back so vigorously and yelled... WHATS YOUR NAME? like a creep and all! The girl totally afraid for her life whispered "sara". I was in complete shock that my mom was physically assaulting this girl when I look over and her PARENTS are standing feet away pretty much with their mouths wide open in shock as well. I'm telling you people it was a sight to see.
Well my mom unhooked her death grip on that backpack and the girl scampered off to her parents.
It may seem like the most horrific day of that poor Sara's life but ill tell you she was from that moment on my BFF.  (well until I had to switch schools a few years later and we lost contact)
but the moral of the story is I know how to make friends for my nerdy kid!

So who knows what ill be like. I'm going to sit back and just enjoy him being in my tummy right now. After all I am his bestest friend now and I can do no wrong in his little fused eyes.

PS. How do you spell blond? Does that sound like something a blond would say? ha. I have always spelled it blonde- but spell check just informed me that was wrong. BLOND. Just doesnt look right.

9 WEEKS

How far along? 9 Weeks
This question started asking about weight gain... Sorry but I am so self conscious about this as it is.. I don't really want to tell the world that I'm turning into a whale :) Although that number is still none. I know its going to go up soon and fast and I just don't want that to be a focus for this pregnancy at all so I'm taking it out :) Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am pretty sleepy most of the time. I could nap which I haven't done since I was pregnant with Kenzie and I dread going to sleep at night because every night this last week I have been having horrible nightmares.
Best moment this week: Just remembering the incredible little life growing inside me.
Miss Anything? Not being sick
Movement: None.
Food cravings: No actual cravings. I pretty much just eat anything that doesn't make me want to puke. Sometimes its been cream of wheat sometimes its been a mango other times its been a twinkie. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Pretty much whatever I just got finished eating. 
Gender: Ryan = GIRL Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Nauseous.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty dang moody.
Looking forward to: Doctors apt this week and hearing that heartbeat.




--- Breathing update. Its actually gotten better. Its definitely still there and gets really bad when I do housework or eat or talk to much. but its definitely much MUCH better! Thank Heavens. ----

Post Valentines

So let me tell you about our special LOVE day... We both worked. I got home around 6:30ish and Ryan was busy making dinner. STEAK. That's right people pretty much my most favorite thing in the world. We gobbled up the deliciousness and then cuddled on the couch while watching tv. We got some special visitors who dropped of some treats which turned into our dessert. Oh how sweet they are. After they left I didn't feel so well. I kept telling Ryan was going to cry if I threw up that dinner because it was so good. I decided to get in the bath to see if that helped. Apparently that just boiled the food in my tummy helping the projectile vomit be all that more powerful. Do you know whats worse than throwing up a super yummy valentines dinner? Having to then clean it up after because you didn't get to the toilet in time. Oh joy! So I cried. Ryan laughed. He gave me a lime Popsicle which I have learned calms my tummy. and we fell asleep.
It was somewhat romantic. Ended in misery.
But really nothing is better than any amount of time with the husband.

Happy Valentines to Everyone!


PS. Its been a day and of course my mind is a little clearer. I re-read my 8 week post and wanted to make sure what I said didn't come out wrong. I tend to do that. My words get jumbled and they come out being everything I didn't want to say. Anyway. Ryan and I have absolutely no doubts if we made the right choice using a sperm donor. This was the way we felt was best and the right way for us to get a SMARD free child here. I am thankful for our donor. I am thankful that for whatever reason he choose to become one. It is because of him that I am puking my guts out and honestly loving almost every second of it. I am thankful to have even had this option. I am nervous about telling this baby down the road but like so many of you reminded me--- a sperm donor is just that. ANYONE can be a sperm donor. But its someone special that actually makes a Father. Ryan has already proven this. The amount of love he has for this baby is more than I could ever dream. I shouldn't ever worry because that is all that matters. I will tell you right now I believe that with my whole heart. He is ours. I do hope this baby looks like Ryan. Some of my favorite features with Makenzie were the ones she got from Ryan. She was the perfect blend. and this baby may not be Ryan's biologically but in the big picture, the biological stuff just doesn't matter. This child was created for us. For Ryan and I. They were going to be ours no matter what. I have so many fears for this little life...
but I don't fear if this child will be loved.
I don't fear if they will be wanted.
I don't fear if they will be given a life they deserve.
Thanks again friends for helping me see what is real and what is just my mind being silly.

...Love...

*kendra to the left. ryan to the right. kenzie right in the middle*

So much to LOVE.

Couldn't finish the day without listing a few.

.....

ice water in my tumbler

the smell of lemons

bubble baths

a clean dog

a clean husband

ryans haircut

ryans cooking

nieces

nephews

sisters

brothers

parents

grandparents

angels

a full tank of gas

harley snuggles

bobby pins

popcycles

fetal foto

gender prediction kits

cookbooks

cardboard boxes

vacuums

kenzies blanket

the ability to work

the ability to get an education

freedom

new earrings

bubble tea

mcdonalds (i know but esp now its so very appealing)

blogging

toilets

toilet paper

car washes

avocados

steaks

making plans

dreaming of vacations

friends.best friends

strangers that smile at you

simple acts of kindness

food in our house

medicine

an amazing ob

heaven

what life will be in 220 days

technology

cute baby clothes

supportive people

life

the ability to breathe

laughing

any amount of time spent with husband

having a partner

having a future with him

knowing he will always mine

side by side

8 Weeks

How far along? 8 Weeks
Total weight gain: None.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I wish I could sleep all day and night. I am exhausted.
Best moment this week: Making it a total of 4 days without puking. That is all a distant memory now.
Miss Anything? Not puking. Being able to keep food down.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Pretty much changes from second to second. No cravings just what doesn't make me instantly run to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Even things that are not food. The thought of glass cups the other day almost made me lose it. I can only drink out of hard plastic cups.
Gender: For some reason Ryan is all the sudden thinking GIRL. Where did that come from?! I think its because he really really wants a boy so he is preparing himself for a GIRL. I am 100% certain its a boy. I just have a strong feeling. I will probably throw up in excitement if it turns out to be a GIRL.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My belly has started to protrude. Its scaring me considering I'm only 8ish weeks. Literally there is a belly. and my boobs hurt worse than they ever did when I had a child latched on day and night. Seriously I am in pain people. Oh and did I mention I'm sick and puke a lot.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: The uncontrollable MOOD SWINGS have kicked on to an all time high. Happy- Sad- Angry- Uncomfortable- Lonely- Overwhelmed- Annoyed... poor poor Ryan. He is looking for somewhere to crash for the next 7 months. Its not looking good.
 Looking forward to: Getting past the first trimester in hopes the sickness will ease.

Like I said... I am an emotional mess. So over the moon happy this baby is coming and is ours forever to absolute hysterics because all I really want is Makenzie. I am then hysterical apologizing to this baby for not showing them the love the deserve and that I really do want them and that I just miss their sister. This past week the emotions of this child being from a sperm donor has been extremely emotional. I think I have mentioned this before but Ryan has always been so confident and positive about this. Knowing this child is HIS. No ifs ands or buts. He has been so good about it and honestly going through all the IUI's and getting pregnant so was I. I have felt so good about it all. Knowing this was the right choice. Over the past week its not that I regret our choices because I absolutely don't. This child was so meant to come to us this way and this was the only way we could get them to us healthy. but the feelings of how will we tell them and when will we tell them? The thoughts of how will we do this again? The fear that maybe at some point Ryan will have some concerns or worries. Its been weird talking about what this baby might look like. I keep catching myself from saying things like-- Oh I pray he has your nose or butt or hair color... Whatever it might be. I fully believe this child will be a mini replica of Ryan (if its a boy). I can only imagine Ryan's little partner. There is no doubt about that. But the fear in the back of my mind is oozing out with my added pregnancy hormones. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I would love to hear from anyone of you that might have used a sperm or even an egg donor. Did you ever have similar fears or concerns. How have you decided and when to tell your child? I don't want it to be a big deal because its not. Its very simple. Its very matter of fact. There is no other Daddy somewhere- Ryan will be the name on that birth certificate. I just don't want it to be something that later down the road when it does come out that they feel I was hiding something from them. I have been very open about it with friends and family and its now all over the internet. Never have I thought it would be a secret. I know I have a lot of time to think about this but its on my mind now. So if y'all have advice. I would so much appreciate it!

Kenzie Day #26

Really I hated writing the title of this post.

26.

How has it been so long since my muffin went to heaven?

and that number is only going to get bigger.

I want to just freeze time. Go back. Back to her. That feeling will never go away. I hate that.

I miss her.

Kenzie Day #26 was Valentine themed dinner and a heart attack.

The kids all made hearts and valentines to give someone they know a "heart attack". If you don't know what that is--- Its where you put lots of hearts all over someones door step and leave. Its suppose to be a little anonymous act of kindness to brighten someones day. The kids ended up writing their names on everything so their heart attacks will not be so anonymous. But that's okay. 

Hopefully it will make someones day.

Happy Kenzie Day my little Muffin. I hope you are having an amazing day in heaven. You know its 2 of your aunts birthdays today. 1 of them is in heaven with you. I bet you guys are having a wild party as she turned the big 35! I can only imagine who she would be. I hate thinking how long its been since I have seen her. How much I miss her. How much I pray she is happy. I can only imagine you 2 girlies. I'm sure she is showing you the best ways to live. She could bring a smile to any ones face. I am thankful and comforted when I know she is taking care of you. I know she will keep you happy. She will give you all those kisses and hugs I long to give you. She will tell you about me. She will tell you about your Daddy. She is full of good. She is full of beauty. Give her Happy Birthday kisses. Tell her how much I love her and how I have missed her so much these last 15 years. Tell her I am honored that she has you. Kenzie please hold me close. I need you. I am having a hard time. Missing you so very much. Wishing you were in my arms. Makenzie Rye I love you. I love every inch of you. What I wouldn't give to have one more day with you. I would hold you close to my body. Feel you breath. Smell you. Kiss you. I would give everything for just 1 more day.

Happy Heaven Day my Love.

Happy Birthday Donette.

and to my other incredible sister who I couldn't imagine not having in my life here on earth--

Happy Happy Birthday. I am thankful for you and for all those hundreds of times you have saved me.